Can’t bear to admit in real life but I am so sad about this (children)

[Greehst]

I have one ds. His dad left me when pregnant but was in ds’s life consistently. Ex is a very difficult man and if he’s not with ds he’s at work. Very obsessed with work. I just explain this for context to say there’s no chance he would have another with me and obviously I wouldn’t want that either.

i’m 40 next week and ds is 4. I always wanted a large family, there is some grief there. I would also love a daughter even though I am close with ds I would have loved to share other things in life with a daughter, just being able
connect with being a woman and sharing that side of life. Of course I know no guarantees with that even if I did have another.

But it’s not just about having a girl, I’d be delighted to be a mum to another boy too. I’ve dated over the last couple of years but after what ex did to me I struggle so much with forming a full relationship as i have become lazy with it and I suppose quite selfish. I love having the house to myself when ds is in bed. I can’t imagine sharing those things but then I also do crave that typical family unit and wonder if I would be motivated if it was the right person?

Regardless, I’m now almost 40 and it’s highly unlikely I will now be a mother again to another child. I feel so sad about it. I had my fertility checked and it’s ok on that front at the moment but I feel like having another with a man who isn’t ds’s dad is also rubbish for ds… pregnancy is risky as you get older and there would be another man in his life he would need to adjust to (my new hypothetical partner).

I just feel so mixed up and sad. Ds has everything at the moment, nice holidays, will
go to private school, we can afford all classes or extra curricular things. I try and focus on this as one of the positives to having one but deep down it’s not how I feel. Money and material
things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?

You could have another on your own. It sounds like you could afford it and you could buy in help during the early hectic years.

If you’re financially secure, have one on your own. A lifetime of ‘what if’ is madness if you’re a great parent and able to offer security and love to another child. There’s a growing community of solo by choice mums, look into it.

@Mauro711 i have looked at this but feel so conflicted as one ds would have a dad in his life and the other child wouldn’t. I also feel anxious about being solely responsible

I'm an only child and I'm fairly sure my mum isn't lonely - she has a nice, busy life of her own. I see her every other month, ish, and we email most days. And there's no reason to think a son wouldn't be in contact - we live nearer my partner's mum than mine, and see her at least once a week.

But if you truly just want another child, it sounds like you could afford to do it alone? I wouldn't leap into a relationship with someone else, doing it alone would be simpler in some respects if you can afford help.

@BelleEpoque27 thats lovely to hear. I feel it would be unfair on another not to have a dad in their life when ds does. I would also feel anxious about the responsibility alone

i know you say you wouldn’t want to but what about asking DSs DF? Not together but so you already have the relationship and no issues for different dads. I don’t know if that’s a really stupid suggestion?

I would otherwise go it alone. No other dad, a donor or similar.

I have one DS and can relate to lots of your post. It took me 5 years to get pregnant and I so wished I’d started younger (somehow!), but I also wish I’d been more mindful of the risks of being an older mum. (DS is profoundly autistic, disabled and in specialist school). Not trying to put you off having another, but go in with your eyes open as an older mother.

Realistically, I couldn’t have coped with another child because of DS’ difficulties and in your position I would be concerned about the impact a child with AN would have on my existing lovely DS.

Single mother of 4 now grown kids. Dad's were worse than useless and the kids don't rate them(I never said anything to think this they decided for themselves)..
I have always had a decent but not well paid job. They are all amazing, I think it's easier alone in a lot of respects no interference or resentment. I would have definitely done it alone in your situation. I was 38 with my youngest, I wouldn't change a thing.

Honestly don’t waste your life pining for this hypothetical second child. Enjoy the son you have. Boys can grow up so close to their mums when they’re only children and you’ll have such fun with him ( at least until about 14!!

I have no kids (not by choice) and am widowed but would not say I am lonely. I would strongly counsel you NOT to rely on children to avoid loneliness. I'd also say is unfair to have children so as not to be lonely. Having said that, one of the symptoms of perimenopause in early 40's for me was great sadness over being childless, as though my hormones were nagging me. In reality, I never particularly wanted children and was never particularly concerned about being childless so a bit of me could know this was hormonal and not the real me. Its a very personal thing and totally your decision, I would just urge you to be sure that this is a wish from your head and not from your hormones.

I see your point about one child having a dad and one not. It could be an issue or not. It's hard to know what will affect children. I think sometimes it can be easier on your own so I wouldn't be be as worried about that side of it, if you truly think the practicalities through. It sounds like money wouldn't be the issue.

Plenty of women have healthy children at 40 so it is still possible but I think you need to make a decision soon. You don't want to panic at 43 and wish you'd done it.

In life you often have to chose one path and forgo the other one. It does make you wonder "what if" but this happens to everyone in life. You just need to accept your decision and try not to dwell on it.

Have you considered long term fostering?
It sounds like you have love to give another child.
Something to think about perhaps.

Its OK to feel sad about the things in life we would have liked but can't have. Most of us have this in one way or another, be it not having parents, or siblings, or our dream job, the perfect relationship, financial security, good health.
The important thing is we don't let the idea of perfect ruin good. We play the cards we're dealt, changing what we can, accepting what we can't, and finding joy in what we have.
That's not to trivialise your sadness, but given it can't be changed, it needs to be accepted. Don't waste the life you have hankering for the one you don't.

