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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The other woman hates me.

254 replies

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 17:46

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 07/03/2026 07:55

Ponymum1 · 07/03/2026 07:43

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

It really would make more sense to work on your self respect and move on

Phoenix1Arisen · 07/03/2026 08:13

In your shoes, I think I'd be asking the Police to warn him off. Divorce in the offing or not, this whole tracking/turning up near midnight etc sounds creepy and first cousin to stalking.

There is a risk developing here. Good luck.

SemiSober · 07/03/2026 08:24

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 17:46

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

Just wanted to say that you are a saint!

Summerhut2025 · 07/03/2026 08:28

Ponymum1 · 07/03/2026 07:43

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

You need to do that. Send it from a fake account if you don’t want her to know it’s you. You could unblock his main phone number just to get some extra text message proof to send her as she’ll know that’s his number

mustreadmorebooks · 07/03/2026 08:49

I think her behaviour is probably down to insecurity due to his flip-flopping. Plus if he cheated on you with her she already knows he is capable of deception. What isn’t clear is why you are both putting up with it.

Do yourself a favour and make the decision for him. Don’t waste time listening to his self induced pity. Make it clear you aren’t taking him back, formalise arrangements around the children then send him off to anywhere away from you.

jeaux90 · 07/03/2026 09:25

God OP, he is being really creepy!! I would be concerned about this behaviour. But his instability is for him to fix.

You have the legal letter route of course but I would also either be making it clear it’s well and truly over OR deploy grey rock. Be as boring as possible.
The fact he keeps coming over is super concerning.

HelenHywater · 07/03/2026 09:58

Leave her out of it and report him to the police for stalking. See if you can get a non-mol order.

financialcareerstuff · 07/03/2026 10:14

Oh goodness. They are both in a terrible pickle. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but it may help to turn your feelings towards pity. You are the only one emerging from this better, stronger with your dignity attached. (Despite no doubt the pain).

The relationship they have is obviously a train wreck and they are both deeply flawed, dishonest, and insecure individuals. Pity them. Laugh. And work on rebuilding a great life, in which you are happy and free to be your full self…. Whether it’s shagging gorgeous people who are much better in bed than your husband, or repainting your house, or starting a new career, or just enjoying a house that isn’t cluttered up with a loser…. The world is your oyster, OP- don’t let these folk drag it down!

OnGoldenPond · 07/03/2026 11:06

Ponymum1 · 07/03/2026 07:43

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

No, don’t do that. Report him to the police for stalking and then go to court and get a non molestation order. You need to take this situation much more seriously. These people are seriously disturbed and you must avoid engaging with them in any way.

corblimeyguvnr · 07/03/2026 12:43

Ponymum1 · 07/03/2026 07:43

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

I suspect that you find some satisfaction that he is doing this - sniffing around you when he has someone new? Cut yourself off from it all. Remember the dog he is.

Jukeboxjulie69 · 07/03/2026 17:51

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 17:46

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

She is in her 20s so very immature. You can cut your husband off easily if the contact with the kids can be made without you. No need for him to visit at all. Stop hanging on to the scraps he offers and move on

Tekknonan · 07/03/2026 18:01

Summerhut2025 · 06/03/2026 18:42

I would like to play this one a little bit just for revenge! Let him think you may take him back but drop hints you’re dating someone (even if you’re not) watch him go crazy with jealously which will completely rile up the home wrecker, let it play for a bit then slap him with the divorce papers and sail off happily into the sunset. The kids will choose you and he will live a life time of regret.

Truly, don't do this. Don't get involved in their games and dramas. You don't want him back - cut him off (which I think you have done). You're being the adult in this situation, which is the right thing to do. Good luck! This is a horrible thing to happen, but you are in a position to walk away with dignity. Keep all further communications via your solicitor.

swingingbytheseat · 07/03/2026 18:09

He sounds emotionally immature and has attracted similar. Yes, grey rock is the language that hits hardest.

exaltedwombat · 07/03/2026 18:12

The poor man has been made bl love/lust/obsession, whatever you want to call it. Until that fades, there can be no sense in the situation.

exaltedwombat · 07/03/2026 18:13

‘Made mad by…’

Greenshed · 07/03/2026 18:18

Yes, why is he coming to your house at that time of night? Is he trying to frighten you? Control you? Or is he trying to gain the sympathy vote and hope you’ll let him in? Seek the advice of your solicitor and see if you can get an order in place that keeps him away from you and your home which if he breaches will result in legal proceedings against him. He sounds priceless. I think he probably realises what he has lost, feels trapped by the bit on the side and wants to come home, bless him. Tell him to jog off. He’s made his bed, and all that.

