The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

My parents had this sort of situation when I was a teenager. He had an affair, moved out, but 'flip-flopped' for maybe five years or so. He came round for tea nearly every night, then left and stayed god knows where with god knows who. My DM was waiting for him to come to his senses, because she believed the marriage and family unit of twenty years would eventually win out.

I hated it. I was so jealous of friends whose parents just separated normally, and hated this ongoing madness. I use to pray that she would just tell him to leave once and for all, and we could all move on. Please do that for your kids if you can.

Incidentally, he did eventually move to be with the OW, and none of us have heard from him for over 20 years now - his choice.

I agree with @LochSunart Don’t respond directly to her but consider the behaviour you’ve mentioned as harassment and document it and report it rather than attempting to tackle it direct @Ponymum1

As it turns out they are both receiving punishment for their behaviour in the form of each other. In terms of revenge there is nothing for you to do but look forward to your future. Your indifference will be so much more effective than any hatred for them would have been.

He sounds an inadequate coward who is now going to spend his days getting his arsed kicked by everyone he knows, for being such a weak little fucker. She sounds immature, insecure, full of anger with herself for falling for a cliche and full of anger with him for being such a sad booby prize. It’s so much easier to bundle all this up and direct it at you than acknowledge she’s fucked her own life up.

Very kindly it’s time for you to move on from this relationship and create a new relationship with different boundaries that prioritises your children.

You deserve better x

Personally, I'd quietly film him standing outside your house begging you to take him back. Get a few of these then send them to her.

And divorce him asap

You sound incredibly strong.

It was very light hearted, not sure if you know what a 😂 means?
and cause stress and trouble? Personally I think the ex partner & girlfriend have caused plenty of that? But oh well OP of course would not want to reflect there dysfunction back to them… that would be unthinkable, God forbid anyone ever has to face the consequences of their awful behaviour, just in case said behaviour escalates 🥱 *clutches non existent pearls

If you’re divorcing, barely communicate then why are you giving him so much thought?
Limit all contact, he can only flip flop if he thinks there’s an in with you.
Tbh it doesn’t sound like you’re overly firm at the concept of not taking him back, stop living in the past and put this waster behind you.

I dated a man after my divorce. My friends told me how lovely he was. Divorced and military man. Told me his ex wife was jealous of him even though she had an affair and divorced him and was engaged (all verified and I knew her) . My car was smashed up and new man protected us and installed cctv. She turned up at my house unhinged. So did his daughters. Everything hit his narrative - friends at church said he’s telling the truth. Then I was sent a recording of him and ex wife talking recorded and sent by ex wife in which he was telling her how much he loved her and wanted her back. I demanded to see his phone - thousands of texts saying they loved each other. Met her she said she was getting evidence to help me and didn’t mean any of it and she was engaged to new guy. Found out they had been together on and off with a sexual relationship since they were both 14. The whole marriage, divorce - oh my god it was all a farce. I dumped him and she wanted to be my best friend and kept turning up - absolutely nuts the whole lot of them. Ended up warning letters to both of them to leave me alone and one of them got a warning for harassment. It was so toxic and they couldn’t let each other go, horrific.

The someone your husband chose to have an affair with doesn't deserve this much space in your mind. You'll never know why she said or did anything. She doesn't know you and you don't want to have anything to do with either of them so black them both. Set up a strictly parenting only line of communication with him as bare essentials but nothing more.

This is exactly it. Mem who have affairs are the epitome of cake and eat it too, as they keepna foot in both doors. My own father had affairs and when my mum kicked him out he was back at the door crying and begging, and his affair partner was keen to try and poison us against our mum when we visited (unfortunately I was 7 and my sister 5 at the time). He's had at least one affair while with her too, and I've not spoken to her for 15 years as I realised as an adult I needn't have her in my life! My sister had stopped speaking to her a few years prior.

Your exs gf is mean bevause she's paranoid, deep down she knows relationships beginning like that have less stability. Your DH is flip flopping because he wants a foot in each door, I'm glad you closed it on his your end!

Not been through it myself but have with a close family member who - though would never consciously admit it to himself or his ex wife - was essentially holding on for his ex-wife to parent him and his new partner in their seemingly adolsecent and dysfunctional relationship.

You need to protect yourself and your kids from this turbulence, intrusion and flip-flopping. You set clear boundaries for youself and your kids, you build your new life just as your kids are building theirs, you do not let other people's narcissistic dramas impinge on this, even if one of those people is the father of your children. It's an endless misery of a drama cyle and the very best you can do for yourself and, by extension, for you kids, is to not entertain the chat from your ex DH. This is not your bed, you haven't made it, you don't have to lie in it.

He's a very foolish man to leave a marriage of 20 years with two children for an immature, controlling woman who harrasses his ex wife.
You need to completely remove yourself from the drama. Tell her to stop contacting you, then do not reply at all. Depending on exactly what she has said/what has happened, you may want to consider reporting her to the police for harrassment. Do not even consider taking him back.

Why do you care she hates you? I would just tell her ypu are welcome to him and stop contacting me i am not a hobby

She knows he's a deceitful, lying , philandering git and is scared (with good cause) hes going to do the same thing to her. Shes going to be on eggshells for the whole of the relationship and she deserves all she gets. Distance yourself from him and her , just have minimal contact with him , get on with your own life and watch them drive each other mad.

Phuque the other woman.
And the broom she rode in on.

Don’t let the small stuff get you down, @Ponymum1 — you deserve far better than what you’re getting.

Isn’t high time you decided that you deserved better too?

Nobody deserves that witch more than that bastard who occasionally shares your bed.
Put a big bow around his neck real tight-like and hand him to her.
She won’t want him then.
This is HIS FAULT anyhow - he’s the cheater.
Cut that MF loose.

it’s time for your righteous anger to make an appearance.

Sending love from faraway, right to your Wonder Woman doorstep. ❤️

You are allowing him to flip flop. Cut yourself off from all this gossip and chatter.

Life is hard enough as it is, I just can't understand why you think flaming things anymore would help.
A mature person doesn't react like that, they moven. OP doesn't need to arrange for the teenagers to see him, now they are older anyway.
Peace of mind is important.

As said you won't be there to pick up the pieces or offer help if the girlfriend gets enraged and tries to fight back or do something horrible.

Enjoy her paranoia and his grovelling. Sad pair are made for one another.

Have respect for yourself and have nothing to do with him . Of course it will not end well

why on earth are you friends with her on face book !

why are you having conversations where what she says about you is allowed to come up ?

block both of them on everything and do not think or talk of them - build your new fantastic life

I doubt that. She is probably really angry that he's done this, and is worried about her grandchildren. She probably hopes they'll get back together and the family can be whole again (if my kids cheated on their partner, if they choose to marry when they grow up, I'd definitely be on their innocent spouse's side, even if I couldn't stop loving them). Agree it's not OP's problem though.
The kids might well not want to see him-I wouldn't want to see my dad if he abandoned the family (or my mum, if it was the other way round).

Can you get a non molestation order against him to keep away from your house? Then ring the police every time he shows up.

Again it was just lighthearted in response to the OP talking about her difficult experience.
A mature person would accept differing view/understand context without resorting to insults like “grow up”.
maybe something to think about?

She’s the one who tells me I deserve better and her son is stupid. She and my father in law have the same opinion. I’m lucky to have them in my corner

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

I'm sorry you’re going through such a rubbish situation.

The coming around and calling at all hours is harassment though, so I would seriously think about putting in a formal complaint and documenting all the times this is happening.