To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

People who judge you for working are not worth worrying about, it’s proper honest work and very much needed. You can also earn good money if you are self employed, cleaners here cost £20 an hour minimum, often far more. If you want to stretch what you do to be really helpful, advertise as a cleaner/home help, so it’s so needed and you can charge a bit more an hour too, so many people are looking for this service for their relatives (cleaning, shopping, sheets changed, help with paperwork sometimes, and keeping an eye)

Be proud you are working and providing for your kids

I know several cleaners as friends and tbh it’s hard work cleaning. A physical work out and strenuous

I would never look down on them for that they do

thy graft and work hard

and if anyone looks down on you do your job then they are not friends

I lost my office job during Covid, couldn’t find another so turned to cleaning. I honestly don’t care who knows. I actually prefer it to office work. My friend started her own cleaning business and she’s thriving.

Ofcourse you are right. I have found myself saying ridiculous long-winded things like ‘ the lovely person who does some cleaning’ or ‘ this is Jo, who helps with the cleaning’ - I could never bring myself to say ‘ this is Jo - my cleaner’ - it sounds like they are your ‘staff’ rather than helping you out.
I think I know too many people who use MY cleaner to boost their own status.

I'm sorry you encountered such awful
oeople, but thankfully you sound quite resilient & self assured, so I hope you weren't too affected by their nasty behaviour!!

Apologies if I'm echoing.

How people respond (or don't) to you says more about them. You're earning your own money, and singlehandedly parenting two young ones. There is not a person on this earth who is above you or below you.

I would never judge anyone for their job but I do judge people who don't work & are able to. It's great you've found a job that works around your children & their needs & I am sure they benefit from that. I think you need to focus on the example you are setting for your children now & in the future, they have a hard working mum doing it all by herself & paying her way in life, brilliant & I am sure they will learn from the example you set & be hardworking & contributing to society. Good luck x

This with bells on. You are rebuilding your life. Fucking amazing work. Walk with total pride. You rock!

OP you are inspirational and should be so proud of yourself. As for the person/people who cannot even greet you...words fail me. When I was working we loved and valued our office cleaner, aside from being excellent at her job she great to chat with, all the teams who shared the work space liked her and treated her with the respect she deserved. I would be useless as a cleaner, I can spend ages cleaning my home but it never has that "gleam" that a good cleaner manages, all power to you and I hope you end up running your own business.

I would judge you - incredibly well. I’d be so impressed that you’re putting your pride aside doing whatever it takes to provide for your family.
i completely understand where you’re coming from and your feelings are completely valid. I hope that your able to find a role you’re happier in soon, but til then, feel proud of yourself for keeping things afloat. One day they’ll be proud of you for this. You’re not defined by you’re job, you’re defined by who you are as a person x

I have no time for job snobbery. None at all. If you work, you work.

Hi op well done for starting again you got your kids away from an abusive home and your status might have changed for now but I think people forget cleaning is hard graft that is why most of these people who have cleaners don’t do the job themselves because it’s bloody hard. Op also your self employed which is brave and takes guts you are having a blip which you will move on from this is a temporary thing your future isn’t bleak and when you feel any shame just tell yourself your a single mother working hard to provide for your dc and you should be proud of yourself the people you work for are no better than you. I wish you well in your future.

No it’s not wrong, but neither is saying my plumber or my window cleaner. I’m not saying ‘my cleaner’ is wrong or bad - I’m just saying that I find it difficult. Maybe it is because these roles were once indentured service.

or you can think of it in a different way..

came out of a bad relationship, working hard to ensure your children do not go with out.

Also cleaners can make £15-£20 and it offers flexibility which are good factors.

Be proud and grateful not ashamed or embarrassed. You are teaching your children a valuable lesson and although you feel people are looking down on you I'm sure most people aren't really interested in what job you are doing and will think it's brilliant your working and being a good role model for your children.

You are being unreasonable and incredibly nasty. It shows your attitude towards working class jobs and people, you think they are beneath you. You assume people are judging you because you would judge them.

Most people will not judge you - and if they do, that's their problem for being snobby judgmental arses. Hopefully this will teach you a lesson: cleaning is a very valuable job to society, and it can't be replaced by AI or robots.

By the way, many of my friends mum's were cleaners, and nobody ever, ever judged them. It's a normal grown up's job and it wouldn't have occurred to any of us to think anything of it.

People who judge others by the nature of their work are arseholes and not worth your energy.
I think its highly commendable to have started up your own business from scratch and are actually making money from it!
It takes balls to start up again business on your own. You should be very proud of the fine example you are setting for your children

I think attitudes have changed a bit since you were a kid. People now realise that working around your kids and having a job with flexibility, especially as a single parent is the sign of someone doing the best they can in difficult circumstances and putting their children's best interests first.

I only wish there was more judging of the exes who walk away but we are starting to see a shift in attitude there too.

OP you are doing a great job and your kids are so lucky to have you

@Jigglywigglypuff hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I applaud you for leaving an abusive relationship and starting again from scratch.

When having doubts, always remember why you are doing this, for yourself and for your kids.

Do you / did you judge others for cleaning?
Do you move in circles where people look down their noses at cleaners?

You’ve left an abusive relationship, are raising two young children, and have found a job that fits around their care while they settle into nursery.

For me you are a hero, not a failure.

Cleaning is important work. Plenty of people who employ cleaners couldn’t keep their own lives running without them. If some of your clients can’t even manage a basic hello, that reflects on them, not you.

I say it gently but you might be projecting a bit about the children being ashamed. Most kids are far more interested in what their friends are bringing for lunch or what they’re doing at the weekend than their parents’ jobs. And if anything, the story they’ll eventually understand is that their mum left a bad situation and worked hard to give them a stable life.

You're doing an incredible job.

Hmm. I've very rarely needed to introduce the cleaner/gardener or whoever to anyone (just not there at the same time) but when I have had to I've always just used their name & (as you said) something like 'he/she keeps the house clean while I wrangle the kids/am tied to my desk!

I was thinking more when they weren't present, & more so in writing like on here

Honestly OP you shouldn’t be ashamed. You’re working to support your family. There will always be horrid opinionated people. Focus on you and your family and ignore anyone being negative. Those type of people always have something to say.

There is value in hard work no matter what the work is

This absolutely!

How dare you be ashamed of earning a living?

You have to stop caring what idiot people think of you and of anything.

Be proud of yourself. You’re out there working and earning.

This.

Love my cleaner she's better and faster than me. She had a high power career. Had 30 year pension. Felt burnt out.

She's so sought after and if a client is snotty, rude or she gets bad vibes just won't go back.

@Jigglywigglypuff build a reputation and become more selective about your clients.