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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cross with my "Britain-bashing" friend

145 replies

branflake81 · 17/06/2008 10:46

I have a good friend from the Czech Republic. She has lived here for two years and does not intend to stay forever.

She is generally lovely and we get on really well. I don't have a huge social circle so value her frienship a lot. Except for one thing - she is always moaning about Britain.

According to her, everthing is rubbish. The food, the scenery, the housing etc etc. Now I don't consider myself to be a particulary patriotic person and recognise that this country has its faults but it is really starting to wind me up. I almost feel as though she has strode into my living room and started dissing my curtains, if that doesn't sound ridiculous.

I sometimes feel on the point of snapping at her to just "go home" if things are really that shit here which is AWFUL

I am surprised I feel like this since I don't generally feel allegiance to my country, perhaps it's just her negativity.

Should I say something or just keep biting my tongue?

OP posts:
dannigirl · 17/06/2008 16:04

I have lived in London for six years now, originally from NZ. I like to have the occasional bash at British culture - although this is becoming a bit harder as I now have a British husband and half British bubba on the way . I would discreetly hint to her to F**K OFF home if she doesn't like it here.
I always remember the opportunities I have been given by living in this country, and feel very lucky that I have the choice to return to my (not so perfect) wonderful homeland if I choose to!!! No country is perfect!!!!! I think it is rude and disrespectful of her, stand up for your country and culture!!!!!!

dannigirl · 17/06/2008 16:04

I have lived in London for six years now, originally from NZ. I like to have the occasional bash at British culture - although this is becoming a bit harder as I now have a British husband and half British bubba on the way . I would discreetly hint to her to F**K OFF home if she doesn't like it here.
I always remember the opportunities I have been given by living in this country, and feel very lucky that I have the choice to return to my (not so perfect) wonderful homeland if I choose to!!! No country is perfect!!!!! I think it is rude and disrespectful of her, stand up for your country and culture!!!!!!

dirtylilminx · 17/06/2008 18:06

Just ask her why is she over here, and if her country's so great then why isn't she there? People like that really annoy me

FluffyMummy123 · 17/06/2008 18:06

Message withdrawn

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/06/2008 19:14

FFS do you really think someone should fuck off "home" because they complain about lack of mixer taps? (Which IS a v stupid and backward thing.)

CrushWithEyeliner · 17/06/2008 19:39

It's funny because from another perspective my Mother who came here when she was 18 as a student (still here 40 yes later!LOL) has only wonderful things to say about England and the English in general. Maybe this is generational?

People -me included- still grill her about how beautiful her native country (Italy) is and how could she leave but she is adamant that the UK is an amazing place to be which is why she is here. I don't know how the hell she walked out of Tuscany and never looked back but have a lot of respect for that, I think it shows character.

Kimi · 17/06/2008 19:40

Tell her to F off home if she don't like it.... she wont be missed

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/06/2008 19:59

If it's "one of us" putting down the weather, the chavs, the tax-dodgers, the fruitshooters & sausage rollers, the NHS etc etc (and you need look no further than MN for whingey threads), that's all fine and dandy. We are allowed, having earned the right by virtue of having been born here. Or at least brought over when v young. That takes personal effort and bravery.

myredcardigan · 17/06/2008 20:01

I worked in the US or 6mths and moaned constantly!

I didn't hate it, nor was I particulary homesick. I think it was just something to do. I really missed the British weather and couldn't be doing with the constant heat which made me cranky. It was also, as a rule, too right-wing for me and I spent my time arguing with everyone around me.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/06/2008 20:10

This reminds me of "Notes from a small island" (Bill Bryson) about all the little eccentricities and quirkiness of Britain.

Now here's one to make you cringe: on Saturday I helped out at the DC's summer fair's face-painting stall. One of the dads asked me where my accent was from. So I told him, asked him if he'd been there (no), recommended the seaside and the mountains but not the capital etc. By way of him making conversation with me too he asked me if this is what I used to do before I'd left my country, i.e. face-painting. I was gob-smacked by his ignorance, stupidity, arrogance and didn't reply immediately. He pressed the point home (foreigners are a bit stupid, if they don't get it at first, try again). When I started smirking this time he realised his mistake and tried to mend it with "oh, is this the first face-painting you've done?" etc. Lots gets lost in the translation, you see.

Bucharest · 17/06/2008 20:21

Cristina- did he speak l-o-u-d-l-y and s-l-o-w-l-y too? I often get asked by natives if I'm German (I look quite German I s'pose) and I always turn round and say "no, are you????"xx

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/06/2008 20:27

Ha, ha, I can't remember. It hasn't happened to me in a long while as I'm getting on a bit and am not so easy to patronise. Maybe I was looking particularly young and naive on Saturday

myredcardigan · 17/06/2008 20:33

Cristina, that reminds me of the tale of when some foreign heads of state were invited to Buck palace along with some MPs working on overseas development. Anyway, Prince Philip apparently asked Bernie Grant (MP) 'And where do you hail from, boy?' 'Tottenham' was the reply!

emkana · 17/06/2008 20:35

I agree wiht purpleduck. She is probably just terribly homesick and what she needs from a friend is not "fuck off home" but some interest in how her own country works, it helps to talk about home when you're homesick.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/06/2008 20:44

Prince Philip has made some pretty stupid errors like that.

