The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

They both sound as mad as a box of frogs. How did they meet in the first place given they are so far apart geographically and in age?

Thats right. He chose to cheat. He chose to leave her. He chose to end things. He chose his girlfriend. She isnt the other woman. She is THE woman.

and OP comes across clingy and obsessive. She still has a clear mindset that thos woman He chose over her is somehow an outsider in this scenario. The other woman comment implies an affair. Its a relationship

Hopefully OP finds peace and learns to adapt to her new reality

@Goodadvice1980 His ego will self combust when he realises what he’s thrown away - his own family!

It sounds like you're projecting. Men dating multiple women has nothing to do with ego. It's a desire for variety and more sex, nothing else.

I think you’re reading a different thread from the rest of us. The OP is the one divorcing him not the other way around.

Are you the other woman yourself?

She doesn't come across as clingy or obsessive at all. I think you must be projecting.

Yes. She's divorcing him yet referring to him as of they're still together and his actual partner is the other woman ...

I'm not particularly interested in middle aged men with crazy ex wives so no lol

Indeed.

Very strange interpretation of the situation. Quite telling, in fact.

She is writing a post about mumsnet about a relationship that's got nothing to do with her and stalking her exs new womans social media. The level of detail about his relationship confirms the weird obsession. That's not normal behaviour

There's nothing "telling" about having a solid grip on reality. Something mature woman seem to lose as they age

No, she's not his "actual partner". She's not living with him, she's just a much younger woman he had a fling with, sure, his current piece, apparently, who lives 5 hours away, but not someone he actually married, and had a 20 year relationship and a child with, and he's clearly not that serious about her. Oh dear. Unfortunately for him, his wife is divorcing him because of his idiot behaviour with this girl and now he can't cope because he no longer has the upper hand and the girlfriend's getting insecure because it turns out she doesn't either. Not so fun when there are consequences, eh?

So no, get a fucking grip. Wives who get treated like shite because a stupid bloke wants to shag younger women are still the wives in law until any divorce happens. And his wife no longer wants him. Clearly not interested in having him back, and why would you? Meanwhile, the girl he's been shagging is making an idiot of herself because now he's hankering after the wife he cheated on, and his girlfriend sees she can't trust him either.

Reap what you sow, I'm afraid.

She's really not. Her behaviour's pretty normal for a woman who's been cheated on.

I think you need higher standards. Are you shagging a married man too?

Oh, sorry, are you the husband or the silly prat he had the fling with?

Lol. What a sad and pathetic post.

So entirely about ego, then.

What a pathetic sad sack he is.

You're well rid of people like this, OP. As well as their loser MRA apologists on here.

Hopefully the "silly prat" finds someone who deserves her

Yeah, if she grows up and stops shagging married men. And if married men stop behaving like immature arseholes.

As I said, very well rid of this waste of space, OP. Hopefully, when the time is right, YOU will find someone who deserves you. Until then, build the life you want.

If you sit back and watch, you'll see the hilarity in it

He's a predator - he's left his wife and children for a woman half his age - closer to his childrens' ages - obviously for sex

And so is she a predator too - tracking your ex, manipulating him, and running him around

The best thing for your future self is to block the both of them since the children can contact him for visits independently

I would definitely push forward with the cease and desist and make sure you take a screenshot or save the recording from the ring for court. Definitely wants to eat his cake and fuck the baker. These twatty men ruin years long relationships/marriages for a bit of fanny and we pick up the pieces. I hope they leave you alone and your children are okay too 💐

@hihelenhi So entirely about ego, then.

I don't think you know what "ego" refers to. Variety and a desire for more sex have nothing to do with ego.

Women enjoy the ego boost from receiving lots of attention. Men only care about the sex, that's all.

Sorry to hear all that you are going through and I may sound paranoid and I must admit I do spent quite a bit of time on the unhinged side of watching documentaries of the consequences of people who cannot hear / understand / accept the word ‘no’. I therefore will just caution to not entertain any petty retaliations (though sorely tempting and 100% justified at this point). You just never know how far some humans are willing to push to get what they want by any means and this already sounding insane with pushing boundaries. Sometimes it’s just better to choose your peace. So wholly agree with that cease and desist and anything else you can document as harassment and keep staying as far away from any involvement with these two, as possible.

Wishing you all the best!

Crikey that update is a bit creepy op. Your ex standing outside the house ringing you from a burner phone.

Just file for divorce and stop playing stupid games with him. He had an affair is living with her so just stop giving him control over you. your kids are watching how your being treated stop it before they lose respect for you too

Id start keeping a record op inc your door camera evidence. If he keeps creeping like this you may want to gather evidence for a restraining order down the road

She probably also hates you because you don't want him back. What kind of victory is that for her?! You are doing great and I hope he buggers off soon and stops hassling you.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds as though you are handling it brilliantly but it must be so awful.

The other woman who hates you - my guess would be that your DH had to justify his behaviour in the early days so that she would take his side and think he was the victim and that his and her behaviour was just fine, and so he said untrue things which got under her skin. So this is not about you at all. And now she feels insecure and she is taking it all out on you. This all sounds pretty typical to me. I have heard of other women start reporting the wife to schools and social services for zero reason, causing havoc. Luckily sounds like your teens are too old for that to be a risk.

I would find your DH's behaviour really worrying, turning up at 10.30pm and getting bothered about whether or not you are dating, so be careful there.

I would find her behaviour really worrying as tracking a phone is a huge red flag.

I hope he can finish with her but accept that it is over with you and the best thing he can hope for is being able to get on ok and be civil. Can you ask his family to step in more and keep him away from you for the timebeing?

I think for your dc's sake, if you can get to a point, in the future, where you are both civil to each other that would be best - they might be teens but parents are still so important right up into twenties, to do with major life events, like university or them getting engaged or whatever. But it sounds like the drama needs to work its way through between your ex and the other woman first.

I do thanks.

It's ego. And male twattery. Not something to be proud of. Again, pathetic. Give it up.