To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

[DIYdiv]

Feel so guilty saying that.

DD has OCD and anxiety and more recently DS (younger) has said on a few occasions that he feels a bit rubbish - I think he means a bit down - but doesn’t know why.

The thing is they NEVER speak to DH about this stuff. It’s always me. Mainly because DH is crap at those sorts of conversations - but that makes me angry as it feels like weaponised incompetence. I don’t have the choice to be crap at it and if I am, that’s just tough as the buck stops with me. I really don’t think DH spends 75% of his time googling MH issues/therapists/coping strategies like I do.

And of course I want them to share their problems with me but, bloody hell, It can be draining. I dread bedtimes sometimes as I know one of them will need my amateur counselling for something - I can be talking to them for hours at a time. And just when I’ve got one of them over an issue or crisis, I’ll get that knock on the bedroom door and see one of their sad faces and know I’m in for a good hour of talking them down from something.

I love them to bits and they’re both amazing kids but I feel like I spend my life on eggshells waiting for one of them to say they’re feeling sad/anxious/worried about something. A sign of the times for young people, I think, sadly.

Can anyone relate?

i have an autistic DD who info dumps and I put timed boundaries in place for that when I became overwhelmed by it.

It’s also important that children learn about emotions and how to deal with them. Lots of primary schools use Zones of Emotion for this so that children learn to recognise and self regulate, and will need support when learning. Taking personal responsibility for not just our physical health but our mental health is vital.

I have observed many parents do not like to see their child upset in any capacity and will try to solve it (and stop the emotional response) rather than support the child through it. If children don’t learn how to cope and parents prevent it by solving it for children, they can grow up not having these skills.

Obviously, anything more serious on the mental health scale needs a professional approach. It is also worth considering that neurodiversity has an impact on emotional regulation.

https://zonesofregulation.com/

If I were you, I would go on the side of teaching them about mental health and how people in general can manage it. And go through the different emotions/scenarios, exploring different methods of dealing with them. Then they will have some tools to manage it themselves. It could take some of the weight off you

Wow, so many of you are dealing with similar things.

Sorry I can’t reply to each post but just a few things I wanted to pick up on:

I also grew up in the 80s/90s and also didn’t really talk to my parents about feelings. Part of me wonders if that was partly a good thing as i had no choice but to learn to cope alone. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that’s a good strategy for kids with serious MH issues.

And yes - I probably am overindulging to some extent. I need to throw the problems back to them a bit - DD’s OCD is awful at times but she never seems to want to try anything I suggest - so yes, asking her what she thinks will help is a good idea. (She has had therapy and we are looking into further help).

And with DS - I think I’m just paranoid that his “sadness” could be the start of an issue, like his sister’s OCD. I have tried normalising his feeling sad by telling him that puberty can do that to you sometimes but I think I need to do more of this, so he understands that not feeling amazing all the time is normal.

I do think that what some PPs have said is correct - society seems too quick to pathologise negative feelings - we all experience sadness/worry/anxiety at times, it doesn’t mean we’re mentally ill.

And I think schools etc like others have said, the messaging needs to be more about helping kids cope with their normal feelings better and help them and parents recognise when they might need more expert help.

But isn’t it bloody exhausting just having to think about and analyse all this??!!

Wow, so many of you are dealing with similar things.

Sorry I can’t reply to each post but just a few things I wanted to pick up on:

I also grew up in the 80s/90s and also didn’t really talk to my parents about feelings. Part of me wonders if that was partly a good thing as i had no choice but to learn to cope alone. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that’s a good strategy for kids with serious MH issues.

And yes - I probably am overindulging to some extent. I need to throw the problems back to them a bit - DD’s OCD is awful at times but she never seems to want to try anything I suggest - so yes, asking her what she thinks will help is a good idea. (She has had therapy and we are looking into further help).

And with DS - I think I’m just paranoid that his “sadness” could be the start of an issue, like his sister’s OCD. I have tried normalising his feeling sad by telling him that puberty can do that to you sometimes but I think I need to do more of this, so he understands that not feeling amazing all the time is normal.

I do think that what some PPs have said is correct - society seems too quick to pathologise negative feelings - we all experience sadness/worry/anxiety at times, it doesn’t mean we’re mentally ill.

