To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

Please hold your head high. You and your job are valid and worthy. Anyone who looks down on you is nasty - that’s on them. These days you can’t (shouldn’t) make assumptions anyway. I am comfortably off - I work part time as a gardener. I am always a bit mucky. I do occasionally have some quite sniffy customers, but I just know they are arseholes and they actually know nothing about me.. The last cleaner who came to my house drove a very expensive Mercedes , I couldn’t afford a car like that.
A separate thing, I really hate when people say MY cleaner or MY gardener - perhaps that is just a me thing though.

My dad always told us growing up that it makes no difference what you do in life, the only important thing is how well you do it. He'd say that, if you want to be a window washer, do it, be the best at it, and you'll be very comfortable financially. He's a millionaire.
We had a cleaner when I was growing up who was so meticulous and hardworking that my parents couldn't bear to let her go despite the fact that she was thieving non-stop! Their solution: they hired someone to stalk her throughout the house as she cleaned. Imagine being that good of a cleaner that someone would still want you to come despite the fact that you were so untrustworthy that someone else had to be paid to watch you! Now think how much she could have earned if she'd been trustworthy.
There's absolutely no shame in being a cleaner. It requires a lot of skills if you're to be time-efficient and perfectionistic.

I know loads of local mums who are cleaners. My cousin did cleaning when her kids were little. It's a brilliant FLEXIBLE job. It just makes good sense.

Don't be ashamed for a second. You're working hard and earning money in a job that allows you to be available for your kids. You should be PROUD.

I would judge you - but I would judge you positively as I think you've been strong and a good mother. You deserve respect for your choices.

Only absolute wankers would judge you negatively for working as a cleaner. I was a cleaner myself for 4 years, and I have a very respectable job now. My mother was a cleaner and I’ve employed cleaners. Don’t be ashamed of doing what you need to do to support yourself and your family. Big hugs to you!

You're not a failure! You're teaching your kids resilience and you're building a new and good future for them.

I'm sorry you've come across clients that don't value you. My cleaner is a saviour. She makes it possible for me to work FT and I really appreciate her. Quite honestly what she does in 3 hours is borderline wizardry and I'd be lost without her.

If the pandemic taught us anything it's that the most important roles are the unglamorous ones. Without them everything falls apart.

Mate, it’s a grafters job. All kudos to you! All the cleaners I know are doing pretty bloody well for themselves

I'm actually more afraid of my cleaner's judgement than she is of mine! I can only imagine how beautiful, neat and clean her home is and then she walks into my hovel!🙈

Cleaners, along with bin men, builders, shop workers, electricians joiners, dinner ladies, etc etc etc are the absolute blood and veins of what keeps a country going! Do not feel and shame about providing such an excuse important service. You should feel the total opposite.

Your kids grow up and will see you as a total hero, and your ex as a worthless piece of shit.

I absoultly know this feeling all too well. I was a senior nurse and the same as you left an abusibe relationship. My eldest was diagnosed with autism and I had to give up work to care for him. I also found a cleaning job that worked around school hours. I felt pretty crap about it at the time too. But ultimatly it gave me some money to ensure the kids had all they needed.
Be kind to yourself, you've had a rough time and your doing all you can to provide for your family. You have every reason to hold your head up high.
As my Son got older and less dependant upon me I returned to Nursing, I've been back 3 years now. You will have other career options as the children get older, it doesn't need to be forever if its not what you want. Focus on one day at a time x

Excuse = extremely

Sounds as though it's you that had issues with people's jobs in the past to even think such things.

Maybe it's karma for being a snob

OTOH good cleaners are like gold dust round here and very popular

😮

I was made redundant many years ago on the day I returned from maternity leave. We’d just moved into a big house we were renovating and had a massive mortgage.

I did several cleaning jobs that fitted around my eldest daughter’s preschool hours, piece work in the evenings and a job in a show home at weekends. No, not my dream life and I did eventually work my way back up the career ladder, but if anyone had judged me it would have said more about them than me.

Not acknowledging you to say a polite hello is the height of bad manners.

Don’t take it to heart, the shame is on them.

