Don't want to go on holiday with my mother.

[SealedInSkin]

My DS has a disability and got given a grant to go on a family holiday to a holiday park.

DH can't get the time off of work and as I have a toddler as well as DS who is 9, I wouldn't be able to go alone as I wouldn't be able to safely look after both in that situation.

My mother offered to come along to help out which don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the offer as I don't have any other family apart from DP so no one else to help.

However I agreed against my better judgement as I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to take DS on a holiday as we haven't been on one, ever but my mum has form for being really strict and over bearing.

She doesn't have very much patience when it comes to children. She has the 'old school' way of parenting and often ends up getting angry and shouting over what I would consider to be normal child behaviour.

For example, today we went to a cafe with my toddler who was being whingey because she was getting tired and hungry. My mum caused a right scene shouting at her to stop her bad behaviour and sit quietly, then when my toddler started crying because of this my mum stormed off.

I just know it'll be 100x worse on the holiday as both kids will be there, out of routine, in a new, busy and exciting place so I'm anticipating some behaviours but if she starts her approach of children should be seen and not heard its going to cause such a miserable environment.

I know people will say why did I ever agree to go with her but she promised she wouldn't be like that and would chill out and let me get on with the parenting, just help out but after how she was today when with us for just one hour I feel it was a big mistake.

I don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

I don't have holiday protection so I dont think I can cancel or make any changes without either losing the grant or having to pay to make changes.

It was a grant so I wont be out of pocket if I cancel but DS will be so disappointed.

What would you do in this situation?

We are about 45 minutes away and he doesn't finish work until 6.30pm so it wouldn't be of that much help as I imagine we will be in the accommodation in the evenings anyway so easier to manage.

Are you going to Butlins?.....at the funfair they sometimes have red riders....they can go on the rides with the child if your not able.

Yes we are. Oh I didn't know that. That would be so helpful if that's the case.

Could you see if there’s a childminding facility where you’re staying? Maybe you could arrange a couple of hours to spend with your eldest and do the activities they’d like then?

I have asked loads about a crèche or club but no answer

There are no child minding services at Butlins

I would go on your own and tell your mum that she will be a liability if she behaves the way she did today. You can also point out that growing up you found her intolerant and you don’t want to inflict that on her children. Such a shame. She sounds quite disregulated but she is an adult so should be able to control herself. It will be stressful for you to manage her as well as a toddler and a disabled DS and she is liable to make the children behave worse if she can’t control herself temper.

No kids club or crèche?

As far as I'm aware the nursery service closed during Covid.

I know you said that your DH couldn't get the week off but could he get just one day off? That could be the day you do the things your DS wants to do.

Or could your mum come for just one day?

He can't get any time off over those dates at all. There wasn't a lot of choice with dates as I was choosing dates that the grant would cover as I can't afford to top up the grant for some of the other date's prices.

I was going to talk to him about maybe phoning in sick for one day, I know it's not a great thing to do but like you said, if he phoned in sick and came up for the day then I would be able to focus on DS that day and make it extra special for him.

Why on earth are you asking what to do?
Surely today’s example is the person opportunity to tell her? Your holiday would be 100x worse and stressful for you and the kids. Tell her what she did today is why she can’t come. Why are you so scared to tell her when she shouted at your child.
can you not postpone the trip till your dh can come too?

Rather than cancel, can you reschedule for a date when DP CAN be there? Then you won’t have wasted the grant and won’t disappoint your DS.

I absolutely would not go with your mother.

So how do you manage if they both need constant supervision the rest of the time? And why did you book it for a time when your DP couldn't be off work?

I don't think I'd be taking your mother. That sounds stressful and no help, really. Can your DP at least come for some of the time, if it's across a weekend?

You may as well go if it's all booked and paid for. You obviously won't get the best out of it without another adult there to help, but it's surely got to be better than not going at all.

What about leaving the toddler with your mum for just one day and your DH bring her over in the evening after work? That would still give you a day with your DS.

I’d be finding a way to go it alone op. It can be done - just try not to over extend yourself and really scale down activities and keep it simple xx

Because the grant was for a fixed amount and there were only a few dates that fell into that price range, with the other dates being too much for me to top up as finances are tight at the moment and between that and fitting it around dates DS could actually attend, there wasn't much choice. When I booked it things were calmer with my mother and had been going smoothly for a while and as I was so eager to make use of it for my DS I booked it naively thinking things would be okay.

As for how I manage the rest of the time, we don't go out or do a lot of things often. Hence why I was keen to try this for DS so he could try something new and exciting.

Yes this is a possibility.

100% do not take your mum. Give her any reason you want. My mum was like yours and we did just a 3 day family holiday with her and it was awful. She was unable to control her reactions and I expect your mum is the same no matter what she promises. Look into any and all possibilities to make the holiday easier for you with both kids and don’t feel guilty about prioritising DS with DD tagging along, it’s for his benefit after all.

No.

OP said herself that she has done nine years of all the care of DS, so it is not U to ask if he does his share.

Yes, she us the carer, and he works, what's he supposed to do risk his job fir the holiday.

OP has not complained about her husband she is worried about her Mother going with her aggresive attitude.

How do you know what he does at home when he is there? You are twisting this to suit your ideas. Someone has to work.

Sorry should have put quotation marks in my first paragraph.

I would not leave a toddler with an abusive person even if just for one day. If you still feel frightened of your mother after 30 years, imagine how your poor toddler would feel after a day of being shouted at.

In your situation I would ask my husband to commute from the holiday park that week if at all possible and I would consider using a childcare app to find someone to help you for a day or an afternoon at the holiday park. I wouldn’t leave the toddler alone with the person (though I would still make sure they were DBS checked), just use them as a second pair of hands so you have more freedom to do things DS would enjoy.

Exactly

You’re joking @SealedInSkin ? Right?

go back and read how you describe your mother.