To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

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Feel so guilty saying that.

DD has OCD and anxiety and more recently DS (younger) has said on a few occasions that he feels a bit rubbish - I think he means a bit down - but doesn’t know why.

The thing is they NEVER speak to DH about this stuff. It’s always me. Mainly because DH is crap at those sorts of conversations - but that makes me angry as it feels like weaponised incompetence. I don’t have the choice to be crap at it and if I am, that’s just tough as the buck stops with me. I really don’t think DH spends 75% of his time googling MH issues/therapists/coping strategies like I do.

And of course I want them to share their problems with me but, bloody hell, It can be draining. I dread bedtimes sometimes as I know one of them will need my amateur counselling for something - I can be talking to them for hours at a time. And just when I’ve got one of them over an issue or crisis, I’ll get that knock on the bedroom door and see one of their sad faces and know I’m in for a good hour of talking them down from something.

I love them to bits and they’re both amazing kids but I feel like I spend my life on eggshells waiting for one of them to say they’re feeling sad/anxious/worried about something. A sign of the times for young people, I think, sadly.

Can anyone relate?

I think it's amazing that your DC can talk to you about this kind of stuff and that's going to be what ultimately protects their mental health going forwards. I've had ongoing mental health issues that started in my teens and have lasted decades. In my teens I had literally no one to talk to about it and my parents, whilst well-meaning, were ultimately baffled and ashamed of me and didn't (and still don't) want to hear about it because it makes them feel bad. It's that feeling of being completely alone with my difficulties that has made the issues become more ingrained/sustained. It might be hard work now, but I'm so glad for your DC that they have you. Your DH needs to step up and do his bit though. If he's not great at the chats maybe he could take on the research?

I personally think we have gone way too far now with the endless talking about mental health.

We shouldn't really need to have hours long discussions every time we feel nervous (anxiety is a medically diagnosed condition and the term is over used). Nor should every friendship blip require a detailed run down with a parent before bed (excellent way to extend bedtime and get more parental attention though).

The vast majority of children & adult children probably don't actually need to keep bothering their parents with the minutiae of their daily lives but they have been bombarded by the media to the point they believe every feeling is of vast importance and must be shared freely despite the never ending loop just feeding the 'anxiety'.

Of course, there are people with mental health issues that do need that level of input but I would argue that is beyond most parents capabilities, the people that do need that level of care should be receiving medical help. On a population level a bit of 'stiff upper lip ' would go a long way.

Yep, am I the only one on here who never told my parents anything. Now my kids tell me every aspect of their life

OP have you read Untangled by Dr Lisa Damour? It’s the single most important and helpful parenting book I’ve ever read!
one of the things she talks about in the book is the idea of ‘hot potato’ - I’ve copied the overview below:

"Hot potato" is a concept from psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour describing how teenagers manage intense, uncomfortable emotions by dumping them on parents, leaving the adult feeling stressed or angry. Parents are advised to "hold" this emotional distress without absorbing it, acting as a calm container rather than reacting.

Key aspects of the "Hot Potato" concept:
The Mechanism: Teenagers, overwhelmed by their own feelings, unconsciously pass their stress to parents, often leaving the parent feeling "burned" by the emotion while the teen becomes detached.
Purpose: It is a, often unconscious, way for teens to get help with difficult emotions they cannot manage on their own.
Parental Response: Instead of getting angry, Dr. Damour suggests recognizing this behavior as typical development and allowing the teen to vent, while staying calm to help them process the emotion.
Context: This concept is a staple of Dr. Damour's advice on adolescent emotional regulation, often discussed in her books like Untangled and her podcast Ask Lisa.

But the fact is there is next to no MH provision now so parents are being left to manage quite severe conditions, which then get even worse.

I also think the problem with these long emotional conversations is that they can leave the recipient drained and without the bandwidth for other parts of the relationship. These other parts are equally important.

There was a really sad thread from an OP who had been doing so much emotional caretaking for her adult child that she was burnt out. The adult child said that they didn't feel like their mother enjoyed their company but it's obvious why this happened.

As parents you have to be there for your children but it's going to ruin the relationship if you get yourself into an unsustainable situation with managing their emotions. Normal relationship activities like chatting about stuff and enjoying activities together are also a part of coping and getting through bad times.

to put it simply, think of their issues and emotions as ‘hot potato’ - they need someone to hold it for them it’s too hot. So you hold it but don’t absorb it. She talks about strategies to help them work out what to do with the hot potato when you give it back.
it’s helped me so much!
she also talks about when you should be worried x

I like that idea.

This is really helpful- what type of therapy gave you these tools @Perimenoanti? Was it CBT?

CBT is seen as the gold standard for OCD.

Perhaps, but there would be more of the limited resources to go around (and by used by people that actually need it) if we stopped trying to make every emotion a medical issue.

Nervous does not always equal anxiety.
Sad does not always equal depression.
Tired isn't always burnout.

Perhaps if we started by re teaching our children the correct terminology for their feelings (rather than the medical terms used way further down the line) they would be allowed to build up the resilience required to get through life without needing their parents as an emotional crutch.

Lots of good points on this thread. I have been through a very difficult period with my DS. Two books that really helped me were Never Let Go and How To Talk So That Teens Will Listen. Both focus on empowering the child so that you as the parent are not trying to come up with all the answers. And resourcing yourself so you don’t burn out.

i also found it really helped to talk to people IRL so it didn’t feel like some awful secret.

Nervous , sad and tired get you nothing( you wouldn’t even get near an CAMHs wait list for that)even an attempt on your life gets you very little.

