To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

I’ve got an English Literature degree and I’m a cleaner 😂.

Ive never used my degree due to life circumstances and then being dealt a really shit hand. Being ND doesn’t help either.

I Am also a cleaner at my dds secondary school and never has she said she’s ashamed of me or had her friends say anything either.

A jobs a job and it pays the bills. I would have loved a career and a decent job (tbh I would have chosen a different degree but there we are) but it wasn’t to be.

Some people will treat you like dirt, some are absolutely lovely and others are just meh.

^ This!! Kudos to you for doing what you can - and who cares what job it is - it pays you money and gives you your independence.
DH used to be a cleaner/caretaker for a local school and had teaching staff who were very dismissive of him until the day all the staff had to attend a course run by the local Education Authority. After introducing himself the lecturer asked everyone who they thought was the most important person in the school - all sorts of answers from the head teacher to SEN staff came back. The Lecturer said where's the caretaker? DH put up his hand and the lecturer said that gentleman is the most important person in the school - shocking everyone. He soon pointed out - without DH and his cleaners there would be no school that they could attend - not just because they keep the school clean but because they are responsible for security, maintenance, and a whole of other duties that have to be completed to comply with regulations such as Asbesos, Legionella and meter readings etc - keeping meticulous records and so on before even the head teacher and her staff could step one foot into the school.
So OP you may not be in a school but your clients should have an appreciation of your job because it enables them to have time to do other things or maybe even work themselves. Be proud and positive!

My parents have always had low
paid, working class jobs: factory work, cleaning, bus driving, caring etc. I never judged them for it or felt shame. They taught me and my brother about hard work and we’re both university educated and doing ok now. Sometimes you just need to take the source of income you can get.

That's a ridiculous comment. Indentured service wasn't a thing in the UK. Domestic staff might have been badly paid but they weren't indentured.

Op can I just say cleaning is a skill as I have come across loads of cleaners who don’t do a good job also if your charging correctly you are probably earning more than some people also you have put your dc first some career women don’t do this then have regrets later on in life so right now you have the best of both worlds.

Why are you working for a company? The going rate is £18-20 an hour and you can easily get jobs yourself by doing leaflet drops or using the Next Door app (wouldn't recommend Facebook as too many weirdos).

How would anyone know you're doing cleaning work? I've got to start doing it again soon and I have a degree and if anyone spoke down to me I'd probably tell them and then find another client. My biggest worry is trying to do this with chronic health issues but that's another story :(

I have a degree from Oxbridge. I have also worked as a cleaner. People are multifaceted! I would never judge you for being a cleaner, and those that do aren’t worth bothering with. I would also kill for a good cleaner right now - finding skilled ones is actually really hard, as it is a science and an art.

You are absolutely not a failure! You are awesome! You’ve been through an awful time and you’ve not only survived that, but you are now working really hard to support your family. Anyone who judges you negatively is an arsehole! I judge you - as an amazing mum!

@Jigglywigglypuff the people who do aren’t worth your energy.
why don’t you start your own cleaning business work for yourself. Better money that way ? Might help you feel better.

There’s never shame in working to support yourself and your children.

Good cleaners are hard to find so congrats on providing for your children. I had some weird jobs when I was a student - including being on a chat (aka sex) line so you do whatever job you can do to pay the bills. Good cleaners can pick and choose clients.

There is an episode of everybody loves Raymond that touches on this.

we have a cleaner. I text her every other week after she has cleaned our house to thank her for her had work and making my life so much easier a giving me back the gift of time with my kids.

I absolutely do NOT look down on her; I am so grateful for her skill, attention to detail and reliability. I have no idea why anyone would look down on a cleaner what is different from cleaning a house and servicing a car? Or programming tech? Nothing.

be proud of your job, skills, income, work ethic and role. As you should be.

Huh….I honestly don’t get what is the problem or shameful with being a cleaner????

its not an easy job and it’s very needed in the world

People will judge you but they are not people you should care about. Only completely pathetic loser saddos look down on that

You should hold your head high, you are putting food on the table for yr children, nothing is more admirable than that…you are getting out there and doing it. Well done.

Who’s to say where you’ll be in 2, 3, years time, any number of opportunities may open up to you, right now you are prioritizing your children - and warmest congratulations for that.

You need new clients....we have a cleaner that we thoroughly appreciate. She is offered coffee and we have a 5 min chat when she arrives. Would be longer but I don't want her to stay past her 3 hrs as she won't charge me and she will run over. I have no idea what all the parents at school do. The only ones i know for sure are the ones in the same profession as me and the cool one that works on movie sets! Don't think anyone cares. Just say you are self employed if you are that fussed.

Meh - you are fortunate to physically able to work and have found a job that fits your immediate time / mental load requirements and that ChatGPT can't do instead of you. Take pride in doing a good job, listen to all the audio versions of books you've been meaning to read but never had the time to, get a physical workout, put food on the table for your kids, pay your bills, feel good about yourself and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Cleaning and care work are two of the most valuable jobs you can do and they’re both low paid.

I absolutely love my cleaner, she’s part of the family, and every time she comes and leaves my house cleaner and tidier with no work on my part I am so deeply grateful.

This world cannot function without cleaners.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in being a cleaner! You are doing what you can to support and care for your family. You are offering an essential service and I for one think that is fantastic. Well done you x

Don’t ever be ashamed about doing an honest days work to keep the roof over your head. I got made redundant during lock down and as a single parent I needed a job. As you can imagine there was very little about. I managed to get a job in a supermarket stacking shelves. I met some fantastic people and enjoyed it but it didn’t bring in enough money. I had to keep trying to get a full time better paid job. Which during lockdown was very, very difficult. When I finally managed to get an interview for a job, they wanted to know where I was currently working. When I told them about my supermarket job they praised my resilience and the fact that I’d rolled my sleeves up and done what I needed to do during lockdown was what they liked about me and I got the job!

Ignore other people. You should live your life and do work that suits your child care arrangements. I had a cleaning job in addition to my main job a few years ago as was saving to buy a new house and a few people knew made commented on it. I have never understood people looking down on certain jobs, it's pathetic.

I think I'd be like you because I'm very insecure due to past and ongoing trauma. I'm trying really hard to separate my "real" me from my "job" me.

I hope you can get there.

Both answers are partly right (in no way are you being unreasonable) I admire you for getting out there and trying to fix the shit hand you have been dealt!
Good for you keep going I hope things improve for you and soon.
I know several Mums at the school gate who clean and don’t have a bad thought about them and cleaning, those that do are going to find something not to like anyway so who cares!

I do see where you're coming from. I was a cleaner myself for quite a few years to fit in with my children. I remember one day having to take my child to work (unforeseen circumstances), she was about 10 and she did remark why couldn't they do their own cleaning!! She never was embarrassed by me though, although felt some injustice for me having to do it. It did however fit my lifestyle perfectly at the time and I was happy to do my own thing and generally be my own boss and work my own hours to suit. I am always very polite to waiting staff etc as I've been on the other side but at the end of the day its just a job, a good honest job and nothing to be ashamed of at all.

I think the lesson you are setting for your kids is look, no matter what, you can always get out and start again. Never be afraid to do what you need to do to get through, survive and give yourself a chance even if it may take courage and sacrifice. But that only works if you carry yourself with dignity and pride

My mother has always been a cleaner since I was a child. She is a fantastic cleaner, runs a successful business, earns a decent wage out of it and supported/supports us all even now. She works for some incredibly lovely people who value her as part of their lives and is paid (and given xmas/birthday presents) accordingly. You just need some better employers OP! Your children will be proud of you no matter what you do 🥰