I am a single parent and i can categorically state that being a single mother is far far easier than coparenting in a relationship or with a arsehole ex! I’ve done both and found doing it on my own preferable. I would do it alone in your situation because ime we regret most the things we didn’t do than the things we did!

It sounds like you should explore the single mother by choice option via sperm donation. I know of a couple of people in my life (one I'm close to, the other is someone I know through a family member) who have done this as single women. I know at least 3 lesbian couples who have had much wanted children through sperm donation too. There is a lot of advice and support out there for people who wish to pursue this journey into parenthood and I think it's so much better than potentially rushing a relationship in the hope of having a child. Especially as there are no issues with your fertility, this is absolutely the route I would choose.

I know you've said you'd be happy with a boy, but I'd really question what your yearning for a daughter really means. Will you be disappointed if she's not a girly girl or if she doesn't want to be your bestie? How would that make your son feel? Children aren't a cure for loneliness and they shouldn't be your surrogate friends. If they want to spend time with you and be your mate, that's great but it shouldn't be an expectation, we've got to support and nurture them into being whoever they want to be, not who we want them to be. I'm not saying that's what you're doing here but I've had similar conversations in real life with friends who've said they want daughters so they can be close and I'm like "do you think my children love me less or mean less to me because they're boys?" of course they don't, it's just trying to dig into WHY people have a preference and what that says about their expectations and predictions around what a girl or boy should act like or enjoy doing.

You sound happy to be on your own, or maybe in a slower relationship where you won't sacrifice your creature comforts just to make space for a man. Good for you! Sounds dreamy. And you're right, if you do meet someone you truly love and feel at home with, you'll make it work. But it's great that you recognise that you don't want to disturb your peace or unsettle your son for the sake of having some guy in your life to potentially create a baby you want. But who will also still be a whole human being in your life forever and ever.

Can you afford to provide the same holidays and education for another child that's great but you said in your post "we can afford" does that mean your ex pays half the holidays, clubs and school fee's? It would be bloody awful if one child had less than the other. It is also awful for one child to have a father in their life and for the other child not to have a father around.

Fostering? Adoption? Sperm donation?

You have options

@SolarSystemmm i feel it would be unfair to have ds with his dad but a second not have a dad

I don't think one having a dad would be as much of an issue as you think it is, because children are pretty adaptable, especially if they haven't known any different. I know families where children have different dads but only one is really present, and also where the dad of one child has died.
Boys can be very close to their mums though, I believe it has more to do with personality than gender.

Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned.

This sentence really stood out to me and I wonder if this is the key thing deep down. It's so hard when you imagined life one way and despite the fact you did your best it hasn't come to fruition. It feels particularly unfair when you had pretty normal wants from life, and are surrounded at the school gates by families of exactly the type you envisaged for yourself.

I don't think it's as simple as looking for ways to have another child because whilst you could do that, it still won't be the big happy family, as you acknowledge having a child on your own at this point would come with a raft of complications.

I think it's kind of a grieving process for the life you thought you'd have and it sounds like you need to firstly accept that hasn't happened, but then also think about what you want your life to be like instead, there are still lots of interesting and enjoyable lives you could lead from here, just not the one you always imagined.

Why? Children grow up in all sorts of different situations and a child who you adopted/had via sperm donor would know they were with you because you desperately wanted them, so much so you didn’t wait for a life partner.

Why don't you suggest the idea to your son's dad ? You never know what he is thinking, it sounds like he's loving having one, maybe he wants another ? Its not too late

I’ve been struggling with infertility and am going through ivf with my partner now, having met him a few years ago aged 36. In retrospect I’d definitely have got pregnant quicker had I gone with doner sperm rather than looking for a male partner as they are younger, healthier sperm.

I’d seriously consider the donor route if you’re currently single and definitely want a biological child. It could take a few cycles aged 40, and even then it isn’t guaranteed. The sooner you start the better when it comes to ivf outcomes.

"Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned."

I seriously don't know anyone whose life went how they had planned.

I think your worrying about the wrong thing. My mother had the same ideals as you but as you say life doesn't always go as planned.
For example of my four siblings none of us share the same father, there's a 20 year gap between oldest and youngest and the first of us grew up with less financial security than the later siblings, some have a relationship with their father and some don't but despite it we all enjoyed our childhoods, we adjusted to our stepfather with little issue and have since grown into successful adults, we all get along well and are happy with our lives and family.

One thing you said concerns me a bit, you have put a heavy burden on your child's shoulders with the expectation that he keep you from loneliness in later life, that's not his responsibility and a big family is no guarantee of company or fulfilment. It's entirely on you to create and maintain community and fulfilment for yourself, it's not a job of children.
When my mother became an empty nester she used the free time as an opportunity to get more involved in her community and create new friendships and hobbies. Even if she had no children or husband she would not be lonely.

If you want more children you have them now, don't wait around for the 'perfect man' because you may not meet him for many years yet.

Let goes of your idea of what you think your life should look like and create the life you want instead.