To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

Some people will judge you for being a cleaner but they would be wrong to do so. The majority of people would not though.

You are working hard so be kind to yourself.

Nothing wrong with being a cleaner but if you want to do something else with your life, now would be the perfect opportunity to look at courses at the open uni (I know you said you are educated but it might be an idea to retrain in something which fits more around childcare) or maybe jobs in the civil service, they offer great flexible hours and various apprenticeship schemes for all ages.

What you have posted has reminded me of myself in a way... when my son was born I was very embarrassed about my job (call centre work). I worked hard to get another job and some sort of career to make him proud of me. In that time my son has been diagnosed with autism and is completely non verbal. Ironically, I was embarrassed to be doing a job my son will probably never be capable of doing, I would snap your hand off for my son to just be able to talk on the phone, something I completely took for granted and saw it as some sort of failure on my part.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was stop worrying about what people think of you. There are much more important things in life. Best of luck to you :)

A job’s a job. There’s no shame in earning an honest living.
What’s wrong with being a cleaner. No establishment could open up with out them.

You have no shame to bear, you're a survivor, people with half a brain have the upmost respect for cleaners

Those who judge you, they bear their own shame.

So many of us who aren’t cleaners are also not in our dream jobs.

I’m proud of you @Jigglywigglypuff ! 💪🏻

Your children will be proud that you are a person who earns an honest living working hard to take care of your family. Believe me, there are plenty of people who don't, and in fact they are likely to be the ones judging you, but their judgement means nothing. I have also been a cleaner and a single parent (not at the same time) and these things evolve/pass. Hold your head high. I wish you the very best.

I’m so sorry you feel this way and that it’s so hard but I wanted to support you and say - chin up, it’s temporary! You are doing a great job picking yourself up from a difficult situation!

I very much respect my cleaner and all people I know also do but I appreciate there may be some people who don’t, I’m so sorry about that.

don’t yet worry about your kids and school - it is a loooooong time until they start getting remotely interested in what you do professionally and even more until they start getting ashamed. BTW being ashamed of your parents comes for all of us, when they are teens. Regardless of a job!

I admire you OP and I don’t even know you! You’re doing a job that suits your life at the moment . maybe some people are snobby I guess - but I think more likely just burnt out from work / life and don’t have energy for pleasantries. Or introverted. Don’t take it personally. Relationships build slowly.

All of this.

I don’t actually think they will get negative comments but i do think they will realise how badass their mum is when you tell them your full story later.

YABU for being ashamed. A job is a job, and it needs doing.
I can't fucking stand people looking down on others who are just making a living. I have seen some judgemental people on here. If you are in a low paid job like cleaning, you get asked what you are doing to move on from that.
There is a thread running right now where OP is bitching about being quoted £20ph for some one to clean her house, because cleaners "are not professionals" and don't "deserve" that much.

You do you, OP, and good luck with it all.

OP absolutely no judgement from me, I've done the same myself.

Have you ever considered working in a primary school kitchen? Similar pay and amount of cleaning but fits in better with kids and school holidays.

I wish you all the best. My kids are now uni age and both have a really good work ethic because they have watched me work hard.

Would judge people FAR more who are not working and expect the taxpayer to fund them than a cleaner! You are working and supporting your family, that’s how it should be. Being a cleaner is absolutely fine. A job people will always need or want!

Some people can not work, and given the state of the job market right now... there is no shortage of people who want to work, but there simply is not enough jobs.
So I do not think judging non-working people is fair.

Do you enjoy it? I did. I found it satisfying to clean someone else's home and for some homes I created order out of chaos! Crap at doing it in my own home though.

It's my thing I think about returning to at some point. I often watch the posts on 'mothers help ' and hoarder cleaning.

Never be ashamed. I started cleaning when my self employed DH was injured and couldn't work. I was bringing in the money we needed to live whilst working around my kids. That's what you're doing and you should be proud. Now I own my own company and employ almost exclusively mums of school age kids. Hold your head up high. Where there's muck there's brass and lots of it once you get a good client base.

100% this. Absolutely.

OP, you are amazing 💕

Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold

I agree with pps - you are brilliant OP! The ones who should feel shame are those who don’t even acknowledge you. I work in a well known store & the former Area Manager was notorious for completely blanking some members of staff, including the cleaners - absolutely unacceptable. Bet he’d be the first to complain if the shop was dirty!

You said it yourself, you’re a snob. Would you normally look down on somebody who is a cleaner then?

if people are treating you differently maybe it’s because of how you come across. If you’re not happy in yourself you probably aren’t very smiley or friendly so perhaps they are no longer warming to you. Your self worth and self confidence have taken a hit and you need to somehow pump yourself up. Give yourself a good talking to and don’t define yourself by your job. Define yourself as somebody who does a really good job, of whatever it is they do. Are you an excellent cleaner - are you thorough and conscientious and reliable and nice to have around? These are qualities that would make me respect somebody.

Think (make a list) of all your achievements (leaving your ex, finding work, paying bills on time, happy children etc but also small stuff)
Be proud of yourself. If you truly aren’t then try to think of things you can do that will make you feel like you’ve achieved things (e.g. get fit, learn a new hobby/skill, lose weight, declutter your house).

You need to work on your self confidence and be a more outward looking person.

I’m a scientist now, but I cleaned hotel
bedrooms for many years whilst I was at school and uni, and if my job ended tomorrow I wouldn’t hesitate to go back to it if it meant keeping a roof over mine and my sons heads. No one is judging you, but you! You need to be less hard on yourself.

Be proud of yourself for doing whatever work you can to earn money, provide for your kids etc. Be very proud of yourself for taking a job that evokes all those negative feelings to achieve that goal.

You’ll get there - you’re obviously a resourceful person. Be kind to yourself though!

My friend is a cleaner and there’s nothing wrong with it at all!
Infact, she was considered a key worker during Covid.
We need people keeping workspaces, schools and hospitals clean.

Never feel embarrassed about it!

Only snobby twats would judge someone for working as a cleaner. A job doesn't define someone.

Quite right! Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold. My late in-laws' cleaner is still looking after their property and hour away from us, checking boilers and the house for leaks and keeping the place safe until we are allowed to sell it. We hopefully will have it on the market in a couple of months but she is cleaning it ready for sale which is fabulous!

When my neighbour died. Her cleaner was asked to dispose of the lady's personal effects, most of the furniture and clean the house, organise the gardner.

Another neighbour knowing how fond she was of the old lady helped her. There were tears but they did it. Packing up for charities they knew were favourites.

There was a dog which the cleaner adopted.

Some cleaners are treasures.

You’re doing a fab job. As someone said up thread all jobs are of equal value. You’re grafting to give your kids a better life. Hold your head up high, be proud if your work and your kids will be too. And if it really bothers you, take a leaf out of Linkedin and call yourself a director of domestic hygiene consultancy. It’s not untrue.