Don't want to go on holiday with my mother.

[SealedInSkin]

My DS has a disability and got given a grant to go on a family holiday to a holiday park.

DH can't get the time off of work and as I have a toddler as well as DS who is 9, I wouldn't be able to go alone as I wouldn't be able to safely look after both in that situation.

My mother offered to come along to help out which don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the offer as I don't have any other family apart from DP so no one else to help.

However I agreed against my better judgement as I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to take DS on a holiday as we haven't been on one, ever but my mum has form for being really strict and over bearing.

She doesn't have very much patience when it comes to children. She has the 'old school' way of parenting and often ends up getting angry and shouting over what I would consider to be normal child behaviour.

For example, today we went to a cafe with my toddler who was being whingey because she was getting tired and hungry. My mum caused a right scene shouting at her to stop her bad behaviour and sit quietly, then when my toddler started crying because of this my mum stormed off.

I just know it'll be 100x worse on the holiday as both kids will be there, out of routine, in a new, busy and exciting place so I'm anticipating some behaviours but if she starts her approach of children should be seen and not heard its going to cause such a miserable environment.

I know people will say why did I ever agree to go with her but she promised she wouldn't be like that and would chill out and let me get on with the parenting, just help out but after how she was today when with us for just one hour I feel it was a big mistake.

I don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

I don't have holiday protection so I dont think I can cancel or make any changes without either losing the grant or having to pay to make changes.

It was a grant so I wont be out of pocket if I cancel but DS will be so disappointed.

What would you do in this situation?

What has OP got to be grateful for? Her mum shouting at her toddler? OP and her sister had a horrible childhood with their mother and are still scared of her. Her mum seems incapable of not being cruel to small children so OP taking her on holiday to provide some help and support is unrealistic.

I wouldnt trust a woman who screams and storms out in public to not be even worse in private and likely DD would have a horrible day, probably smacked several times at least.

Loads of jobs. We can only have a certain number of people off each week.

don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

Stop worrying about how she will take it for a start. It's not your mother's place to say anything to your toddler ffs. Even if she feels you are doing it wrong, and let's face it some grandparents do have some old fashioned views and aren't always shy about sharing them, it is 100% not in her remit to act on this. She can hold her own opinion, and even tell you it if she wants to be a complete bitch but this is a other level. My own dm would never chose how to parent my children and has always deferred to us as their parents.

You need to stand up to your dm. Send her a text message now.

Dm I am really disappointed in your behaviour yesterday, you had absolutely no right to shout at dc. I am now rethinking you coming away with us because it is clear you are unable to let me parents as I see fit. I am not interested in your opinion on how I should parent. If you ever shout at my children again then I am afraid you won't be allowed to see them any more.

Don't stand for this BS, you are an adult now. You don't need to tolerate it.

A mind boggling response from @abbynabby23

You and your childre deserve better than this. Use the incident to tell her you've cancelled the holiday as it will be too stressful for her, it's not fair on her etc. If she protests, oops,too late you've done it. You dont have to challenge her if you dont want to. Don't actually cancel the holiday and look around for someone else to go with you. You can always tell her someone volunteered later on so you re-booked. If you don't have a friend with enough holiday leave do you know a helpful teenager who likes to spend time with your kids? It wouldn't suit all teens but some would genuinely love to have an extra holiday and get to do fun things with little ones.

Have a talk with mom and explain that she is to follow your lead and let you handle your child’s needs and behavior. Lots of grandparents have no idea about early childhood development and expect very young children to behave as if they’re adults. It’s sad.

Don't allow your mum to treat your child that way .. change your mind your allowed to why put yourself through this and a child .. stand up to her I'd distance myself I could never be like this with my grandaughter .

Show her this thread

If you'd read ops updates you wouldn't need to ask arsey questions.

Don’t be such an arse. You just sound jealous that the OP got a grant for a holiday.

do you know how full-on and exhausting it is to be a carer to a disabled child? It is a constant physical and emotional graft. OP considered her mum coming so she can watch the toddler whilst she takes her son on activities. She’s not asking for mum to come to the all-inclusive in Spain to watch the kids whilst she sunbathes and relaxes ffs.

OP says they don’t go on holidays. Having a disabled child can make it financially and practically impossible to manage holidays. As is evidenced by the op’s concerns in the post. I’ve worked with a family who had a disabled child and they got a grant for a holiday too and had to decline as there were no changing facilities suitable for their 10 year old who was in nappies, and there were no facilities for them to cook the limited amount of meals he would eat. They were well-off too but holidays no longer feature in their life.

