Page 6 | My neighbour keeps bringing us food - too much?

DuchessofStaffordshire · 05/03/2026 20:52

That sounds lovely!
When we lived on a well known army garrison in Yorkshire we regularly received gifts of food from our neighbours. Freshly made momos from a couple of Nepalese friends always went down well. It was actually a really supportive and friendly community. I actually think we need more of it!

CrowsInMyGarden · 05/03/2026 21:03

Both me and my husband love cooking. We often cook too much and text a single, disabled neighbour to ask if she would like dinner. I never just turn up with it. I’d hate her to feel obliged or that she has to return the favour. I know she never cooks so that wouldn’t happen! I’m just pleased the food isn’t wasted though

Original poster

FlyingPi · 05/03/2026 21:33

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's been so nice to hear all these experiences and it's helped me understand just how common it must be for people from other cultures to do this.
I think I was partly feeling uncomfortable because I felt like it was particular to us but it obviously isn't.
Thanks also to those who've understood my awkwardness and discomfort around this. To be honest I think it's partly because of how I was brought up, raised by a very suspicious person who did not really like anyone or see relationships as anything other than transactional. If anyone, ever family, ever gave us anything it was immediately a case of paying them back with the same value do as not to be beholden.
I guess I haven't been used to the idea of just accepting things from strangers (obviously can accept things from friends). So it's hard for me to sit with this without doing anything.
One thing for sure, there are some shitty neighbours out there so I should be glad of a kind soul. Hope you enjoyed reading the thread.

OP posts:

holdtheline11 · 05/03/2026 21:44

I'm rather jealous! They sound lovely. But I think I'd start feeling the same in terms of frequency. It might be that she likes the human interaction, as well as a cultural thing, and enjoys having good relationship with neighbours. Some people/cultures enjoy being generous in and of itself. And knowing that you'd be there to help in times of need because of this bond. Agree with suggestions of gift for eid etc.

I might maybe also tell her next time something like: 'youre so generous, please let me know what i can do it return, this is feeling a bit imbalanced!!' - in light hearted, friendly way.

But if not it sounds like your kids enjoying it will probably be enough of a pleasure for her.

MissAmbrosia · 05/03/2026 21:53

Embrace it. And speak to them. Say you feel guilty accepting so much when you maybe feel you can't reciprocate so freely but that you really appreciate their offerings. Everyone on MN seems to have such issues with their neighbours and can't answer the door without an appointment.

EndoratheWitch · 06/03/2026 02:28

Asían plumber doing work in my house over a few days had his mum visiting. By the second day, his mum sent me a box of pakoras!

ChocolateAddictAlways · 06/03/2026 08:50

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:21

Yeah, that's the thing - it's the frequency. If it was just once every couple of months I'd feel less awkward and "beholden".

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Hear me out OP, it seems you're making a choice to feel beholden rather than simply accept she's making a nice gesture. As others have said maybe find a way of reciprocating kindness when you can (even if it's not cooking).

These are the type of gestures that forge community bonds. We often complain that nowadays no one knows their neighbours and it's because collectively we have stopped taking the initiative to make these sorts of kind gestures.

Edit: just saw your latest post OP, I think the thread has concluded, sorry for the late response!

Maxstress3 · 06/03/2026 08:57

Hi OP I'm a Pakistani and we have a habit of feeding people whether they come to our house or whether they are neighbours. Honestly we don't evee feel the need for someone to reciprocate and return the favour- we just are really nice Muslim Pakiatani people.

UnaGatita · 06/03/2026 08:59

I used to get this with a grandma of a child I tutored. She spoke no English. I complimented the smell of her cooking once and she gave me food every week! So I used to take her vegetables from my garden, the next week she’d give me something she’d made with them. My elderly dad gives his Turkish neighbours excess fruit and veg, cakes I’ve made etc, they also give him meals. I kind of like it. It’s just finding a way to be reciprocal maybe?

GlomOfNit · 06/03/2026 09:15

peptual · 05/03/2026 19:57

Listen, I’ve not read the replies here but I’m certain a lot of them will be saying “embrace it!” And “they sound wonderful”, etc etc, the problem you have is they have crossed the line. They have crossed the boundary that you feel uncomfortable with. On top of that that have also failed to consider that you might be feeling that way. It’s very easy to think “aww they’re being nice and I don’t want to offend them”, but you know deep down you are uncomfortable and it’s too much for you. It would be for me too, it’s not that you’re unfriendly or you’re awkward, it’s that you wouldn’t put upon another person in that way. This type of person is not lovely and kind, they are nosey and seeing to themselves, they’re doing what they want to do, not what you want them to do.
I know all this because we’ve had 5 years next to an elderly couple who were totally intrusive and made us feel very uncomfortable when we first moved in, buying my son presents, calling out to us whenever they heard us in the garden, running out their front door if they heard us out the front, asking millions of questions, knocking our door every other day. It was way too much.

