To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

I know how you feel.
Over the Christmas period I took on a second job working in a supermarket to give me some extra money. I enjoyed the job very much but did feel self-conscious that people would judge me for this. Especially people I seen that I hadn't seen in many years. I am no way ultra successful but I am proud of what I have achieved in my life. However being a single parent trying to provide as best as I can for my family can be hard work. I sent out to earn enough money to put towards a holiday for me and my kids and I have done this so I am happy with what I done

Try for a Civil Service WFH job. A lot of them say 60% office attendance but it isn’t widely enforced in my experience. I’ve been in 3 times in the last 6 months. You can ask for term time hours/part time/compressed hours. It’s great.

I want to be honest and say that people will judge you, but they can get to fuck.

They don't know your story and it's one to be proud of.

The great thing about your life experience is that you know that you deserve respect, and that you are not your job. And in future when you're doing better financially, you will always remain kind.

Keep going, op ❤️

To be honest, I think this is more about you than anyone else. You & your friends used to talk about other parents jobs (undoubtedly critically) & now you are having to face up to your own unpleasant judgements.

your children are both still really young (well done for leaving when you did 🌷 & giving them a much better start in life! Don't ever doubt that's what you have done). I thinks it's good while they are both so young to work around nursery hours, but is there anything you could do from home after they have gone to bed to keep you up to date with your previous occupation.

is moving to another area where you could start again less bothered by people you know.

good cleaners are worth their weight in gold, it's your own view of people who clean that's the problem.

You have a job that gives you freedom and independence.

I went through 12 years of private school with a close family member working as a cleaner. I was never ashamed of them. Never. If anyone else judged me for it, they never said anything, and if they had I would have given them an earful.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about in working to support your family in the way that works best for your current circumstances.

You are honestly a prime example of someone children should be proud of. You have found yourself in very very difficult circumstances- you have two children to provide for and very restricted hours in which you can work. You are working not relying on benefits (no shame in that and I’m glad they’re there when needed) but you should feel so much pride for what you’re doing. I’m not saying that as platitudes - I’m a “middle class” parent, I wouldn’t judge you. We are all perfectly capable of finding ourselves in your circumstances through loss of job/ relationship breakdown.

do your work with your head held high and if you want to change job before your children start school then you can. What are your qualifications and what role would you want?

it’s also admirable you won’t palm them off with someone they don’t know and want them to feel safe and secure. You’re an excellent mother, in tough circumstances, be proud of yourself.

If anyone judges it should be them that’s ashamed!

Will your DC be going to a state school? I think it's very unlikely that they will be judged for you being a cleaner if they are. I went to a state school and my mum was a waitress, there was never any judgement. No one cared what jobs the parents were doing unless it was something exciting. I had friends whose parents worked in IT, teachers, police officers, retail, childcare. The only ones that got talked about was the dad who was a police officer and the dad who worked in IT and had an apple PC which was pretty impressive to us in the 90s!

Daft question alert!

where is the best place to look for these jobs?

Thank you for this. I seriously appreciate everybody's comments and am overwhelmed with the support, really didnt expect it! But im glad you agreed in a way as it did make me feel validated. My mum worked as a cleaner when I was younger and was suspended once for stealing, which she did not do. They found out who really did and she was brought back in as normal, no apology. Its things like this that make me hold this opinion, as well as friends berating me for her job when I was younger. I am so proud of her now but yes its not the most glamorous of jobs! But a job none the less. Think my really low self-esteem just gets the better of me sometimes. Thank you x

OP, you are amazing.
Escaping an abusive relationship and putting your children first.
Working to support your children in working hours that suit their current needs.
I have friends who are cleaners and friends who are professors and I value them equally.
I am proud to say that my mum was a cleaner.
Hold your head up high OP you have every right to

Do you know how much having someone who cleans my house improves my life! I love it after she has been, genuinely it makes me smile. You’re probably worth your weight in gold to someone. Thank you for doing what you do.

A few of the mums in the village I live in clean as it fits around the childcare.
I think you’re smashing it by picking yourself up and setting such a good example to your children.
Also, this isn’t forever and you can consider your options once things are a bit more settled. Alternatively, business may boom and you could have your own little empire!
Good luck and take care

I’ve always loved my cleaners and thought they were brilliant. Kudos to you for working and supporting your kids. Chin up, no one can make you feel small. If they judge they are not worthy of your time or efforts. Sadly you will get some idiot employers who think they’re better than you but that is their problem.

They will, but it is a state school in a highly middle class area. The one they will be going to is very difficult to get into, they are very selective. Eldest already accepted. All of the parents that are sending their kids there have very highly paid careers, which is where my concern stems from.

An apple pc in the 90s?? He was living in the future. Strangely, my friend's mum was a waitress when I was much much younger and I always thought of it as such a fancy job back then, haha.

