To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

[Firsttimemom3]

Did 18 years old is on her gap year. She has a good job well paid and saving for uni next year. We have given her a lump of money for her 18th, we do not charge her rent, we pay for food, phone and extras. We were meant to pay for her driving licence but we just had a massive vet bill, we are stretched. Am I unreasonable to expect her to pay her driving licence ?

What? Why? If a parent chooses to offer to fund it then that's up to them but it's certainly not expected or at least it shouldn't be. There's no way I'd have allowed my parents to pay for my driving lessons. If you're mature enough to drive, you're mature enough to budget and pay for it.

This is ridiculous

I got a job and paid for my own driving licence, lessons, car and insurance

I never expected my parents to pay for any of it

Snowflake, entitled, wet blanket children. All they want to do these days is not work, parents provide and oh yes, I'll be an influencer

It is massively spoilt to expect your parents to pay for this

I would be backing right off after how she spoke to you! She’s probably angry as it’s something her friends parents cover? We paid for our kids’ licence, lessons, test, car the lot.

I find this attitude so bizarre. My auntie and uncle are like it - their kids turned 18 and suddenly they decided they didn’t need to be a parent anymore. An 18 year old is an adult in name only and as a parent it is your responsibility to help them. My parents still help me now - they brought me into the world and they didn’t stop being my parents just because I am married with my own children.

Would your parents still help you if you told them to fuck off?

I find this equally as bizarre.

My mum remains my mum, but her commitment to paying for things for me ended a long long time ago.

There is more to being a parent than paying for stuff, and OP isn’t failing her daughter by asking her to pay for something herself.

She has a job and is earning a good wage. But unlike "real adults" (however you may define them) she's living totally free of charge, fully financed by Mum and Dad, and it sounds as though Mum is cooking for her and cleaning up after her. At what point do you think Mum and Dad can legitimately stop paying for everything and doing everything for her? And regardless of their own financial situation? I'm not convinced that treating her like that is actually good parenting.

She’s 18 and saving for uni.

if my dd were in a “proper” adult job- education done, then yes I’d expect them to be financially independent and pay their own way.

but uni is so expensive these days, and I’d want her to be able to finish her studies with as little debt as possible. So no, I wouldn’t expect contributions toward household costs in that case. I’d rather she saved up and was financially more comfortable at uni.

my mum never asked for contributions toward household costs while we studied. I am grateful for that as I lived on a shoestring, even with a job. I was able to put a bit aside so when I graduated and got a new job in another city I had the deposit for a flat and start up expenses until my first proper paycheck came through. I remember sitting in my flat with nothing, with a tenner to last me til payday. My mum taking me to m&s to fill my tiny fridge. Never been so grateful.

so yes, I will support my children until they no longer need that support.

No, she's prioritising the NEEDS of the pet over the WANTS of her daughter. Very different scenario. They're not in a burning building. One is completely dependent and needs medical care. The other is spoilt, entitled and wants a car which she can, actually, afford to pay for herself, as a working adult. Not exactly comparable situations.

I am a parent. I have parents. I parent and I'm parented. But no money has ever exchanged hands since I grew up and my children grew up. Parenting is about love, support, advice, friendship and fun. It is not about funding your children's lives. If that's what you think it's about, you are a truly terrible parent.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable at all, no - she gets a lot from you. The problem would be if you had told her that you’d pay and then have suddenly changed your mind, then she’d be understandably pissed off.

Precisely.

She’s not prioritising the dogs health over the DD’s health, she’s (rightly) prioritising the dogs’ health over the DD’s desire to learn to drive!

She’s well paid and living at home for free with her phone and food paid for. Not unreasonable to ask her to pay for her own driving lessons, she will definitely be able to afford it and still save plenty.

It’s not ALL it’s about, obviously.

But if you have resources, why would you not use them to make your children’s lives easier.

Sounds like your parents have made your life harder than it needs to me so you are trying to teach your children to “stand on their own two feet” like you did rather than just be a generous person who realises that everyone needs a leg up, life is expensive these days and if you have the power to make your child’s life easier, you should

Which I think is more important, sorry not sorry

OP doesn’t have the resources.

She had them, but something she deemed a more important way to spend her own money happened.

Her daughter has every right to be disappointed about that, but that’s how life works. Shit happens.

Gross.

No, not everyone needs a leg up. Most don't. I didn't. My kids didn't. We're 3 generations of grown ups who, work hard, earn good money, are not entitled and don't sponge. If a crisis happened and I needed money, my parents are well positioned to help me. Similarly if my kids had a crisis and needed money, I am very well placed to help them. My kids, even though relatively fresh(ish) out of university are also positioned to help anyone that needs it. We're all responsible, grown up adults with strong bonded relationships through love and support, not through pound signs. Not a spoilt brat in sight!

Why didn’t you pay for lessons for her 17th birthday

what did she get a year ago @Firsttimemom3

Wow. The answers 👀

I paid for all my own lessons and car etc. Would never have asked my parents to have done this. I also relied on student loans and grants for Uni.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She’s an adult!

I see driving as a life skill so paid for my daughters and will pay for my son. Bought a small car to practise in, approx £5k (used by both girls and hopefully my son too). Each daughter had weekly lessons for about 10 months plus at least weekly practice with me, and passed first time. Lessons cost £300 for 10 so about £1.2k total plus the cost of the theory and practical test and insurance on the car. Dd1 was working and saving for uni when she was learning. She saved 15k over the year by being careful with her money. If she had paid for her driving she'd have saved less for uni and we'd have to give her more money for uni so it's swings and roundabouts.

OP if your daughter is disrespectful to you and if she's wasting her own money on shit while you pay for everything then you'd be justified in refusing to pay for driving.

If this lot can't look after themselves now how are they going to in the future and fund their own children in a similar way. Probably think their children will fund them or of course rely on benefits. What will happen when future governments do away with benefits? Nasty shock in store.

I really cannot believe your posts are your true feelings. Surely you are taking the piss?

You think the daughter's driving lessons, which will still undoubtedly happen but not immediately, are more important than a loved pet's health!!!!

👏 Couldn’t agree more!

We are creating a generation of adults who do not know what it is to be self sufficient

But OP didn't just "suddenly change her mind". She didn't know that their pet would need medical treatment did she? Things happen in life. Often things that cost money. Unless we all have a crystal ball how are we supposed to know they are going to happen?

Daughter may be a bit upset. She has no right to be pissed off