I can’t bring myself to buy a ‘world’s best mum’ Mother’s Day card

[Bumblebeeforever]

I just wondered if anyone is in the same boat, every year I go to buy a Mother’s Day card and find myself unable to pick up anything that says ‘greatest mum’ or ‘best mum’, I usually just end up with a Happy Mothers Day one, although it seems silly, my mums fine, she’s hasn’t done anything wrong, she wasn’t abusive or horrible, and there are much worse mums out there, but I just can’t bring myself to send a card saying she’s the greatest when it feels like a lie. She’s quite selfish and was very controlling when I was younger and made some choices that now as a parent myself I look back on and don’t understand. She’d be very hurt if she knew I felt this way.

No, I completely get it and agonise over Mother’s Day cards every bloody year. All I want is a card acknowledging that she is my mum whether I like it or not.

Sometimes I feel a pang of I dunno, sadness? That I’m not picking out one that basically says she’s a saint that has a yucky poem inside it.

I could have written that OP. Not abusive but selfish and I look back on some of her behavior towards me or certain situations and think what were you thinking Mum?! So I buy a neutral card, same for DMIL because she’s the same really.

I am the same with Father’s Day. I can usually find something neutral or with a picture of a cat on which my Dad likes (more than me probably)

I do wish I could come back in several years time to see your daughters making the exact same post. I very, very, much doubt that you are all the perfect mothers you seem to think you are. Anyone who expects their parents to be perfect is a fool - and why should they be perfect?

I for one don’t think im perfect. I’m pretty sure most other mothers don’t either. Actually I’d go quite the opposite and say the generation of mothers raising young children at the moment are the first to actually acknowledge mistakes and apologise to their children.

What a strange post.

It used to take me ages going through all the cards on display to find one that wasn’t a pack of lies.

Being NC is heaven. 💐

Have this with my dad, nothing bad, just, well, nothing special. I usually rely on a golf pun.

You don't have to be perfect, just good enough, with the occasional needs led parenting going on. Many parents fall very short of even good enough. Why so quick to defend neglect?
@Bumblebeeforever controlling behaviour can be abuse. We don't like to think of our parents/childhood as abusive, but neglect is abuse. Abuse happens in cycles. There would have been times her behaviour crossed over into abuse. Her not giving £1k to your youngest is appalling. I remember finding a card that said 'I hope you have the day you deserve' and years later, I can honestly say I meant the sentiment of it. Thankfully there are neutral cards, that just acknowledge the day.

I know what you mean. There should be a card along the lines of "thanks for keeping me alive in childhood". But then when do I get to stop thanking her for that??

Redbubble or Thortful have neutral cards

Same with my dad, I would never get a cars that says your the best or your great lol.
Just happy Father's Day or birthday!

Agree completely with this. Not all mothers of course, but generally yes, I think this is true. My own mother still believes she was/is a great mother and if she was asked “what about the neglect or the horrible way she spoke to us or when she smashed up our stuff or threw stuff at us, she always replies “I did what I thought was best at the time” as her defence 🙄

Frankly if I end up like my mother I deserve nothing from my children.

yup, same conundrum every year. Avoid anything that talks about being the best mum or even ‘I love you’ as it’s not something she’d ever say. The very formal ‘happy mothering Sunday’ are the best option

Yep. I hate the whole 'Best Mum/Dad' concept anyway. I probably wouldn't have given it another thought if I hadn't spent years trying to avoid the damn things. Add to that, all the worst parents seem to be the ones who get them, judging from my Facebook.
Nor do I want the sentiments on the other cards. Just a basic card will do but I think others get to them ones before I do!

I had a few years where I didn't buy any but it was hurting me to fully acknowledge that that's how I truly felt. So I get my mum one because I see her every now and again and we're in a family group chat. She's not in the best health and I want to make sure I don't feel guilty when her time comes, even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for... why must it be so complicated, haha!

My children are teenagers and just starting to buy cards independently now. I think I'd be offended internally by a Best Mum card! (Joke, mostly!) I don't care what's on the front, I love that they take time to write something nice inside, that tells me I'm doing ok by them. My mum just gets a To... and a From...

I could have written this. I avoid the ones that say 'we shared special moments/ you're always there for me/offering your wise advice/you've guided me through life' etc etc 🤢. I struggle every single year. My mum would also be upset if she knew how I feel. She's not been bad, per se, she's just the product of a post war upbringing I guess. So yeah, you're not on your own x

Not really the point. The point is that every time you’re faced with one of these racks of cards that say that, you have the jarring reminder that she isn’t like that, never was, never will be, and it can be painful. I think the OP is asking for solidarity, not literal advice.

there an enormous gap in the market for cards your obliged to buy and don’t want to

Moon pig is your friend you can get plain cards

the best birthday card bought was WISHING YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU DESERVE

Have this trouble when looking for card for daughter, just buy something bland,

Actually I’d go quite the opposite and say the generation of mothers raising young children at the moment are the first to actually acknowledge mistakes and apologise to their children.

That really isn't true. I'm going to be charitable and imagine that you are still yourself in the throes of raising small children. Everything about being a new parent feels like it is a sudden discovery that the world has just woken up to, so it is easy to get caught up in the illusion that (in some way or other) you are discovering things that your own parents were blind to (such as the need to acknowledge mistakes and apologise).

Your children will do the same if and when they become parents. The raw and vivid experiences that you are having now will be smiled down on by them as if "everything was easier/uncontroversial/deluded/etc in those days".

I'm trying to be kind in my response but actually I feel quite angry. My children are grown now. You seriously think that I am less likely to have apologised to them for my faults than you just because of the intervention of a feeble couple of decades that seem like no time at all? In fact, I apologise too much. (The only thing that stops me apologising even more is that I'm aware that it is a bit of an imposition on them to view their own life experiences too much through the filter of maternal guilt. I work hard to try and view their lives on their own terms, not just as the fodder for anxious memories and anxious rumination.)

Just look back at MN through the decades since it was founded, and see how mothers have always been lacerated by the maternal guilt that society imposes, and have always agonised about their imperfections.

The point is, they will be making mistakes they don't even know they are making.

Some of us are mature enough to understand that parents have flaws, it doesn't make them bad parents. But you go on thinking that the parents of today are so much more wonderful (although it does seem a little strange that so many young children these days have MH issues if their parents are so wonderful and bringing them up so brilliantly).

I just get a generic one and my sister sadly does the same x

Hate the day. And fathers day too. My dps live 4 hours away so I always have to go to the bother of posting the cards a week before. Ive a lot on my plate this year so really can't be arsed.
They're fine but can be really superficial, my dm always wanted us to look good growing up. After having kids and hitting peri they definitely look disappointed when they see me now and probably think ive let myself go. Very materialistic too.

I feel exactly the same, choosing a card seems a trivial thing but it really isn’t.
Mine lives miles away and I usually send a card and flowers. Something happened very recently that has brought up so much from my childhood and really affected me. Years of lies and gaslighting from her and I’ve finally found the strength to put myself first for a change, without fear of her reaction
So this year I will send a bunch of flowers with a “Happy Mother's Day” basic card provided by the florist. Job done.

This is the closest reflection to my feelings. My mum wasn't the world's best mother when I was younger, that's for sure. However she is an elderly lady now and actually really lovely - she adores her grandchildren and I know is 100% in my corner. I can usually find a card that is somewhere between 'World's Best Mum' and 'Happy Mother's Day'. Now she is in her 80s it is also more obvious that I won't have a mother forever so it is easier to overlook the shortcomings and appreciate the positives. I hope my children will extend the same grace to me.