To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

[DIYdiv]

Feel so guilty saying that.

DD has OCD and anxiety and more recently DS (younger) has said on a few occasions that he feels a bit rubbish - I think he means a bit down - but doesn’t know why.

The thing is they NEVER speak to DH about this stuff. It’s always me. Mainly because DH is crap at those sorts of conversations - but that makes me angry as it feels like weaponised incompetence. I don’t have the choice to be crap at it and if I am, that’s just tough as the buck stops with me. I really don’t think DH spends 75% of his time googling MH issues/therapists/coping strategies like I do.

And of course I want them to share their problems with me but, bloody hell, It can be draining. I dread bedtimes sometimes as I know one of them will need my amateur counselling for something - I can be talking to them for hours at a time. And just when I’ve got one of them over an issue or crisis, I’ll get that knock on the bedroom door and see one of their sad faces and know I’m in for a good hour of talking them down from something.

I love them to bits and they’re both amazing kids but I feel like I spend my life on eggshells waiting for one of them to say they’re feeling sad/anxious/worried about something. A sign of the times for young people, I think, sadly.

Can anyone relate?

To that I’d just say “yeah that’s one way to look a it I guess, we’ve all just got to make sure we enjoy the journey and live the best life we can in the meantime”.
Then move on. No big drama. They need to learn that over analysing everything is not helpful in the long run.

This may be counterintuitive, but have you tried not having to say the right thing to talk them down? Obviously its needed if its a major crisis, but I wonder if you put yourself under unnecessary pressure by wanting to have all the answers. They just need their mum, maybe a bit of closeness and someone who listens and understands. We tend to feel we need to problem solve to make someone feel better, but most people just want to be seen and heard.

Have you tried having more coaching conversations than solution providing conversations? Coaching conversations involve you asking lots of open ended questions and having them work out their own way forward. Google coaching conversations.

I can TOTALLY relate. I have 4 dc.

1. is now 24yo but since the age of 13 has struggled with self harm, suicide attempt, depression, drug use (now stopped), alcohol issues, diagnosed Tourette’s and possible ADD. Currently doing a masters and training for a half iron man but MH and alcohol use is fragile….

2. DD 22yo - horrendous self harm, anorexia/bulimia, suicide attempt, adhd diagnosed at 17yo, extremely risky behaviour, persistent drug and alcohol use, controlling relationship. Holding down a job but still drinks to excess and smokes weed daily (unable to take adhd meds due to chaotic lifestyle so self medicates)

3. 18yo DT - severe social anxiety on Sertraline , panic attacks, crap school attendance, lack of friends in secondary but much more sociable now

4. 18yo DT - social anxiety on Sertraline, extremely poor self esteem, major friendship issues and is also using alcohol inappropriately but I’m much more ‘on it’ with her.

I had to start taking sertraline when DD1 was 17 as she was going so far off the rails I actually thought I would lose her.

it has been an incredibly difficult 11/12 yrs I have so many knotted muscles caused by stress! They’re ok-ish now (except DD1 Who I am convinced will drink herself into an early grave 🙁) but I’m staying on that Sertraline!!

I am actually quite normal. Successful nursing career, stable upbringing, NT, resilient (thank god!) and independent. I’ve no idea where I went wrong!!!! 🙈

I’m still sort of in this zone and mine are proper adults now. I have this feeling of being drained of my own resources and wonder whether at some point I’ll go into deficit.
Well actually I don’t really need to wonder because I’m pretty much there now, not only due to them of course.

@DIYdiv another who could have written your post.

Bedtime seems like the time of day young people feel like they can open up. My DC are 24, 21 and 18 and its a rare day when at least one of them doesn't needs to vent. Their mental health needs have varied from self harm and suicidal ideation from eldest to anxiety with the middle one and autistic/adhd meltdown with the youngest. It is exhausting at times. The eldest is much much better now and stable - we have a lovely easy relationship. The others have taken the baton though.

On the DH front- I was similar to you, but I sat DH down and asked him to share the load when DS1 was about 16. He is amazing on this front and we divide and conquer.

I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely Mum.

