Why is it that being an introvert is viewed as a bad thing?

[Parmaviolets101]

I’m very much an introvert.

I think all through my youth I tried to fight against it because it wasn’t really cool to be introvert.

I do very much enjoy company but I don’t like big gatherings, I much prefer meeting people one on one so that you can actually enjoy a good quality conversation. I am quite happy being alone as I need a the time to recharge.

I like quiet activities, walking, cinema, going for coffee, museums, site-seeing.

I still feel as though if you don’t enjoy parties, drinking, dancing, going out in big groups then you are looked down on as being boring and a bit weird.

Also, another thing that fascinates me is that they say that extroverts recharge by being with other people. If you are an extrovert, do you find being alone draining in the same way that I would find being with people too much draining?

Im currently reading a book called quiet by susan cain. Its American and goes into the history of the start of corporate america when people moved from small rural towns to big cities and the impact that and advertising has had on selling extrovertism as the preferential personality type. It also talks a lot about many studies that have been done around the benefits that introvertism. Its very interesting.

Unfortunately the world is still built around extrovertism being preferential and I don't see that changing in my lifetime but it is helping me embrace and appreciate my introvert ways.

I still feel as though if you don’t enjoy parties, drinking, dancing, going out in big groups then you are looked down on as being boring and a bit weird.

That isn't my perception at all.
I do like parties, but I have quite a few very lovely friends who don't. There is no 'looking down' on them. We meet for lunch or a coffee, or something else 1:1. Everyone is different. I have lots of friends who enjoy doing things I don't enjoy. That's fine - they do those with other people who enjoy those, and do things with me that we both enjoy doing together.

My dh is an extrovert who recharges his batteries by being with people. If he was alone all day I don’t think he’d find it draining, but he does crave conversation and company.

I am much more like you op. I think extrovertism often goes hand in hand with charisma, which could be a reason they’re popular. When my dh tells a story, people listen.

I think it's because people have no clue as to what you are thinking or feeling.

I love introverts but what I don’t like is people who actually do turn up to social events and then expect you to do make all the conversation while they don’t offer up an iota of interest back in return.

Not sure if they’re introverts but they’re annoying. Stay home if you aren’t in the mood to socialise.

It’s news to me that being an introvert is seen as a bad thing.

How old are you? I’m early 30’s and there’s no way you’d be judged for not liking going out to parties, bars or drinking… perhaps 18 year olds might be different but I can’t imagine most adults get judged for that.

I think sometimes introverts can also be shy, (not all introverts are shy) and can come across rude or quiet around others when in reality they don’t mean to be - and sometimes that is deemed weird…

Extroverts can be judged too as being too loud, too many friends, too busy, etc so I really wouldn’t worry about irrelevant opinions x

Introverts are the new extroverts...you just don't know it because you are all too busy hiding from people 😆

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert of course but I find it very weird that some people seem to think it defines them and, like vegans and menopausal women, seem to have the need to announce it up front. Why do I need to know?

In answer to your question OP, I am a massive extrovert and I love nothing more than a big get-together. I have many friends but I usually spend at least one weekend day on my own and I love the solitude. I'm not sure I hold with the "social battery" theory although I do have moments when I'm sick of people so maybe it's that. (I've also discovered the joy of going to the theatre alone although I'm equally happy going with someone else).

It takes all sorts.
Every common personality type must be useful. That's evolution. Trick is to learn to be happy with who you are ... and if anyone in your formative years made you feel lesser, then have therapy, because they were wrong.

I know what you mean.

I think though for me it’s like if I invited someone for a walk or to go swimming it’s socially acceptable for someone to say that they don’t like walking or swimming.

But I don’t feel like it’s socially acceptable to say that I don’t like parties. That might just be my experience but I’ve found people will generally say things like “oh don’t be boring”, or “you’ll enjoy it once you’re there”, or “learn to live a little”.

I had no idea that being an introvert was seen as a bad thing (introvert here!). By whom?

This.
Who says that being an introvert is a bad thing? I reject your premise.
Maybe you just haven't found "your tribe" yet. There are plenty of people around (including me) who prefer one-on-one and quiet activities.

There's nothing wrong with being a massive extrovert of course but I find it very weird that you seem to think it defines you and, like vegans and menopausal women, you have come on here to announce it up front. Why do we need to know?

Why do you assume people who tell you they're introverts are doing so because they think it defines them? They're probably trying to contextualise their behaviour for you and to explain that if they don't want to chat for ages it's about them, not you. So you don't think they're being rude.

OP YANBU, I think it's obvious to anyone who doesn't particularly like parties or large group events or long periods of socialisation that that tends to be received as a bit weird or sad by the people around them. Some of that is maybe lack of empathy, and cultural conditioning. But having houseshared with an extrovert who wanted to flood me with talk whenever we both got back from work - which I could barely stand and would basically nod until I could get out of the room - I think that for extroverts, introverts may also just come across as a bit rude and unfriendly, and not interacting in the way they would prefer. Maybe we make them feel a bit rejected, and so they respond by rejecting us?

