The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

As a genera rule in the UK if its an inherited asset and you get it before the marriage then it generally stays with the recipient unless there are extenuating circumstances. If it came to her after the marriage, he may have a claim.

I had a friend who flip-flopped between her fiance and another guy. She and I were living together at the time and had endless, endless conversations about it. She ended up marrying the fiance, then ten years later she did almost exactly the same thing with someone else.

The second time it really turned me off her, partly as she was moving back and forth between the two guys' homes - every time I saw her she'd moved. She was angry with me for being judgemental (as it was sooo upsetting for her) and I'm not sure the friendship ever really recovered. In the end she went back to her husband and they had a child. God only knows how he forgave her the second time, but as far as I know they're still together.

A few of my friends have been OWs, and my Dad has had 3 marriages since leaving my Mum. In my experience, the thing that OWs fear most (once the man has left his wife for them) is that he’ll go back to his ex. The shared history with the ex, the kids, the lifestyle, the social life, the comfortable routine - all of these things can draw the man back, and the OW worries about this, especially if the ex is calm and nice.

She sounds bat shit crazy and yes I told her she’s welcome to him and there’s no way back for him here. I also told her everything I chucked him out with bin bags and he comes and grovel all the time, I also said he called her red flag and nothing. He lost everything for “nothing” insisting that nothing is her.

Why did you let him keep coming back? I mean surely you knew this was going to inflame things?

Gosh how tiresome. I experienced this a few years ago when my ex started seeing someone a lot younger. We had been split up for five years and suddenly started getting very abusive texts from his phone clearly written by her.

it’s infuriating but she’ll give up if don’t bite

Oh I had her impersonating him from his phone too.

This makes me laugh! A friends partner was having an affair with her friend so she kicked him out. She didn't want to be alone on the Saturday night without her kid's the weekend after (he had the kids) so she came to mine for a walk & takeaway- he did not stop texting her all night! Where are you? Who are you with? I could not believe it!

My wife had an affair. After it ended, the OM harassed her (I supported her.) He was arrested. Not charged, partly because he made up a ridiculous counter-accusation.

She's harassing you. Keep a detailed diary and maybe consider informing the police.

Ignore all communication that isn't about the kids or finalising the divorce. Cut him off emotionally. He sounds selfish and immature. Let him live with his (obviously poor) choice.

The other thing I mean to mention is look up 'triangulation'. That's what he's doing to you by telling you the other woman hates you etc. He's making himself the centre of everything and trying to get you both to fight over him. He's pathetic.

I don't think you can expect anything else from him. Not excusing him but he dodnt have the maturity to consider that there was a problem in the marriage and fix it or end it. He just selfishly knobbed someone else. He's finding g the grass isn't greener and yet again waiting for someone else to make a decision for him.

He has shown no drive to actually plan and execute a happy personal life (yuck) so from past lessons I wouldn't expect him to do anything other than aimlessly bungle into the next problem of his own making.

I feel a sorry for your stress (and the kids) but somewhere between pity and amusement at just how pathetic he is. Now he has a new problem and you can largely check out of it by blocking her.

He has no reason to come round. If he does, tell him you'll be filming him and sending it to her so she can see the whole conversation for herself. Hopefully he will stop being so tiresome and whingey about his own life choices.

She's insecure. She knows that he's a cheating liar, now she's the one wondering where he is and what he's doing. They were probably attracted to the sneaking around, secrecy and lies. Once it stopped being an affair and became a relationship, it lost its appeal.

I sense he is seriously regretting his actions but tough shit.

She probably doesn't 'hate' you. She will have been fed a story about you, that your soon to be Ex used to wrangle his way into her pants. Try to remember that this person was probably in primary school when you and DH married, that's her level of life experience, 20 odd years. I don't know about everyone else but I cringe at some of the things I believed and did at that age.
Hopefully you will both be free of the philandering bastard very soon. You can move on and live a much happier life without such a disappointing specimen of the male sex and she can find someone her own age, who will want the same things and won't be an embarrassing plus one at any future events !

I know the most unmanly thing of all is him shitting on his family like that. Weak, selfish and stupid.

And yet even though that's the worst thing, there's something almost more unmanly and weak about the fact that the stupid bastard can't even stand by it, have any courage in his convictions of what he's done. Months on the pathetic tosser is still flip flopping like a fish on a line, doesn't know what he wants, faffing and wibbling and trying to keep a foot in each camp as if you all exist as NPCs to his self obsession. Weak, selfish, stupid and indecisive, although I realise you have taken the decision out of his hands, as well you should.

At any rate, you can see from space what the OW's problem is. He's still trying to get back with you so she's totally insecure as of course she should be. I can hear the car crash from here. I almost feel sorry for her. He's old enough to know what he's done, that's why he's panicking. She's going to waste her best years on this absolute plank.

With her. Block, delete and ignore. She does not need any of your energy and doesn’t have to have anything to do with you. End it in no uncertain terms. He only has communication or contact with you for the purposes of handover/about the children and does not need to spend any time in your home. Make an application to court to end things officially and to have a clear plan re. contact and remain firm with it and stick to it. He has made his bed, he can lie in it, but you need to assert the boundaries and that you will not be messed around and taken for a mug whenever it suits him.

Don't allow him to flip flop. You wouldn't actually take him back surely?! Come one love, the affair is one thing, the way he's allowed someone to treat you is another.

And obviously she hates you. Imagine the things he's had to tell her about you to justify his affair. It's your fault he's had to have an affair, he's the victim, she's saved him from you, she's just protecting him from your controlling and vindictive behaviour. You don't think he's been telling vher nice things about you while fucking her behind your back do you?

I don’t know the answers but you are absolutely amazing!

@Solost92 Plus now that she’s with him, there’s a vacancy for a new OW. Of course she’s paranoid, she’s with a cheater. 🤷

I think you're doing the right thing to block him (and her). If he's doing weird stuff like hanging around outside your house, I can see why she's so insecure. Cease and desist letters are the best thing IMO. The positive about the situation is that your children are old enough to make their own decisions about seeing him. Can't see his relationship with her lasting, and I would say it's only dragged on this long because he can't function as a single adult.

Why are you even entertaining any of this. DC are old enough to sort out direct contact, you are divorcing him and don’t want him. Block them all and pretend they don’t exist.

this isn’t your circus and he isn’t your monkey.

Do it she deserves to know what he’s doing! Let us know what she says/does 🤣

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping

well this all escalated very quickly from your op.

I was a child when my Dad used to flip-flop between his long term girlfriend and my mum, his wife. He used to promise the world, how great they would be when back together but as soon as his girlfriend pulled up outside, he’d be out the door and back with her. We soon learned that each time he came running home, asking for forgiveness and saying how sorry he was, was just because he’d had a massive falling out with his gf.

Your DH has treated you very very badly and has put this gf before his own children too. It’s hard to accept but he wants to be with her and no longer married to you as he wouldn’t have done this otherwise. She’s treating you so badly because he keeps running back to you when they fall-out or when he has a wobble. She’s immature with her reaction but he’s creating it.

You are no longer a family, he’s just the kids dad and should only have a relationship with them going forward. He certainly doesn’t deserve one with you. I’m sorry you wasted so many years on him.