The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

Her husband is the home wrecker though?

I think she’s just very young and naturally insecure. Lots of young women are jealous of their partner’s exes but it’s worse for her because he’s much older, been married and has kids. Not that I have much sympathy for her or anything but I can understand the psyche.

Look, their relationship isn’t going to last- that much is clear. I think he hoped he’d get away with it for longer tbh and was gutted you found out as quickly as you did. Now he’s actually with her properly and it isn’t a bit of egotistical fun for him (look at me, in my 40s dating this hot woman half my age sort of thing), it’s probably completely miserable. The obsessive phone tracking, posting about you on SM etc must be a bit embarrassing for him.

The whole thing is kind of cringe really for a man his age. As I say, I bet he found it all so exciting and thrilling until it got real. Shit will hit the fan, it won’t last and you will be the ultimate winner because he will be sad, middle aged and alone.

if he turns up outside the house phone the police.

So he comes and stands outside the house even though he knows you won't let him in? Well done on blocking and the legal letters Op, hopefully now he'll take his ego up North and leave you in peace

She hates you for a few reasons.

Firstly he will have told her a pack of lies at the start, to explain why he was unhappy in his marriage. He will have made you sound like an unpleasant person, and him a victim.

Secondly, he will be continuing to tell her lies about you, to explain his flip-flopping. He’ll have said you’re begging him to come home, emotionally blackmailing him etc, maybe even threatening suicide. The “unstable ex” is a common line.

Thirdly, in her opinion, you are the only thing coming between them and a happy life together. It’s your fault he hasn’t moved to be with her.

Basically, rather than admitting he’s not 100% sure he wants to be with her, he’s been blaming his uncertainty on you. So she hates you for that.

She’s also jealous, because you’re the mother of his children, which will give you a “status” in his life that she hasn’t (yet) achieved.

Yes my dad and I are on the deed my dad is still alive. He has (ex) no rights to the property unless I’m feeling generous and sell it which I won’t.

She's insecure, not very nice and jealous that you have a history. She's also played a part in ruining your marriage and your hubby/ex hubby is playing games with you. Try not to give her or him any more headspace beyond the children and hopefully once the divorce is through, you will be able to start moving on and healing. So sorry this has happened, bloody men, honestly.

I'm of the opinion that whether you choose to take him back or not isn't up to anybody but you. It wouldn't be wrong or right to either divorce him or forgive and move on. I have seen marriages restored in scenarios that seem from the outside to be unrepairable and simultaneously marriages implode for less, But marriages are very personal things. No one really knows what the nature of it is save the two people in it.

You say you do not want a reconciliation under any circumstances, but your OP reads a little contradictory. Two things: firstly, you say he is flip flopping. There would be no flip flop unless he felt there was still something of a landing place or refuge with you, whether that's mental or practical support and also that indefinable thing or energy that binds a couple...and it's entirely normal for you to feel emotionally still tied, it's twenty years and two children and that's a LOT of investment. It makes no sense to burn it down entirely, in the best scenario you want to remain friendly if possible. The issue is whether you want to be giving the impression that the door might still be open, albeit in a different form or just ever-so-slightly ajar...or be cohesive in your language that you are over with no way back. Right now I suspect you are imparting mixed signals. Those signals can be incredibly subtle and unique to you both.

The second thing is, I don't think the other woman is acting the way she is just because she's a bunny boiler. She's reacting to her instincts, which are telling her that she hasn't quite got the man. He's not all hers, and it should have been easy for him to be all hers and she's pissed. A lot of women assume that being younger is the penultimate trump card, but actually it's very hard to replace twenty years of intimacy, the connection of children, and deep partner knowledge, particularly where the wife hasn't necessarily majorly fucked up, but the guy has just had a mid-life crisis or is immature. This sounds like a case of limerence and after a few years your 40+ year old ex-husband will find himself regretting his choice, and missing the support of a woman who has supported him from his youth. I think things will be sad for him.

I think he's telling her inappropriate things about your family as a means of making her feel less insecure. What should you do about it? Depends on what you want. You can either switch off entirely, not even discussing him with his family, keeping info to a bare minimum - this would facilitate a total separation and make communication linear and cohesive. Stop the continuous hurt.

Or if you want him back be manipulative and play the game and start feeding false information to fk with her head. But do you want to do that? It's perfectly legitimate if you want.

To be honest it sounds half like you're winning without even trying. A lesser conscientious person would enjoy messing them both up and move on and watch the eventual crash and burn with satisfaction later. That's also a choice. I think you're definitely going to come out better here. She's crazy. Imagine living with that.

