Don't want to go on holiday with my mother.

[SealedInSkin]

My DS has a disability and got given a grant to go on a family holiday to a holiday park.

DH can't get the time off of work and as I have a toddler as well as DS who is 9, I wouldn't be able to go alone as I wouldn't be able to safely look after both in that situation.

My mother offered to come along to help out which don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the offer as I don't have any other family apart from DP so no one else to help.

However I agreed against my better judgement as I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to take DS on a holiday as we haven't been on one, ever but my mum has form for being really strict and over bearing.

She doesn't have very much patience when it comes to children. She has the 'old school' way of parenting and often ends up getting angry and shouting over what I would consider to be normal child behaviour.

For example, today we went to a cafe with my toddler who was being whingey because she was getting tired and hungry. My mum caused a right scene shouting at her to stop her bad behaviour and sit quietly, then when my toddler started crying because of this my mum stormed off.

I just know it'll be 100x worse on the holiday as both kids will be there, out of routine, in a new, busy and exciting place so I'm anticipating some behaviours but if she starts her approach of children should be seen and not heard its going to cause such a miserable environment.

I know people will say why did I ever agree to go with her but she promised she wouldn't be like that and would chill out and let me get on with the parenting, just help out but after how she was today when with us for just one hour I feel it was a big mistake.

I don't know how to approach this with her as she won't take it well.

I don't have holiday protection so I dont think I can cancel or make any changes without either losing the grant or having to pay to make changes.

It was a grant so I wont be out of pocket if I cancel but DS will be so disappointed.

What would you do in this situation?

If it was me, I would take her and use it as the perfect opportunity to overrule her/put her down firmly if she tries her way of ‘parenting’. It sounds like you need a make or break ‘thing’ to happen and if you manage to put your foot down on this holiday, it’ll help going forwards (as surely you’ll need to leave your kids in her care at some point in the next 10-15 years?)

Remind her before the holiday that it’s your way or no way, then if she behaves badly you have every right to bring her up on it. You can’t keep avoiding this until your children are adults.

Don’t cancel that’s really cruel to your son. Have a frank chat with your mum first and do your best to manage her mad behaviour.

Can you have a go at asking the holiday park if they can give you alternative dates? Lay it on thick about it being a grant for your disabled child and you need to be able to come at a time your DH can accompany you.

Dial down the holiday to just what you can cope with, with you and the children.
Do not bring your mother.
She sounds completely abusive.
Keep her far away from your children.
She sounds more than strict.
She sounds unhinged.

Don't cancel but tell your mother the truth. She might even be relieved. Best of luck with the kids. Worst case scenario you only stay a few days. They might surprise you.

Can you have another word with her but not a gentle word more of a ‘if you want to help it has to be 100% my way, do not shout at my children, I will if I need to’. Is she worried what others think?

my dad really told my dd off once and I made it very clear he was to never do it again (unless she was doing something dangerous obviously) but we were just visiting a nice cafe and they had a plate of brownie bites for customers to taste, my 2 year old took one and when I was dealing with baby dd, she took another. I agreed with my dad that she should only have 1 but I would have just explained that to her as she was 2 and wouldn’t have known!!. My dad was always so worried what others think it made it difficult to be around him!!

Unfortunately not. I only have one sister and we are not close at all. She has never met my children.

I don't have any friends due to the nature of DS's disability. I have been his carer for the last few years and it has been very isolating.

I think I will ring up the holiday company and see how much it would cost me to move it to a different date but if it's very costly then I won't be able to do that as very short on cash at the moment.

Have you checked whether onsite crèche or club??

and just seen She is definitely not in control of her emotions. I remember feeling like I was walking on egg shells throughout my childhood trying not to set her off.

please never have her alone with your children

Yes it is definitely fuelled by an 'appearances' thing but she can't be that worried what other's think as she can behave completely unhinged in these situations and it doesn't cross her mind how other's would perceive that.

Yes, I know you are right. I need to be strong and put my foot down and I do call her out on it which leads to massive rows but I always end up feeling that same fear I felt in my childhood. Its like its ingrained in my brain which is ridiculous as I'm in my 30's now.

Second what @Pokko said.

By all accounts use the example of cafe to breach the subject with her however she doesn’t sound like a person who’s able/willing to listen.

If you take her you’ll have 3 people that need to be managed (instead of just 2)so it will be even more exhausting for you.

What you have written here about your mother ruling with an iron fist and being scared of her as a child- this not only smacks of abuse and dysfunction but makes her a failure as a parent.

Take a friend of cousin for company or
scale down on kids activities or
don’t go

but please don’t take your mother.