You will get there 💐

What would you prefer people to say?

I kind of understand what you mean about being called 'my gardener' & feeling a bit off about it, but even more so with cleaners than gardeners, what's any better without it being a complete mouthful?

'The person that's self employed who I adore & pay to clean my home for me (or garden for me)' is just too much if a mouthful. My cleaner/gardener doesn't mean I feel like I iwn them or anything...

@Jigglywigglypuff all work is honourable! I finally got a cleaner recently. She has just given up her office job because she was mentally taking the job home with her.

She is a delight. She does a great job and makes my life easier.

Anyone who looks down on someone for the reasons you’ve described isn’t worth any of your headspace.

Don’t be ashamed of your job - you’ll be teaching your kids to have a work ethic.

Best of luck to you 🙂

I’m sorry you’ve been through such a tough time.

Please step away from the shame. Cleaners work hard and are in demand- there is no reason to be ashamed. I’d be ashamed if I was an arms dealer or a hedge fund manager. Otherwise, I don’t see any jobs as shameful.

I had a good upbringing and I have a degree. My work is teaching exercise classes and Home Help for Age Uk (mostly cleaning).

Most of the friends I grew up with have amazing careers and six figure salaries. That hasn’t happened for me for a number of reasons (lack of confidence, lack of ambition, ADHD, having my kids quite young…)

I’m still friends with many of those high-achieving friends I grew up with. They don’t seem to be judging me for what I do. I don’t earn very much but what I earn is enough. Most importantly, I am GOOD at the work I do and I really enjoy it. I think that’s all that matters. At my age of life (late 40s) if I met someone who looked down their nose at the type of work I do, I think I’d laugh very loudly in their face and then resolve to stay well away from them because I don’t want to associate with people like that.

If you hate cleaning and want something different, then you can work your way towards that when you have the opportunity. But in and of itself, there is absolutely nothing wrong with working as a cleaner.

This. I said to "my " hairdresser that I could recommend my cleaner as she was brilliant ( still gutted she moved out of the area)

Is saying my hairdresser wrong also

Hi OP your storey sounds a lot like mine. Abusive ex, becoming a single parent, building life from scratch and also missing what was a privileged family life.

I really recommend getting into deep cleaning and being self employed rather than working for a business.

I know what you mean I had two women today laughing at me watching me get my cleaning products into my car and one asked am I a cleaner and did ‘ I have fun’ mocking me. I felt like shit but I’m making this life work I’ve trained in it and became self employed and some weeks making 2k or more in deep cleans that fit around the school run. That job today where two women thought it was nice to make fun of me was a quick job of 3 hrs before another client and I made £125. The were on their break probably in a job they hate to be picking on someone.

Cleaning has stigma unfortunately but like many labour jobs they can actually be pretty lucrative as it’s often the jobs people don’t want to do that have the most work.

Believe in yourself OP.

I've done cleaning....used to love it. And the families I cleaned for were sad to see me go.

Good for you, you're working, it doesn't matter what job you do, as long as it's all above board.
You're also allowing your customers time to do other things instead of them having to spend their time cleaning.

I knew of, and include myself in this, many mum's that did cleaning jobs around their DC while they were at school, perfect fit, although I never once felt looked down on by those I cleaned for.

You're showing your DC a work ethic.

If I was a cleaner, I think I would find your post thoroughly offensive. What on earth is wrong with being a cleaner?

My mum was a cleaner for a bit after my parents divorced and she was left with a crappy solicitor who failed to get her anything at all. I would have been about 9 at the time. Like you, she was from a more middle-class background and had worked a very white-collar job before having us. I don't remember every feeling any shame about it, none of my friends ever commented on it (not sure if they knew), and I quite enjoyed going to some of the fancy houses to help on half term. As an adult I am very proud of her for doing what she had to do and just gritting her teeth and getting on with it - even when having to deal with the men's toilets in the pub...

No shame in being a cleaner!! They do a vital job. I have done cleaning jobs in that past. I hated it, not because I think its beneath me, Im just a lazy bugger 🤣
Hold your head high OP you are working and earning money 😊