It’s a myth that children who don’t need help are hoovering up services others need. Kids are being left with nothing across the board and then when conditions get severe it’s a battle to get the help that is needed.

The whole sector is woefully under funded and has been for some time.

Talking about anything important before bedtime is the worst possible time because it's the time when people are tired and tend to be negative about everything and unwilling/unable to see any positivity.
Agree in advance on another more suitable time for a chat and stick to it.

Look up CBT techniques, learn how to challenge their negative thoughts and hopefully with time it will start to make a difference. It is very draining to be dragged down into negativity all the time, for everyone involved.

Another important thing is to get them physically active as much as possible. Spending time in nature also works wonders for your mood.

Good luck!

I know just where you are coming from OP (and others), this has been my life for coming up to 6 years.

Even though DD is getting much much better (through therapy) I still get this sometimes, especially when I have been away for a few days, which happens regularly due to elderly parents.

You need something for yourself - i joined a choir, it really helps me.

This has also been my experience, my DS was hospitalised for suicidal ideation and all we were offered was to go on a six month waiting list for six sessions of counselling. You have to be very unwell indeed to get on the CAHMS waiting list.

I’ve felt like this sometimes. It’s hard. One of my children in particular has delicate mental health and usually won’t discuss it but sometimes will suddenly open up, so on those occasions I feel I must seize the opportunity to talk. Difficult when that means we end up talking till 2am and I still have to be up at 6 for work and to get my youngest ready for school.

Also, to my shame, I sometimes have a feeling of “what about me? No one listened to me when I was a child/young!” But I suppose that’s the point. No one did listen, and it’s taken me most of my adult life to get to grips with my own issues. I don’t want my kids to have that experience.

I absolutely agree with this. Having come back to teaching after a loooong break I am very concerned at the quantity of ‘mental health stuff’ thrust at the children based on some very shoddy research (or none at all) and with almost zero professional back up.
Children are now brilliant at recognising and naming feelings (which is good), but are given very little input on dealing with them, let alone being told that not all feelings need to be validated, and a good night’s sleep might just do the trick.
And then parents, usually mothers, are left to pick up the pieces. As can be seen on this thread.

It does feel a bit like social contagion all this talk in schools about emotions. It's made my older DC quite anxious at times and so far I've tried to tell them not to worry too much about analysing your emotions but doing things that make you feel better. I hope this doesn't get worse as they get older.

My point exactly , nervous, sad and tired shouldn't get you anywhere. They are perfectly manageable emotions that everyone on the planet will feel at some point.
They don't need medical intervention however when we teach our children that instead of being nervous/sad/tired they are anxious/depressed/burnt out it escalates the situation.
I understand the sector is underfunded - shouldn't that be even more of a reason to want to keep ourselves and our children as resilient as possible? If we get to a point that the majority of the population 'needs' the help of mental health services no amount of funding will make that possible.

Honestly I don’t think this is a great or healthy dynamic. You are creating an over reliance for them on you. I was doing this with my older DD until I felt completely burnt out and instead we got an excellent therapist. After a few sessions, where he was much more boundaried than I was being, he had her back on track, she has popped back into him as life gets on top of her once in a while but now I’m more of her mother than a really crappy therapist with her.

It is very draining and difficult and the weight of responsibility feels scary. I have tried to find a balance between being there for my DD who has struggled a great deal with anxiety and OCD and making her deal with things a bit more herself. She has also had therapy weekly for several years. When she asks for reassurance I will ask her a question back to try and get her to reassure herself. When she is panicking with intrusive thoughts I remind her how she has told me she feels is best to deal with them herself. Sometimes I just bear hug her for a while without saying anything and this calms her down. Sometimes distraction, we often watch comedy shows together and this can lift her mood. Luckily she accepts when she is overtired and understands when I tell her we can talk about the problems the next day. I don’t think anything is achieved by talking too long at bedtime when I can tell half her worries are exacerbated by lack of sleep at that moment. Instead we put on a relaxing hypnotic recording I have that is meant to help you get to sleep and just lie there try to and meditate. It can take a while for the compulsions to die down but it does seem to help and she asks for it now herself. Am not saying things are easy but along with Sertraline and a bit of maturity, things are slowly improving. I completely get how hard it is. I had therapy myself too during the worst point as I needed it to keep myself strong and balanced.

I have a 23 nearly 24 year old and this is still an issue - except he doesn't talk to me until it's too late (after a self harm episode for example). So I would gladly trade a few long conversations for the ever-present concern I mostly feel.

They are talking to you OP which is good, and as another poster suggested if you can also encourage them to find ways to relieve the stress themselves then that would help them.

My DS can be quite young for his age at times, so will often revert to playing with Lego or cars etc as an escape from his thoughts.

He will spend the afternoon playing with his cars, then go off to his Nightshift and his work responsibilities - it's like living with two different people!

You really are dismissing the realities of MH struggles many families are dealing with.

Sad, tired and anxious is not it or even close. Parents try all that, over and again. Many of these kids are hugely resilient and dragging around huge struggles on a daily basis with next to no help. Treatable conditions then become very hard to treat conditions.

OCD can get more entrenched and harder to treat with time.

Completely. DD1 (20) is very unwell. She's lucky enough to be under the learning disability service so she sees a psychiatrist regularly to adjust her medication, a psychologist weekly, and a nurse regularly too. She's just being taken on by the Intensive Support team. The social worker emailed to suggest direct payments so that I can get a break but I'm struggling to think of anyone who would cope with her.

DD2 has been unwell for years. DD3 also has significant needs.

The reality is that even under CAMHS DD2 was only seen once every 4 months (now aged out) and DD3 is still under CAMHS and hasn't been seen for ages.