Gifts that you would never use or want

[Oldmamabear]

Im lucky enough to have good friends and family. Every birthday and Christmas they buy gifts which is lovely of them and I do the same for them. When I buy gifts I consider what that person might like or need and buy on that basis. Its a gift for them so it doesnt matter whether I like or would use it myself. At the risk of sounding ungrateful I wish they would do the same. Im not materialistic and would appreciate a small well thought out gift than something extravagant. I try and gently explain that IF they wanted to get a gift (no obligation a card will suffice) then to avoid wasting their money to remember i can't use perfumed products due to skin condition, I dont really like ornaments (minimalist) clothing im a funny shape so best left to me etc. Ive got a spare bedroom full of clothes I can't wear, perfumed products I can't use and ornament with nowhere to live even if I liked them. I dont have any issues with honesty except in this area. Ive explained numerous times and its not even that I want this or that for birthday. I just dont want them to waste their money.i also find it awkward unwrapping yet another unwanted gift. I thought about saying I dont want gifts this year and instead if you could donate to charity that would make me happy but not sure that will land well as that feels like im telling them what to do with their money. Would it be unreasonable to explain that if they were going to buy something, please check first as I dont want them to waste money. Feels rude??

I agree people think they are getting it right and may not be. I ask what sort of things they would like and listen to the answer or buy in line with their hobbies and interests and hope ive got it right. Yes I will donate to charity. Some of them ive kept in case they mention they haven't seen them and I would probs say I have not had time to find a spot for them somewhere yet or use them yet which on reflection is a bit silly, and to be fair noone has asked about them...

Some of them ive kept in case they mention they haven't seen them and I would probs say I have not had time to find a spot for them somewhere yet or use them yet

but this thinking perpetuates the problem. Get rid and if they ask, say “to be honest, it’s not really our thing /style / colour.

How about suggesting that adults don’t exchange presents, or say a card and flowers would be fine as you know it’s difficult. Or at least find a way to dial this down

I feel your pain! I am a very plain, non fussy, minimalist who loves gardening and outdoors pursuits- my house is considered 'spare' as I really dont have ornaments around (do have shelves and baskets of books, artwork on the walls, , fresh flowers) I have very plain stone planters in the garden. My friends and family can see this when they visit.
I would love to receive plants, vouchers for tools etc, but never do. Instead they spend generously on ornaments for both house and garden. I donate what I can to out of town charity shops, but I have a shed full of personalised garish and twee plaques, garden ornaments and planters that I'm at a loss as to what to do with them. I feel ungrateful but I really cannot bear to look at them.

All these little tellings off for the op...

Op I feel your pain. I'm allergic to scents and soaps due to eczema etc and if people have been in the family more than three years they should bloody know that!!!

It's really annoying.
I have actively said to people that 'I really love a voucher' cos I don't see it as lazy I see it as a gift I can use.

Get lost all you preachy people!! You don't get presents given to you every year from people who can't be arsed to find out the barest bit of detail about you!

Agree with everyone saying that that actually most people, including those who say they are good gift givers, actually really aren't.

Most adults can afford to buy themselves stuff as and when they want - and if there are things they can't afford a friend is unlikely to spend that much money on them! So it makes sense that actually a lot of presents are at best extraneous and at worst actively unwanted.

The easiest way to stop getting gifts is to stop giving them. So maybe just say (before your birthday is a great time because then you won't "owe" anyone a return gift)"I'm really trying to have a clear out and cut down on stuff/money is a bit tight at the moment" would it be okay if we didn't do gift for birthdays from now on?"

It sounds as though you meet up with friends and family to celebrate your birthday at some point (in order for them to give you the presents) so why not try and make a tradition of everyone paying for the birthday person's meal/activity if they want to buy something?

I run regularly including in the dark during the winter months. I've already got a cross body strap with a headlight on the front and a red light on the back so I can be seen. The front light is angled down so it lights up the path in front of my feet, so I don't end up treading in dog poo or tripping over something. I never wear a hat when running as I get too hot with one on, even when it's bitterly cold!

Every Christmas, I get at least one woolly hat with a built in torch to wear while running. These are pointless as I overheat with a hat on, and the torch tends to point upwards rather than pointing towards the ground.

I just say thank you and donate it elsewhere afterwards, but it does grate on me!

Give them to a charity shop. Don't stockpile.

Honesty is your friend here. Come Christmas and birthdays just say, look we all have too much stuff, let’s go for a really nice meal to celebrate together/ theatre/ day trip/ whatever floats your boat.

My DS is forever buying inconvenient-to use vouchers. A cooking lesson miles away, a salon voucher half an hour away instead of where I actually live.. I’m resolved to say something next ‘occasion’ and put a stop to it.

I agree that people who think they are thoughtful gift buyers, often are not. Especially when it comes to buying someone a gift that links to their hobby, as it’s likely they have their own stuff anyway, stuff they’ve chosen, like @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan says in their post. Similarly, I love candle making. In the past people have bought me wax to use (which, not to sound ungrateful but that doesn’t feel like a special gift, as I buy it myself all the time, and have a particular brand I like using), or different oils to use, but half the time they aren’t scents I would pick. Someone once bought me labels for the candles and I really didn’t like the design. I thought each and every one of these gifts was thoughtful and sweet, but just not what I wanted.

