To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

[DIYdiv]

Feel so guilty saying that.

DD has OCD and anxiety and more recently DS (younger) has said on a few occasions that he feels a bit rubbish - I think he means a bit down - but doesn’t know why.

The thing is they NEVER speak to DH about this stuff. It’s always me. Mainly because DH is crap at those sorts of conversations - but that makes me angry as it feels like weaponised incompetence. I don’t have the choice to be crap at it and if I am, that’s just tough as the buck stops with me. I really don’t think DH spends 75% of his time googling MH issues/therapists/coping strategies like I do.

And of course I want them to share their problems with me but, bloody hell, It can be draining. I dread bedtimes sometimes as I know one of them will need my amateur counselling for something - I can be talking to them for hours at a time. And just when I’ve got one of them over an issue or crisis, I’ll get that knock on the bedroom door and see one of their sad faces and know I’m in for a good hour of talking them down from something.

I love them to bits and they’re both amazing kids but I feel like I spend my life on eggshells waiting for one of them to say they’re feeling sad/anxious/worried about something. A sign of the times for young people, I think, sadly.

Can anyone relate?

I don't think you went wrong at all. It sounds like your children are undiagnosed neurodivergent and the world is bloody hard for ND people. You are doing your very best for them. It is bloody exhausting. But you are doing a good job.

@TellMeDinosaurFactsWe extend it slightly to ‘If you hate everyone, eat. If you think everyone hates you, go to bed. If you hate yourself, have a bath.’

I agree with a PP, maybe this is making it into something bigger than it needs to be and almost (perhaps inadvertently) encouraging it. As they go into adulthood, they need to understand that their colleagues or friends won’t necessarily want to take on this role. They need to find ways of managing their emotions in a healthy form, not rely on you as a pseudo counselor. It must be very hard though, I feel for you!

That won’t help OCD

Yes.

Or resort to private counselling/therapies.

My DS is adopted and we were assured, 20 years ago, by SS that there were no issues.......

There is apparently an adoption fund available to help towards the costs of dealing with adoption related issues, but funnily enough we never quite met the requirements. But that's a whole other thread!

Are they diagnosed OP? I agree with others that they need help in managing their own emotions and not "dumping" them on you.
I have an adult daughter who is still under CMHT, who was in a CAMHS inpatient unit as a teenager for several months. I listened to her endlessly until I burnt out and was becoming increasingly resentful.
With the help of my own therapist I am gradually learning to not allow her to "dump" everything on me and to use her own therapist for containment and to learn to live with her emtions.

Absolutely, I feel everything is totally pathologicalised now, from nursery onwards as @Tutorpuzzle succinctly puts, there’s so much “what emotions monster are you today?!”… but nothing as to what to do once identified!

It's really tough and it’s so good that you’re available for them. Giving your unlimited time might not be the best strategy though.
Help them with strategies of their own and limit your time. Tell them you’re tired and you must go to bed in 20 mins and they have to use some of their own strategies.
Things that can work -
A notebook to write down their worries
Box breathing
A distraction game they can play by themselves in their head like naming animals or countries starting with A, then B then C or doing a similar thing with a random word like BLANKET.

when you talk to them, mainly listen. Ask them what that means to them and what could help them. So you’re trying to help hem come up with their own solutions.

Being active in the day is good. Go for short walks in the evening. Spend some of the weekend being active.

When money is tight and you’re dealing with stress, it’s even more important you go out. Going out in nature is actually one of the best things people can do. It’s grounding, regulating and calming. And free.

I have a ton of childhood trauma. Cbt generally isn't helpful. I work with a trauma and psychodynamic therapist. The sad part is that these tools are so basic. People growing up in functional families typically don't need a therapist to teach them that.

Mrs1904 - I could have written your post! Just had a bad night's sleep after listening to my 12 year old who currently has no friends in year 7

This eat, sleep, shower mantra against hate everyone/yourself etc is so weird to be reading.
I have obviously encouraged mine to sleep and personal hygiene etc plus fresh air for well-being but if I told them to go to sleep when they come to talk to me (and I’ve tried let’s see how you feel tomorrow) they would just stay awake stressing.
it feels like something for kids having the odd worry not those struggling with mental health and wellbeing.
so much ocd on this thread, and here, it’s a terrible illness.

Are you making sure you do normalise it for them to have the occasional bit if sadness /feeling anxious?

Tbh it sounds like you're overindulging it a bit and blowing it up into more than it needs to be with the Googling of 'mental health strategies' and the like.

Teens need to understand life has its ups and downs, we all have points in the day we feel a bit worried or a bit sad about something or stressed. I'd give them a bit of sympathy and chat but I would sit for hours overanalysing stuff with them as your giving them the impression that level of worry about it is necessary? If focus on building their resilience not going down a mental health /anxiety rabbit hole.