I agree with this. Resolution mode is not practical or enabling. I learned this the hard way. I protect my mental health by just being there and resisting the urge to solve problems. I used to go into full blown resolution mode but this make things worse.

There is so much ‘mental health’ stuff for all our dc nowadays. It’s so sad. From as young as 7yo up to 40! As mothers, we are the emotional punchbags, the ones they come to and trust. But my God, it’s sooo exhausting. I too can relate to the ptsd feelings when I get texts. I have had to give them all their own individual ring tones so I can prepare myself (in case it’s DD1!) 🙈

I could have written your post OP. Its exhauting, its draining. DH doesn't pay any attention to it which I resent as it means I get all the crisis, all the time. I'm bloody sick of it. For a long time, I thought that by DC sharing troubles, it meant I was helping to carry the load for them. But it didn't matter if I chatted and listened for 20 minutes, 60 minutes ar two hours. I wasn't helping.
I noticed that talking too much about it seemed to 'feed' the woes. I have started to say this a problem for tomorrow. Very often the problem is not brought up again (although it is replaced by another) but it means I can cut them off without spending endless hours that don't achieve much anyway.

My eldest has had mental health problems since she was about 6. Shes nearly 14 now.

The saying about putting your oxygen mask on before helping others is really true. Ive tried various things over the years so here are some of my thoughts, suggestions.

Your child saying bedtime is when their mind is loud could be because for children its really the only time when they are still and quiet enough for their brain to be loud. So maybe try and create a still quiet time for them during the day to recreate this, the other thing is that if a child is in bed, and something tricky comes up, they can close their eyes. Its always easier to talk about something if youre in darkness and can close your eyes. Personally we've had great succes recreating this environment by going for a drive, they are still, not busy, their mind can be loud, they dont have to look at you, you can give them a blanket. Obviously you can only do one child at a time. I found it works best if we're doing a boring errand.

Children have a very limited way of explaining what it is they are actually feeling. There are some big emotions category and often they will think they are feeling sad for example, so you give advice for the emotion they name, but it could be the wrong emotion.

Model behaviour and strategies for them. Children don't often like being told what to do or to try something to help them feel better. But by naming your own feelings and your own strategies it actually helps them. For example I was feeling anxious the other night and for me, wobbling on a balance board with music really helps. My eldest came in to the kitchen and asked what I was doing so I explained how I was feeling, what helps me. Obviously in appropriate ways. It also gently shifts them into thinking about them finding out what works for them and taking a bit of ownership over their feelings and responses.

We talk a lot about the sensation in her body when she has a strong feeling, where is it, in their chest/belly is it fast, slow. Bodily sensations act as the body's first alarm system and getting them to listen to their body at the first signs means they can hopefully learn to catch it before the cycle spirals.

I have suffered with mental health issues from the age of 8, and the last 2 years ive learnt some great things, I can take photos of some of the resources ive found especially helpful for me and my daughter if you'd like.

It does get very draining and frustrating, but right now you have to meet them where they are at, even when the answer seems simple to you. Do you know anyone else who has children with MH difficulties as ive found that other parents in the same situation have been a great support. Just knowing you aren't alone and that other people are struggling with their children with mental health issues did help me.

Dont feel guilty, you're only human. Let me know if youd like those resources or anything, youre doing great!

I still "tuck in" my 17 year old DD each night at bedtime, which can take anywhere from 10 mins to an hour. On a good day she'll just want to tell me the highlights of her day and talk through what's going to happen tomorrow. On a bad day, she'll suddenly be overwhelmed with friendship/college work/university choices stress, and she needs me to listen, acknowledge the issues and tell her things will all work out.

She gets herself really upset sometimes, and my main focus becomes trying to calm her down enough to go to sleep, rather than dealing with the issues. I have tried approaching the problems in the day, but she seems far less bothered by them then, so I suspect a lot of it just feels extra overwhelming at bedtime because she's tired.

DH is renowned in our house for giving crap advice, so our DDs come to me, rather than him. He's very good at supporting me with it all though, and listens and talks it all through with me afterwards, which I find really helps me. He's also really appreciative that I do it, cos he knows it's not his forte!