I think I have experienced this on the other side as well - I have a couple of friends who like to socialise a bit but I think quickly get tired, and they can become quite standoffish and irritable once they've reached their social limit (which is probably also how I came across to my housemate), and yeah, it's not very nice actually to be on the receiving end of. Personally I'd prefer it if someone just said 'look I'm an introvert and I need to be alone now for a bit, it's not personal to you'.

It's not seen as a bad thing at all, quite the reverse. It's extremely fashionable at the moment to claim to be an "introvert".

I have some introvert tendencies myself so I totally understand the need to retreat now and then but its so often being misapplied, so "being an introvert" is used to justify what is properly called misanthropy and / or anxiety. They are not the same thing at all.

But you can barely log on here without finding a post from someone who claims to "hate people" because they are an "introvert" or they don't want to have to wave to someone in the street or occasionally attend a social event because they are an "introvert".

And like @CharlotteStreetW1 I am baffled by the fact that people are so keen to be defined by it as if it were a personality type. It feels like a combination of superiority and special pleading.

Be an introvert if you want. Most of us don't really care if you want a chill weekend and don't want to go to the pub. Just don't turn it into your entire brand.

It's not seen as a bad thing at all, quite the reverse. It's extremely fashionable at the moment to claim to be an "introvert".

Be an introvert if you want. Most of us don't really care if you want a chill weekend and don't want to go to the pub. Just don't turn it into your entire brand.

Yeah I mean the palpable hostility in your final paragraph is not really supporting the claims of your first. Though it's terribly broad-minded of you to give other people permission to have a chill weekend!

@CaragianettE

Yeah I mean the palpable hostility in your final paragraph is not really supporting the claims of your first. Though it's terribly broad-minded of you to give other people permission to have a chill weekend!

I have no hostility towards introverts, as I said before I have introvert tendencies myself. I'm just tired of endlessly reading about how they are both superior and somehow discriminated against and that people who like to socialise are attention seekers and empty vessels bla bla bla.

It’s not seen as bad on the whole. I think people try to “fix” introverts and bring them out of their shell. Oh you should be more outgoing, and all that rubbish.

Same here.
On mumsnet being an extrovert is looked down upon.

However, most "introverts" on introvert vs extrovert threads aren't really introverts. They tend to be socially anxious people or people who just dislike mixing with other people.

I would say I am in between. I love socialising and find it easy to talk to other people, but I also enjoy alone time.

Yeah I completely agree with this, I hate parties and big gatherings, always have done but even more so now. I love meeting friends one to one or as couples but nothing more than that, I feel very uncomfortable and I feel like I’m just done with that feeling now, I just don’t want to do it anymore. But I feel like people take it personally that I don’t want to go to their party even if I give a good excuse and don’t just say because I don’t want to. I feel like if you care about the person you’re expected to go or it’s a slight on them. I’m already dreading my parents big anniversary as they want a big family party and I know I’m going to hate it. They know me and know I hate parties but they’ll expect me to go and act all hurt if I say I don’t want to! They wouldn’t expect me to do something they know I hate in other circumstances so why is a party different?? But somehow it is and that feels unfair.

I’m an introvert who does love parties as I like dancing. It’s just people’s company I don’t crave very much 🤣

As I’ve got older I wonder if I am actually an introvert or I just don’t like people droning on and on about themselves and generally being boring and annoying 🤣

Anyway, carry on as your are OP. Introverts are awesome.

I think this is really it. Introverts are seen as shy and lacking in confidence but a lot of them are neither. They usually have a richer and more complex inner life as they look inwards a lot more than extroverts do, so a lot of introverts are really quite fascinating if you get close enough to them. I think both and everyone in between are an asset, life would be pretty dull if we couldn’t be ourselves.

How do you know that they're expecting you to do all the talking or don't want to be there? I like socialising but sometimes I find certain people too much for me, I'd never say it to them as I think it would be nasty to say it and they should just be who they are. Some people are too loud for me, they talk too fast and it's overwhelming and doesn't give me a chance to get a word in edgeways, the energy can be too bouncy for me. It can give me anxiety and leave my brain frazzled and I can freeze and not know how to act. I do want to socialise when I go to an event and I do have good back and forth conversation with people who have a similar energy to me, but now and again someone comes along who is too much for me. I have zero expectation for them to make all the conversation, if they can't chill for a minute so I can process what they said and respond I'd rather they didn't talk to me.

This is what I was thinking.

It's almost a badge of honour on Mumsnet.

I've never quite understood why being either one or the other is so important to some posters.

@2468who I agree. Anything up to 4-5 people is good for me. I absolutely hate things like weddings, big birthday celebrations and even funerals. The older I get the easier I get overwhelmed.