The other woman hates me.

[Ponymum1]

Hi everyone. I’m posting anonymously because this is a very personal situation, but I’m really curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have two children together. We built a whole life as a family. I discovered his affair in May last year. At the time he was completely caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and didn’t want to fix things at all. He moved out in August.
He’s in his 40s she’s in her 20s.

The affair itself is painful enough, but what has been the hardest part for me is everything that happened after.

The woman he got involved with has inserted herself into things that should have remained completely private within our family. She has contacted me, insulted me, questioned personal things about my life, and even posted things online clearly aimed at me. Instead of protecting boundaries around our family and the mother of his children, he allowed it and often made excuses for her behaviour.
he has said she hates me. I’ve done nothing to her and to be honest I have all the reasons to hate her.

At one point I was also told that she wanted him to cut me off completely, delete my number and have nothing to do with me at all. Which I honestly found quite shocking considering we have children together and nearly 20 years of history. I suspect a lot of that comes from insecurity on her side, but it still feels completely unrealistic and inappropriate given that we are a family and always will be in some form because of the kids.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping.

Recently I also found out she tracks his location on his phone and reacts when he comes near my house. That was honestly the final moment where I lost the last bit of respect I had left. In nearly 20 years together we never tracked each other or monitored each other like that.

At this point I’ve stepped away from the whole situation. Our kids are teenagers now, so if they want to see him they can arrange that directly with him themselves. To be honest, they’re not very keen on it at the moment because they are old enough to understand what has been going on.

What I’m really curious about is whether anyone else has experienced this kind of situation where a partner keeps flip-flopping between the family and the new relationship while the other woman gets heavily involved in things that should be private.
his parents and brother are on my side and thinking he’s unstable. I do believe that too and we all encouraged him to get help.

Did it ever actually settle down or lead to a clear decision? Or did the chaos just keep going?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences because right now it feels like a very strange and exhausting situation.

ETA there’s no way I’m taking him back.
Also she lives up north and he’s down south. Takes him 5 hours to drive to her.

Of course she hates you! She knows that she "won" him only because you found out. She knows deep down that he didnt leave you to be with her, you chucked him out and it was be with her or no one. She probably also suspects that he would be back with you like a shot if you would have him.

ETA if you google the phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" you will find a photo of that pair!

Ooh no don’t bother. Just get on with your own life and be gloriously happy. For me it’s been a completely unintentional but best revenge.

Just stay out of it ,you honestly have no need to even engage with him .
Like you said your kids are teens and can facilitate their own contact with him and as for him he's made his bed let the fucker lie in it .
Move on head high and laugh at the shit show relationship he's involved himself in.
They sound like they deserve each other and have both done you a massive favour op .
I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to believe coming back was a option not would I want to be part of any family set up with him .

Yep! Looks like both of them have realised your quality, and that you would have made both their lives so much easier than an unstable twenty year-old OW...

Too late, suckers, too late! 😄

But I agree that you need to protect yourself against harassment and involve the police if you need to - don't let him spoil your peace of mind when he's the one who decided to check out the greeny-lookin' grass on the other side...

Agree with this
Also you are ,kindly, ...dwelling on her too much. Get on with your own life, you don't want to reconcile so don't give them.head space.

Please DO IT! 😂
it’s the least they deserve. Although it does sound like they are reaping what they have sown naturally. It won’t last, wishing you the happy and settled future you deserve op! X

And yes, you won't have to lift a finger to exact revenge - his own sad life will kick his arse for him in abundance...

Huh?

Yeh exactly. She’s clearly a “pick me” woman who is riddled with insecurities.

As hard as this situation is the only way out of chaos is stopping the back and forth then in that you find your self respect.
He isn't unstable he his having a midlife crisis pathetic that he is allowing a 20 yr old to call the shots at what point has he thought about his teenage kids .
Stop allowing him to do this shit ..get rid of him move on start a new life.

Use the app for child related contact, but make your solicitor aware regarding the obsessive, jealous and tracking behaviour. Keep examples of all of it and be watchful as to how the focus of her terrible behaviour could be passed onto your children during contact. I suspect the whole nasty situation will collapse soon, but in the meantime, be very watchful as to how it might affect your children.

He is not ‘unstable’ he is a shallow self-centred moron who decided a bit of 20-year-old fanny was worth more to him that his kid’s mental health and stable family life. He fired you from the job of caring about him. I don’t really understand why you are entertaining thoughts about his new relationship
or what his child-lover thinks of you. She is going to regret this in years to come but who cares? It’s all a pathetic drama and he is loving being the main character.

