The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

Don't allow him to play you off each other. Your ex husband is creating a scenario where you and the other woman will hate each other all while he is getting an ego massage and dodging the consequences of his terrible decisions. He sounds like a complete prick - put him in the past and plan your next life adventure - study, travel, volunteer, pursue a new goal, start a business, date a woman, go to a festival - anything that will fill your tank, centre you within your own life and expand your world. Your ex is doing everything to have two women centre him in their lives, but seems not to have the substance to back it up - he is probably unworthy of both of you. Clearly he is feeling unhappy/incomplete in some way and does not have the emotional tool kit to deal with this in any sort of a constructive way - it's sort of sad he's self-sabotaged and will probably do it again, but also not your problem and he will never learn if you don't let him go. Reclaim main character status in your own life - you are worthy💃

God, he's addicted to drama and the idea of having two women on the go. Well done for cutting off his supply. He's an absolute embarassment.

Let the OW have him. Don't engage with him, and if you feel at all threatened, call the police.

OP,
Please listen to those who have advised you to contact the police.
There is no reason on God's green earth he should be calling at your house at that time of night.
Go into your local cop shop tomorrow and report this. Show them the footage from your ring doorbell.
Then let them deal with it.

1000% - be free from this pig. Sometimes you need to let go of garbage to make space for the next wave of beautiful things coming your way. Your marriage maybe have been beautiful once, but now it is a dumpster fire - walk away, it's not even worth throwing more gasoline on it at this point

This is very good.

Why are you entertaining either of them? Block her, tell him very clearly that she must not contact you unless he dies or is seriously ill and unable to make the call himself (and only so you can tell the children).

Tell him you only want to hear from him if it is to discuss the children or the divorce.

Move on and live your life.

Consumed by Jealousy

Similar with the new partner. But I realised my ex allows it and likes her to look like the bad one. He was always manipulative and she can’t see it. She wants to be involved because of the dc but similar age to yours. They don’t need a step parent. She comes across controlling and slightly crazy tbh. Now I only communicate essentials through email. Life is more peaceful because of it. My advice would be block all contact from her and don’t check social media. They are as bad as each other by the sounds of things and it all sounds toxic. Move forward and enjoy the peace.

This. Yabu dont put up with his shit

I think it sounds like op has self repect - her husband has gone loopy

Er, she has. She's not the one feeding it. It appears HE is the one who hasn't let go. She is trying to get rid as he keeps harassing her.

So I really don't understand why you are attempting to put all the blame on the OP for this? She has done nothing wrong. I get the schadenfreude she may be feeling, it's completely natural, but it's her ex and his silly little affair partner (yes, of course, she's the "other woman", she chose to have an affair with a married man, the silly twat) who have been causing all the drama here.

I think you are misreading the situation.

Exactly. I don't see a lack of self respect at all here.

Of the other two people involved, yes. Perhaps it's one or both of the cheating, immature idiots who are posting. Very weird.

Who?

The affair partner and the ex husband at the thought the wife he cheated on may move on with her life so he doesn't have the upper hand after all? Yes, it looks that way. Ah well, they can reap what they sowed, pair of idiots.

The situation sounds mad op - he is the ine with the burner phone! What an about face

you sound strong to me - i dont sense your playing pick me - your just bemused and dont know how to deal wity such an odd situation

its sad your children are aware of the affair..i would say its quite difficult to be left with the angry parent and left to navigate the other parent they are angry with or who has let then down. Dont just keave it up to them to navigate, offer them support. It will pay for your relationship long term

She referred to his partner as the other woman. Her marriage ended. He is in a new relationship but she's still inferrung his relationship is an affair

If she is meeting with, chatting with or indulging interactions with her ex then she is the other woman

Hello. I’ve been in this situation before. He is feeding her false information and intentionally triangulating you with her. So then she feels like she can reach in and she’s only doing it to protect him. You don’t need to be her friend at all and you can tell her to go no contact. He’s doing this on purpose so that he can control you through her, by controlling your energy in your time.

No, the other woman isn't 'his partner'. She's just his new girlfriend. The one he chose to cheat on his wife with, and who fell for it, and now he's realising what he's missing, to no avail.

OP isn't interfering. Her immature soo to be ex-husband, the man she married and the father of her child (they are not yet divorced although she's instigating proceedings, like a mature adult) and the silly girl he chose to have an affair with are actively are choosing to insert themselves into his ex-wife's life, causing drama. They are a pair of immature prats . She isn't. She now has to deal with their behaviour.

Are you the bit on the side? Your attitude is really immature. Grow up. OP isn't chasing anyone.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. OW sounds very immature, not just because she's young, like she is jealous of what you had, or thinks she is 'supposed to' hate you, or wants to 'defeat' you somehow. Best thing is to rise above it all - grey rock, as people said. Don't give her anything to play with. I'm sure it's still upsetting and hurtful for you where other people may be involved, but you are the adult here so just stay your course, she'll only make herself look ridiculous.

Stop allowing him to flip flop!!! Find your anger and set boundaries. He made his bed, his can lie in it.
he disrespected your marriage and has no right to now um and ahh where he wants to be. Why on earth would you want this snake??!!

As for her, she’s young and impressionable and clearly very insecure. Just laugh at her.

Id tell her shes welcome to him, tha5 would soon take the pizaz out of it

He wants to have his cake and eat it, end of.

Whether you let him is up to you, but I did not when I was in a similar place and am glad.

As you said, your children are old enough for him to make contact arrangements directly with them, should they want this.

He also doesn't need a key to your house, or to bend your ear about his girlfriend's juvenile insecurities.

He's made his bed, I would recommend letting him lie in it.

Also, you don't need to be reading anything she has posted on the internet. Don't do that to yourself.

Not true, shes housing the kids

I don't think she needs to "work on her self-respect". Seems to me she has plenty.

Block him. You don't need to contact him - Your children can decide to keep him unblocked and continue contact, or they can also block him. If there is an emergency with the children, then go via his family to alert him.

You will never move on with your own life if you do not drop him and let it go. You deserve better. Do not make him your concern because it has potential for negatively impacting your children's lives. I know you have 20yrs of history, but only when you cut him off, practice boundaries, restraint, strong will and discipline will you then become accustomed to no longer having him in your life, overtime. A bit like going cold turkey.

He is living 5hrs away from an insecure 20 something. She is insecure because of the distance and because you have children and 20yrs on her. She sounds just as unhinged as he does. They will drag one another down akin to two drug addicts. All you need to do is sit back and watch/not watch. Block them both. Do not give them your energy or waste anymore of your life on them. He's ruined his life and will end up alone. You don't need to drown in his drama.

What a tail he has been.

One of my colleagues/amazing friend's left her for someone their daughters age (18). This destroyed my friend of course. Anyway, he married the lamb chop. All fine for a few year. But then he kept of course aging in a way of which did not complement him. And the lamb chop remained (even still) fresh meat. Didn't want to be with or sleep with the old man if you like. And she's left him. Now he's sniffing round his ex wife again!! (my dear friend). I'm telling you, men and the way they're wired in their undies is just bonkers to me. Very cliche. You will be just fine. ❤️