Can’t bear to admit in real life but I am so sad about this (children)

[Greehst]

I have one ds. His dad left me when pregnant but was in ds’s life consistently. Ex is a very difficult man and if he’s not with ds he’s at work. Very obsessed with work. I just explain this for context to say there’s no chance he would have another with me and obviously I wouldn’t want that either.

i’m 40 next week and ds is 4. I always wanted a large family, there is some grief there. I would also love a daughter even though I am close with ds I would have loved to share other things in life with a daughter, just being able
connect with being a woman and sharing that side of life. Of course I know no guarantees with that even if I did have another.

But it’s not just about having a girl, I’d be delighted to be a mum to another boy too. I’ve dated over the last couple of years but after what ex did to me I struggle so much with forming a full relationship as i have become lazy with it and I suppose quite selfish. I love having the house to myself when ds is in bed. I can’t imagine sharing those things but then I also do crave that typical family unit and wonder if I would be motivated if it was the right person?

Regardless, I’m now almost 40 and it’s highly unlikely I will now be a mother again to another child. I feel so sad about it. I had my fertility checked and it’s ok on that front at the moment but I feel like having another with a man who isn’t ds’s dad is also rubbish for ds… pregnancy is risky as you get older and there would be another man in his life he would need to adjust to (my new hypothetical partner).

I just feel so mixed up and sad. Ds has everything at the moment, nice holidays, will
go to private school, we can afford all classes or extra curricular things. I try and focus on this as one of the positives to having one but deep down it’s not how I feel. Money and material
things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?

Not quite the same, but you might find listening to Emma Barnetts Ready to Talk from 9th January useful. It includes grieving the life you thought you'd have, re children, allowing yourself that and moving on when that's right for you

I agree.
..............

For the record, op, I have only one child, 47 this year, and am not lonely. Rarely think about it. Life is what you make it, the important thing is that your son has a good life, plenty of friends, an interesting career.

Later on you can have fun and pursue your interests, you'll have freedom. Having a child to stave off loneliness is very needy and we cannot, should not, depend on our children anyway, that is not fair.

The only occasional thought I have is that when I'm gone, my child will have no relatives to speak of. However that is how life dished it up and it has been pretty good on the whole.

Let's count our blessings, some people cannot have children and what they want most in the world is a child - we have that.

Life didn't go how I planned it as I have two children who have additional needs. DH and I are exhausted.

Please be careful what you wish for.

Life is what you make it. I don’t see why you’d be lonely. I was always the mum happy to help out so often had extra friends of dd around, sleepovers and parties.
Volunteered with her activities and still do girlguiding, you could volunteer at squirrels (scouts) with ds.
Work ft.
Now she’s at uni we speak regularly and I visit. Welcome her friends here.

I’m younger but I feel you. I married young and always longed for a large family. Was divorced at 25. I have two beautiful ds who I love to eternity but I would have loved more, especially a girl.

I’ve came to the conclusion that it will never happen. I have my youngest ds full time so no chance of dating or entering a relationship.

The majority of my exs (even the ugly ones) have been cheats so I give up now. I’ve came to peace with the fact and no longer want to meet anyone.

If you really want to expand your family, do it now if possible. Sperm donor may be something to consider but not sure how it works.

This is me...except i'm now 44 with a 9 year old. I agonised over having fertility treatment to have a second baby and decided not to. If i am honest my heart still feels sad and I am having counselling to come to terms with it. Such a tough situation and I really feel for you OP xxx

DH is an only and PIL have a lovely life, FIL isn't DHs bio dad either, so it doesn't mean you won't meet someone longer term. I don't think children are there so we're not lonely later in life, you might have 5 DC and they all emigrate

Have one on your own. As you have seen with DS he doesn’t have two parents together. Honestly I would seriously do it alone. I did it - twice, one had a father not involved (left me when pregnant despite being engaged and wanting marriage) got married and had another child and it imploded at 11 months after my baby. Then on my own until my son was 7. I’m in my 50s but if I was 40 and DH hadn’t of had a vasectomy we absolutely would have had another. I don’t think of it often and I’m very lucky he treats both of my children as his own and so does his family. But in your case I 100% would / do you have a friend willing to be a sperm donor or go to a clinic / do it!

I have one and perhaps wanted second but the way my child is, I am almost sure I will be in her life very close until I depart planet earth

I would caution about going it alone. I think your instinct is right-one sibling would have a father, the other wouldn’t. Would it be fair to deliberately bring a child into the world who would be lacking a parent in contrast to his/her sibling? Because you feel sad that your imagined life didn’t pan out like you thought? Even if you did decide to do this, it still wouldn’t be like your imagined life. Being a parent to several kids in a marriage is very different to being alone. Just because we can do things doesn’t mean we should. Is it possible to focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t? Your child sounds as if they will have a great life-parents who love him and who can afford to give them all the material things they need.

