To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

DIYdiv · 2026-03-06T23:05:18+00:00

Feel so guilty saying that. DD has OCD and anxiety and more recently DS (younger) has said on a few occasions that he feels a bit rubbish - I think he means a bit down - but doesn’t know why. The thing is they NEVER speak to DH about this stuff. It’s always me. Mainly because DH is crap at those sorts of conversations - but that makes me angry as it feels like weaponised incompetence. I don’t have the choice to be crap at it and if I am, that’s just tough as the buck stops with me. I really don’t think DH spends 75% of his time googling MH issues/therapists/coping strategies like I do. And of course I want them to share their problems with me but, bloody hell, It can be draining. I dread bedtimes sometimes as I know one of them will need my amateur counselling for something - I can be talking to them for hours at a time. And just when I’ve got one of them over an issue or crisis, I’ll get that knock on the bedroom door and see one of their sad faces and know I’m in for a good hour of talking them down from something. I love them to bits and they’re both amazing kids but I feel like I spend my life on eggshells waiting for one of them to say they’re feeling sad/anxious/worried about something. A sign of the times for young people, I think, sadly. Can anyone relate?

TofuTuesday · 06/03/2026 23:08

100% with you op, every word. Mine are 18-30 and I’ve considered making this post myself.

Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:09

oh god - yours are adults and you still feel like this?? You poor thing.

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shellyleppard · 06/03/2026 23:11

Been there myself. When both my sons were having problems I set up "office hours".... Made us all a hot drink, nice biscuits then had a good chat. But once it got to a certain time i would say I'm done. Dealing with everyone problems takes it out of me mentally, I need time to process everything.

TellMeDinosaurFacts · 06/03/2026 23:13

How old are they? You are not alone. Mine are 13 and 10 and it feels relentless at the moment. I feel emotionally beaten up after just bearing the weight of their frustration and sorrow.
It helps that they often tell me that they feel better after letting it all out. I also tell myself that if they release their worries and anger to me it means they won't turn it inwards on themselves. I also go out to an exercise class two nights a week which right now feels like necessary protection. Do you get a protected night or two?
But mostly solidarity. When people say it gets harder as they get older I think this is what it means.

Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:13

Yes, I’ve tried suggesting my DC chat to me about stuff during the day rather than waiting for bedtime but DS in particular says that’s when he starts thinking about all this stuff.

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Mrs1904 · 06/03/2026 23:14

Yes, I have a very anxious and sensitive 12 yr old. Struggling with year 7 and finding his place.
And once I've settled him, I then have a ball of anxiety of my own and can't sleep.
I have a 10 yr old who has always been very relaxed but has recently been struggling with concentration and his behaviour is suffering a bit in school so hoping I can nip that in the bud pronto.
But I keep saying how much easier it was when they were babies. Its hard, but my mum always tells me how lucky they are to have me in their corner and I am doing all I can.
My dh is a great dad, but rubbish at dealing with the MH stuff so it's all on me. Standing in solidarity with you OP!

TellMeDinosaurFacts · 06/03/2026 23:15

We use the adage "if you hate everyone you're hungry, if you think everyone hates you you're tired" relatively successfully at bedtimes when it suddenly feels as though the world is ending...

Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:16

TellMeDinosaurFacts · 06/03/2026 23:13

How old are they? You are not alone. Mine are 13 and 10 and it feels relentless at the moment. I feel emotionally beaten up after just bearing the weight of their frustration and sorrow.
It helps that they often tell me that they feel better after letting it all out. I also tell myself that if they release their worries and anger to me it means they won't turn it inwards on themselves. I also go out to an exercise class two nights a week which right now feels like necessary protection. Do you get a protected night or two?
But mostly solidarity. When people say it gets harder as they get older I think this is what it means.

Mine are 15 and 11. Sorry you’re going through it too.

Yes, I think because I don’t really go out at the moment ( money is a bit tight) it’s really wearing me down. Whenever I have had a night or two away with friends, I feel more able to deal with them when I’m back. But I also feel resentful that if they have any problems while I’m away, they’ll bottle them up rather than vent to DH.