I understand this is traumatic and painful OP but you have to take control: stop talking to his family, block him and download a parenting app where you can schedule his access and kids stuff. Get some therapy. Then move on and centre yourself and your children in what comes next. He will never stop dragging this out because he is enjoying the attention and ‘woe is you’ he is getting from all sides. Just remove yourself and refocus your energy. Yes 20 years is a long time but it’s over, burn the bridge and move forward with your life.

I think it’s very rare in this situation that thr OW ever actually finds out that it was him who was kicked out. They’re liars after all. ‘Oh I want to be with you always darling, I couldn’t take it any more.’ Armed with the bin bags of clothes their ex wife threw out with them.

If OP had inherited the house, it would be a marital asset. It doesn't matter if ex is not on the deeds. I live in a house that I inherited from my parents (both deceased), only I am on the deeds but if me and DH divorced, it would be considered a joint asset.

The fact that her dad is still alive (and possibly living in the house?) does change things. I am not completely sure if it ring-fences the house, but possibly.

Edited for typos

I've not been in the situation. I wouldn't stand for it but I can see why OW is upset. She's young and being picked up and put down by someone who is old enough to know better, there's going to be a power imbalance there. You've been going along with his gameplay. Acting like he is some victim in all this and needs help. Talking to his family about it. Listening to him tell you negative things OW had said (he'll be doing it the other way round too) Comparing your relationship in that you never tracked him (didn't do you any good, he's clearly no respect for you either). He is choosing to play you off against each other and enjoying having a younger woman desperate for his commitment and his good old wife not realising he is the problem. He's an absolute pig.

Well done in already consulting a solicitor, it’s all about finances now just try though hard to not get embroiled let him enjoy his own circus. No fool like and old fool is there what a crashingly dull stereotype he is.

Protect your peace, OP. You don't need all this senseless drama. Keep him blocked, keep her blocked and find some fun things to do with your time.

Let the clowns play the circus!

OP - time for firm boundaries.

Get a crappy second phone and use it for communication about DC only. The fact that they are teenagers and can make up their own minds about seeing him means contact can be very limited. You can use it for any emergencies or DC related logistics. You don't need to talk to him about anything else.

If you see him hovering outside, shut curtains and ignore.

If his parents start offloading their concerns on you, tell them that he is not your problem - he left you and the DC, you don't have the headspace to worry about him - you are too busy trying to keep your own head above water.

Make him small and insignificant in your life. Literally visualise him getting smaller and smaller and disappearing into a crowd of people and stop engaging with his nonsense.

I'd give OW exactly what she wants! Block him, tell him not to come within a certain radius of your home, block her, tell the kids to communicate with him directly, tell him you will only communicate via solicitor from now on, and tell STBXMIL that you are doing all this so while you are really happy to talk to her about her life, your life and the kids lives, but no longer talking about him.

Why is she a home wrecker he left the family.
Also I wouldn't mess about playing games. It's dangerous if things get out of hand. Not to mention stressful.

I don't even see the problem here. OP has admitted she doesn't even need to contact him as her children are grown up.
Easy one with his mother too. Tell her you don't want to discuss him.
Move on.

Have you actually told Ms New that she's welcome to him? She does sound batty, but it also looks as though he's consciously making her insecure by suggesting a reconciliation with you is on the cards. If she tracks him, she'll see him at your house for hours when he lurks outside.

I think it might be worth letting her know you aren't in competition.

He has treated you really badly- as you know. Tempting as it is to interact and play games with him I would focus on cutting and cutting clean. As you say you do not need much dealing with him, your kids can arrange to see him should they actually wish to. Make sure that the divorce settlement covers support for kids and in particular what happens if they go on to college (a lot of man surprisingly attempt to dump any responsibility for their children when they get to 18). I would try and limit communication to email only and keep communication strictly focused around issues you need to discuss. I would google grey rock and use some of the ideas from this process to limit communications.

You should not be his emotional support. That should be long gone. If he strays into this territory I would just say I think you would be better discussing that with [new g/f].

The way this ends (I have seen this with friends on a number of occasions), is the new relationship ends spectacularly badly and he tries to run back to you. Usually using some quite intensive love bombing techniques. You need to be strong. Once a cheater always a cheater and if you take him back, he will be off the next time he gets a good opportunity to dip his wick elsewhere.

As for her. She is clearly a low life and I would just ignore her and again use grey rock. Do not react jus smile and nod.

Stop allowing him to come back and fourth.. simple! I expect he’s told her things about you (lies I assume) to make her hate you. If he’s unstable it makes sense. If kids are teenagers you don’t need any contact with him.

Don't be ridiculous encouraging someone to cause stress and trouble. Who knows what might happen if she does that.
How does she know the girlfriend won't turn up and attack her. Where will you be then?
Grow up.

Hes keeping you as a backup. Living the good(?) life with someone half is age but who might be making life difficult. Just get rid and don't get into an argument with his gf. It's up to him to deal with that part of his new life