Don't want to go on holiday with my mother.

[SealedInSkin]

My DS has a disability and got given a grant to go on a family holiday to a holiday park.

DH can't get the time off of work and as I have a toddler as well as DS who is 9, I wouldn't be able to go alone as I wouldn't be able to safely look after both in that situation.

My mother offered to come along to help out which don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the offer as I don't have any other family apart from DP so no one else to help.

However I agreed against my better judgement as I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to take DS on a holiday as we haven't been on one, ever but my mum has form for being really strict and over bearing.

She doesn't have very much patience when it comes to children. She has the 'old school' way of parenting and often ends up getting angry and shouting over what I would consider to be normal child behaviour.

For example, today we went to a cafe with my toddler who was being whingey because she was getting tired and hungry. My mum caused a right scene shouting at her to stop her bad behaviour and sit quietly, then when my toddler started crying because of this my mum stormed off.

I just know it'll be 100x worse on the holiday as both kids will be there, out of routine, in a new, busy and exciting place so I'm anticipating some behaviours but if she starts her approach of children should be seen and not heard its going to cause such a miserable environment.

I know people will say why did I ever agree to go with her but she promised she wouldn't be like that and would chill out and let me get on with the parenting, just help out but after how she was today when with us for just one hour I feel it was a big mistake.

I don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

I don't have holiday protection so I dont think I can cancel or make any changes without either losing the grant or having to pay to make changes.

It was a grant so I wont be out of pocket if I cancel but DS will be so disappointed.

What would you do in this situation?

I don't suppose OP wants to leave her toddler alone with intolerant granny after the cafe incident.

I would be tempted to go it alone, if DH could get a day at the start or end that would be great but get it is not always possible ( my DH cannot always get leave of others have it booked off or have training off site as need x many in at anyone time). Hopefully they have the red riders and you will all have a great experience. Go with lower expectations and take it easy adjusting as you go!

Would you feel comfortable /able to afford a Paid helper for a few hours ,you would be with the children as well of course but just another “pair of hands” or is there a face book page for the site that might have other lone parents on there and you can help each other out perhaps ?? Obvs would need to be safe for all involved

What a horrid situation. Some people are just useless with children, and always seem to make intense situations so much worse. Unfortunately your mum being one of them.

However, her heart is in the right place as she offered to go on holiday with you all to help you out. I would still go as your children will still have an amazing time even with your mum storming off, childlike, now and again. It may actually help her get to know how to relate better with your children to get them to do what she needs them to do.

For your mum, let her know how you feel she will be most helpful on holiday, give her some responsibilities. Looking after x in the pool whilst you look after the other etc… putting x to bed every night etc…. Any behaviour issues you will deal with and she has to be patient whilst you do and avoid jumping in, even if she’s finding their behaviour embarrassing.

I hope you all have a nice time x

If meal times are the biggest trigger then put a firm boundary around meal times. She can come on holiday but must eat separately for every meal if she can’t control her temper. Stop going for family meals with her.

Is there someone from his school that you trust, a TA for example. Would you feel comfortable with them coming?
I would speak to the holiday place, explain everything and hopefully they will be able to just change the dates. Have you husbands available dates ready when you ring.

Whatever you end up doing I hope you have a lovely time, Butlins is great fun for kids.

Can your DS swim? The pools are always good fun and have some shallower bits for little kids which your DD would hopefully enjoy

Don’t take your mum, difficult parents are the worst (I have them).

this holiday is all about your DS. So I would take him alone.

Leave your Dd with your mum during the day and dad can collect and drop her off before and after work. Not ideal I know but mum can stay in with dd for the week if she (that’s mum not dd) throws toddler tantrums if out in public.

enjoy your special holiday with your ds.

I’d check with DH when he actually can get time off, and then move it to one of those dates.

I can’t read the whole thread as it was all avoidable. Can you not gift it to someone?

Could you find some day time childcare for your toddler(eg childminder) you just take your son? Your husband can drop and pick up from daycare, put her to bed etc.