We started by giving ourselves a ‘busy edge’, not stopping to talk, answering the door and saying ooo I won’t keep you, got to do something etc. It took them aaaaaages and I mean years to clock onto the fact that we didn’t want the type of relationship they wanted. So it got to the point we had to complain, and then they finally backed off, but even now we feel we have to manage them so to speak. If we’re even slightly friendly or chat briefly one day they are onto us again and we have to pull back again. It feels like dealing with needy children tbh! And no they are not lonely they have family and friends nearby.

So anyway, apologies for the long reply but I felt it necessary to help you out to save you years of pain. You need to tell them it’s too much, just say something like “ahh sorry but we need to ask you to stop with the food, we are on a diet and we are cutting out anything with oil in it” (their food will have lots of that in it!).
if they continue to bring the food you need to tell them to direct it somewhere else, you asked them to stop, why aren’t they stopping.
Make small talk with them still, just not quite as much, and try and wean them off of you.
Good luck and step up to sort this out!

How miserable. It's NOTHING like this! If you had been bothered to read the replies you'd see that it's a lovely culturally determined thing, something that maybe some of us would do well to emulate. It's not about charity, it's about community and looking after those who live alongside you. It's not done in expectation of reciprocation, or as you seem to think out of intrusiveness and nosiness - it's done in a spirit of neighbourliness and love.

ThatCyanCat · 06/03/2026 09:21

GlomOfNit · 06/03/2026 09:15

How miserable. It's NOTHING like this! If you had been bothered to read the replies you'd see that it's a lovely culturally determined thing, something that maybe some of us would do well to emulate. It's not about charity, it's about community and looking after those who live alongside you. It's not done in expectation of reciprocation, or as you seem to think out of intrusiveness and nosiness - it's done in a spirit of neighbourliness and love.

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It's not about charity, it's about community

That's exactly it and I do think it's something we are losing in this part of the world today, especially as we live so much online (she wrote on MN, I know). Online communities can be very valuable for many reasons but they can't replace real life ones. Sometimes someone is just doing a nice thing and it isn't an insult that they acknowledged your existence.

Snakebite61 · 06/03/2026 11:55

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:01

We moved into our house a year ago and found that the neighbours were an elderly Asian couple who didn't seem to speak much English. Waved, said hello, that was about it. After six months, their daughter came back as she'd been in Pakistan for a long visit. Well, she came over to introduce herself, very chatty young woman in her 20s, told me unprompted all about her divorce and weight loss surgery. Good to be on civil terms with neighbours, obviously, so that was nice.
Anyway, since then she keeps bringing us food over. Mostly things like bhajis, spring rolls, sometimes cakes or sugar cookies, traditional Asian food I guess (we are not Asian). She says she just always cooks too much (especially since having her stomach stapled!) and enjoys it. But at this point it's now almost every week and I'm feeling kind of odd about it! She just turns up at the door with plates of food and immediately launches into telling us what it is.
The food is nice, not fancy or anything. I don't eat it as usually meat-based but my kid is very happy to scoff free food. We always take the plates back and thank her, but say "oh, you really don't need to" but she kind of waves that away.
She doesn't seem to want anything from us, she's half my age so I don't think she wants to be friends with me particularly (eg never asks me anything about myself).
I absolutely do not want to offend this lady, I think it's partly her personality and partly a cultural thing that is causing her to do this kind thing. The family who we bought the house from were also Asian and had lived here for decades, so I don't know if she was just in the habit of sharing with them.
But AIBU to think that once a week is a bit much? We can make our own meals and it's feeling like a bit of an imposition, like I need to repay her. And I'm sure there are people who might need it more?
Once we were making a dessert so we took them some, but generally I'm not a big baker or anything so I don't really want to start. And it would feel weird to, like, take them half of our dinner, plus I'm not sure if they'd like that food? I was thinking of giving them a card or gift for Eid, but since I don't actually know the family, have no idea what they'd like. I'm guessing they have enough food!
Or is this fairly normal in some communities and I should just continue to accept gratefully and be glad we have pleasant neighbours?

Omg. Do you want to swap houses?
Asian people are famous for being generous with food. I'd be happy as Larry.
But I would treat her to something nice now and again.

peptual · 07/03/2026 13:07

GlomOfNit · 06/03/2026 09:15

How miserable. It's NOTHING like this! If you had been bothered to read the replies you'd see that it's a lovely culturally determined thing, something that maybe some of us would do well to emulate. It's not about charity, it's about community and looking after those who live alongside you. It's not done in expectation of reciprocation, or as you seem to think out of intrusiveness and nosiness - it's done in a spirit of neighbourliness and love.

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Yes but it’s not neighbourly and love if the other person doesn’t want the gifts. Just because someone wants to gift to someone, doesn’t automatically mean that person HAS to feel comfortable with it. I understand there’s cultural differences but I can tell form the OP’s tone (and I have read her responses now), that she’s a mild mannered person who doesn’t want to offend, this was me! The person who felt awkward but secretly inside was bracing myself and tensing for the door to ring, or going outside to get in the car and knowing you’re going to be bothered.
It’s not about the food, it’s not about the generosity, it’s about the fact that someone is continuously giving to another who doesn’t want it. It’s intrusive and it’s not necessary!