Don't want to go on holiday with my mother.

[SealedInSkin]

My DS has a disability and got given a grant to go on a family holiday to a holiday park.

DH can't get the time off of work and as I have a toddler as well as DS who is 9, I wouldn't be able to go alone as I wouldn't be able to safely look after both in that situation.

My mother offered to come along to help out which don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the offer as I don't have any other family apart from DP so no one else to help.

However I agreed against my better judgement as I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to take DS on a holiday as we haven't been on one, ever but my mum has form for being really strict and over bearing.

She doesn't have very much patience when it comes to children. She has the 'old school' way of parenting and often ends up getting angry and shouting over what I would consider to be normal child behaviour.

For example, today we went to a cafe with my toddler who was being whingey because she was getting tired and hungry. My mum caused a right scene shouting at her to stop her bad behaviour and sit quietly, then when my toddler started crying because of this my mum stormed off.

I just know it'll be 100x worse on the holiday as both kids will be there, out of routine, in a new, busy and exciting place so I'm anticipating some behaviours but if she starts her approach of children should be seen and not heard its going to cause such a miserable environment.

I know people will say why did I ever agree to go with her but she promised she wouldn't be like that and would chill out and let me get on with the parenting, just help out but after how she was today when with us for just one hour I feel it was a big mistake.

I don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

I don't have holiday protection so I dont think I can cancel or make any changes without either losing the grant or having to pay to make changes.

It was a grant so I wont be out of pocket if I cancel but DS will be so disappointed.

What would you do in this situation?

I really feel for you here OP as I understand not wanting to disappoint your son, however you know this holiday will be a nightmare with your mum. An incident like day on repeat and no time to decompress away from each other

it’s a real shame you don’t have anyone else to go with but I honestly wouldn’t attempt this with her

I absolutely have the same experience that sometimes “help” can just make the situation worse. Can you in any way consider going just the three of you? Work out how each day will go before you go?

Tomorrow will be a good time to broach the subject with her. She'll probably be reflecting on what happened today, so you can tell her that this situation is exactly why you were reluctant to go on holiday with her and that you really don't know what to do now because of today's incident. Put the ball in her court. She promised to be more understanding but she's demonstrated that it's unlikely to happen. How does she think you should manage the situation now?

I am thinking about it but I don't know if it would be a good idea.DS is 9 but needs constant supervision, DD is 2... so also needs constant supervision. The age gap means they will probably want to do different activities.

I suppose if I went alone with the two of them I could really dial back what we would be doing on the holiday and pick the activities both children could do together that would be safest and just try to make the best of it.

If it was a disaster we could just go home early as we live fairly near the park.

Do you have a friend/sibling/cousin that would be willing to go with you? Would your partner be able to get leave from work. It would be such a shame for you all to miss out. Otherwise tell your mum in no uncertain terms how you expect her to behave. She cannot ruin the experience for all of you.

Don’t cancel but don’t subject yourself and kids to this rather unpleasant sounding person.
Reschedule for when your partner can join

does your 2 year old go to nursery?

If it were me, I'd use the incident in the cafe as the 'in' to raise it with her.
I'd come from the angle that it's clear that she doesnt find the DC particularly easy, and that on the holiday there would be lots of similar situations and that you think its going to be more stressful than enjoyable, so its probably better to cancel. If she says she doesn't want that, then you can have a conversation about how things can be different on holiday. Ie, she leaves the discipline of the DC to you, and if she's finding it too frustrating she walks out before she starts to shout, not after.
If she's unwilling to go along with this at all, and there's no way you can manage alone, it's better not to go.

If you live fairly close to the park can your partner join you in the evenings after work? Just plan low key activities during the day and you have an extra pair of hands at night?

Definitely don’t take your mum. As others have said I’d use the cafe as an example of why it’s probably not the best idea to go together.

Can the 2 year old stay at home with your partner and mum helping and you just take the older one?

She generally parents by ruling with an iron fist. She was incredibly strict with me and my sister and thinks that's the only way to parent but we were both afraid of her and had very bad anxiety growing up.

She thinks that if I don't start shouting at my toddler immediately when there is a challenging behaviour that I am being a "rubbish parent" and letting her het away with everything. In reality I am just being calm but firm as I dont want to rule by fear the way she did.