Same. She’s brilliant and very very efficient. I wouldn’t cope well without her and I tell her so frequently. You are an example to your children and if I had ever heard one of mine say anything derogatory about any job I would have been down on them like a ton of bricks.
Go you!

@Jigglywigglypuff

I did mine in the evening for similar reasons. They’re teenagers now, they’re all doing incredibly well. I put a lot of time into them and worked jobs that enabled me the luxury of time, attention etc and it’s paid off. Three well balanced humble kids. I’ve since moved on, got a degree and a different job and it feels a million years ago since I did that job.

I have noticed that our office cleaner mostly gets ignored. It seems unkind and I admit I have to force myself to say hello, and thank you for your work. I think part of the reason is a kind of guilt which I suspect we have because cleaners confront us with the fact that we are a structured, hierarchical and unequal society and so we prefer to just past. Maybe what you are getting sometimes isn’t judgement OP, but just the guilt and cowardice of those who don’t want to look at these facts.

Your story is similar to my mum's. I 🤔 no she's wondering woman. Raising kids alone is so hard. Well done for doing what you need to. There is no shame in being a cleaner.

Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind!

In the society we live in, everyone gets judged.
Stay at home mums get judged by working mums.
Mums who work long hours get judged by mums who work part time hours.
Mums who work part time hours get judged by mums who work full time.
I work in a very hierarchical system; healthcare assistants get judged by registered nurses. Registered nurses get judged by GPs. GPs get judged by hospital doctors.
Traffic wardens get judged.
Estate Agents get judged.
Teachers get judged.
Lawyers get judged.
Bin men get judged.
Builders get judged.
What I'm saying is, Everyone judges everyone else all the time.
So, you might get judged for being a cleaner. So what.
I get judged by many, many professionals for being a registered nurse; I've had many people patronise and pity me for my occupation, or who have asked me if I'm a nurse because I didn't do well at school (I'm degree educated). I've been in polite company and had people shuffle with embarrassment when I've told them my occupation.
People make ignorant assumptions and judgments all the time. It's the world we live in, unfortunately.
So if you feel like someone is genuinely judging you for being a cleaner, what you've got to do is laugh to yourself about their pathetic ignorance and feel really proud of yourself for knowing you're nothing like they are. Hold your head up high, revel in the fact that not only did you LTB but you're now working to earn yourself some independence and have been clever enough and astute enough to work out a job you can do that fits around your DC. For that, you should be applauding yourself, not worrying about the pathetic judgement of others!
You go girl. You're a fighter. Look at what you're doing. You left an abusive husband so that you can ensure a safer life for you and your DC. That is brilliant role modelling. Be proud of this. Be proud of what you're achieving. Be proud that you're making a happier, better life for you and your DC. Be proud that you're doing this alone! Be proud of your resourcefulness. Be proud of your courage, your resilience.
This is an 'at the moment' situation until DC are older, and you're making it work for you.
That is brilliant and clever.
Stay strong. Stand tall. Be proud of yourself.
Never ever let the shallow judgement of others pull you down.

I got back into work after a break by being a cleaner (holiday cottages) and working at the local pub, kitchen, bar and weekend cleaning. I'm graduate educated and worked at that level before. (As I do now, but only part time because I'm ancient.) Not one of my friends said or thought anything that I was aware of except, 'Good for you,' The kids didn't blink, and the only effect it has had is that now they know how to leave a holiday cottage in a decent state and why it matters.
Good for you. I bet you wouldn't judge anyone and no one worth bothering about would judge you.

You are doing what you need to, to keep your children safe in an abuse-free home and keep a roof over your head and food on the table. If you were my friend or indeed my cleaner (don’t have one, but if I did) I would be so proud of you and say hi to you every time I saw you.
I had a big downshift in income after divorce, had to claim benefits for the first time in my life and worked in a minimum wage job for the first time in over 20 years too. Like you I’d lived in a nice house, with a nice income and a comfortable life. I now have to watch every penny and don’t have luxuries. But you know what? I’m proud of surviving, of providing for my kids and re-building my life. Eveything I have I earned. Theres a lot of satisfaction in that.
You are an amazing woman and mum. Hold your head up high.

They are jealous. You are working, I'll bet you don't have debts you cannot afford, cars etc on lease, not living above your means. I've been a cleaner when mine were young, DH was on shift, the job fitted in perfectly.

No shame in any job. The people ignoring you probably have all sorts of financial issues. We lived in an area of Hampshire/Surrey and the saying was "Fur coat, empty fridge, no knickers"!

I was also a part-time cleaner when it was just me and ds1. One of my clients actually had daughters at the same private school that I had attended. Not going to lie- that made me feel a bit shit.

No-one of any worth, whose opinions are worth listening to, is going to think poorly of you for being a cleaner. You shouldn't either.

'Those who mind, don't matter; those who matter, don't mind'.

As an aside, at the age of 57, I'm now going to become a PCSO. Some people hate them, too. I don't care about their opinions either.