To be ashamed of becoming a cleaner

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I recently began a cleaning job, on a self-employed basis working for a larger company. For context, I am from a middle-class background; was married to my ex for 6 years and had 2 beautiful children. He became very abusive towards me after the second was born and I left him. Since then, I have not been in work due to having to care for youngest alone, with no-one to support me whatsoever. She is now settling into nursery and I began cleaning as the hours in this job were the only job I could find that worked around the hours that she is currently doing at nursery, as well as pick-up and drop-off times.

However, I have now gone from living this comfortable middle class life style to being at rock bottom with no job and no money. I am building my life up from the ground and feel ashamed to be a cleaner. I am cleaning houses of people in the area and already feel the way they look at me and treat me as a cleaner is just poor. Not that they need to be my nest friend, but a basic 'hello', would be nice. Sometimes there is no acknowledgement at all. Some of these people I know (of) from seeing in the park, shops, nirsery, etc. This, I can handle, though it is a bit shit.

What bothers me more than anything is to think what it will be like for my kids once they and their friends learn my job. They are not of such an age yet, but when they are I fear that they will face criticism and shame for it. I know I'm being a complete wally in worrying about this now, I just dread to think if I'm still doing this when my eldest starts school that this might eventually happen. Me and my friends used to discuss parents careers and so on, so I image they still would now.

Once both of my children are doing the same school hours, I plan to get a different job. I have experience in other fields and I am educated, but as explained, none of the roles I qualify for fit my hours.

I read recommendations online that suggest hiring a childminder for before/after nursery, but my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know, and it took/is taking the longest time for them to settle at nursery even.

I just feel like an utter failure. I'm trying to build a better future for me and my kids, free from abuse. I just can't help but be a complete snob and think others are going to shame me, and eventually my children for working this job. I know this is the case as I feel it already from clients, as I have said. In the future I hope to be in a stable job with a steady income, completely independent. It is just entirely frustrating having to wait so long to achieve that.

Aibu?

Yes - no-one will judge you / who cares

No - people will judge you, but you have to do what is best for you and your family

Would just like to thank everybody that has commented so very much. I would love to reply to everbody as there are some really great comments here! But i am exhausted after thinking myself into a frenzy about this, apologies. I am taken aback by the amount of honest and true support from you all that its made me quite emotional. I was never expecting this, so thank you!

I recently wrote a bit about this in a separate comment, but I think my insecurity stems from being heckled for my own mother being a cleaner when I was in school. When I said in my OP that me and my friends would discuss our parents careers, we weren't mocking them, the only one that did get mocked was my own mother for being a cleaner. I feel my mum was also ashamed of it which has formed my current opinion. In my old job I was really great friends with the cleaning team, they were some of the nicest people at that place. But I saw how others treated them, or otherwise acted like they didn't exist and that is my concern.

Would like to add that the suggestion of starting my own business in cleaning is actually a very exciting idea! I think once I get some more experience, it might actually be something I would enjoy doing. I would love to help out other people looking for flexible hours with a decent wage, too, and building my own empire!

I guess I was just getting at the fact that being a cleaner is nobody's dream job, and was scared that when my DC are at school and get a bit older, and theyre all discussing their prospective careers, I/my kids will be mocked for my job of choice.

But I think the general consensus is that everyone understands people do this for the money and to put food on the table. Just wish snobbery didnt exist but hey ho, thats life. My low self-esteem definitely gets the better of me sometimes and I find myself needing a lot of reassurance after escaping the DA and DV. Thank you so much again to everybody thats commented, the positive and negative opinions, as I was hoping to gauge both, and now have.

Love always 💖

I could have written your post 5 years ago. I too went from a comfortable middle class lifestyle to having almost nothing (post messy non married breakup), and having 3 kids to support.

I went from having a cleaner to being a cleaner for the exact same reasons as you, and yes I hated it too. I hated the fact that I was spending my days cleaning other people pubes off their toilet for £12.50 an hour. And I’m embarrassed to admit, I there was a element of shame; my mum friends all had professional jobs, but it wasn’t just the job, it was shame that the questionable choices I’d made (in terms of choice of partner, having children without being married) had landed me in this situation.

However, my kids were older than yours (8,10 and 12), and I promise you, they gave no shits about the status of my new job. It just wasn’t an issue. They were supportive and proud of me, and still talk about it now. It felt more like a team effort, and they never mentioned what their friends might think, it just didn’t come up. So try not to worry about that.