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Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:17

Mrs1904 · 06/03/2026 23:14

Yes, I have a very anxious and sensitive 12 yr old. Struggling with year 7 and finding his place.
And once I've settled him, I then have a ball of anxiety of my own and can't sleep.
I have a 10 yr old who has always been very relaxed but has recently been struggling with concentration and his behaviour is suffering a bit in school so hoping I can nip that in the bud pronto.
But I keep saying how much easier it was when they were babies. Its hard, but my mum always tells me how lucky they are to have me in their corner and I am doing all I can.
My dh is a great dad, but rubbish at dealing with the MH stuff so it's all on me. Standing in solidarity with you OP!

God, yes, I thought it was hard when they were babies - what the hell did I know?!!

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Misspacorabanne · 06/03/2026 23:23

I feel the same, mine is 7, we are having some progress with postponing worries for worry time, which we schedule 15 mins each day! Anything we haven’t gotten to the bottom of we go back to the following day! If he continues to worry i just try to reassure that we will write it down and talk it over at worry time. It seems to help some what! We then try and do something fun together afterwards, a favourite game or something as he’s still young, and then he’s not thinking of his worries at bed time.
Ive no idea if it’s right it’s just something I’ve been taught through cbt for my own anxiety! It’s definitely draining though I’ll agree with that!

Thecows · 06/03/2026 23:23

It's v hard, sympathies here

TofuTuesday · 06/03/2026 23:23

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:09

oh god - yours are adults and you still feel like this?? You poor thing.

Yes sorry. Longstanding mental health issues for one and a range of emotional wellbeing for the others. I’m exhausted. I really hear you on the ‘won’t speak to dh’ and how you are the one solving things and googling things. Remember you are not a therapist, you are mum. It’s really easy to beat yourself up about this stuff.

Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:24

Misspacorabanne · 06/03/2026 23:23

I feel the same, mine is 7, we are having some progress with postponing worries for worry time, which we schedule 15 mins each day! Anything we haven’t gotten to the bottom of we go back to the following day! If he continues to worry i just try to reassure that we will write it down and talk it over at worry time. It seems to help some what! We then try and do something fun together afterwards, a favourite game or something as he’s still young, and then he’s not thinking of his worries at bed time.
Ive no idea if it’s right it’s just something I’ve been taught through cbt for my own anxiety! It’s definitely draining though I’ll agree with that!

That sounds a very good tactic. Just so sad that so many DC feel like this though.

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Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:25

TofuTuesday · 06/03/2026 23:23

Yes sorry. Longstanding mental health issues for one and a range of emotional wellbeing for the others. I’m exhausted. I really hear you on the ‘won’t speak to dh’ and how you are the one solving things and googling things. Remember you are not a therapist, you are mum. It’s really easy to beat yourself up about this stuff.

Show quote history

Thank you.

It does make you feel like a therapist though, doesn’t it? And makes me so worried that I might say the wrong thing and make things worse

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Tickingcrocodile · 06/03/2026 23:26

Gosh I know exactly how you feel. Both my teen DC have quite severe mental health problems, including OCD and an eating disorder. DH does his best but they rely on me for all support. He has his own mental health struggles too. One of the DC even sleeps in with me. I feel like I couldn't go away for a weekend because DH wouldn't be able to manage.

It's exhausting and far harder than when they were little.

JLou08 · 06/03/2026 23:27

This may be controversial, but if this is happening a lot, maybe your response is encouraging it. There's obviously some things that can't be brushed off, if a child feels suicidal you sit and speak as long as needed. If they're feeling a bit anxious a quick "that's tough, why don't you go and try a walk/drawing (whatever self care they're into) and see if that helps". As long as they have some attention and time to chat with you during the week sending them off to use their own tools sometimes is fine. I'd say it's more than fine actually, it's an essential life skill.