Your husband left you for a 20-something woman, and is now likely regretting his choices! I'm sure he likes a younger woman on his arm, but he misses the familiarity of family life with you and the home you created. He's facing battles with the OW, because essentially she's jealous of your relationship. He has a past with you, that doesn't involve her; you've known him longer than her and you know him better than her. She can't stand that. Due to the fact you were together 20 years, she's terrified, he'll change his mind, and she's desperately trying to hang on to him.

Your children are teenagers and can arrange to see their Dad themselves. The divorce can be solely handled via solicitors...yes more expensive, as you could speak to each other and resolve any issues, but that's clearly not possible. You don't need to contact him for any reason, other than anything urgent regarding your children, and he can be unblocked for that. If he keeps turning up at the house, make it very plain that you don't want him at the house.

That’s what my inner Bitch tells me 🤣 because i really don’t care about him anymore and i lost all respect I had for him. Part of me want to unblock her and send her all grovelling text he sends me from his burner phone as I blocked his number. Every time I get text from strange numbers and I know it’s him I block it.

Yes my ex did this, they lied about it for a while and from my side we were working through things but when it finally came to a head they were together I stopped and then she ramped up, I feel it was insecurity on her part also the fact he kept messaging saying how he had messed up and wanted to sort things out (he also said she went through his phone etc when they later broke up) - in my eyes everything was far too gone by then and a year later I actually ended up meeting my now partner and again things ramped up when we got together - she even started messaging my new partner when I was ignoring/ blocked her (by taking his number from the kids phones) they split a few times and ex would say how she was mental and stalked me on social media (my Pinterest etc too was so odd) they’ve inevitably ended up back together as he didn’t want to break our family for nothing but luckily we are no contact now so my life’s a bit easier although that’s not without it’s problems as he’s flakey and messaged get relayed wrong by tween kids!

Agreed. Don’t blame her, she’s young and naive and dealing with conflicting emotions about the huge amount of baggage her new bf comes with. She’s probably a twat, but we all were at that age.

The problem isn’t her, it’s him. Get that divorce through and focus your kids. If he regrets his choices? Tough shit. He’s an adult. He lives with the consequences of his actions.

His mum obviously wants you two to get back together. I always say this but the best revenge is to ignore him and his family and live your best life as a single woman. Glad you're not doing the "pick me dance".

Not the same but similar... I got divorced after 30 years of marriage. All was very amicable, I moved out and he stayed in our house. Then he met a new woman. I was very happy with my single life and pleased for him because I knew he wanted a partner. She moved in with him and it soon became clear she was very jealous of me - didn't want me to keep in contact with him any more, removed things I'd put in the house etc. The worst part was about 3 years later when I came across a post on Facebook with a photo of their wedding. All relatives (including our adult DC) had been sworn to secrecy because she didn't want me to know in advance. I've no idea what she thought I'd do. In reality, I'd have sent them my best wishes and a nice card. But finding out like that was a horrible shock. Although we do keep in touch via DC and occasional messages, I might never meet him again and will probably never meet her. Things could have been so different if she'd been more reasonable.

The standing outside your window and the burner phones….. harassment. I would log it all with the police. There is a possibility he could turn violent, even if he never was before.

So many idiot men in the world.

It does settle but only when you grey rock them both. Especially the husband. Narcissist prick.

And so fucking predictable, every single one......

It sounds like an utterly miserable situation he’s got himself into. Good.

personally I don’t think I’d give one tiny shit what this dreadful woman thought about me. And he needs disabusing of the notion that returning to “the family” is an option at his disposal.

I have walked in your shoes OP. Suffice to say OW bought a house 750 miles away and used my cancer diagnosis and the pandemic as an excuse to make sure our son didn’t see his father again. It’s been 7 years and we’ve never heard from him again. Not much of a “man”.

Of course she’s completely mentally unstable - she’s a 20 year old who had an affair with a married man twice her age. No young woman with healthy boundaries and understanding would ever do that.

so she’s mad so just ignore her forever.

I guess similar happened to me. Ex husband had an affair with a 20 yr old who used to send me mental messages. 5 years down the line and if I gave a shit about either of them I’d be laughing my tits off. He now looks about 100 years old, stressed as fuck trying to give this women the life she imagined when she had an affair with a rich man. I am gloriously happy single and he knows it. Gutted. 😂😈

I'm not absolving her of all blame, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is dicking her about and stoking her insecurities.

Record the liar and then send the clip to her
Then block them both.
Use an app for child related contact

He is an arse and you sound amazing, he will bitterly regret this for the rest of his life, and the OW will never be happy with him.

this . Her hatrid of you is not your problem and not something you should engage with. It’s only a matter of time until he realises how insane she is. By then you should ensure you have moved on and have no emotional engagement with him besides coparenting. I mean he is just as bad for allowing this to happen. Good riddance I say