I can’t bring myself to buy a ‘world’s best mum’ Mother’s Day card

[Bumblebeeforever]

I just wondered if anyone is in the same boat, every year I go to buy a Mother’s Day card and find myself unable to pick up anything that says ‘greatest mum’ or ‘best mum’, I usually just end up with a Happy Mothers Day one, although it seems silly, my mums fine, she’s hasn’t done anything wrong, she wasn’t abusive or horrible, and there are much worse mums out there, but I just can’t bring myself to send a card saying she’s the greatest when it feels like a lie. She’s quite selfish and was very controlling when I was younger and made some choices that now as a parent myself I look back on and don’t understand. She’d be very hurt if she knew I felt this way.

There are plenty of cards that don’t say that.

Personally I go for something humorously insulting. You know, for the “bantz”.

But that’s sort of my point. I don’t think I am perfect now, nor do I expect my children not to look back when they’re older and think well I won’t be raising mine that way. I accept that I dont always get it right, very recently my Dd pointed out something that I do that upsets her and I apologised and told her I won’t do it any longer. I could never have that conversation with my mother even now.

My daughter makes my cards. One of them had little love heart flaps and underneath were all the reasons she, and her brothers loved me.
i think you’ll find that people who had less than ideal childhoods tend to really really try not to repeat history.

She’s 24 btw

My teen kids all write really loving and thoughtful messages in birthday and Mother’s Day cards. They have also written that I’m the best mum, although I wouldn’t agree with that fully - I have tried my best though and I’m definitely more present than my parents were/aee.

This possibly suggests that you think we are talking about the small mistakes parents make because that is all they know. Social services were involved in my childhood over concerns of neglect and due to bad decisions made by both my parents we were incredibly poor, not enough food poor but money for at least 2 packets of cigarettes a day. Not all childhoods are equal. However, as an adult I know my parents were a product of their own upbringing and I forgive it all. My parents were brilliant grandparents. My Mother's Day card, if she were still alive would be very loving.

However, every year Dh jokes with anyone choosing Father's Day cards that if anyone finds one that just says you are my Dad can they let him know as that is what he is looking for. His childhood was very different to mine but we have a distant relationship with his Dad so why would he say you're brilliant or the best? He wouldn't.

It's a pity Paperchase closed down. They always had funny cards for this sort of thing.

I actively go out of my way to find Mother's Day/birthday cards which are the most boring, simple ones ever. I won't entertain anything remotely mushy, that says anything about love, how lucky I am to have her, how good a mother she is, enjoy your special day etc. I will search out the cards that say "Have a nice day" or simply "Happy Mother's Day". I've been told by many people that this is awful and asked how would I feel if it was my kids doing this in future etc. I tell them well, I plan to raise my kids differently so I exoect they wouldn't have reason to feel that way about me. Then you get the inevitable "But she's your mum!" Usually said by people who have a lovely relationship with theirs and just can't fathom why anybody would treat their precious mother that way.

So nah, it's not bad at all that you do this.

You’re really not obliged to ‘perform’ relationships through these stupid calendar dates that exist to sell tat and restaurant seats (even those that were once rooted in more meaningful traditions).

There’s no need to buy a gushy fake card for a person who at best sounds like a neutral presence in your life. If you feel that just ignoring the date is too much of a statement, send an equally neutral card - a generic blank with a nice picture on the front and none of the purple prose inside.

DH refuses to buy anything with sentimental wording for his ‘D’M, whose controlling narcissism has blighted his entire life, but he still feels too much guilt and obligation to cut her loose completely, so a neutral, bland card is the compromise.

I was enjoying reading this thread until your post, & had to sign in to respond.
I definitely was hated by my ‘mother’, she had me very young, & blamed me for the subsequent miscarriages she suffered(yep I’m near 70 & rhesus neg wasn’t discovered at that time). Any accident & etc. was something I’d deliberately caused, even today she’ll ask if I remember getting boils on my bum?! as a tiny child?? I remember her threatening to send me to the poor-house. There aren’t many children photos in parents albums, there are none of me with her, but a fair few of her with my much younger brothers.

My ‘d’ M gets a card if I find a suitable 1 (& if I remember…. 1 of my children has a birthday v v close or on occasions on Mother’s day)

Etsy.
I feel the same re DF and avoid the hyperbole

When my kids were at the age I bought the Father’s Day cards I never bought the Greatest Dad cards, just Happy Father’s Day. He didn’t deserve that accolade.

My mum was generally a good mum but I never bought Best Mum cards either.

My DC often write things in their cards like “you’re the best mum ever” and it’s terribly sweet but I always think to myself that it’s not really true! Most of us are not the world’s best mum, even if overall we’re quite good. There’s nothing wrong with a neutral Happy Mother’s Day card.

Touched a nerve did we?

Where are people saying they expected perfection?

I would have liked the occasional cuddle. Someone saying they loved me (she’s never said it).

Someone who didn’t rejoice and delight in my misery, and who didn’t drag me down and ruin things any time my life was going well.

If you think that is asking for perfection, I feel very sorry for any children you have. Mine are young adults now, and write me lovely cards, often handmade. One of them regularly writes songs for me to mark Mother’s Day or my birthday.