I'm awake at the moment because 18 year old DD1 has just called me from her uni halls after having her first ever panic attack this evening. It's something I'm unfortunately very familiar with, so felt confident advising and empathising with her.

I never expected that I would still be doing a tuck in service for my 17 (and 18 year old when she's home) year old DD, but I'm glad they talk to me. There are times when I can feel myself getting frustrated with the same issues coming up repeatedly, and no action being taken to address them. I have to remind myself that I am known for having a whinge about something but not wanting anyone to try and fix it, I just need to have a moan about it in order to process it and move on.

Yes can totally relate, my 16 year old daughter has been like this since primary school with the evening talks and it always being me.

She has anxiety and self harms. I can't see a future where ill not worry daily and it's really hard, definitely takes its toll on you.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some support x

I think you need to work on helping them build some coping strategies of their own. Too much " come and let me absorb all your worries" isn't really teaching them how to manage it.

Get them a journal, encourage good habits like plenty of exercise, reading before bed, no screens etc. Challenge them to consider what they can do to help themselves.

Mine are 21 and 26 and I too am the go to parent. It's doenst end....

Not necessarily.

one of my dc had quite serious MH problems as a teen. Depending on what the MH issue is the response may have no impact - response won’t impact a psychotic break or dissociation for example.

Same here! I do all parenting. ExDP (even when we were together) only did fun stuff with them, and not much of that to be honest. They’re young adults now and I’m still the one to help solve any problem. I even emailed him recently asking him to advise DC2 because tbey weren’t l listening to me. He wrote back saying he didn’t understand. I’.m sure he did understand but he didn’t want to get involved because it is too much like hard work.

I can totally relate. My children are ND and all have and still struggle with serious MH problems.

I would say try to get some peer support if you can. We have a charity I use that has been life changing. A couple of things I’ve learnt is to validate and show that you care but not to get pulled in. Only they can get themselves well. Also it’s ok to set boundaries eg to say we can chat but I need my sleep too so will need to put some tins limits in place.

With OCD I found the constant going over worries with me was almost me enabling it iykwim. One of my dc is making good progress with OCD by having therapy and high levels of Sertraline alongside. I think that’s the gold standard but we are having to go private.

Also I carry a lot of the load too. I think this is common. Try not to let it come between you as a united front is better. I didn’t realise but my dh was carrying other loads.

I don't recall ever really talking with my parents about my feelings. I grew up in the 90's and for most of us, our parents provided a home/food/transport but otherwise we relied on our friends to talk about our feelings, or just didn't talk about them at all! I think if I'd gone to my Mum at 16 saying I was feeling anxious, she'd have said 'well its part of life, you just need to get on with it.'

The world has changed dramatically. I'm not saying my Mum did it 'right' but I think there needs to be a balance between listening/providing advice and then just letting your child sort it out themselves. If you're always there to listen and save the day, then how does a child ever build resilience or their own problem solving skills?

A controversial POV no doubt..

We don’t know the cause or severity re the op’s children. I grew up up in the 80s and managed MH difficulties alone. I tried the same approach as you suggest with my dc but things got worse- a lot worse. They are young people growing up in a 2026 world not a 1980/90s world.

I think that you need to have your limits here OP. It's not ok for you to just be the family's emotional dustbin. These young people need to at least try to learn some coping strategies that they can do by themselves and if that's not possible then they need professional input.

Like a PP, we use

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat
If everyone hates you, sleep
If you hate yourself, shower
And if everyone hates everyone, go outside

OCD doesn’t respond to that, it’s debilitating.

Edited as I meant to quote @mumsickles

Has she experienced someone she loved dying? Because I have and its obviously very hard but what you ultimately realise is no-one really dies. They are physically not there any more but their influence lives on in everyone they knew who cared for them. And science tells us that though they're physical form is not there any more all ther atoms still exist and they just move along and become part of new things within our wonderful world.

The most important things in life are to love your friends and to take care of our planet as we are all actually a part of the plant, not seperate entities and entirely interconected.