I don't think it is narcissistic. It depends on how well someone should know you.

I have been wearing the same perfume for 20+ years and I like red wine. I also have a wish list on Amazon.

I've actually told my brother to stop buying gifts for me.

I used to love doing arts and crafts but I am now disabled so I can't do them any more, my disability also stops me reading heavy books, I use a kindle or for cookery books they are put on a flat surface like a table.

So over the years my brother has sent me (often from Amazon) books that are too heavy for me to hold to red and not suitable to put on a flat surface, that I have returned and re bought for my kindle.

Various craft kits.

Fimo and Fimo tools.

Adult colouring book and pencils.

A Ukulele!

I don't think I'm a narcissist for expecting my brother to remember I'm disabled.

I agree with you about unwanted gifts but I think the only polite way to deal with it is to have a no gift policy, or ask for charity donations.
For people you know well enough you could ask for gift vouchers for a specific shop - say you’re saving to buy something big so will put all vouchers towards it

I hear you op.
I don't get that many gifts so I feel conflicted on this. The right gifts id bloody love like a book voucher 😍 or seeds/bulbs. Id honestly prefer a 25p seed packet than i would a £5 gift i cant use.

The gifts I do get are along the lines of boots 3 for 2 at Christmas. I can't use anything like that as I have eczema. This is well known. I also don't drink and get alcohol.

I've just accepted that every year after Christmas we will donate to charity. It's an extra job and I'd rather be without it but it is what it is. The conversations of let's not do gifts don't work and are just awkward. I'm pretty sure my inlaws think I'm mean because I've stopped doing gifts for adults apart from something foodie for fil and mil. But it was costing over 100 for bits and bobs no one really wants I'd much rather keep that so we can enjoy Christmas as a young family with only one income with a little less financial stress. I'd much rather they saved that for their children too.

It took me a long time to convince my mother to stop buying me plain clothes as gifts. Her logic was that I needed them, as I already had loads of printed clothes. She just couldn’t get that I had a lot of them because that’s what I like, and that I could easily buy plain clothes myself if I wanted them.

Maybe your friends and family are all thinking “Ooh, maybe Oldmamabear could do with an ornament; she doesn’t seem to have many” 😁

I've often suggested (and received) charity donations in my name. I'd much rather that than get something I don't want and end up giving away - that's just work for me, and there is too much stuff in the world.

Alternatively, I like experiences - meals, theatre etc.

I’ve just remembered a useful white lie I tell to stop people getting me stuff.
I really dislike flowers indoors or indeed houseplants so I have given it out that I am allergic.
This also works with scented candles which I can’t stand too.

I have a large box of unwanted, unused gifts in my sitting room that's about to go on ebay. I've been giving them house-space for years and it's pointless. I wish I'd got over the guilt years ago and just done it (when they would have been worth a bit more). The money will be split between my mad-money account, and DC's university savings pot. There's no point getting upset that the relative I see once a year doesn't know I already have a blender, and got me one. From their perspective, it was quite a thoughtful gift for someone who likes to cook.

Wine. Can’t stand it.

While I don't pretend to be good at present buying, I'm good at remembering things that people dislike - wine, toiletries, foods for example.

@RampantIvyyes. I try to do the same. My ex was very generous, but the gifts he bought me, just highlighted how little he actually knew me.

As I said, I donate what I can to charity shops, (ie anything that has not been personalised) but I doubt anyone wants the items that have been engraved with my nickname and sometimes mine and my partner's names 😖you are welcome to them if you want them 😀

I actually do.....

Donate or sell all the unwanted gifts - life’s too short, and if you have told people multiple times and they still give you things you don’t want or like, then I think you’re perfectly okay to pass them on.

Keep trying to tell people you don’t want a gift, or only to buy consumables, or tell them exactly what you would like, and maybe some will start to get it. Until they do, just keep donating and telling them. If they aren’t listening, they can’t really be surprised if you don’t keep the unwanted gifts!

My in-laws once told me they were getting me a tumble dryer for christmas because it would make my life so much easier. That was very firmly and politely declined but there did continue a pattern for a few years where my DH was given money to buy something for himself or a bottle of his favourite spirit and I was given something "for the house".

@RampantIvy narcissistic to think that partners and friends of 10, 20 years who spend plenty of time in my candleless minimalist home might stop to think perhaps I don’t actually want a generic candle or random dolphin ornament? Ok then.

OP I have tried many times to tell people I don’t need a gift, or would prefer they save or donate the money, but people will still just buy. I don’t know why! I love so many simple things inc chocolate, wine, gin, reading etc so it doesn’t take much extra thought for something I’d definitely like but hey ho. Like @Capillaryactionsays, it makes you feel like they don’t even bother to try and know you. I buy gifts that I’ve either heard people say they’d like or something that suits their tastes, or something I know they enjoy eating or drinking, or take them out to somewhere they like. I think it’s just being thoughtful to do my best to suit gifts to recipients. Some people think that as long as they’ve bought something it’s all good, thought that counts etc. And that’s fine, we are all different. Probably can’t do much to change it.

Mutually agree to stop the pointless gifting, you'll probably find everyone breaths a sigh of relief.