And I think schools etc like others have said, the messaging needs to be more about helping kids cope with their normal feelings better and help them and parents recognise when they might need more expert help.

But isn’t it bloody exhausting just having to think about and analyse all this??!!

I can relate. My dd14 has a natural anxious/ over thinking disposition. She told me of several friends self harming and didn’t want to do this but had throughly about it. I got her a therapist last year and after about 12 sessions she’d improved loads. If you can afford it/ access it I would recommend it. The experience was positive (she hated going but felt better after).

OP, it was a done thing in the 90s and before but coping alone is not normal either. I am going to guess you did not have a good model for emotional regulation either and are now doing the other extreme with your kids where there is endless talking and dumping. A lot of this is on you as you probably didn't know how to set boundaries around that and teach something else.

If you are somehow able to, I do very much believe in fixing the parent before trying to fix the child. The child is just a carrier of what's not going so well in the family. Once you are able to handle yourself differently you will automatically model that to your children. And your husband too, he does not get a free pass and really should step up and go with the times. You do not have to be any kind of therapist to your children. You should learn better skills for yourself to then pass on with ease.

Yes I can relate. But, I take absolutely nothing to do with other essential household runnings so it seems fair as neither of us feel it is an efficient use of time to try and develop equivalent competency in either skillset. If either of us did need support we know we could ask and try our best but really it's more likely to be moral than practical

To be honest, I think it is good they confide in you! The kids I have known who struggled the most is those who would not have spoken to their parents. Talking is healing. I think maybe learn to do some meditation/Yoga etc with them, put on a nice candle, try and make it an enjoyable healing time for both of you. It is possible they are just seeking that closeness with you so if you can turn it into something positive, that would be good. Or make sushi together etc, go for a walk when the weather gets better. Or bake some banana bread healthy cookies. A lot of kids that age are sad to be leaving childhood behind and there is a lot of stress at school these days. It should not be draining for you though, more a time to bond with them.

My son suffered with bad anxiety when he was 9. It was getting worse and worse. I found something called SPACE treatment. I had unknowingly been accommodating his anxiety and making it worse. Within 2 weeks of changing how I dealt with him, there was a huge improvement. The book is called Breaking free of child anxiety and ocd. I'd really recommend giving it a try.

I like this!

I feel like this basic advice should be drilled into parents of kids starting school, both primary and secondary . SO many issues could prevented by proper, age appropriate, parenting

No absolutely not because it is destructive but mainly because he is also actually properly trained to deliver mental health care.

This. This and more this.

Gosh your DD sounds just like mine - it is very draining.

@GoldilocksIsALittleSod and @MJagain

Posting tropes that MH issues are inability to deal with ‘ordinary emotions’ and if DC struggle it’s down to parenting.

Yes I agree. It’s great to listen to your children, let them reflect on their day and their worries, but there do have to be boundaries in place. To protect the adult and to give the child a sense of perspective and a way to limit their ruminations. I’ve got a friend who has listened to her child’s every worry and made her the number one in the family. She walks on egg shells at all times and the child is now in her thirties and totally ruling the roost. Moderation is key

Have been in the same position with one of mine. Since about the age of 15 and now 22. Used to only confide in me. So draining and created so much worry for me. Worried they would kill themselves. Dread the long drawn out conversations, going round in circles because they wouldn't listen to any advice, just constant negativity with me feeling useless as not being to provide any answers.
It's got a bit easier as they've got older.

The same in that they would only talk to me about it when they're dad wasn't around and I couldn't tell him about it as I couldn't trust him not to mention it. It was a heavy weight to carry at times. Sometimes I'd be scared returning home to what I might find. I had to ask if they had any intention of self harming as often had the conversation where I was told that they didn't have the choice to be born and didn't want to be here. They told me that they wouldn't self harm but the fear made me very anxious and sick to the stomach.

The only advice I can give is that at least they are talking to you. You have to detach yourself a little bit at times for your own wellbeing.Mine would sometimes apologise later for being so negative so had some insight. I didn't mind them talking to me about it, it was the intensity and the going over the same ground over and over that was exhausting. I still worry about them but not to the extent I did. As they get to adulthood, you can be there for them but ultimately they have to take some responsibility towards helping themselves.