DH not making dinner when I was out until 6 pm..

[meorhimU]

yesterday I had a sports event to attend that ran from 1 pm until 6ish. My DH knew about it and was at home with our kids, 4 and 6.

the kids ate at around 12-12:30, I made lunch before I left.

when I got back, he’d made no dinner and complained about being hungry and @ what are we going to eat. I hurt myself doing sports and was limping quite badly.

I defrosted some steaks and made dinner, limping around in pain. While he did some admin on his laptop. He then complained I hadn’t take the bins out all week ( not true, they’d just filled up again over the weekend ).

I said, I thought it was really not great that he didn’t even think to make dinner- waited for me to get home and knew I was in pain, limiting, yet still didn’t help me or offer to make dinner. He said he didn’t realise I was in so much pain..

my DD who is 6 perked up and heard me and later called him lazy for not helping mummy when he knew I was in pain. All I wanted to do is just sit down and put my feet up, my body was sore wrecked after all the exercise and the injury. He could see I wasn’t walking well at all.

he was annoyed that my daughter pulled him up on it too and essentially blamed me for telling him off about it. It’s just common decency he should have made dinner and also even if he hadn’t made it yet by the time I got home, he should have taken care of it- seeing I was in pain.

I didn’t tell him to do it because I felt guilty that I left him alone with the kids all afternoon and felt like I had to do it. But I also know if I had asked him to do it, he would have been annoyed.

He’s not a bad dad because he ‘doesn’t shout’ but brings everyone down with his moody patriarchal attitude. You’re a lost cause op. I feel sad that yet another family are bringing children up with the culture that women exist just to cook, fuck and wipe all the arses. 😔

If you need to be TOLD by your spouse that your children need to be fed, then you have far greater issues than just communication.

surely when you live alone and do the shopping yourself, there can't be much surprise at what's in the cupboard or the fridge??

And even if I haven't done the shopping myself for a couple of weeks because DH has decided to be helpful or decided to fill the cupboards with his favourite snacks and things I don't think about , I live there, I have a vague idea what's in the kitchen? We always have at least the same basic staples for omelettes, salads, wraps, frozen things in the freezer, just normal food.

Or I just order a pizza.

As in so many relationships, this is really unequal.

You’re describing once in a while, over and done with once it’s done jobs as his, and constant, endless drudgery jobs as yours. That’s not fair or equal.

Also if bins are his job, they should be his job all through the week too. It’s a tiny job. The job I’ve given to my youngest, least organised child because it is the easiest (I’m a single parent, youngest is 12). Having a job shared like this is setting everyone up to fail, as of course it will lead to resentment and “oh you’ve left it for me”. He needs the whole job, not just an easy once a week of an already easy job.

But none of this changes the fact he’s clearly a lazy, miserable sod. Using moods and sulking as punishment/ strategy is abusive.

Everyone commenting on what they would have said to their non-abusive/ functioning adult husbands is not the point.

”I would have said ‘whatever you’re making’”, “I would have said ‘I don’t know’ and just sat down” - congratulations, you managed to have a family with a non abusive man, who didn’t change his colours once children came along. That is a lottery - you are more fortunate than the OP. Women cannot always tell when their husband will turn into a useless abusive shit as soon as there are children.

It is not because you are so clever and assertive, or because the OP is a martyr. He has ground her down, deliberately. And you cannot always tell when a man will or will not end up like this.

My exh was a moody sulker. By the end of our relationship, I was no more able than the OP to say “whatever you’re making” and “just sit down”.

Now, ten years after the relationship ended, yes I could do that again. Including to him as my exh. As I could before we had children and he turned. But at the time I was ground down too.

I think your DH was wrong, he shouldn’t have waited for you to arrange dinner, also your daughter’s comment reflected the reality - he wasn’t exactly working his socks off, he was waiting for a cooking fairy to arrive.

However Im the one who plans dinners at our house so I would discuss what’s for dinner with DH if going out. DH is in charge of breakfasts by the way and I don’t even know if we need milk or porridge oats or bananas - it’s his domain.

Exactly. Thank you.

DD should not have been butting in though - I hope that you and/or DH set her straight on that. You and DH need to have an adult conversation, although no parent should need to be told to parent their children.

Someone should have thought to take the steaks out, to be sure! But really should have been him.

You'd think. I was constantly surprised by how often I was surprised.