Cdu · 07/03/2026 18:26

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 17:46

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

He's got his cake, eaten it and took much of a good thing can make you sick. Her behaviour is like too much for him and he hankers after what he had before (he won't ever what he had before because he spoiled that (literally and figuratively).
You need to do what's right for you and your kids. Grey rock him.

See a solicitor and commence divorce proceedings.
His family might want to think he's having a breakdown or whatever but the reality is that he's been and continues to be a self centred arsehole. His GF has obvious benefits but sounds like she's too much and will be taking the fun out of their relationship.
Enjoy life and new opportunities that come your way. Educate your children about making kind choices in life and the downside of poor choices.

Nettie1964 · 07/03/2026 18:35

Why dont you send her the screenshot? Then all the grovelling texts he sends you. Then tell her the house is yours and you dont want him back. Then block her. What is she getting apart from a homeless ageing man? Remind her that if he can do it with her,he will do it to her. You are in your 40s if you want to meet someone new you will. Good luck

SnappyJadeJoker · 07/03/2026 18:43

She's not the other woman. She's his only woman. Your his ex. It's weird your so involved in his current relationship

He left you for her. He gas no real reason to communicate with you if you have teenage children.

Time to realise this and move on

Justaspy · 07/03/2026 18:43

Can't you have him or her whacked?

CopeNorth · 07/03/2026 18:43

Ponymum1 · 07/03/2026 07:43

Update. He came to my house last night at 23.30. Didn’t ring the doorbell but tried to ring me from his burner phone. I was asleep and only found that this morning on ring doorbell notification. I took my son’s phone who has tracking of his dad and suprise suprise! He left his main phone at his so his gf don’t clock in he was at mine. Part of me wants to unblock her to send her ring doorbell screenshot and tell her to have a good ramage through his other phone and put tracker on that one too🤣

Op you are worth so much more than this. Continue not to engage. Have the solicitor send the cease and desist letter. Turning up at your house late at night is harassment and a police matter - report it and he will stop. Do not indulge this creature. Good luck x

disturbia · 07/03/2026 18:52

Maybe throw a bucket of water over him next time you see him outside your house. But joking apart its time for your solicitor to send the cease and desist letter to him. How arrogant is he to think you might still want him when he is with a woman old enough to be his daughter!!!

greenteaandlimes · 07/03/2026 18:57

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 18:34

Oh yes it is. It’s my parents house I’m on the deed. He hasn’t put penny towards it

Show quote history

As your spouse, he owns half of your share of the house. Doesn’t matter if he’s not paid towards it.

Kizmet1 · 07/03/2026 18:58

Ponymum1 · 06/03/2026 17:46

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

I've seen this within my wider family (albeit with a smaller age gap) and in our case:

  1. The other woman "hated" the first wife (my cousin) because she'd been fed the usual crap men complain about and was too wound up the bloke to see that clearly he was just saying what she wanted to hear: "she was awful to me, nothing like you, she was mean, she was x, y, z"

  2. The paranoia is completely rational! Once a cheat always a cheat. She knows, all too well, the sort of man he is. If he can walk away from his family, he can walk away from her. Hence the suspicion and tracking etc.

  3. Weak mean always flip-flop. What they really want is to live in Bridgerton land and have a vaguely socially acceptable mistress so that they can have their cake and eat it. They don't have the courage to make a proper decision and live with it come what may.

OP I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but you can do so much with your life moving forward without him and I wish only the very best of things for you. Xx

LouiseK93 · 07/03/2026 19:15

Get a no contact induction or restraining order.