Anyway, it was a means to an end, and I did it because I had to, and there was no other option at the time. Alongside cleaning I did a course to retrain, and am now self employed doing a job I love and earning a decent salary. Hang in there. You’re doing what you need to do right now, and it won’t be forever. No one will think badly of you; they’ll more likely be impressed by your drive to do what is necessary. And if they do think badly, that says more about them than you!

1 - Nothing wrong with being a cleaner. Don't know why you would think there is.
2 - It is a gig, and it pays. Result.
3 - It isn't where you're from, it's where you're at.
4 - Fuck other people's opinions. People are the biggest idiots there are.
5 - Providing for your family. Result.

My mum was a care assistant for old people. A job which is minimum wage & generally looked down on.

I was so amazingly proud of her for looking after old people who had nobody else to help them!

All roles in life have equal value. It’s only the pay that varies.

Cleaners earn much more than minimum wage around here the good ones charge quite a bit of money nothing to be ashamed about at all!!!

Aw I love this comment. So proud of you for managing ti save for a holiday for your kids! Wish I could do that as well but alsofacing eviction so no chance of that happening, lol.

Its so incredibly difficult as a single parent. Working twice as hard for half as much and its draining. You sound incredible and im looking up to you right now. Thanks so much for this, enjoy your holiday!

This was like a breath of fresh air to ready honestly. Thanks so much for this, feels like you really relate and get it. Its so shit at the start right? I keep telling myself its just the start so its going to feel rubbish but I'll get used to it. I also plan to retrain once I have more time when theyre both in school. And good your DC didnt judge you! Thats so reassuring to hear tbh, I just seriously dont want this falling back on them.

You sound like you did an incredible job in the situation you were in, and im inspired to carry on because of it, truthfully. Better times have to be coming. This is all just for now. You are a living example. Thank you ❤️

OP, hold your head up. My mum and dad married young. He worked and she raised the kids. When they grew up they realized they were ill suited. Mum asked dad to give her a year to learn how to work and budget and everything. She started at the bottom. I remember her working at a dry cleaners, she baby sat, worked in various shops. As a kid, apparently - I don't recall this, I felt down about the lack of money, my dance lessons were cut, my clothes were the cheapest, Mum made her own work clothes. Mum was fiercely independent and Dad was clueless, so she and I lived in what she could scrape together by working all the hours she could find. I didn't get it as a kid, but as an adult I'm incredibly proud of her and what she achieved. She taught me so much. It's easy to say it, but it really is about how you live your ethics and values.

With kindness, you need to get over yourself. It's just a job, and what you need to do to get by, times are hard for everyone. My dad once delivered pizza for 6 months after a redundancy, and then went into another senior management job without worrying what people thought of him, he had rent to pay and kids to feed!
I got chatting with a cleaning lady at work, and she told me that there is a shortage of reliable staff, she's never out of work and is starting her own company to keep up with demand, she's putting her son through uni with her hard work, and likes being busy.
You're doing very well x

@Jigglywigglypuff

If this helps… my parents moved from South Wales to the South of England when the mines closed - no jobs. My dad was lucky to grab a job in West Sussex so we all relocated. My mum was a SAHM with me and pregnant with my sister. We escaped one economic collapse to run into another one under Thatcher. My parents’ mortgage trebled… my dad was already working long days, so my mum had to look for jobs around childcare. She did stints at the local playgroup, cleaned the school and the local church hall, and then in the evening pulled pints at the local pub.

And I will tell you what it gave me as a kid - a thorough understanding of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and doing any job going is the best foundation for being a resilient person. My parents never hid their troubles from us and we all then pitched in. I had a newspaper round at 13. I’m 47 now! Don’t know where it all went wrong with my sister because she’s a nightmare! But honestly, the respect I have for my parents is immense. And your kids will feel the same. You’re doing a damn fine job - you really and truly are.

Cleaning is a vital, skilled and dignified profession. It is bloody hard graft and I take my hat off to you! Genuinely!

A good cleaning lady is like a gold dust - we’ve been unable to find one since our last one retired. We cherished her and we would never let her go if it wasn’t her own decision.

Would you be able to work for yourself? The money would be much better and I don’t think you’d be short of clients - a few of my friends have excellent cleaners who have no space to take us on.

You said “my kids would absolutely loathe that. They are very uncomfortable around people they don't know”

You are uncomfortable being a cleaner, it’s not what you envisioned or are qualified to do and no amount of reassurance that it’s a perfectly fine job for this season of your life will help with that.