I’m sure OP’s dream holiday isn’t alone at Butlin’s caring 2 kids, 45 minutes drive away from her home. But she wants her DS to have some fun.

if you want free holiday’s then adopt a disabled child and enjoy all the grants and freebies you’ll get. 🙄

You aren’t being unreasonable but go with her and do your best to make it a good time for everyone, even if that means biting your tongue. There probably will come a time when you will treasure this as a memory, difficult though it is to believe it at the moment.

I would do this. One day calling in sick to come up to you, and then that can be your DS's day on the rides. It's doable.

OP if your DH has asked for time off and refused, please don't ask him to take a sick day instead. The manager will be aware that he wanted this time off and will be very suspicious - they will either write him up or terminate him if they find out that he wasn't sick.

I think I'd try it on my own. You can still make it special for your older child - just being away on holiday is fun.

AFAIK all Butlins camps are close to a beach - could you manage a day out there with them both? They have great indoor pools, again could you manage with them both? Entertainers/shows - some will be good for toddlers, some older children, but they can still attend the ones that aren't geared up for them.

@SealedInSkin , this is good advice.
When my marriage ended, on my first holiday with my kids i was scared to go alone and I have a SEN child.
My brother was going to be travelling to the same place and suggested we align our dates so we go together. I hesitated. He is a lovely uncle but has no patience and understanding of how children behave.
I told him that it was meant to be a holiday and I didn't think his expectations of how kids behave would be appropriate in this instance. He was surprised and said he will not be like that. I cited examples of previous behaviour and behaviour likely to occur that he will react too.
He promised. And we all went together. It was a great holiday.

My DM was similar to yours, I was scared of her. I used to refuse to go anywhere with her together with my kids because of her strictness and tendency to act out/walk off/throw a tantrum, she eventually learnt to withhold that behaviour when we had to go somewhere and she was even lovely AND SUPPORTIVE on those trips.
Speak to your DM. Be frank.

Would she be receptive to a frank talk ? Explain that while you appreciate her help, she needs to be more tolerant and understanding of her grandchildren and if she can't do this, she can't come.

@SealedInSkin , ignore this.

Some people just like to be nasty. Such a sad way to live.

I would not take your mum and I'd use the cafe incident as a reason.

Then I'd try to find tiny ways to carve out time for ds.

Does the holiday cover a weekend so dh can join you for at least a day? If you leave on a Saturday for example dh could drive up after work on Friday, you could store up all week the rides ds wants to go on then do them all with him on that day?

Could he drive up even one day after work then you could take ds to some evening entertainment if they have shows he might enjoy?

These ideas are all shit for dh but maybe fun for ds? Or Dh could take ds out in the evening?

I'm sure you've thought of all these ideas already but does the charity who gave you the grant have any support workers who could come and be with you for a day?

It sounds really hard op, I'm not mjnimising how hard it will be, but I still feel like you'd have more fun without your mum than with her.

You need to tell her if she wants to be supportive then she follows your rules on parenting. No tantrums, no bullying nor scaring the children as that’s not how you and DH parent! You want your DC to be comfortable with expressing their emotions whether it’s frustration, happiness or anger and not bottle it all up in shame until they blow up.

Was the grant given by a charity organisation? If so do they have a volunteer scheme that would provide you with a helper?

Thank you. That comment did get under my skin a bit. I certainly don't think I have "master parenting".. if anything I am constantly doubting my own parenting and hoping I'm not messing my kids up!

Unfortunately she would not. I've tried talking to her about it calmly and as gently as I can but anything she perceives as criticism makes her blow up and ends in a row.

She is fine when things are fine and can be good fun and helpful but it's as soon as things aren't easy and fun any more that she gets really easily overwhelmed and starts trying to control the situation.

I've spoken to my Mum. It wasn't received well. I've decided to go alone with my children and try to make the best of it. I'm really nervous about it as it has the potential to go horribly with my 2 year old going through the terrible 2's and with the nature of DS's disability but I've decided just to try and if we need to come home early then so be it.

As a PP suggested there is a beach close by so we can spend time there. Will try the swimming pool too as I've taken them both swimming before and could manage that.

Fingers crossed it goes okay. I just want DS to have a nice time and have some happy and fun memories.

Sorry to hear how your mum. Yes, seems best to go without her. Such a shame, she could have made some lovely memories.

My DM was same. When she realised she wasn't being invited to anything or to go anywhere when we were with our DC (& sometimes even when without DC), she started learning to adjust her behaviour.