The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

She comes across as having zero self-esteem or respect and that is worrying especially if no one responsible is caring for any children in this messed up situation, the op could really benefit from therapy

I think what you say here is tosh. I think that the OP sounds like she has a really good understanding of the situation and is double checking with others to see if she has missed anything. It is awful to be in her position, dealing with hurt and volatile behaviour of other adults at the same time

This is all to do with his massive ego. He wants you both to fight over him. Take a massive step back.

Did you not read the post

Don't do that

Not the point, but I will never understand why a woman in her 20s would be interested in a middle aged man. Especially one who also has a middle aged wife and teenagers. It just isn't an attractive proposition.

Cut ties apart from your kids if they want to see him. He's made his choice and he can own it

She could get a ‘Mesher order’ to allow her to stay in the property and house the kids until they leave home/education/etc but it only delays the division of the share in the property. She could buy him out earlier on. But as her spouse, he owns half of her share of the property.

Read my post again. This time with understanding.

I understand perfectly fine. Your using your kids phone to track your ex then calling his girlfriend crazy for doing the same.

When I assume actually what they have is a life 360 app. Which lots of families eith kids use. I don't but millions of others do. Except your not invited to use it with them I assume. This alone tells me everything I need to know

Send the cease and desist letter and use the footage of him outside your home and the call logs. She’ll soon find out about his burner phone. There’s no way she’s not already suspicious about him having one. Cheaters 101. She’s a cheater herself so she knows all the tricks.

Why do you "need to know" anything? Who are you?You are massively overinvested in this situation for a complete stranger and being consistently unpleasant and unhelpful on this thread.

I dont think you understand the expression

Your husband has lost his marbles and you need to concentrate on getting the best financial settlement you can for yourself and your children. Don’t skimp on lawyers; it will pay in the end. Move quickly while he’s still guilty and ambivalent. Use a barrister rather than a solicitor for the financial mediation. It will be quicker and cheaper in the end.

Good point.

@Ponymum1 i votedyou being unreasonable . Due to the fact you are allowing his flip flopping as you call it.
He cheated he continues to dis respect you and your caught up in his new mess.
let him deal with his mess himself .
Block her and him on anything you can and leave the kids to it.
He will either be there for his kids (he won’t ) he won’t realise untill it’s too late .
Yes his new female is insecure I mean he had an affair . Yes you have alot of history she will
feel insecure about . However again you also need to realise this is now history . Like he is .

Focus on yourself and setting a new life . Leave him to his mess himself.

Are you her? You seem to be very defensive of the situation of her and his side. I have looked once to see if he actually left his phone at home when he rocked up here at midnight that’s all. Read it twice if you need to, that’s ok

There seem to be an awful lot of "cut and paste" versions of the exact same critical responses on this thread. Claiming that we "don't understand expressions" and that seem overly invested in blaming and accusing the OP and standing up for the girl that the OPs ex shagged about with and claiming she has "partnership" status. Just saying. Seems a bit "focused" and obsessively personal to me. Especially along with the stalky behaviour, burner phones, weird tracking and unlikely counter-claims OP is the one doing so. It kind of fits with what OP said originally that her ex's affair partner "has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me."

Seems like the cease and desist letters are indeed necessary. I'd stay well out of the drama this ridiculous pair are causing, OP, divorce the idiot, do not entertain any flip-flopping from him whatsoever, cut him out of your life completely and get the police involved if necessary if either of them continue to harass you.

I think Moonshine Sally was defending you here... But I agree. The poster she was responding to is very and quite nastily and personally overinvested here for someone who is supposed to be a random stranger on the internet.

I think you need to get your solicitor to send the cease and desist letters to them both and proceed with the divorce asap. It's not acceptable that he turns up late at night and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You could report him to the police if he keeps harassing you. It might be worth talking to your local domestic abuse unit about what's happening and also make sure you keep a diary/screenshots/cctv footage in case he carries on.

This! When I was in my 20s a middle aged man with kids and a wife was NOT somebody I would be interested in.

A sugar Daddy?

Next time his Mum starts filling you in on all the tawdry details, excitedly tell her all about your new boyfriend!! Your fabulous dates, epic new sex life etc!! It might all be nonsense but you know it will get back to them in no time!! I'm with everyone who says block the pair of them. Don't have any comms at all. He's lost you and his lovely family and he will soon realise that.

Because he will buy her things that she cant afford and her parents wont buy for her. Its prostitution by another name.

I had a friend who had many affairs with m/m when we were both in our 20s. They bought her things (but she already had a good job). She had had a highly dysfunctional childhood with a mother generally viewed as mentally ill. She felt no guilt at all about the affairs even when some of the guys got divorced. I tired early on of the updates and don’t see her now.