Personally I think that would be awful to deliberately choose that. I have two children (single mother) and I would rather have had just one than give one a father and the other not.

My life didn’t go as planned either (I had it in my head we were going to be a perfect family of four, but I was very wrong). I do sometimes think about how disappointing it is that it didn’t happen but I don’t dwell on it because it does no good.

I can understand your feelings. Life took you in a different direction to how you thought it would go. There is a "grieving"/acceptance process to go through.

Maybe you can frame your mind to focus on what you have gained rather than lost? I'm a mum to 3 DC and I love them immensely but am sometimes jealous of single DC families who aren't juggling multiple children's needs and wants. Some weekends I can only keep 1 of my 3 happy with what we have going on and the other 2 moan at me and the best I can hope for is I'm fair about rotating which one is cross! (Don't think I'm not grateful for my 3 DC , I am!)

Actually pretty much everyone I know with one child tends to have a closer relationship than parents with lots of kids, so it's definitely not true that you're less likely to be lonely. I'm ure that isn't always the case, and that someone here with ten siblings will say they're all close, but with everyone I can think of off the top of my head, it's true.

Life rarely goes exactly as we planned, wanted, hoped or dreamed, though, does it?
If you want another child(ren) the only thing stopping you beside your own health and financial stability and security is you. You could proactively date being up front you want more children in the very near future and hope you find a suitable partner/life partner, or use a sperm donor via a medical clinic. The alternative is to accept what you have and make peace with it. It is all within your own ability at this point.

I think you need to accept that this is where you are in life and either accept it, recognising the lucky position you are in, or throw caution to the wind with another partner snd/or child and risk other problems down the line, perhaps men problems, mixed family problems, financial etc.

Im one of 7 siblings snd we were not close at all growing up. It was everyone for him or herself.

I had some similar feelings regarding not having a daughter but in a very different situation. I did also grieve the life I thought I had planned and believed I wanted. It hurt for a long time.

Many years down the line from my horrendous time with divorce and OW and all sorts - I am now married to a fantastic guy and have a step-daughter who is rapidly becoming my best friend! I could never have imagined this 10 years ago, but I hope for you that you stay positive, take each new day and it comes and you never know what's round the corner. (Even though I do know how hard this bit is and I feel for you!)

If that's the only reason, it's worth considering that the children would be minimum 5 years apart, possibly more. Children with bigger gaps tend to compare less because they aren't peers in the same way - the younger wouldn't be interested in the activities the older was doing with his dad, which would reduce the likelihood of jealousy.

OP im saying this sympathetically - but remember that so many people feel life didn't turn out how they want.

I have two children - just as I wanted - and im happily married - BUT - life has not turned out how I thought because one of my kids has SEn and is unable to cope at school, I can't work, I'm a constant battle trying to get her help, I cry a lot!

I often think - this is not what I thoguth life would be

I'm not saying this to in any way downplay your emotions - being a single parent is really hard.

But - even people who get the tick box number of children, or the happy family - will have their dreams of what could have been

we all need to try and be happy with what we have in the end..

Have you considered either post-birth adoption or embryo adoption?

I only heard of the latter during my last cycle of IVF, which worked.

If I'd known about it sooner I would have definitely gone for that instead of putting my body and finances through treatment myself.

You can also choose the sex.

But have a child for the right reasons. I was an only child myself and desperate to give my son a sibling, which happened when he was 11.

He didn't give a crap about having a sibling and never had any time for his brother.

Also don't do it for someone to be around when you're old. Plenty of old people in nursing homes had lots of children yet nobody comes to see them.

Also, re siblings I have two kids who barely speak to each other - have absolutely nothing in common and have never played together (boy and a girl, zero shared interests). I feel like I have two only children tbh.

@Greehst I think you just have to ok with life not going as planned, as it happens to us all. My best friend is happily married yet can't have kids. My other friend has had cancer for such a long time. I had kids with a workaholic, abusive man, who although has dealt with a lot of his demons, doesnt really have much interest in our kids (we arent together) so its just me alone with them doing everything. I often find myself feeling sad about the latter but I realise one cant have everything and although I have low points, I just think these are my cards.

If you are financially secure, don't want the fair points you mention regarding a new man and relationship, want a girl, why not think of adopting?

It'll be a mountain of hoops, challenges and so on, but it's a viable way to build you family.

Having another child with a man never guarantees they will remain in their life. They could leave and have zero contact so a sperm donor would be a guaranteed outcome

Oh good Lord you get over yourself! Like people have had to do since time immemorial. Would have liked X. Got Y. See the benefits. Move on.
You're not the only one but honestly, what can you do except deal with it and move on?
Stiff upper lips much underrated these days.