Here's a tale that passes as true: about fifteen years ago one newspaper in Bucharest interviewed various foreign ambassadors about their wishes for that Christmas and New Year. The German ambassador wished for world peace, the Italian for beauty all around and so on. The British ambassador, not understanding the bombastic nature of the reply expected, wished for a small box of chocolates.

more · 17/06/2008 21:10

I have just as much right to moan about this country as someone who was born here. In my eyes this country is as much mine as yours. I pay my own way including taxes. Just like I did and would do in any other country that I have chosen (and maybe will choose) to live in.

I think you are walking on really thin ice when you propose telling the op to tell her friend to f... of home.

Some of you are starting to sound very much like Stingey from the Sportacus show. my country my country ALL MINE

taipo · 18/06/2008 08:28

Of course you have a right to moan as does the op's friend. A good moan can be very cathartic if you're feeling homesick, although it can also make you feel worse if you're moaning to people who obviously don't understand your gripes. I mean what's the point of moaning about British food (and I've never met a foreigner who hasn't complained about the food) to a Brit who has grown up on soggy sandwiches and soggy veg. I sometimes try to defend British food but usually I just have to hold my hands up and say "yes, it is crap, isn't it?"

I can understand moans about the weather but then I've moaned about the weather wherever I've lived. I think I just don't like weather very much.

Definitely can't understand how she can moan about the scenery, but that suggests to me that she must be very homesick because there is always beautiful scenery in any country imo.

I agree with Emkana that showing some genuine interest in her country might help.

francagoestohollywood · 18/06/2008 08:47

In the mumsnet little italy thread Italian mnetters in England moan about some English ways and English mumsnetters in Italy moan about some Italian ways. No one gets offended, I suppose (I hope!). Only by living in a different country you know how difficult (of course it depends on individual personality) it is to build a different/new life and adjust to a different culture (before moving to the UK - where I had travelled a lot as a tourist in my youth - I had no idea how the mentality/culture/the way friendship works are different!).
Moaning is also a way (maybe childish, certainly annoying for who has to listen to it regularly) to elaborate a slow adjustment to new ways.
Fuck off home is not the right answer. Maybe, a concerned "are you really so unhappy here?" might help her to start looking at some positives about her experience in the UK.

blueshoes · 18/06/2008 08:55

There is a sign on a rather unsavoury pub not too far away from me which has since closed down: 'England - love it or leave'.

I recently attended a cultural awareness course. Apparently, there are 3 phases immigrants go through after they move to a country:

first month to a year: honeymoon, everything about the place is great or quirky
Then 'quirky' really starts to grate and everything is shit - which is probably the phase OP's friend is at
Finally acceptance (perhaps around the 3 year mark) and the person is able to cherry pick the best of places and accept the less favourable aspects.

Although, Libra, for your dh, he does not seem to have got over the second phase! Does he want to move back to Denmark?

francagoestohollywood · 18/06/2008 09:03

Yes, I totally experienced the three phases, so much so that I was the one who had lots of reservations about moving back to Italy!
I think in my case what proved to be the biggest challenge was that we moved to a small town. I don't do small towns. I like big cities, I would have had the same problems even if it had been Italy.

francagoestohollywood · 18/06/2008 09:04

a small town in the UK I mean.

blueshoes · 18/06/2008 09:07

I relocated to UK 10 years ago having been born and bred in the Far East. I have to admit I moaned about England a lot more when I was only mixing with people who had moved over like me.

Once I met my lovely dh (English) and got to know his English friends, I found it a lot easier to understand their psyche and appreciate that certain less positive aspects of British life go with the more open and inclusive social, cultural and political framework which I am enjoying over time.

There is a lot to like.

On the other hand, my parents, who of course never made the decision to immigrate here, make me go when they criticise the UK and compare it unfavourably with my place of birth.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 18/06/2008 09:09

I'm also in the resigned phase now My intro to the UK was in a small town (Leeds, OK, but felt v provincial) - not good. London is fantastic, though.

blueshoes · 18/06/2008 09:12

franca, I am a city girl too. Don't think I would be happy in a small town or village either. One of the aspects of London I like a lot is the anonymity and freedom.

For me, it is dh that allowed me to integrate better and hence able to enjoy a shorter second phase.

blueshoes · 18/06/2008 09:12

Cristina, resigned is a good way of putting it!