PolyVagalNerve · 06/03/2026 23:27

I can totally relate to this -
and mines late teens - I get like a trauma response when I get texts from them !! My stomach drops and I think here we go ….
but completely want to be there for them at the same time! It’s really hard !

Original poster

DIYdiv · 06/03/2026 23:28

JLou08 · 06/03/2026 23:27

This may be controversial, but if this is happening a lot, maybe your response is encouraging it. There's obviously some things that can't be brushed off, if a child feels suicidal you sit and speak as long as needed. If they're feeling a bit anxious a quick "that's tough, why don't you go and try a walk/drawing (whatever self care they're into) and see if that helps". As long as they have some attention and time to chat with you during the week sending them off to use their own tools sometimes is fine. I'd say it's more than fine actually, it's an essential life skill.

Edited

That’s actually a really good point.

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Auroraloves · 06/03/2026 23:31

Yes I can very much relate, it’s always at bedtime too. They come to me and not my husband. I am glad they are open with me and I know how they are feeling g but goodness, it’s overwhelming and exhausting

my daughter is 16 and finding the run up to gcse exams very stressful

CherryBlossom321 · 06/03/2026 23:33

Yeah. It’s really, really hard. No support system or village here, no friends or nights away. I figure it’s a season in my life which will eventually pass but it’s knackered my health (physical and mental) and I imagine it will be years before I recover once it’s over. Assuming one day it is. Acceptance has helped me hugely.

mumsickles · 06/03/2026 23:44

I’m so glad in a way that you posted this. I’ve been feeling super alone with the things my 11 year old has been saying since the beginning of year 7. Like ‘what is the point of life, we all die anyway and all our memories with it’ and it’s felt so hard dealing with it. She is really sad at the points when she says this but then is totally fine the rest of the time. I find it so hard to navigate as I haven’t got the answer and don’t know what to say. How do I explain that everything isn’t pointless?

its reassuring to read I am not the only mum going through this

Perimenoanti · 06/03/2026 23:46

OP im a few years into therapy. Talking things though endlessly isn't helpful. Its helpful they feel safe to come you and be able to talk, but its best to also learn some coping strategies. Like writing a diary, focusing on an activity, a hot drink or just 'feeling it' instead of talking/thinking it. A long hug or just sitting with it, knowing how they feel and whether they want a solution or just to dump. They need to begin to think 'oh im feeling a bit crap so I will do x to help'.

shellyleppard · 06/03/2026 23:47

@DIYdiv could your son write down his thoughts?? Sometimes when they are actually out in the open they don't seem so bad?? It used to help my youngest one x

MJagain · 06/03/2026 23:48

JLou08 · 06/03/2026 23:27

This may be controversial, but if this is happening a lot, maybe your response is encouraging it. There's obviously some things that can't be brushed off, if a child feels suicidal you sit and speak as long as needed. If they're feeling a bit anxious a quick "that's tough, why don't you go and try a walk/drawing (whatever self care they're into) and see if that helps". As long as they have some attention and time to chat with you during the week sending them off to use their own tools sometimes is fine. I'd say it's more than fine actually, it's an essential life skill.

Edited

This.
if it’s regularly extending bedtime I’d respond by making bedtime earlier. Kids need more sleep than most get.

it you’re trying to put them to bed at 9. D it’s taking til half past, I’d start taking them up at 8 - half hour chat, half hour reading & lights out on time.

Everything feels worse when you’re tired. They need to learn that not all their feelings are true. especially the ones they have when they’re tired. Try carving out time in the day for an emotional check in, and if they say they feel fine then, you can remind them of that later

DisconnectedDrainpipe · 06/03/2026 23:49

Mine are 33 and 41. Own homes own kids .. im still their counsellor.. then the eldest has 3 teenagers with ASD/ADHD . She does the same for them.. and she holds a job and has PTSD from her ex husband.. ( not kids Dad) . Sometimes l have to say. I love you.. I'm always here for you.. but today I'm having a chill day just for me.. unless it's an emergency.. they don't have a father.