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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think XH has outdone himself

184 replies

BurnoutGP · 07/03/2026 07:28

DD1 is 24 DD2 Is 18. The father is not a good man or father. DD1 is estranged through no fault of her own. Paternal grandfather died last year and DD2 was told all grandchildren were left 5K.
Few weeks ago a letter arrived for DD2 asking her to attend solicitor with proof of ID/address etc for inheritance. Nothing for DD1. She is currently travelling abroad so we assumed her father had said he didn't know where she was. She emailed the solicitors and got no response. Very upset thinking she had for some reason been left out the will (no reason she loved him and visiting him more than the other grandchildren including DD2). She requested a copy of the will online and it states 5k to all his grandchildren but not named by name.
I rung solicitors who confirmed that XH when asked for a list of his children did not identify her at all so they were unable to communicate with her until her identify was proved. I have since taken in her birth certificate.

They have been estranged for years since she was a teen. After years of letting her down and gaslighting she decided to leave it to him to make contact and he never did. This has affected her hugely. She is so upset about this.
I am sadly not surprised he is a spiteful abusive little man.
AUBU that this is pretty low even for him.

OP posts:
Thelankyone · 07/03/2026 07:53

Brewtiful · 07/03/2026 07:52

What a ridiculously unnecessary question. Hmm

Show quote history

It’s valid though, one child id understand but this is an awful man so clearly a back story as to why uour procreate twice,

Original poster
BurnoutGP · 07/03/2026 07:54

This reply has been deleted

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Very good question. These men are master manipulators and liars. I don't regret it because I have 2 wonderful DD. I regret they have such an awful father.
His current wife has a DD with him 5 months older than my DD2. We were married when they were both born.

OP posts:
Brewtiful · 07/03/2026 07:55

Thelankyone · 07/03/2026 07:53

It’s valid though, one child id understand but this is an awful man so clearly a back story as to why uour procreate twice,

Show quote history

It's not a valid question because it doesn't take a lot of common sense to work out that people like the OP don't realise what these people are like until after they have had the children. Surely you could have worked that out without commenting on the thread...

Offherrockingchair · 07/03/2026 07:59

I’d be wondering about the solicitor here. Surely their due diligence needs to be better than relying on the word of one deranged man!

Devilsmommy · 07/03/2026 08:00

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Wow, must be amazing to be so perfect 🙄 OP at least you have managed to sort it for her. And he's thankfully blown up any chance of a relationship himself.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/03/2026 08:02

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

If you read it states she did have a relationship with grandfather ... visited him more than ither grandchildren.

loislovesstewie · 07/03/2026 08:02

Am I correct in saying that the grandfather has another family too who were previously unknown to your ex? Or am I confused?

Soooooo · 07/03/2026 08:03

Thelankyone · 07/03/2026 07:53

It’s valid though, one child id understand but this is an awful man so clearly a back story as to why uour procreate twice,

Show quote history

Christ you are just embarrassing yourself now.

Pusstachio · 07/03/2026 08:03

I’m estranged from my violent alcoholic father and he pulled the exact same thing. Luckily my amazing aunt stepped in and about three years down the line it finally all got resolved. I was estranged from him not my grandfather.

auserna · 07/03/2026 08:04

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Read the OP.

Tryingnottobeamouse · 07/03/2026 08:06

This is awful, your poor daughter. She's going to need therapy/counselling to help her deal with the feelings around having a father that treats her like this. I'd recommend starting now if she hasn't already, better to just get going and give her the tools to move on in her own way. She will be grateful for her strength in standing up for herself at such a young age in time but she's going to need support to feel that

Goldmonkey · 07/03/2026 08:06

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I expect she thought ‘this man’s awful, I know I’ll have two kids with him. That’ll make life so much better’

Or maybe she didn’t realise what a monumental shit he was at that time.

How come you decided to ask that question? What answer were you expecting/ looking for?

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 07/03/2026 08:12

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Of course she can, it was left to her in a will.

Isadora2007 · 07/03/2026 08:13

He sounds like a real arsehole narcissist- your poor dd is better off without him but it does hurt them (my ex is similar and is no longer in contact with our dd but is with our son). Though I did think that perhaps the grandad wasn’t really the best guy either with the whole “secret family” which it sounds like exH also did… generational trauma and all that. I know that as much as my exH is a horrible guy, he is a product of the things in life that he went through resulting in what I believe to be a severe attachment disorder. People generally aren’t born bad… but if they’re broken they can hurt others sadly.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 07/03/2026 08:14

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Yes she can. The Grandfather's will stated 5k should be left to ALL his grandchildren and he didn't name them individually my name, so there is no evidence he intended to leave her out.

The girl's father and/or the executor has taken it upon themselves to choose not to divulge the existence of his older daughter to the probate solicitor. That's probably illegal actually. It's not for him to decide whether her rightful inheritance should be withheld or not.

Flowerlovinglady · 07/03/2026 08:15

Please feel free to ignore responders who ask why you had two kids with this man etc ... emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships are not well understood so some people can say some quite ignorant things.

I think your daughter would do well to talk to a therapist about this. There will be a lot for her to process.

IdentityCris · 07/03/2026 08:17

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Nonsense. She can expect the money to be left to her will come to her. If that was not what her grandfather wanted, he could have changed his will. She should not expect that her father will lie about her existence - especially when it means that in effect, if he is residuary beneficiary, he will be stealing the money her grandfather intended for her.

OnGoldenPond · 07/03/2026 08:19

It’s more than nasty and petty, it is actually criminal fraud. You say that a specific gift of £5,000 was willed to all grandchildren. By omitting DD1 from the list of his DC, your ex has increased the value of the residual estate which was presumably left to him and any siblings he has.

Has the solicitor confirmed DD1 will now receive her legacy? They can recover it from those who received the residue of the estate even if the estate has been fully distributed. They should also report your ex to the police. I would consider doing that myself if the solicitor fails to.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/03/2026 08:20

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Clearly you did NOT read the post .! Honestly !

thepariscrimefiles · 07/03/2026 08:20

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

DD1 had a relationship with the grandfather. OP has said that she spent more time with him than the other grandchildren did. The will left £5k to all the grandchildren. OP's abusive ex-husband deliberately failed to provide the details of DD1 to the solicitors.

CelticSilver · 07/03/2026 08:20

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Hard disagree. The law is the law.

ShallWeDance · 07/03/2026 08:21

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

Did you read it properly before jumping in there?

Thereissnowinmywellies · 07/03/2026 08:21

Redflagsabounded · 07/03/2026 07:47

So he tried to defraud her to get his hands on her inheritance.

I'd be pettying my way off to the police.

Why involve the police it's for the solicitor to deal with isn't it? I don't think a crime has been committed.

Volpini · 07/03/2026 08:22

It’s not the same thing, but when my paternal grandmother died, my father told my mother she had wanted to change her will to include me (long backstory, Father had lied stating I wasn’t his child. I look very like her and when she finally met me, aged 5, she realised I was in fact his daughter.) She died shortly after, will unchanged. Father kept it all, gave neither me or my struggling mother (raising me with not a bean from him) not one penny. What a piece of work some of these me are!

Wordsmithery · 07/03/2026 08:22

socks1107 · 07/03/2026 07:31

It is petty but, she is also estranged. She cant expect the money or the same if she has no relationship with them.

Edited

That's rubbish. Read the post! She wasn't estranged from her grandfather, just from her father. Who deliberately tried to deprive her of her inheritance - and bypass his own father's wishes. That's sheer spite on his part. Poor girl.