It's just a difference in opinions about parenting but she won't respect my way.

Its not like my children are out there behaving like wild animals, they are just being normal children but she has no tolerance for child like behaviours and expects them to behave like adults.

Why on earth did your mum think it was appropriate to make a scene because a tired toddler was playing up in a cafe? She sounds more immature and less in control of her feelings than your toddler.

You need to be quite blunt with her. She promised that she wouldn't behave in her normal, overbearing and shouty fashion but she couldn't even manage it for one afternoon. You will be so stressed on the holiday that nobody will enjoy it.

I'm so sorry that you have such an awful mum. If you are sure that you can't manage your two children on your own, you will probably need to cancel the holiday. Are you sure that your husband can't get the time off work?

She sounds horrible

to both you and your children.

Obviously don’t go on holiday with her, obviously! Just re schedule for when apetner can join.

And in your shoes, I would never ever leave my children alone with her. In fact, I wouldn’t want her in their lives (or mine!)

Would you want this woman helping out or indeed ever being alone with your toddler?

It's not really just a difference in opinions about parenting though. Her parenting style sounds abusive. She is the rubbish parent, not you. Both her children were, and probably still are, frightened of her. You put your children's needs first, your mum obviously always put her needs first. She doesn't sound like a safe person to have around your children. I'd use this incident as an opportunity to massively reduce the time I spent with her.

She is definitely not in control of her emotions. I remember feeling like I was walking on egg shells throughout my childhood trying not to set her off.

She is okay when the children are being okay but as soon as there is anything challenging going on she goes barmy.

DH has double checked today if he can get the time off and it's just not possible.

I'm leaning towards taking them by myself but doing less of the activities and trying to keep it a calmer more laid back holiday so I can safely manage both children.

At least that way DS would have been able to make use of the grant and get a bit of a nice experience.

I just feel bad that I'd probably have to tell him he can't go on a lot of the rides and activities as I wouldn't be able to go with him while watching his sister.

Then that makes me think maybe I should just cancel as it may be a miserable holiday for him if he's unable to actually do any of the things there that he wants to.

Is there a crèche or club at the holiday park?

Your DH can't get time off work, or doesn't want to? Does he have form for expecting you to do the heavy lifting with parenting? Tell him that for your DC's sake he has to go on the holiday. I suspect he hasn't even asked his employer?
This is where you need to get uncharacteristically firm, OP and draw a firm line that DP has to step up and be a parent alongside you, not semi-detached. Make it clear that this is a hill you are going to fight for.
Re your DM, of course you can't have her on the holiday. Tell her. After the cafe incident you won't need to spell out the reason. You and your DC deserve a nice holiday. I hope you enjoy it as a family.🌸

I wouldn't take her, the kids will be excited and hyper and granny will ruin it for them. If there's absolutely no one else to ask, could you contact whoever issued the grant to see if dates can be changed so dh could go.

Since the grant was for ds ib would focus on him. If there is a creche at the holiday park then put dd in that. If not then does she normally go to nursery? Could you leave her at home with dh using nursery to cover work hours?

If you really can't take both by yourself leave DD with DP and just take DS. Don't go with your mum, that's not going to be a holiday for anyone. The grant was for DS to have a holiday so take him on one and then the 4 of you go somewhere another time when DP can get off work.

I also think you need to consider either just you and DC1 going, or going without your mum and using any crèche available on site so you can take dc1 for activities that aren’t suitable for dc2.

Can you not put your DD in nursery or a childminder for the week and her father have her before and after work?
Take DS9 by yourself, that's what I would do if possible.

DH can't watch DD as he will be at work and can't get the time off. The only option would be to leave her with my mother for the week while I take just DS on the holiday but I was trying to avoid doing that for obvious reasons which is why I was taking DD with us as well.

Its very difficult to juggle it all when I really don't have anyone else to offer help other than my mother and I just wanted to do something nice for DS as he's hard a hard few years.

I think in my eagerness to treat him to something exciting like a holiday I just didn't think it all through properly and now here I am.

Have you looked in to whether there is an onsite club or crèche