To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

I remember getting condoms in class at that age and using them as water balloons at break time. He may not be lying about that. As for the whole “don’t tell her dad” thing - you need to work out if that’s because she’s afraid of him or just embarrassed. Hopefully it’s the latter. Do you think they are actually having sex? 14 is pretty young these days - when I was a kid I know a lot of people who started at 13/14 but that’s not a good thing and I lived in a shithole.

No, they’re both 14. It’s not statutory rape unless one of them is over 16. Unlikely it would be deemed in the public interest to prosecute.

I can't understand the rationale behind cancelling the holiday. You and her dad will be around and will set the ground rules.

You’ve made a big leap there. Didn’t you ever mess about with the free condoms from school, out of curiosity? I did and I don’t have a dick!

OP I wouldn’t rush to cancel the holiday and ban the relationship, you’ll push it further underground. Being calm and allowing him to be open with you is preferable. So what if they are having a teenage relationship? What’s the huge issue with it?

I know its not its sex with a minor which they are both guilty of but this is mumsnet and posters always like to make only the boy culpable in reality the police are not going to prosecute two 14 years olds unless there was some coercion.

The law gives protection from prosecution if both parties are under 16.

I absolutely disagree. Condining sex between 14 year old is is NOT acceptable.

Working with teens my money is on it already happening.

And tbh I hope it has - what pressure to put on a 16 to book a night away and be something special.

How difficult it would be for either of them to change their mind when it has been built up to something far more than it is.

A parent being this involved in a 16 year olds sex life is not healthy. If they need that much involvement from you then they are certainly not ready for sex

Op he’s almost at an age where he’s allowed to have sex. If he’s got consume that’sa HUGE bonus and even more so that he’s opening them and possibly using them. If he’s trying them on his own, that’s good. Is responsible to learn these things. But I wouldn’t be keeping secrets about their relationship. Secrets are where bad things happen. Tell the dad, tell your son you are supporting him and if you all decide to still go, is on the condition that you establish new rules and they stick to them.

Anyone not checking the phone of a 14 yo regularly is highly remiss in their parenting. So much can go wrong for young people that age on smart phones so quickly and they need support to be safe with that. Pretending that's not the case is highly naieve.

I would still go on the holiday op but keep a close eye on them. I'd also speak to the dad so he knows and I'd be having a really clear, open and supportive conversation with your ds about sex, age of consent, other issues around consent, id be explicit that sending nude images to each other would be making IIOC and is a criminal offence etc. If you just shut things down then it will be harder for him to open up to you if things go wrong.

In reality 14 yos do have sex. All you can reasonably do as a parent is ensure they have all the information on how to be safe, fully informed on all the solid reasons why it's better to wait, and to be vigilant with them so you're not providing easy opportunities. But if they're determined they will find a way and it's very possible it's already happening given you found a condom wrapper. So part of the conversation needs to be that if it's already happened they can still press the brakes and slow things down.

They are definitely having sex together.

I wouldn’t cancel but I would insist her dad is told.
Then there’s no secrets and weirdness.

They can probably be supervised much more on holiday than at home tbh.

As for the criticism about checking his phone, every parent of a teen should be doing this. It doesn’t have to be a secret, it should be a condition of having a phone that it will be checked randomly.

“I don't see why the holiday needs to be cancelled, why is sex more likely then than any other time when you are not around?”

Because there’s so much more opportunity when night after night they’re in the same house and parents are fast asleep.

There are ways to manage this if op and the dad are vigilant. They need to think about the room positioning etc and who gets what room etc. Youth leaders etc have to deal with this on every single residential when taking young people that age away.

You can't stop two 14-yr old having sex if they want to. Whether they have sex on holiday is by the by; if they want to they'll be having sex in your home, in her home, in the woods etc. Try and remember what being a horny teenager was like!

All you can do is explain to him about consent and the law and being sensible and how serious the life consequences could be, and be someone that he can trust and talk to without being judged.

He's not going to be prosecuted if he's having consensual sex with a girl his own age.

I would agree that the girl's dad should be told; but she should be encouraged to tell him herself

And then you should all go on holiday together, you should supervise them and have a great time. It should be lovely to see your son happy and openly enjoying his first relationship

Going away as part of a youth group is very different to going away on a family holiday. There are loads more people around to notice, for a start.

No matter how vigilant the parents are, unless they’re going to take shifts sleeping/keeping watch then every night there will be a good few solid hours of opportunity which they wouldn’t have normally.

Well a condom hopefully means that they're being safe, but they will be having sex OP. Firstly you need to tell your friend what (and how) you know and make a decision together about how you go forwards with this.

If it's shared accommodation I'd be quite worried. 14 year olds may be physically mature enough for sex but they're not emotionally and I'd be wanting this put a halt to rather than encouraged. They are still children in the eyes of the law. Let alone morally.

i think supervising a 14 yr olds phone usage is reasonable in this day and age.
Those critisizing supervision will be the first to blame you if something traumatising or tragic ensued .
As for the sneaking into each others rooms,if a 14 yr old are dating and have condoms they probably are going to be sexually active at some point and will find somewhere to do that regardless of wether you go on holiday together.

Surely sneaking around on holiday is manageable if you either share hotel rooms with your DC, or leave your bedroom door open at night at an airbnb so you are woken by noises etc. If you think your 14yo DS is going to have sex while you are sleeping on holiday then it seems he is definitely going to do it on a normal day in the UK anyway. I wouldn’t cancel the holiday, I think that would be a good way to hurt your relationship with your son, show him you don’t trust him, and punish him for having a girlfriend

We don't have Statutory Rape here it's "sexual activity with a child", which technically they are both guilty of, however, as numerous people have pointed out, no-one in this situation is getting prosecuted.

I don't think 14 year olds having sex should be encouraged at all and I'd be clear about this to your DS. If my Mum had asked me out of the blue about a condom at 14 (even 16 or 21 for that matter!) I would have been hugely embarassed and probably denied all knowledge, whether I was having sex or not. I don't think saying "well it's not mine or the cat's!" sounds like a sympathetic approach to an open conversation about teenage sex and it certainly won't keep the lines of communication open between you. Sounds like your DS knew this, hence the secrecy.

Talk to her Father and try and work something sensible out. You've both basically pushed two kids together for their whole lives and are shocked that they have developed feelings for each other? Are you seriously not going to let him out of your sight for 2 years? I suspect you'd have this reaction about the holiday even if they were 16.

They're totally having sex.

I know they're both young, but they're the same age, and at least they're using condoms.

It's hardly the end of the world.

Why would you cancel?

Best thing is to be open and honest with your son and encourage him to be the same with you. Can you remember being 14? For certain he will be thinking about sex and then having it at some point. It’s normal. Much better he can come to you with things, and be in a safe, supportive environment.

I find it sad when parents make it a big deal and then teens have to try and hide.

Keep your son on side, talk to him about safe sex, consent, their ages etc. Much better that way

I agree about not cancelling. You should be able to supervise them. Obviously you need to tell the dad so you can both understand the situation. But I think it's hard to know whether they're having sex or not. I think it's natural for a young person surprised with discovery of a condom to automatically deny it as an immediate impulse. Lots of teenagers are curious about condoms and get them given to them in sex ed class.

Exactly! He’s 14! A child! You shouldn’t be condoning this and more so he needs to be told he is a child and not to get too big for his boots. Sex at 14. You should definitely tell her father as well. These are VERY young children. For a start, that holiday would not be happening.