The cycle of abuse doesn’t have to continue.

Know this criteria for cards very well!

I did it for my dad and step mum (my mum died when I was a child) right up until their deaths. My husband does the same and very much resents ‘having to’ (fall out definitely not worth not doing it) buy a card, small gift and visit for parents who were/are mildly abusive and emotionally immature…but think they are wonderful.

Thankfully non gushy cards are quite easy to find these days. I think it is a common feeling, sadly. 💐

I don’t expect her to be best mum ever in some sort of ranking system, it just makes me sad that I look at those cards and think ‘no, you definitely aren’t’, because someone in the running for best mum ever would believe their child when they come home from school in tears because they’re being bullied, or would let them quit their part time job (5 nights a week) when they’re struggling to keep up with school work at 6th form, rather than encourage them drop out and end up in a dead end job.

My mother neglected us. We were taken into care. We were barely spoken to, other than to be told what a nuisance we were. She never attended a school play, parents evening, sports day. She has never told us that she’s proud of us, or said “Well done”.

As an adult she has been no better. I asked for her help once, when I was trapped in an extremely abusive, coercive marriage and I’d been violently anally raped. She sided with my ex, said I was telling lies and had me put in a psychiatric unit. Even when the truth came out years later (one professional said it was the worst case of coercive control they’d ever seen) she refused to apologise.

I almost died after surgery last year. I was in hospital for a month and she didn’t bother to visit me, even though she regularly visits her friends in the same local hospital. She never asks after me, or my DCs. She just isn’t interested in our lives.

She should never have had children. She lacks the tools and personality traits needed to be a mother. But I recognise that she is damaged and I have compassion for her. I visit her regularly and make sure her physical needs are met, but our relationship is on a very superficial level. There is no way I could send her a card that has passages in verse like “You’re always there for me”, “you give the best advice”, or “your love holds our family together”. She would know that I would be taking the piss.

I don’t claim to be a perfect mother, but I am a million times better than her because I’ve striven my whole adult life to not be like her. My DCs are my world and they know every single day how loved they are, how wonderful they are, and how proud of them I am.

Thank you so much for writing that, it makes me realise I'm not alone in how I feel.
Growing up I was really close to my mum and thought she was amazing. I'd buy huge bouquets of flowers on Mother's Day/birthdays etc with the very little money I had. I once bought a very expensive Royal Daulton figurine from the shop I worked in as a teenager because she's expressed she liked it.
I think it was once I got engaged that I really started to realise that the reason our relationship was so close was because I'd always done exactly as she wanted/expected. Once I started saying no to how she imagined things should be, and she realised she couldn't control/be involved in every aspect of my life anymore, our relationship shifted.
I also began to realise that things I'd just accepted as normal, weren't normal in a lot of mother/daughter relationships - the control, the expectations to live my life as she wanted, the constant judgement of others, the constant criticism of my looks/body/clothing choices etc (which have destroyed my self confidence). Everything was about how good our lives looked to other people (it didn't matter that I was bullied for years at school because it was supposedly a good school and it was seen as success to go there, regardless of the fact it was destroying my mental health). I was made to feel guilty & ungrateful about everything, & the sulking when things didn't go the way she'd imagined was designed to guilt trip me.

The one time as an adult that I really needed her was when my son was seriously ill in hospital with Meningitis and we were in limbo no knowing if he was going to wake up. She gave absolutely no support & made it all about what she wanted. That was the real turing point for me in our relationship (not that she's aware of that because it would be completely denied!). It's exhausting, so over the years I've really pulled back and our relationship is quite terse now. It makes me so sad when I see the relationship other mother/daughters have compared to mine, and terrified I might make the same mistakes with my daughter.
Sorry, that turned into a cathartic rant!!k

My 3 sisters all used to buy my mum ‘best mum ever’ type Mother’s Day cards. I used to get the plainest ones I could find, without anything of the sort printed on the front. She was fine, I just didn’t feel that way about her, and nor did my sisters - they just felt obliged.

Now I am a mum to young adults, I’d detest if they bought me pre-printed schmaltzy nonsense. What they do is buy a card they know I’ll love (this excludes anything at all with ‘mum’ on it), and they write something quite long and thoughtful on the inside. Always makes me cry 🥹

I've always just got my mum a "have a lovely day" type card for mothers day or birthday but we are not an overly gushy sentimental family so it's fine.

Traditionally I have struggled to find the right card as I call my mum 'Mummy', so often ended up with cards saying 'I may be little, Mummy. But I love you lots and lots'.

It's easier these days with personalised cards.

Lots of other options. Buy a funny one or a no-specific card and just write a personal message inside. I have a great relationship with my Mum but would still never buy those cards. They just seem a bit twee and disingenuous - saying something so meaningful yet being massive produced if that makes sense? I feel the same about valentine's.

What would happen if you didn't send a card? She doesn't sound as though she deserves one.

You could be me. I don’t remember her ever touching me let alone hugging me. She never said she loved me
in fact I don’t have DC because she blackmailed me into a termination and then I was diagnosed with such bad endo it’s now impossible

I wouldn't even bother sending her a card in that case. She sounds pretty horrible.