To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

Well they are not very young children are they?
Obviously its not ideal but burying your head in the sand is far worse.

And people justifying two little children having sex at 14 as them being safe, when grown adult women on here are forever having ‘accidental’ pregnancies 🙄

They are NOT two little children.

How is it burying your head if you’re cancelling the holiday and informing the other parent ? Maybe you’re ok with your kids having sex at 14 but most sensible people would have a problem with this. And they are little children when it comes to adult acts of having sex.

Wow you’re fighting really hard to justify why it’s ok for 2 kids of 14yrs to be having sex.

I agree that you need to talk about it with the DD's father, OP. Come to a joint decision.

Going on holiday is not the issue here. You need to face this. He could be prosecuted.

How could he be prosecuted? He's not 16+, they're the same age.

I am completely new here and have never responded/posted anything. I also have a 14 year old son so felt I wanted to respond..

Wondering about whether to go on the holiday or not is totally normal, given that you can't supervise 100% of the time, they are teenagers and will try to cross boundaries. Personally, I would still go on holiday, would speak to the other parent and be completely transparent about it so that reorganising the sleeping arrangments might be possible. I also think at 14, it is a difficult to parent because they are still children but think they are responsible. In my own experience, I have found it hard to parent the way my teenager expects, because that is not always what is right for him.. so in your position, I would communicate that while you want to respect that he doesn't want you to tell her dad, you're his parent not his friend and you have to handle this in an adult way. It's all a learning curve for them, and this is one of those situations where being open, even though it is hard or uncomfortable, is the right thing to do. Maybe try to think about this slightly differently - if this was your friend who found all this out, what would you expect him to do? Let you go on holiday not knowing and hope that he handles it appropriately, or that he was open about it with you and you could both be involved in figuring out what to do?

Also,I think its great that you check his phone and the condom being found is good, your son is aware of safe sex. I agree that at their age it is too young, but again, they are their own people and will do what they want to, no matter what you try to enforce! At least this way you are aware and can try to deal with the situation.

“You should be able to supervise them.”

How are they going to supervise them at nighttime when they (the parents) are asleep for presumably a minimum of six hours, more like 8?

Again, I wasn't snooping on his messages. They were notifications, I don't know how hard that is to understand. I wouldn't allow a sleepover at home even if they were in desperate rooms and a holiday is similar especially as we're all in the same accommodation and we all have our own rooms.

DS just seems so young, he’s only in year 9 she's in year 10 and they go to different schools

I think a large part of him (and probably her) not wanting her dad to know is embarrassment especially as friend takes him places just the two of them like I do with his DD as ds’s dad isn't in his life and he has no uncles etc

There’s no evidence of that. There’s evidence of two kids dating and a corner of a condom wrapper which OP says she believes originated from a sex ed class knowing her DS well as she does.

I periodically check my 14yo DS' phone. It's part of the deal of his having it. I check that he's neither receiving nor sending inappropriate or bullying messages. If I see some language or terminology I don't like, I explain why it's inappropriate. Part of safeguarding, imho.

You obviously need to tell your friend. His daughter is only 14 too. Very unlikely the your son hasn't used the condom from the wrapper. I'd guess the holiday situation will take care of itself after that.

Are you secretly dating your close friend, and you don't want DS dating his DD as that would seem weird?

At 14 I would think it unreasonable to snoop ("check") through his phone. Unless he was poorly behaved or seemed overly anxious you should respect his privacy.

At 14 there's nothing wrong with him dating, including your close friends DD. He's also well within his rights to keep any relationships private from you. Especially as your form for snooping which suggests you would grill him no end about relationships, which is every teens nightmare.

Condom doens't automatically mean sex as others have pointed out, and pretty normal of him to have lied about such an embarrassing topic. He confessed fairly quickly which was a good sign.

I think it's very unfair to cancel the trip. He has probably formed a strong bond with this girl and will be looking forward to the trip. I think it would be cruel to cancel.

I also don't think you're being a good female role model cancelling trip for the outlined reason. It comes across as being jealous of their relationship.

14 is too young for sex! Far too young!

