DH not making dinner when I was out until 6 pm..

[meorhimU]

yesterday I had a sports event to attend that ran from 1 pm until 6ish. My DH knew about it and was at home with our kids, 4 and 6.

the kids ate at around 12-12:30, I made lunch before I left.

when I got back, he’d made no dinner and complained about being hungry and @ what are we going to eat. I hurt myself doing sports and was limping quite badly.

I defrosted some steaks and made dinner, limping around in pain. While he did some admin on his laptop. He then complained I hadn’t take the bins out all week ( not true, they’d just filled up again over the weekend ).

I said, I thought it was really not great that he didn’t even think to make dinner- waited for me to get home and knew I was in pain, limiting, yet still didn’t help me or offer to make dinner. He said he didn’t realise I was in so much pain..

my DD who is 6 perked up and heard me and later called him lazy for not helping mummy when he knew I was in pain. All I wanted to do is just sit down and put my feet up, my body was sore wrecked after all the exercise and the injury. He could see I wasn’t walking well at all.

he was annoyed that my daughter pulled him up on it too and essentially blamed me for telling him off about it. It’s just common decency he should have made dinner and also even if he hadn’t made it yet by the time I got home, he should have taken care of it- seeing I was in pain.

I didn’t tell him to do it because I felt guilty that I left him alone with the kids all afternoon and felt like I had to do it. But I also know if I had asked him to do it, he would have been annoyed.

WTF? This is a grown man in his own house with his own kids and yet @meorhimU is supposed to organise his food because she has the audacity to be out of the house for an an afternoon?

are you from the 1950s?

Read my post just above. It isn't difficult.

Agree

Agree with this it is Mumsnet double standards!
Yeah no, there is no way people would in real life expect a husband who is out for the evening to remind his wife that she needs to feed their children or sort out what they should eat before he leaves.

I think YABU because you’re not telling him clearly what you need him to do.

If you always default to doing everything in the house inc. making dinner, he’s unlikely to suddenly realise that he needs to get on and do it when you’re out.

Even when he mentioned being hungry, you didn’t take the opportunity to ask him to get on with it. You just hoped for the best. 😂

Very few people actually pick up on little hints, despite what some MN posters would have you believe.

Yes, of course you notice when he’s unwell or the kids need a clean uniform etc. but your DP hasn’t been expected to step up and do his share, so he’s hardly likely to magically figure it out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some partners are like kids and need a bit of extra guidance. If I want DH to cook a meal, then I’ll ask him to do it. I might suggest things that are available in the fridge or freezer but I’ll leave him to figure out what to make and sort it.

You do have the power to change this dynamic!

OP, I know you've said being organised with food isn't your forte, but honestly, really focusing on trying to plan will make a big difference for everyone.

I ask DP & DC (teens) what kind of dinners they'd like this week & write a list on a Sunday. I plan 7 dinners & put the ingredients on a list. I either go/ send someone to Aldi, or I do an online shop to be collected by DP on way back from work Monday.

I KNOW it's a pain, but it's made my life so much easier over the years. Teen DC add stuff to the written list if they need it. I'm providing fir lunches too, so make sure there's plenty in. Teens also know that if they scoff everything in sight there'll be no snacks/ nice bits/ enough for lunches, so they'd need to spend own money (part-time jobs).

I also have a board in the kitchen where I list the dinners for the week so that whoever is in first can prep/ start. Often mid-week it's slow cooker at this time of year, so super easy, or an easy one to prep.

Honestly, you'll really, really see a difference, whether you stay with Mr Grump or not. I started this as a single parent when 2 eldest were very small, & just continued.

I don't think it's terrible of your DD to pull him up on his behaviour, but I do think it's a worry if that's how she sees him. A grumpy man who doesn't do things with them at the weekends, doesn't look after mummy when she's hurt and just sits at his computer while she goes hungry and mummy limps about getting everyone's food.

