To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

Of course they can. Financial circumstances change all the time.

I wouldn't pay for anything if my daughter spoke to me like that. I couldn't afford to pay for my daughter's lessons. I paid for two tests, the theory test and insurance on my car so she could practise. She paid for her lessons herself. My daughters haven't ever spoken to me like that. If you promised and have gone back on your word it would be understandable she'd be upset but even so she shouldn't speak to you like that. She sounds like she has it pretty easy to me.

"Promises" are the sort of thing i associate with friendship groups between 10 year olds.

The DD is an adult. More than old enough to be capable of appreciating things change in life, and you just have to crack on and be a grown up about it.

Prioritising a vet bill over a promise you made to your own child for a necessary life skill is rubbish. If I had a vet bill that was £5k, I would be putting the pet to sleep or asking the vet for a payment plan so I could keep my promise to my child.

I would never go back on my word for my children.

The daughter is owed the apology, not the OP.

You’d put to sleep an animal so your daughter didn’t have to pay for driving lessons?

As in. You would end a life, admittedly not a human one but still, to avoid someone having to do something that many, many other people do anyway?

A reasonable 18year old would be disappointed and probably pissed off but would be able to understand the reason why Mum now cannot afford the lessons. Shit happens and young adults need to be a bit more resilient and not so entitled!
If my children had told me to fuck off the cash point would be closed for a long time @!

You'd really put a beloved pet to sleep if it meant you could no longer pay for driving lessons for a grown adult?

Wow.

OP is more than old enough to know that a surprise vet bill is a weak excuse for not being there for her daughter like she promised.

Oh, and promises are all through adult life. You promise to be monogamous, you sign a contract that is a promissory note, you make wedding vows which are promises.

Are you taking the piss?

I had no idea that you can only learn to drive while youre 18 now, then thats it, no further opportunity ever to learn. Thats wild.

Sorry but my children are higher priority than any pet. I think most people wouldn’t have £5k to spend on a vet bill. They’d be saying it’s time to let the pet go.

Are you? You do know a vet bill of £5k usually means the pet is extremely ill and close to end of life anyway at that point.

But OP did have the money, and chose to spend it on her pet, while her adult daughter lives with her rent-free, doesn't pay for anything and works in a well paid job.

Said daughter needs to pull her socks up, grow up a bit and fund her own bloody driving lessons.

The mind boggles that an entitled teenagers driving lessons would prioritise the life of a beloved pet ! My kids would be absolutely furious if I had the dog PTS for this reason.
Obviously different if the dog is likely to die or is very old .

It's irrelevant what "most" parents do or what's "normal"; you're in a specific situation where you (I think) told your daughter that you would pay for her lessons and paperwork to get her license and now you may not be able to follow through. Likely she feels blindsided; at 18 just out of college working full time to save for starting uni, she's going to be counting and accounting for every penny. (Keep in mind, she doesn't know what uni is like or what it will cost her or how she'll manage; this is all new and still speculative to her). Just as the large unexpected vet bill was a blow to you, the bill for leaning to drive will be to her. Of course, she shouldn't speak to you as she did, but she's not "just" being an entitled brat (about this issue, anyway). She may not have fully absorbed the issues with your pet or what that expense means in your larger financial situation. If you really cannot pay, tell her why.

Otherwise, I'd take another look at your finances and decide what's reasonably possible now. Is this mainly a cash flow issue - e.g., driving lessons was going to absorb a particular pool of discretionary money for the next few months, and now the vet bill has hit at the same time? If so, could it be an option to have your daughter pay up front (or split the cost) and you "pay her back" later on/incrementally?

As a side note, it does sound like you're not comfortable with how things are working out over this gap year. If she's spending her earnings from her current job frivolously/buying things you consider too much of an indulgence, I can see why you're annoyed. If she's mainly using the temporary opportunity of full-time income and very limited expenses to save all she can for uni, I'd respect that but again, be realistic. If you need her to pay for certain things, or feel it's important for her that she does, arrange it up front before she's mentally added her earnings to her "uni savings" total. And, since you mentioned it, she should be doing a share around the house - at the very, very least taking care of her own needs, keeping her room clean, and tidying up after herself in common areas. But decide what needs to change and discuss it with her, no (more) surprises!

No, it absolutely does not.

5k can be the cost of repairing a cruciate injury. In can be the cost of emergency surgery because the dog has swallowed something and has a blockage. In can be the cost of amputation and recovery because the dog has been hit by a car.

If you'd put your pet to sleep in those scenarios then that's your choice, but it's hardly unreasonable to want to keep them alive

Exactly. I could never forgive myself if my parents had put my dog/cat to sleep because I wanted to learn to drive - especially when I was 18, earning my own money and fortunate enough to be living at home for free!

No wonder so many kids are so bloody entitled these days. Fuck me.

In your opinion its a weak excuse.

Op doesnt have to agree with that, and the DD doesnt have to like it. But its tough titties really. Time for her to show shes mature enough to be a road user, if shes one of these toddler "but you made a promise waaahhh" types then thank god it'll be a bit longer before shes driving to be frank 😬

They were not 10 year olds. One adult made a promise to another. Most decent people keep promises.

Her daughter is 18 and saving up for higher education.
That is a teenager who is barely an adult.
OP has passed the buck of a surprise bill to her own teen daughter.
Not very mature in my opinion to rob Peter to pay Paul.
She is ditching her financial commitment to her daughter because she can’t handle a surprise bill. Probably because a landlord or other creditor wouldn’t accept the surprise vet bill excuse. Her teen daughter is taking the financial hit for OP’s failure to save.

Think about that “you made a promise waaaah” next time a friend you loan money to decides they’re not paying it back because of a surprise bill. You can tell yourself it’s tough titties and you need to grow up and forget about promises meaning anything.

Yep, it was £4k just for MRI scans and other investigations on my dog when she swallowed a stick. Then £3k on some tooth issue. £6k on some lumps being removed, tests, scans, monitoring, meds etc. Nowhere near death at all in any instance 🙄

Yep exactly my thoughts!

Well, if I was 18 and my mum put my pet to sleep because she'd rather pay for my driving lessons, I'd probably never forgive her for it.

It's not "passing the buck" - it's teaching an 18yo that shit happens and we can't always have what is promised to us. I'm sure she'll survive - along with the thousands of other people who also have to pay for their own driving lessons

I dont loan money to friends