To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread You say that you don't like upsetting people, but she is upsetting you and walking all over your boundaries, and you're allowing her to do it.

Please end this relationship.

Love bombing can be followed by coercive control or stalking. Run for the hills.

Having read all of your updates, OP, I'm really concerned for you. She has ignored all of your boundaries and is trying to make you feel like you're the one being unreasonable. She's pretty much moved in after a month!

This is classic obsessive behaviour, and it could easily veer into stalker territory.

I think you need to end this immediately, and don't give her an option for a more casual dating arrangement. She might say she's OK with it, but very soon she'll be pushing for more.
End it completely, clean break - it's the best way.

💐

Stop stringing her along, you both want completely different things. She’s obviously not a friends with benefits women. It would be much better to end this now.

You surely don't want to continue this? It's too smothering and you don't want the same things. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person for you to end a relationship; you just have to realise you are incompatible. Please for your own growth and ongoing relationship with yourself do not continue because this is only going to turn toxic at some point.

JFC, read a) the thread and b) the room

Lord no, i wouldn't want to be with someone who's trampling right over my boundaries so soon into a relationship

Early days is the honeymoon phase usually where everything feels shiny, happy and new....... except for that's not how you appear to feel

Another 6 months of being steamrolled and this resentment your starting to feel will likely be so much worse

I had a boyfriend like that, he would constantly call me and expect that I be free to talk.......
It got to the point that he would call me when he was at work and want me to stay on the phone all day long while he drove and would lose his temper if I didnt answer and accuse me of cheating
When I found myself proving where I had been all day I knew I had ignored red flags and needed out of the relationship because it was making me so anxious

When I read your OP, I started thinking about ways to assert some basic boundaries and carve out a decent amount of time for yourself.

However, as this thread's gone on, it's become increasingly obvious that this woman is unlikely to change, however much she claims to like you. The red flags have arrived thick and fast.

The one that made me think "no way" - "it's not going to get better" - was when i saw your post about the sheer amount of stuff she's already secreted around your house! Leaving her clothes (in either your wardrobe or your laundry basket) without any invitation from you to do so, is deeply unsexy.

Who does that? Would you even do it at your best friend's house? if anyone ever does that again I hope you feel more empowered to nip it in the bud straight away. Your home is not a dumpting ground for other people's clutter!

I believe that her behaviour has made it clear that you are not compatible, and never will be. If she really is as 'attentive' as you say, she should have paid a lot more attention to how much you were actively consenting vs how much she was forcing herself on you/ your head/physical space and time.

I agree with a PP's assessment: that if you end it with her, she is likely to move on to somebody new pretty quickly.

I’ve had a conversation over the phone late last night about 1am. I said it’s too much for me and I’m not getting any time, that I like her but if this continues I’ll no longer be interested and it needs to stop. I said I’ll be seeing her 1-2 times per week max and she agreed that’s best. She did say about seeing me on my working days instead of my off days to get the numbers up sort of thing but I said no I want the other 6-7 days to myself. I said it needs to slow right down and is moving way too fast.

im going to give her 2 weeks and if she oversteps or doesn’t listen during that time I’ll be cutting it off.

id actually love to be her friend (fun and similar hobbies) but I don’t think it would be possible sadly

Good luck with that. Sounds like already she was trying to push for more time.

shes a lesbian I’ve only ever dated one man the rest are women.

”lesbian timing” is definitely a thing!

someone said she’s on her best behaviour which I’m not sure is true, she took drugs on our 2nd date at a bar! Thought she hid it well but it was obvious. She’s said it’s something she does “once in a blue moon” I.e once per year which in all honesty isn’t something that’s ever bothered me I don’t judge people who do. But I think it’s crazy to do it on a second date and it’s 100% (and gives the impression that it’s more frequent I’m not sure I’d waste my “once per year” on a date) something that’s held me back because there’s no way I’m getting into something with someone who frequently takes ketamine. Or someone who tries to conceal it

It gets worse!! And you still aren't breaking up with her? Wow.

She sounds nuts, not lovely. She's suffocating and trampling on your wishes and requests. Not ok.

You told her you wanted to cut back on how much you were seeing her and she agreed and then immediately tried to push for more. OP be prepared that she will not stick to this and you will need to follow up on your idea that, in that 2 week trial, she will not respect your boundaries and your only options will be to be stuck with this limpet or break up. Be ready to break up with her - she isn’t going to change.
Also who the fuck takes ketamine on a second date?! Just why? You literally just said you didn’t want to get involved with someone who takes it and yet, here you are involved and giving her a second chance. Please think about what you actually want here.

If that’s the case, I will be calling it off.

I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a once a year thing, but I don’t believe it is. Time will tell!

I have the massive ick hearing about this woman. How on earth can you stand having her in your life at all? Hell to the no.

I read the thread last night and was going to respond but fell asleep.

It's absolutely impossible to work out why you want to continue with this relationship at all. Yes there are some basic things you like about her - but surely that's true for loads of people, and you don't date them all!

It's clear from each post about her that there are many, many things that absolutely grate on you about her.

And yet you don't seem able to fully let the relationship go....

I hope you don't take offence at this, but in your position I would consider some therapeutic work, to identify why this is - why you feel obliged to remain in some form of relationship with someone it's screamingly obvious you aren't in to.....

Because actually, it's unfair on both of you. Imagine if she saw the thread and the way you speak about her on it! Nobody deserves to be dating someone who thinks of them like that. And you, too, deserve to date someone you are genuinely in to!

OP, raise your standards.

Your overwhelming reluctance to ‘be the bad guy’ and ‘hurt someone’s feelings’ is doing you a massive disservice here.
It is so blindingly obvious that this relationship is a non-starter. You need to stop it, now, and get your life back.

Jaysus. This relationship is dead in the water. My niece started dated someone similar (woman), and she did move in, and they got engaged but she was SUFFOCATING! So insecure, constantly trying to neck my niece in the most inappropriate times (like a “she’s mine”, was so weird). She kept saying “want to end it do you?” Over the slightest thing and eventually my niece said yes. She was shocked but it was done.
Don’t wait for it to get t that stage. All the red flags are there.
Ketamine? WTF

Why are you still persevering?
I’d be out of there pronto!

The reveals get worse. Honestly, all of it plus now ketamine. If you carry on, sorry OP, you deserve all you get.

You can’t seriously keep seeing someone who makes you feel this way and who you have described to us all here as a red flag parade, just because they would make a fun friend.
You said I was being silly when I suggested just cutting to the chase and dumping her. Now having read your updates I’m going to say I think it would be some sort of self-harm if you don’t. I cannot fathom what you’re persevering with this for. For all it’s toxicity and danger, she doesn’t even thrill you.
You have communicated in your OP and all your posts with perfect clarity. But you won’t with her. You write how she’s clearly, clearly trying to mould the dynamics of this relationship, to fit into the ones of her previous relationships and then say ‘oh I dunno I’m kinda confused’ (paraphrasing). Really? Read your own words back.
You’re not going to get what you want from this. She will try to negotiate your terms and then she’ll trample over them when that doesn’t work. She’ll ‘behave’ for a day or two she’ll be back to blowing your phone up and suggesting ways she can spend more time with you. Can you not see that?

She takes ketamine! Dump!