Hen do pressure when chronically ill

[Cherry346]

Long story short - I'm due to attend a friend's hen do shortly. I've had a very debilitating chronic illness for 5 years having previously been very fit / active / sociable. I've been in a bad relapse since Christmas and have barely left the house, it's been extremely tough mentally and physically particularly with young children. In the weeks leading up to the hen do I've had numerous messages from the bride saying " I will be gutted if you can't make it", "you have to make my hen" etc etc and in the days leading up to it random (and, I feel, slightly loaded) texts saying "so excited for the hen". The reality is I probably can't make a decision until the actual day as it's just so unpredictable. This won't affect anyone else as I've paid upfront and will accept I'll lose the money if I can't go. I just feel these constant messages and "guilt trips" are adding to the pressure and, tbh, are unfair. I wish more than anything I could look forward to a much needed girls' weekend and guarantee my attendance but that just isn't possible with this condition which can leave me unable to shower for weeks on end. Am I being unreasonable to think perhaps a bit more compassion should be shown here?

YANBU. She doesn’t sound very compassionate at all.

very few people understand chronic illness, unless they experience it themselves, it’s not great but I don’t think it comes from a place of malice, just a serious lack of understandin . If she’s a good friend usually I would chalk this up to misunderstanding vs guilting, message her now being like there’s a serious chance I won’t make it, as you know I’m struggling with X a lot at the minute, if I can’t I hope you have a fabulous time etc and we can meet up for a quiet coffee or something’s

My thoughts exactly. I real friend would understand and support you.

Sorry about your illness OP, I hope things improve for you.

Ignore the pressure, they shouldn't be doing that.

You have explained that you might not feel up to it.

They aren't your friends if they don't understand that.

What effort has she made to support you while you’ve been struggling?

Your friend just doesn’t understand the realities and difficulties of chronic illness. But she’s probably just trying to show you, by her frequent messages, how much she values your friendship and enjoys your company, so I wouldn't judge her too harshly. Just reply something like "I’m really looking forward to it and really hoping to come, but unfortunately I won’t know for sure if I’m well enough until the day itself. Fingers crossed!" Repeat, with a similar message, as often as necessary.

shed love you to be there and is probably nervous about it going well for her. Perhaps she feels vulnerable too. No need to fall out about it

Just say I'll let you know nearer time. Please stop messaging while I am ill 🤢

Just say now you're not going

Don't leave them hanging

Just say no, its not difficult

Unless they are living it or have really good understanding, a lot of people just don’t get it. They don’t get that if you do push through you’ll be paying for it for weeks and if you don’t you’re mental health is going to take a knock, you’re going to be more stressed and more unwell.

just wanted to give you some support, you must do what is right for you. She won’t even remember in five years who or who wasn’t at her hen.

No, don't do this.
They may be relying on her for numbers for activities.
Don't leave people hanging on, just be honest.

Your illness sounds horrendous. I can understand she will feel disappointed but putting pressure on you when she’s aware that you’ve been unwell isn’t fair. Does she know how bad your illness is/has been?

Any real friend would understand.

This isn’t on you to feel bad about OP.

All you can do it say that youd love to do something quieter (like afternoon tea) at another point as you’d still love to celebrate with her.

If she gets pissy about it, that’s on her.

I'd bite the bullet right now and tell her/MOH or whoever is organising it that you have a bad flare and will not make it. It sounds like the last thing you need at the moment so look out for yourself.

Sorry to say it, but talk is cheap from the B2B, I bet few will know or care whether you are there or not once the first few bevvies go down the hatch.

If anyone says anything negative I'd ignore it. F them. True colours and all that.

YANBU op. there should be more compassion. I sympathise. I have a condition where I often don’t know if I’m going to be ok until the day of something preplanned. Kind of makes you not want to put anything in the diary or agreed to anything.

If you feel able to do this I would suggest a response next time you get a message along the lines of:
“Hi (friend), not long until your do. I just wanted to prewarn you again that due to my (medical condition) I often don’t know until the day itself if I’m going to be well enough. Of course I’m going to try my best to be there for you but please be aware there is a chance I may not be able to attend. I’m hoping I’ll be ok, fingers crossed.
Love Cherry346”

I hope you are ok for it be do not take any disappointed responses from the bride to heart if it turns out you are not well enough to go.

It's really hard, op. I became chronically ill about the same time as you (like you, fit and active beforehand) and it's really changed my friendships. Admittedly, friends were great for a long time but a couple of my closest no longer seem to be interested if I can't join them for karaoke etc.

I don't know whether your friends are meaning to pressure you because they don't understand and assume failure to attend will be a failure of friendship on your part, or because they want you to be included and are conscious of you not being...

All this to say, I'm guessing they probably don't realise what day to day life is like for you, only seeing you on good days and not witnessing the consequences of pushing yourself. Have you explained?

It's easy to assume friends pick it up from comments we make but I would guess you don't go on about it much and try to live in the moment. It's also hard to open up and be vulnerable that way.

Weddings do strange things to people and lots of women seem to become massively entitled. This could also be a flash point in your friendship where you see your friendship is more fairweather than you thought.

Put yourself first, do your best to explain and, perhaps, if you can't make it and the bride doesn't disgrace herself with her reaction, send flowers in your place.

While we should never have to apologise for disabilities, sometimes it doesn't hurt to smooth the waters- especially at a time where some people lose their minds over trivial plans.

WOW!! Absolutely Zero compassion for someone struggling with a chronic illness!

Having something nice to aim for is a huge incentive but that alone isn’t enough to guarantee wellness on the day.

IF the Bride was a genuine long term friend, she’d understand and support the OP and not be pressuring her with ridiculous texts.

Sadly, she sounds like the usual bridezilla type who actually thinks the world revolves around their silly Hen party and wedding.

To be fair she has been mainly supportive - and has certainly stayed in touch which is more than a lot of other friends have. There have been a few times I've questioned whether she truly understands (for example when I made it out for a few drinks one Saturday afternoon she said "see- you can do it when you try" - like it was just a lack of effort/choice on my part rather than a complete inability). It's comments like the latter which really hurt as if there's any way I can humanly make something, I will! I'm sure it isn't meant in a hurtful way though.

Are these messages to you directly or on like a group whatsapp chat?

She isn’t a friend. I wouldn’t be going at all, but if you want to keep her in your life, let her know you have no control over whether you will be well enough to attend and ask her to stop pressuring you.

She loves you and really wants you to attend.
She’s just excited and so it’s coming across as pushy.

I think you need to tell her that you can’t go and be very clear.
You say you’ve barely left the house since Christmas and so it’s unlikely you’re going to feel up to it.

If you say it’s a definite no then it will take the pressure off of you and she’ll stop texting about it.

You know that it’s very unlikely that you’re going to attend but If on the day you feel better then you can ask if you can still attend or meet them before or after for a few drinks.

It isn't about being compassionate or heartless.

I'm bring practical and sensible.

They're not relying on me for numbers and I will just lose the money for my room at the hotel and for money I've spent on an activity. If anyone was going to lose out financially as a result of me not going I'd make sure they were compensated.

I can't overestimate how much I wouldn't be going on this trip, OP.

Can you just tell her that you are not going?
That you are concerned that even if you feel a bit better, the exertion of the trip might set you back and you have to focus on a sustainable level for the benefit of your wider life and family?
It sounds like the whole idea is causing you detrimental stress