I can’t bring myself to buy a ‘world’s best mum’ Mother’s Day card

[Bumblebeeforever]

I just wondered if anyone is in the same boat, every year I go to buy a Mother’s Day card and find myself unable to pick up anything that says ‘greatest mum’ or ‘best mum’, I usually just end up with a Happy Mothers Day one, although it seems silly, my mums fine, she’s hasn’t done anything wrong, she wasn’t abusive or horrible, and there are much worse mums out there, but I just can’t bring myself to send a card saying she’s the greatest when it feels like a lie. She’s quite selfish and was very controlling when I was younger and made some choices that now as a parent myself I look back on and don’t understand. She’d be very hurt if she knew I felt this way.

I’m really sorry. That sounds so confusing and like it would cause cognitive dissociation.

I don’t buy gushing cards either OP. My DSis has had a card made up of some of the very few photos wheb “D”M is actually smiling and has had “you’re one of a kind” written in it. Which I think is quite apt

I really hope she is one of a kind. I don’t like to think of others experiencing similar relationships.

Do you usually struggle with comprehension? And empathy?

Odd post. Nobody said they were a perfect parent.

There’s a huge difference between ‘perfection’ as a parent and being abusive, cruel or neglectful, which is what many posters are describing.

And I find that people with abusive parents try their very best to break the pattern and behave a different way with their own children.

Same OP. I have the same problem every year. It amazing how many of them have "best mum" on them. Its surprisingly hard to find one that doesn't.
My sister told me she has the same struggle!

I totally get it. My mum is dead now but I struggled with this every year. I wanted to get her something kind that would make her happy but the truth was that she was a horrible mother. Not necessarily a horrible person but not a good mum.

I think I was a better mum to my own DC and I'm loving watching my own children be a better parent than I was.

I got over this problem by never giving my mother a card that said anything about anything. She was quite arty so really appreciated an arty type card, then the words were my own. "The world's best Mum" didn't come into it because that's meaningless and impersonal.

I feel you OP. I sorted my old clothes out the other day ands was delighted to find a brand new with tags jumper in my wardrobe. Cost me £8 from pep and co last year and is now too big for me and she can have that and a bunch of daffs. I’m just sorry I’ve got to actually go and deliver them in person tbh. At times I even wish I lived further away but 4 miles is nothing is it? She’s got a diagnosis of dementia now and I’m actually looking forward to her not remembering she had me so I’ll be free to pretend she’s no longer here.

To be fair I really washed to buy this card but my sister said possibly a step too far

Before I ended going no contact with my mother a few years back I sent one that said 'You're like a mother to me'

Regardless of relationship I don't like the gushing cards. Why not stick with "Happy Mother's Day"? It's simple and keeps everyone happy.

No way would I buy this for my mum but I also wouldn’t expect anyone over the age of 10 to buy something like this anyway.

All my birthday and celebration cards typically have animals on them or something that the person enjoys (football, cocktails, flowers etc) - they’re very generic usually and I just write “happy …….” Inside of them.

I just buy a plain happy mother's day card. i could never buy a best mum one. DM was completely disengaged and obsessed with her social calendar, bought herself heaps of clothes (still does) while we got hand me downs. Once said 'we don't care what you do, but what will others thing about us as parents'.

I just buy something colourful and a small gift to placate her or she whines that she's been ignored.

I think Mother’s Day can be difficult for people for many reasons including this one. Take care & do whatever you need to look after yourself x

It's not mandatory to send a card at all, you know? My own mother didn't like all the fuss surrounding Mother's Day and I never bought her an over-sentimental card.

This thread is making me feel much less alone, thank you OP.

My mum was neglectful in various ways, including my not always getting medical attention when I needed it. She exposed me to sexual predators, remaining oblivious to the inevitable consequences of that, even when it was happening right in front of her. Then abandoned me completely.

She wasn’t cruel, ie she wasn’t getting off on my distress, she was more like a child, who didn’t really have capacity for being responsible for an actual child. She wasn’t young though, 30 when I was born. And was capable in other ways, a graduate with a career etc.

i find it very difficult see all the ‘mum’ sentiment, the societal norm of loving your mum, being grateful to your mum, that Mothers Day encapsulates. As shown on this thread, some people really don’t like hearing that your mum wasn’t a good mum.

Although my mum eventually somewhat recognised her failings, our relationship now is still very difficult. I don’t send her a Mother’s Day card.

I was in the same place. I stood every year trying to find a card and will admit some years I failed and walked out of the shop in tears.

she has been dead 10 years now and I regret every one of those failed encounters. I should have had conversations and not let things so unsaid.

I realise how much it hurt us both and I regret it. I can’t now it’s too late and Mother’s Day isn’t any easier now she’s not here. It is actually much much worse.

Possibly not for the same reasons but we are not a gushing flowery greeting card family. All I want is a card with a Happy Mother’s Day on it. Not some sickly poem inside or big or anything. Found a good selection in Waitrose of nice but simple cards and got one whilst I was there a few weeks ago. Very organised for me.

Yes , there’s no one who doubts themselves, thinks they are being mean to their parents and should be nicer and kinder to their parent and forgive them than a child of a shit parent is there. We are constantly questioning ourselves. Was it that bad, am I just being sensitive etc etc.

😂

tinsoldier... do one, you are very rude!
I did offer empathy, or was it the use of the word A'int ? Sorry not, if my grammar offends you, back off please.

But these mothers do want a card, they expect a card - they cannot comprehend that they are / have been lacking, they want you to be grateful for all they have done. That's what your post missed. That was the lack of understanding I assume that poster was alluding to. As I said above, us children of difficult parents are such overthinkers in an effort to not hurt a parent who has continually hurt us, that to be told we are horrible or mean is really hurtful and very wide of the mark. I've my mum round for a meal later, I feel physically ill, and she won't do anything particuarly egregious I know that but I just remember all the stuff from my childhood and then how emmeshed I was until recently and it kills me inside - what a waste.

I am not sure if you understand empathy if you think that poster was aggrieved because you used the word aint? Is that what you actually thought that it is your grammar that was objected to ?

Please don’t carry the weight of this without help. I understand that you feel that you should have done more for your relationship. But at the time you did what you could in those particular circumstances.

It wasn’t your responsibility to make things ok because you had feelings, too, and still do.

I know it’s a cliché on here but please think about therapy so that you can come to terms with that relationship. A lot of these feelings are, in my experience, about unmet needs. Many of us are in the same situation and it’s not easy.

There was no empathy to the children of neglectful mothers, in your post that tinsoldier responded to. Only criticism that they might send a card begrudgingly.

Perhaps you find it hard to believe that mothers can be so neglectful or cruel. You aren’t alone in that, many people find it hard to comprehend, it goes against every instinct and everything we are taught about mothers.

For those of us who were brought up by such mothers, this lack of understanding/disbelief makes it even harder to talk about what we went through, and how we feel about our mothers now we are adults.

Same. I am happy to have a card saying best mum ever from my kids though.