If i was the girls parent and i found this out, and then found out you knew, well quite frankly i cant even begin to describe the wrath id bring down on your head.
Tell the dad. Talk to the 2 KIDS together with the 2 adults. All out on the table. All the facts.
And go from there.
Which i suspect wont be on holidays.
Your son has been sneaky. Doesnt bode well does it.

I don’t think you need to cancel the holiday. Just keep an eye when you’re there. Realistically, if they are dating or doing anything further then you not going on a holiday isn’t going to change that. The only difference is that you’ll have missed out on a nice holiday.

Is the real reason because you are dating the dad, or hoping to date the dad and your kids dating now makes that weird for you? Or is it that you’re concerned that if their relationship does to pot, it’ll ruin the friendship dynamic you have with them? Not saying that to be snarky, those are valid concerns, just trying to work out if that’s the bigger push to keep them separate.

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday.
Your son could very much be telling the truth re the condom. Yes they might be having sex, but it’s also likely he’s telling the truth - They got some at school, it’s very normal to open it up and be curious and see what it’s like.
I think what you have here is a really pinnacle moment to build trust and transparency with your son. Cancelling the holiday shows you have no trust in him to ‘behave’. Be transparent and calmly explain how you feel, what your expectations of him are, what the acceptable boundaries are. And show your happy for him that he’s found a healthy connection with someone, who I presume you like too!
you obviously need to tell her Dad. But I don’t know if I’d bring the condom wrapper up because if they aren’t having sex that could seriously jeopardise all of your relationships moving forward. Speak to your son again, calmly and rationally, make your judgement on it. But could be really embarrassing for him if he was just looking at the one school gave him.
I think you just need to take a step back, breathe, and have a calm conversation where you explain your side and show you trust him moving forward.

Same! They’re 14 years old! Plain wrong

This. Everyone is losing their minds on this thread about something that might not even be happening.

I would talk to him first before cancelling anything.

There are some deranged answers on here; he could be prosecuted, he’s a liar etc
He likely initially denied the condom was his out of embarrassment. Sounds like he has no privacy or agency of his own with mum going through his phone. Instead of nuclear approach which seems to be the MN way, have a calm chat with him and find out just what’s going on.
Cancelling holidays and hysterics won’t help anyone.

I'm not sure about that either but even it were true, there are worse things that can happen without being prosecuted.

I'm thinking about finding themselves as parents/aborting aged 14/15 which would be life changing/life ruining.

After all, we're always reading on this very board about pregnancies happening when condoms are being used.

@Isthateveryonethen
14 is not little children, nobody wants them having sex at 14 but infantilising them isn't healthy either. Very odd attitude.

Sex at 14 isn’t ideal but it seems that it’s probably already happened. If they want to carry on they’ll find a way, holiday or no holiday.

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it’s necessarily been full-on penetrative sex though. Potentially yes, for sure, but not necessarily.

I would be very glad that he’s started his sexual activity with a girl who he knows as a person, and where there’s a family relationship and there can be a level of family supervision and support in a way that’s appropriate to those particular young people. To me this seems far better than some of the alternatives.

An outright ban on the relationship has the potential to make him more secretive about his sexual activity, perhaps turn to exploring pornography, etc.

I think you absolutely do need to talk to the girls father regardless of your DS wishes, perhaps give her a few days to tell him herself but say that you’ll be calling him to discuss things by the weekend. And make a decision about the holiday jointly with her father.

I would agree with those who say that 14 is too young to be having sex. However, realistically, how are you going to stop them? They're living lives in which they have time on their own, they have access to 2 houses which, presumably, they can get to be in at times on their own. If you feel you can't supervise them adequately while you and her father are avaible 24 hours a day, how on earth do you think you can manage when you're home, they're at school and you and the day are working?

So be realistic. The holiday isn't the issue; there is a bigger issue about responsibility and consequences. The kids are too old to be be controlled by 'laying down the law'. You're going to have to manage them through persuasion, through honesty, through increasingly grown-up conversations. You will get nowhere by trying to ban the relationship, by ordering them to do what you want.

Remember what it is like to be in love for the first time, how overwhelming the feelings are and ask yourself what would have persuaded you to practise restraint