This. DH knows I'm out this evening, of course I'm not telling him he needs to feed the children. He also does not tell me that I have to feed the children when children are at home with me, and he is not there. How hard is it to figure out that if you are with children at dinner time then you should organise that children eat?

She mentioned it later, she called him lazy even though that’s not what I said.

Exactly, if he was hungry and the kids were hungry why didn't he make some food like a big boy? 🙄

He's a doofus. How's he not used his brain and thought "these two young children will need tea, my wife's not back until later, I'll pop something in the oven now so it's ready when she's home".

Wild to me. Most of our whatsapp messages between my DH and me are "have you got plans for tea?" and if not, the other one will make something.

I am not that organised about food. I know my DH would love it if I was obsessed with every single meal
we will have all week, but I just don’t function that way. I never have. I plan a couple of meals but it’s usually a day to day, even a meal to meal thing. I don’t want the mental stress and load of it all. Which is why I refuse to even mention it, even when I’m out.

@gannett

why was it stressful? You just look in the fridge or cupboard and make something with whatever you have. Doesn’t have to be home cooked gourmet every night

Yep. In our house whoever gets home from work first starts dinner. There's no such thing as waiting for the other person to get home to be fed ffs, we're grown adults

Why on earth would she have to tell a grown man who fathered the children what to cook for them. I'm sure he could of gotten off his bum and looked in the fridge. Why is she soley responsible for making sure the children are fed ? Weaponised competance at it's best, he was lazy.

She didn't know she was going to injure herself either but when he did see that she was, he could of again gotten off his ass and helped her. What he was actually doing was punishing her for leaving him alone with HIS kids. OP admits she felt gulity, so clearly this isnt a one off on his part.

Little children have big ears. She didnt involve her child, the child heard her mother state a fact to her father. Daughter understood that dad did nothing to help mum and told him so.

You're part of the problem with men doing the bare minimum these days, expecting woman to shoulder all the responsibility, I bet you also say dads "babysit"

I can't do that. I need a recipe and I need to make sure I have all the ingredients. The best I'm able to come up with if I open the cupboard is "pasta... and pesto?"

Relatedly, planning ahead means you eat nicer food.

I do all that type of 'admin' stuff - it takes very little of my time and doesn't even compare to the daily grind of caring for the family (food shopping and cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, children's activities etc) that tends to fall to women.

I'll say it again - it takes very little of my time. Stop giving him a free pass to be a lazy, helpless, demanding twat, OP.

I have told that story before, pretty much this exact thing happened to my friend. She went out, left 2 young children home with her DH, their dad. When she returned, DH had not fed the children because she "had not told him that children should be fed".
I found it totally outrageous, ridiculous, weaponized incompetence.
So am quite shocked that many people here seem to think it's all normal and it was actually all her fault.

@meorhimU I recognise the feeling you talk about. I live in a similar household and I often feel it’s just easier to get on with it as DH is already stressed/tired/grumpy. But I have come to realise that he is unhappy whatever I do. We have this situation around dinner often and I rush about making his dinner after I’ve had a full day of work and doing drop off/pick up and the many associated activities that go with a school aged child.
I don’t really know why I do it - I’m not scared of him but I don’t really want to live in a passive aggressive battle all the time either and so I just do it.
Very long way to say you’re not alone and it’s not easy. If you find a better way, let me know how you did it!

He threw a tantrum and you bent to his will and cooked him/the kids a meal. This is why he behaves as he does. It's no great mystery.

Not sure you are aware this is happening.

a consistently moody partner can be a sign of coercive control. While moodiness alone does not automatically mean abuse, it becomes a red flag for coercive control when it is used as a tool to manipulate, frighten, or punish you
.

This behavior, often described as "walking on eggshells," is a tactic to create fear, anxiety, and a feeling that you must constantly adjust your behavior to avoid their outbursts.

How Moodiness is Used for Control
According to experts, moodiness in a coercive context often includes the following patterns:

• Creating Unpredictability: You never know which version of the person you will get, forcing you to monitor your own actions to manage their mood.
• Silent Treatment: Using withdrawal of affection or communication to punish you.
• Emotional Blackmail: Resorting to sulking, tears, or threats to get their own way.
• Blaming and Deflection: Deflecting responsibility for their bad mood onto you, making you feel responsible for their emotional state.
• "Hot and Cold" Behavior: Alternating between being loving and being cold or angry, which causes confusion and makes you work harder to please them.

Not read all comments since I posted as way too many so apologies if said already, but the irony of this post on IWD! Long way to go girls…