To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

Why would you cancel? They will do wha th runway regardless at least on holiday you can ensure they are safe

Exactly, you have to be over the age of consent to be considered mature enough to give consent

Total over reaction to want to cancel the holiday! I’m surprised you’re shocked they are a couple to be honest, sounds like they have grown up together and this relationship has happened pretty naturally. It may last forever, might not. I’d enjoy the holiday because next year if they have broken up they probably won’t want one

The could do this at home anyway. All they have to do is sneak off to the park/field/other. Talk to your son about being safe, make sure he has all the information he needs and be there for him to talk to you if he needs too.

if he wants too he will. That’s all I can say

Exactly as long as they both concent. Its also why there are things like sexual heath clinics for teenagers. And why its kept confidential. Why teenagers are taught about safe sex.

💯

I’d still go on the holiday but ensure that they are supervised.

As a mum of a DS age 16, we have had a sex talk at around the same age when he had his first girlfriend. He has a girlfriend now of the same age as him and they too have spoken about having sex. Yes it’s legal now at their ages, yes it’s normal and at the same age I was sexually active. They haven’t done anything yet but he has said he will approach me when he feels it is time - to ask me to get him condoms. He also approaches me to ask me advice with his relationship. He knows the lines of communication are open and not judged (despite some subjects being a bit cringy!) and it’s a very good place to be. I’d rather him be able to ask me anything.

I would urge you to have an open chat with your DS much the same, about sex, make the lines of communication open and help him to feel a bit more normal about talking to you about a very normal thing - a normal thing that will obviously happen once he is over the age of 16.

I wouldn’t put them in a howl room together but I wouldn’t cancel the holiday. I’d be having a conversation about sex and their ages etc. I don’t get why it’s such a shock two dc who grew up together are in a relationship. It’s kind of inevitable. If they’re sleeping together then that needs boundaries put in place.

14 year old is currently pregnant in my DC’s school and it’s very very sad. Just makes you question where the parents were

Seriously, you expect a 14 year old to be monitored by their parents 24/7?

Iv a 14 yr old DS and other ds and I would be cancelling the holiday or booking seperate accommodation.
I wouldn't have an issue dating but
relationships can be intense at that age and I wouldn't want boundaries blurred and etc, especially sharing accommodation.
I think its important for teens to have space.
And sex at 14. No I wouldn't be facilitating this. Too young.

So what if your son gets angry. He is a kid. Your role is to protect him and try to prevent him making huge mistakes, in any way you see fit
14 is not bring a kid. They are starting the transition to becoming an adult.

I work with young people who really struggle with their self esteem with parents who show mo interesting in hearing them and automatically assume the worse of them. The best way to protect a teen is not by taking things away from them but explaining to them the risks. They need to trust your opinion. You are vring very naive if you think young people do find ways to do what they want despite their parents preventive measures. They will always find a way!

Yes it’s legal now at their ages, yes it’s normal and at the same age I was sexually active. They haven’t done anything yet but he has said he will approach me when he feels it is time - to ask me to get him condoms.

Get him to buy his condoms now FFS. Do you really think in the heat of a teenage moment he is going so say 'sorry we need to stop I need to tell my mum and get her to buy me some condoms '

He is 16, he is allowed his own life, it is good that you can talk openly, but you can not control his sex life.

He is no more likely to be prosecuted than her, unless there is an indication that she hasn't given consent.

The CPS and police have clear guidance that they should not normally prosecute consensual activity between young people of a similar age.

No-one is getting prosecuted.

It’s not control. They are both not ready yet and at this age where they both live with parents, they have both agreed that once they are ready they will plan a night away somewhere together with it both being their first time. Both want it to be something special and not a heat of the moment type of thing that ‘just happens’. I know my son, and indeed his very sensible girlfriend.

So is he. It's pretty unlikely that the CPS would think it in the public interest to prosecute two 14 year olds for having sex with each other.

No, you’re right. It’s not a criminal offence for two 14yo to have sex. It becomes one when one of them turns 16 though, and the other one is still under 16. Barmy though that is. And whilst most police forces wouldn’t prosecute, many do, especially if there is a disgruntled parent driving it.

They are both underage - he is no more in the wrong than her. The CPS will not prosecute two 14yos for having consensual sex.

Correct.

No charges would be made unless he was 16 and she was not at legal age. Both being under age would mean no charges would be made.

And so is he. Nothing would happen.

But so is he. So why would he be prosecuted?

Well they would BOTH be guilty of having sex with a minor so could BOTH be prosecuted.

do you want a child that feels they can come to you when they have issues, or do you want a child that feels they cant tell you anything because of your judgment... I know which I would choose, go on holiday or not go on holiday, your choice but your making them feel like romeo and juliet with the world against them... and we all know how that ended.

Who's commiting the rape if both people are underage? It's only classed as that if one is 16 or over.

So ,s he.

Because they’re two fourteen year olds and they’ll find a way no matter what OP does. So the sensible thing is to make sure they’re safe, using reliable contraception and educated about consent.