But at the end of the day, you’re trading your own discomfort for your kids’. You’re putting yourself outside your comfort zone so you can put their happiness first. I don’t think that makes you a failure, I think it makes you a successful parent and a brilliant human.

Well not ALL jobs. I used to know someone who was an engineer for a bomb company - she was literally contributing towards murdering children in Ukraine.

Much better to be a cleaner though, at least you are making a real contribution - and good cleaners are hard to come by.

Some of the nicest people I have known are cleaners ... get a grip, get over your silly prejudices and crack on with life ... know your worth and charge appropriately.

This comment nails it!

You are an excellent role model to your children. You left an abusive relationship. That is no mean feat! You are working hard to provide for them and you are doing a job that is just as valuable as many others.

Sod what anyone else thinks. Be proud that you are a strong independent woman and bloody brilliant.

No - you should be proud that you are so determined to get back on track. Please don’t feel ashamed as there is no need to be.
My mum was a cleaner and she was treated pretty well I think. I have a cleaner and I think I treat her (and the ones before) very well.
I wouldn’t dream of treating her poorly, when I make her a drink we chat about our families etc.
In fact one of my cleaners at work became a good friend and we would meet for coffee now and again.
Hold your head up and continue to do a good job.

Be proud that youre working. Good for you ! You never know, you may find a way to expand and get a helper and grow it into a business in due course as you sound like someone whos keen to work. There will always be a need for cleaners as more and more both adults in a household work. Good cleaners are cherished ....you could also diversify into organising/decluttering help. Look through youtube...plenty of examples. Can work around school hours. Good luck !!

@Jigglywigglypuff

you should definitely look at working for yourself. It's much more lucrative than being self employed under an agency.

I'm in Hampshire & the Nextdoor (app) area I'm in has lots of cleaners (self employed & looking for others to join them) I'd rather pay a cleaner direct than go through an agent.

I don't know how to word this, but as a person who has become disabled overnight I could do with some help at home. Not personal care, but not just a cleaner that comes in to an empty house & cleans it. I want someone who is happy to 'help' with random things like changing my bed (mainly putting the duvet cover on, or maybe putting a couple of (light) boxes in a top shelf (because I have vertigo and stepping on even a small step isn't a good idea) Now the difficult part to say/write, I'd like someone where the verbal exchange is easy.

if there was someone advertising locally whose advert was written in good conversational (not book perfect) English & seemed happy to 'help'/be flexible re the job id call them immediately.

a nice photo is good too. Some of them are more like adverts for only fans 🙇🏻‍♀️

What those people don't see is your strength and courage. They fail to realise that they are all only one divorce, mistake or catastrophe from being in your shoes. So please don't give a second thought to what others think of you. Be proud of yourself for instilling real values in your children through grit and determination. It will get better.

All jobs are valuable. Cleaning is an essential skill.

You should be proud that you’re providing for your Dc, and you should also be proud that you have escaped your abusive ex. Well done! You’re clearly a strong, resourceful woman.

Please don’t be ashamed. There is no need to. And it’s up to you to bring your dc up to accept that all jobs are valuable, and not to be snobs.

💐

There is no shame in honest work. You're worried about being judged because you're judging yourself; you are ashamed of yourself for being a "lowly" cleaner. Don't be. If you are smart, you will take this as an opportunity to learn the truth about people. The ones who treat you with respect are the ones worthy of respect. The ones who look down on you are betraying their own moral shortcomings. Your children will not be ashamed of you if you are not ashamed of yourself.

My friend makes more through cleaning than I do, no shame there at all!
She has found some great jobs cleaning for Air B&B hosts, she said there was some sort of app where jobs pop up and you can accept or not (sounded a bit like Uber or Deliveroo!), maybe look into that for a boost too.

In my nearly 60 years of marriage I’ve had four cleaning ladies. As each retired they recommended the next to me. We have remained friends. I know their children and grandchildren. I have been fortunate in my life and I hope I have helped them . My present lady will probably retire when her state pension kicks in but has said she will continue to come for coffee. She checks up on us by email. 😁 when she’s on holiday.

The people who judge you for being a cleaner, are the same people that would judge you if you didn’t work at all, if you worked a high flying job in the city, or anything in between. Their opinions don’t matter. But you also can’t do anything to change their thoughts. All you can do is whatever is best for you & your family. It is honestly incredibly freeing when you stop worrying about what other people might think x