That's such a shame for you your ds deserves the holiday and the break will do you good.
Can your dh get any time off at all to join you, even if only one day and you can manage on your own for the rest of the time.
I wouldn't go with your dm you'll be worried the whole time. If you have to go alone just dial down to activities both children can enjoy it'll be better than not going at all

You need a holiday too, OP so though it would be good to do as pp suggest and have a very firm conversation with DM, I wouldn't risk doing it on the holiday. Do it afterwards.
As you live fairly near the holiday park, could DH come over after work, or even stay and commute to work. You would at least get some respite in the evenings.
If not, can you go just with DS the two of you - it would be so special for you both. With DH/nursery taking care of DD.

What rubbish, the OP has stated that her husband cannot get time of work. She has not said anything that puts her husband in a bad light.

Your advice is dreadful, he works sometimes things are not possible.Keep your opinions to yourself and stop making things up to suit how you negatively see the male in this situation.

Please don't cancel or move, just make sure to get your mother out of the planning. I'm not underestimating the challenges of such a holiday, but (like with many holidays with small kids) you do it for them, not so (much) for you.
Go with the mindset to take it easy and leave big parenting battles for later. This is an excellent occasion for bonding with notably your eldest: be relaxed about bed times, watch films together, get snacks in. If the toddler ends up in bed too late, so be it. Be relaxed about dinner times: when they're hungry, you eat and you eat whatever they like. That's the idea of a holiday. Have late morning starts if this works with both kids, do things you normally never do with them and try not to stress about your usual parenting rules (just organise yourself around them: for instance, if you know eating out in a restaurant is difficult with either of them, then don't put yourself in that position: get takeaway).

It's not ridiculous @SealedInSkin I'm still terrified of my mother and I'm late 60s😔 please don't consider leaving your toddler with her!

These holiday parks usually have kids clubs but even if they don't I'm sure one of the other mothers or activities people would be happy to watch your toddler whilst you went on rides with your son or whatever activities he wanted to do. I know if I saw another mother struggling I'd be happy to help like that (and have done). I think you would enjoy it better without the added stress of trying to manage your mother's behaviour. I'm sure your son would rather go and not be able to do certain things that not go at all.

Thank you. This is really helpful to read. I wish someone could tell my mum this though as meal times are massive trigger for her.

Yes I am still leaning to trying it on my own with the children but just explaining before hand to DS that its going to be at a relaxed pace, fitting in what we can that works for us all and that we will just enjoy it in our own way, even if that means not making use of everything on offer.

That way its better than nothing and he's still getting a special time.

DD is 2 which obviously comes with its own challenges but I reckon she will just go along with whatever we choose to do and be pretty happy with whatever that is.

Thankfully I am not as unhinged in the face of challenging toddler behaviour so won't throw a wobbly at the slightest tantrum

What kind of job does your partner do where he can't get time off work for a family holiday? Presumably this grant doesn't apply to just one set week in the year?

If you live near the park can your husband at least join you in the evenings

OP do you have any childcare workers who know the kids who could come for one day in the daytime just to help, so your son can go on all the rides etc? It might be too far but just a thought.

I'm a carer myself so totally understand a lot of what you are saying.

If it were me, and you are obviously still suffering the ill treatment from your own upbringing, I would not inflict her on to your own children, especially as you are trying to parent differently.

A week with her and I'm assuming she will be in the same accommodation you can not take the chance of her behaving for a week with such close contact and your children and you will be walking on egg shells.

Try ringing the company, explain that your husband helps you when holidaying as it's a lot for you on your own, explain that you thought he would have been able to get the time off and see if they'll maybe change the dates, I'm not sure if you've told them your mother's going if you have just say she's pulled out last minute, I can't see why they wouldn't do this for you, it would be so much nicer having your DH there, your son will be able to enjoy the things he wants to do and they really do deserve a little treat especially if attending lots of appointments etc and your toddler will be so happy and so deserving of the extra attention herself.

Why can't your husband go?

OP said herself that she has done nine years of all the care of DS, so it is not U to ask if he does his share.

Could you take a babysitter with you instead? The equivalent of a mother’s helper, could be a family friend or someone you use for occasional babysitting etc. with lower expectations than an actual paid nanny, but still an extra adult to help when handling the two kids is too much.
I’m sure there are people in your circle who would happy to go on a week away in exchange for some help.

If I were you I’d go as a three and I would dial back and lower my expectations. And if we think about our own childhoods, our memories aren’t often about actual activities but usually about laughter and feeling happy. It’s more important to be together and happy. Than be together, doing lots of activities and stressed. Sometimes for kids the novelty of a new place to stay and a new park to play in, is enough.