Explore to see if they have a creche at the holiday park, I think you'll be fine just you and your children just do different things on different days. I also think all the children should go. When we as a family had a funded holiday because of of my four children had a disability, the nurses said sometimes the other children are overlooked because of the attention the child gets. You could try laying down ground rules with your mom and say it's her last chance and she sticks by your rules or she pays for a taxi for herself and leaves. My husband ( now ex) was useless and it was all left to me with four under the age of seven. You'll be surprised how much a sibling can help

I suppose if I went alone with the two of them I could really dial back what we would be doing on the holiday and pick the activities both children could do together that would be safest and just try to make the best of it.

Do this, honestly when I ask my children to recall their holidays, the most random things come up as their most memorable parts, and it isn't the bits that cost the most or any of the 'activities' , so for instance the time we stayed in Cornwall and a couple had a massive argument outside the cottage in the wee hours of the morning and I made us all hot chocolate and we hid behind the curtains, rating their insults to each other !

Op I am shocked that your mother shouted at your toddler and that alone would put me off leaving her with your mum for any part of the trip (or ever). Poor little thing, she is doing exactly what toddlers do and being shouted at for it, that is a traumatic experience for a little kid. I wouldn't use mum as a babysitter..

I just don't think I could go on the holiday, your mum sounds like she will suck every ounce of fun out of it and you'll not relax at all.

Please don't leave your 2 year old with your abusive mother. She's not old enough to understand why your mum is losing her temper at her, and even if she could understand she shouldn't have to be treated like that.

Are you due to be away from Mon - Fri? I think you will enjoy it far more without your mum, even if you have to cut some activities or even come home a day early. Message Butlins to see if they have the Red Riders mentioned above. Set expectations accordingly with your ds. He/you may not be able to go on everything, but you can still have fun together, and a change of scene.

Best of luck.

So sad to read your mum shouted at your poor toddler for normal toddler behaviour. I wouldn’t be bringing mother on holiday at all and I wouldn’t leave my toddler alone with her either in future.

just go yourself and your kids, it’ll be an adventure. Not a very relaxing one for you, but they’ll love it. You can go in the pool together and get takeaways.
don’t put yourself under pressure do do lots of activities.

There is no easy way to approach this. She promised you she would moderate her behaviour while at the same time showing you she can’t do this.

You don’t feel able to leave DD with her because you know what she will be like.

All the evidence shows you it is not a good idea for her to go on holiday with you.

If the park is fairly near you home why can’t DH go with you? He could still travel to work and you will be alone with both kids in the day but at least he could be there for evening & night.

Your DC sound similar to mine. I think in your shoes I would try going by yourself, it may surprise you and give you the confidence to do more once home.

Edited to say sorry I didnt mean to quote anyone here.

To me you seem ungrateful to be honest and stuck on your own ways thinking you have master parenting. If you want to go on free holidays accept the help as it comes and not in your terms. She is doing you a favour to come and babysit. Otherwise stay home and don’t complain.

Stand up to your mum she’s a bully

OP won’t because it seems she doesn’t have much support in rl and relies on her mother for children I suspect

You’re going to have to tell her that she isn’t to raise her voice or scold the children - ever. Tell her you have concerns around going on the trip at all due to her behaviour.

If she throws a wobble then you know you’ll need to cancel.

I also recommend growing a friendship circle of other women. At least you’ll have people to do things with like this who aren’t going to make your kids cry.

Stop panicking and just go on your own. Play it by ear. Maybe there'll be a crèche on site. Maybe there'll be another parent you make friends with who can hold a toddler while you take 9yr old on a ride. Just focus on doing one thing per day. There'll be lots to look at with both of them I'm sure. And there's bound to be stuff you can all do together.

I'm pretty sure that OP doesn't rely on her mum to help her with childcare. It is only this particular situation that has led OP to ask her mum for help and her mum has proved that she is incapable of not being abusive to OP's small child.