Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Bang on!
👍

The OP hasn't done anything wrong either. She isnt obliged to speak to old men in the pub if she doesnt want to. Maybe she got a bad vibe from him, I know I have in the past. Women arent obliged to keep old men company.

I will chat to pretty much anyone and people always strike up conversations with me wherever I go. My Mother and my sisters are just the same. Not sure if we have reassuring or kind looking faces, nine times out of ten it’s fine.

But there is the odd occasion a person, and it is always a man makes me feel uncomfortable. This would have made me uncomfortable and I’m about as far removed from being an introvert as is possible.

If the posters that feel sorry for this bloke are women and are raising girls ask yourself if your daughters told you this would you feel okay with what this young woman had to put up with and that she was made to feel uncomfortable. I’m delighted my Mother raised me to understand that we are not just there to enhance men’s lives and be their accessories and that we are entitled to our own lives.

I blame all this be kind shite.

sounds like you were in his seat op

Totally agree with this and also, even if it was rude of the OP to take the approach she did, it doesn’t matter. We don’t owe “manners” to strangers really. You don’t have to interact in any way with someone who randomly approaches you, you really don’t. Any acknowledgment or response opens the door a crack, and they’re in. This man tested the boundary by speaking to OP, tested it again by putting his coat on her chair and for sure his next move would have been to sit down. They’re vampires, don’t invite them in. Ignoring is the right strategy, who cares if it’s <shock horror> rude? 🙄

That gum you like is going to come back in style..

TBH he sounds to me like the type of old git who likes to imagine that any woman will welcome his company. Unfortunately they are not a very rare species. Any nice, non-git man would have understood very quickly that you wanted to be left alone.

Please don’t feel remotely bad - and I know my strictly non-git dh would say the same.

No the OP hasn’t done anything wrong either. To be fair, she’s not the one calling him a creep. All I am trying to point out is that not every man is a creep and those jumping to that assumption are perhaps being a little unfair. There could be many factors involved. However, as you say re vibes, I would say to anyone, man or woman, to trust your gut. If it feels odd and it makes you uncomfortable then you are under no obligation to do anything. OP didn’t feel under obligation and she did go with her gut. That’s fair enough. I just don’t necessarily think the man is a bad guy either just based on this one interpretation of a single interaction.

Absolutely fine to try to open a conversation. What is not fine is not taking “no” for an answer. And it’s not an old man issue-despite Mumsnet’s curious problem with ageism. It’s an entitled man issue. Entitled men can be anything from 18 to 102.

The attempts to excuse this man's behaviour are very depressing. So far we've had

• he had dementia
• he had too much to drink
• he was lonely
• he thought she was lonely
• he thought she needed 'protection'
• he was hard of hearing
• he thought she was hard of hearing
• he thought she was 'foreign'
• he didn't hear her because it was noisy
• he thought she couldn't hear him because it was noisy
• she'd taken his seat

So many excuses and so much effort to put the blame on the OP and make her feel ashamed for being 'unkind'.

At best this man was rude and at worst he was a creep.

Well, as someone recently said, the shame needs to change sides.

No-one has done anything wrong and no-one needs to be ashamed here.

He's not wrong for trying to start a conversation. OP isn't wrong for telling him no.

How has this non-incident run to 9 pages?

He didn't insult or harass or follow OP. He didn't do anything worthy of condemnation. And neither did OP!

absolutely

Some women don't want to have conversations with random, entitled men and that is absolutely fine. If the woman blanks the man he should be emotionally and socially intelligent enough to understand - however a large amount of men out and about think they are ENTITLED to speak to us and ENTITLED to our time. When they are not entitled to a fucking thing.

This thread is full of awful victim blaming comments. "Why didn't you just..." @IndigoBluey just blanking him, not engaging in conversation should have been enough for him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Not in my very long experience of running pubs, men like that were always loners..then they would want me to smile and try to hold my hand as I passed them their change, so many of them, never saw any other groups of men bring them into their circle.

YANBU, of course not. I wish men would stop putting women in that position.

Women who think they're the centre of their own universe = bad

Men who think they're the centre of everyone's universe and that everyone owes them = good

Fuck off with that.

In this case it is a man who approached a lone woman and wouldn't fuck off. We are allowed to talk about that pattern of behaviour. If it's a problem for you, take it up with the men who won't leave women alone.

This would have really bugged me too. In 2026 a women still becomes ' public property ' once she goes into a bar on her own. Maybe younger men don't do this? I remember going in to the pub with female friends for a drink and a catch up, and invariably a man or men would come over and offer to buy drinks and want to sit with you. As though your time really couldn't be complete until you are lucky enough to have male company! The arrogance! I expect the alcohol emboldens them because it doesn't happen in cafes or libraries. Your feelings are valid, you were in there to watch the match and have a drink, with out having to interact with someone you don't want to and who probably has an agenda, something every man in this country takes for granted.

@DaisyDoodler
In a full pub with plenty of lone women would you approach a young lad and persist in trying to talk to him even when he says he’s watching sports?
Stop excusing men’s entitlement to women’s attention.
Monody is obliged to speak to anyone.

I would also add that I am in a town where strangers say good morning to each other in passing, anyone who wants to chat lingers those who don't want to just smile, return the greeting and walk on.

Approaching a lone woman and forcing attention on her is not being friendly, it's creepy.

She said it's her local. She knows the bar staff.

I once had a terrifying experience when I met a friend for a drink and on closing we jumped in a taxi back to her place. Two completely random guys I had never seen before also jumped in the taxi, one in the back with us and one in the front. It was so quick, like what the fuck, and the amount of psychic communication between us and the taxi driver was insane. We were like who are you and what are you doing and they said something like, well nobody has been talking to you all night so we'll come with you. Not that it's relevant but we were both seeing someone at the time. The fact that they had been watching us still makes my skin crawl.

Very quickly we realised we couldn't get out the taxi or we'd be left with them on the street, and we obviously didn't want them to come to my friends place. This was the days before mobiles were common as well and it took us so much by surprise we didn't know what to do. It was I think a Thursday night as well and really quiet by closing. I very much doubt it was the first time they had done something like that either, it seemed smooth. My friend said we'd go to theirs instead so they gave the driver the address and the whole time there was all this eye contact going on so the driver was very clear we were a bit trapped. Once we got to the address they got out the taxi and the driver, thank god, slammed the locks down and got out of there.

But sure maybe we should have just spoken to them nicely and went along with them and invited them home.

Or maybe it's one incident in a long line of them why I have absolutely zero time or patience for the entitlement of men.

I wouldn’t personally, no. But my Nan would have done if she thought a young guy looked lonely. My mum would have done if she thought there was a spare chair by him that she could have a good sit down on. And my best friend would do because she will talk to anyone quite happily. Stop getting your judgey pants so twisted.

Haha.. good one Dave 🙄

OP YANBU at all. You should be able to sit quietly in a pub or anywhere else on your own without some creep thinking it’s open season to start trying to harass you, and it is harassment if it’s not reciprocated.

i an actively teaching my daughter that she dies not owe anyone her time or a conversation if she feels in any way uncomfortable. I am from the generation where you were told as a female to ‘be polite’ .. bollocks to that if you don’t want some random man thinking you owe him a conversation.

They would have kept speaking to someone who had made it clear he was just trying to watch the game? That's not a good thing.