Don't feel guilty for going out and doing sport. It's good for children to know you aren't just mum who does mum stuff, you have your own interests and talents; you are a real rounded person too. We encourage children to do and try things, we should role model.

Oh dear heavens, a person who is happy to 'do the bins' because it's Sunday but only if they aren't full..... 🙄

No, apparently the idea that a couple could experiment with planning meals and cooking together in advance is totally insane.

What do you mean? She got distracted! She would have been fine making dinner for the kids if he had just asked her … 🤦‍♀️

Some might say, what’s the point in doing them if they’re not full?

As I said, if it’s his job it should be fully his job. Especially as it’s such a small and easy job.

Exactly - the double standard favours men!

Never have I seen a man told they have to ask their wives to remember dinner if they are out or meal prep in advance or in anyway be involved. Unless maybe there was a new born baby and the man was insisting on being out at hobby leaving wife with a new baby cluster feeding plus other kids. Maybe then.

Why should the OP have to spell it out? The bar is set so low for some women.

How are some posters getting around the fact that DH was hungry? Why would he need it spelled out for him that he needed to make food? Isnt it incredibly obvious that if he, a grown man is hungry, his young children are probably hungry too and he should just feed them?

I agree, bin full, bin emptied. Doesn't matter whose 'job' it is. Perhaps if he did more around the house/kitchen he would notice bin full and could empty it.

He should have cooked but experience tells me you have to state the obvious. My ex would have been like your dh op though he would have said get takeaway, my now dh will cook but I have to say clearly, you are cooking - to be fair I am controlling in the kitchen department and a far better cook but if told he’ll prepare a simple meal even going to buy ingredients

Does anything that OP has disclosed about their overall relationship give you the impression that he’s in any way open to that ? Posters aren’t acting as though it’s unreasonable because it isn’t. But it’s entirely dependent on the individual relationship and OP’s DH appears to be a man baby, incapable of thinking for himself, despite having dependant children and apparently ‘high standards’ with regard to expectation of meals, even when there are time or other constraints. He needs to step up and OP needs to stop enabling him.

We are talking about fully functioning adults here, no? Men who are at home with their young children, and for some reason cannot figure out that dinner won't just magically appear. Surely it's not that challenging? My 10yo understands that if we are not at home and she is hungry, she needs to take some action to enusre she can eat food..

Exactly this. As I said upthread. Weaponised incompetence and completely unfathomable as to why so many women are condoning it.

He’s a dick next time stick up for yourself and tell him you’re injured and he has to make dinner or get a takeaway, you don’t need to be martyr and he doesn’t need to be useless.

No, l live with a man who doesn’t think I should carry the bulk of the household chores. If he knows I’m out for a few hours and around the time we normally eat, he will make sure that at least the foundation of a meal has been put together, if not cooking it himself. He doesn’t need to be led by the hand and shown what to do because he’s an intelligent, practical and thoughtful human being who sees me as an equal, not his housemaid.

Sunday afternoon. OP is out until after six. After a conversation by phone he knew there were steaks in the freezer intended for dinner. He didn’t even lift them out of the freezer to start defrosting, never mind preparing veg or anything else to go with them. Come on, this isn’t rocket science. It’s what men rely on so that women end up doing the bulk of everything.

Because being a man means he has to be prompted to feed his kids?

Your relationship is dead. It doesn't sound like you even like each other. He should have made dinner obviously, he's pathetic. But you sound equally pathetic, I wouldn't limp around making dinner when there was another adult in the house I could just tell to make dinner. I've been ill/injured as a single parent and either got a takeaway or made something like an omelette etc. But no way would I be making anything if I had what was supposed to be a partner.

Neither of you can communicate with each other and your both equally responsible for setting such a terrible example for your children about what love and partnership should be.

Not trying to jump in the bandwagon, but these jobs are annual at best! Ie car insurance, house hold bills only require setting up a direct debit. Mortgage, nothing to sort out apart from a new fixed rate, no less than every 2 years. I bet your kids admin is more often that annually.

And yet here you still are.