Ultimately ocd will stem from past experiences that haven't been processed. Of course you can continue to have ocd and manage it with cbt or you can do the harder bit and try to actually heal. Cbt is pushed by the NHS. Doesn't mean the gold standard is what it is. It won't be in a few decades.

walking on eggshells because your children might feel a bit down and sad sometimes ?

by over egging their perfectly normal feelings you could be making them less resilient and more likely to label themselves into problems and if you take more indulgent line than DH they will keep coming for more

Parents who are struggling with their kids' mental health are not doing so because their kids just feel a bit down sometimes. Personally I am struggling because I have two autistic DC, one of which has been unable to attend school for two years because her anxiety is too bad and has selective mutism so can't talk to anyone outside of the house. The other has debilitating ocd and I have to support her for up to two hours every night as she struggles with the effects of this. The idea that medical professionals should be dealing with these things instead of parents is laughable. Obviously we've tried to get mental health support.

So irritating in every mental health thread when people who have no experience of what it's like to deal with this kind of thing think their judgemental, patronising comments outweigh those of us who live through it every day.

I think if the child had diagnosed innate health problems that belongs in the opening post - we seem to have far less experience and knowledge of how to bring up autistic children to be resilient so that is very tough as there is also so little support

but we also get parents - this is personal family experience who don’t attempt to raise resilient children and end up paying a fortune for private medical support when the children get older / and it seems like you have been watching a car crash in very slow
motion , you can see how stupid the parents are being coddling the child and it’s so unfair on the child but there’s nothing you can do

It's a shit situation, but I'm afraid unlikely to change soon. Mine are well into 30s and I'm the one the come to, their father, not a chance. DH often says 'why don't they tell me stuff ' and I'm blunt, 'because you never ask questions or seem interested!'
Ironically, I have always struggled with the parenting lark, and I've never enjoyed it!
I don't and never have had, anyone to vent/ talk to except DH! As a child it was very much, matter of fact, chin up and get on with it to any worries. Nothing was ever discussed as such, but I was also very 'young' emotionally for my age. ( having read so much on here over the years and my DC have had adult ASD diagnosis, I suspect I am ND too.)

Do you ever end the meeting with a solution that you want to see next time?

My teen is 15. When she was about 6 she had a hugggeeee anxiety related to the future. I found that so difficult as she was so young yet so scared of something that was made worse by her imagination. Back then, I would give her all the time she needed to talk to me about it and process it. But one thing I have told her for years and I still tell her now is “what are we (mainly you) going to do about it to change it?”

When she was young it might have looked like writing. We did a lot of “when this thought comes, think this”. The same way kids are normally taught “if you are encountered with something you don’t like, tell the person stop, and if it’s physical hold your hand out”

Eventually the fear subsided. It was weeks if not months in the process.

Now as a teen, she does come to me with things she doesn’t want. Or feelings that are big. We talk them through and then we think about actions.

Example she had very bad acne, it was getting her down. We spent a while getting advice and shopping for safe products, but actually she took matters into her own hands and started learning about products herself, researching routines with me. I told her I have different skin to her, and she will need to spend her life getting to know her skin. I can’t do it for her. But I can guide and for now, buy what’s appropriate. And although now our issue is getting rid of dark spots - we will have another solution driven approach to it. And it’s not causing her distress, it’s a problem she has, and we will solve it.

I am no psychologist - but someone who experiences sadness deeply, but have done lots with my life, and I honestly think our children need to hear more about how much they can do. The tools that they have to change their world if they live in a decent part of the the world. Abit of going out there to see how the other side live so they know they are not worse off (I used to bring my daughter to work I did in the community, and it was so humbling). And that it’s normal to feel sad, but it’s an emotion that shows you something needs to change. And they need to work things out for themselves. And be rewarded so they become adults that can solve problems.

Not just the NHS

https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/ocd-treatment/

That sounds draining.

what therapy are they having? What hobbies do they do? How much exercise are the getting? How well do they eat?

You said you are not getting out much. Are they?

Do they read in an evening? Having them switch off all electronics and read a novel in the evening might help to refocus their minds.

I actually do have experience of what you are speaking of because I have two children with ASD but like I said in my other post my intervening to the degree I was with particularly my eldest daughters mental health issues was actually making the situation worse.

She was using me to vent unproductively basically ruminate onto and then she was expecting me to solve the issues and then taking it out on me when obviously I couldn’t solve her issues.

Stepping back and being her mother and not her therapist and getting her a much more boundaried therapist who was much better at not getting stuck in rumination cycles with her and did some other excellent work with her around her issues turned out to be much more productive for her and healthy for both of us.

She tips in and out with him as she needs for heal health support and we still have plenty of discussions we just don’t do the unproductive ruminating anymore.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. I was struck by what you said about not going out much - and suspect you don’t get much time for yourself. It is very hard to carve that out at times - but you can’t pour from an empty cup so please don’t burn yourself out! Even small breaks - a walk with a friend, an hour to read or something. Can your DH help support that so you can recharge a bit now and then?
Keep going - parenting is a roller coaster for many of us x

@loveandlive and I bet her therapist doesn't let her ruminate either.

Please source this? This is counter everything I have been told including by the national centre of excellence.

I don't think I am 'dismissing' anything by saying those that struggle with acute, diagnosable mental health conditions should be able to get help whilst those who are able to manage their own perfectly normal emotions should do so.
There will always be people that simply cannot 'do life' without medical intervention however the majority of us should be able to cope without dumping our every thought/feeling on our parents from the age of 4-64.
We need a majority self sufficient population so those who cannot manage self sufficiency are able to get help.