Can’t bear to admit in real life but I am so sad about this (children)

[Greehst]

I have one ds. His dad left me when pregnant but was in ds’s life consistently. Ex is a very difficult man and if he’s not with ds he’s at work. Very obsessed with work. I just explain this for context to say there’s no chance he would have another with me and obviously I wouldn’t want that either.

i’m 40 next week and ds is 4. I always wanted a large family, there is some grief there. I would also love a daughter even though I am close with ds I would have loved to share other things in life with a daughter, just being able
connect with being a woman and sharing that side of life. Of course I know no guarantees with that even if I did have another.

But it’s not just about having a girl, I’d be delighted to be a mum to another boy too. I’ve dated over the last couple of years but after what ex did to me I struggle so much with forming a full relationship as i have become lazy with it and I suppose quite selfish. I love having the house to myself when ds is in bed. I can’t imagine sharing those things but then I also do crave that typical family unit and wonder if I would be motivated if it was the right person?

Regardless, I’m now almost 40 and it’s highly unlikely I will now be a mother again to another child. I feel so sad about it. I had my fertility checked and it’s ok on that front at the moment but I feel like having another with a man who isn’t ds’s dad is also rubbish for ds… pregnancy is risky as you get older and there would be another man in his life he would need to adjust to (my new hypothetical partner).

I just feel so mixed up and sad. Ds has everything at the moment, nice holidays, will
go to private school, we can afford all classes or extra curricular things. I try and focus on this as one of the positives to having one but deep down it’s not how I feel. Money and material
things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?

We're the same age, I'll be 40 later this month. My kids are 7 and 3, I dreamed of having a big family but shitty fertility put paid to that idea. I do have a supportive DH so maybe I'm being unrealistic but in your shoes I would 10000% be having another alone. I'm so incredibly grateful for the relationship they have, not just with me but with each other. I know there's no guarantees but my second has been nothing but an absolute joy. I'm still hoping that somehow a third magically materialises but I don't think it'll happen.

I have lots of very severe health problems. My son's father had to take on full time care with me now as the side parent. I would have absolutely broken apart without knowing he was there and able to do that.

Unless you have various amazing siblings willing to step in and other family, it's something I wouldn't advise someone to do totally alone.

It would be great if you have a male best friend who wanted to embark on fatherhood at a slight distance with you. I don't know how many men would willingly agree to father a child and remain at a distance intentionally - but that would be ideal in my eyes.

Would you consider fostering? With that you'd have the financial support and wrap around involvement of social services. Unlike adoption where I understand you're left on your own.

If all those options are ready not feasible or feel right, then absolutely go full on into grieving this loss. You're allowed to grieve the dream. Your hormones are probably all over you now saying now or never. Once that calms down, I wonder if you feel different. I'm late 40s and now thinking about more kids or kids in general now makes me say no bloody way. That's hormones I'm sure.

Hey OP - it is totally normal to feel sad about things like that.

I guess the reality is that there will always be doors that are closed to us as life goes on, things that just don't happen. I think the only answer is to acknowledge them but also to carry on with the good life we do have and appreciate the opportunities it offers.

Sometimes too there are other ways to achieve some of the same things a differernt way. Both of my sisters did not have as many kids as they had hoped, and both have made efforts to have their kids form close relationships other ways. It's very individual obviously but worth thinking about what the options are. - cousins, groups like scouts, and so on.

I don't really believe in having a child "alone" personally, because it's not real - those kids have fathers too, just ones that aren't involved and don't care to be, which is not a great thing imo.

Why don’t you adopt - there are so many children out there in need of a family

@Greehst "Money and material things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.
I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?"

All of this is about you, your needs, you don't stop to think about this possible baby and his or her needs.

So, life didn't go how you planned, but a baby isn't going to solve your personal issues.

You're not even 40, you're recovering from what was possibly an abusive man (?) - you need to resolve this first, get therapy.

I’m an only child. My mum wanted 4 children! She was sad about it for a long time, she said, but when she went through the menopause, any desire for another child just disappeared. Now, she says she’s very happy she only had one, and she very much enjoys having two grandchildren.

Have you considered co-parenting? There are networks now where you can meet someone get to know them and agree when ready to have a child together but not be in a relationship. It's becoming increasingly popular and is a much more stable choice than many other ways that children are brought into the world, many of the risks or pitfalls you might associate are actually more likely in a new or early relationship, this way you have honesty, up front agreements and support and none of the complications that come from co parenting with someone you were formally sexually or emotionally involved with

I had my DS young, mwt my DH and we tried to conceive and had fertility treatment ( both of us had issues) and it just never happened. Financially and emotionally we had to stop.
That was 20yrs ago, we ve done lots but every now and then I do get emotional on the 'what ifs' what we could have had, what we have missed out on and it hurts, I can feel the emotions coming writing this up!
I totally get why you dont want to go it alone due to the dad situation and I totally admire you for seeing the children's perspectives above your own. You are a good mam x x

I came on to say almost exactly the same. I have two beautiful daughters that I longed for and adore. One of them has significant additional needs and nearly everything I imagined about family life doesn't happen for us. I'm working very hard on accepting that life is nothing like I imagined which is very hard when so many people around us have the simple normal life I always took for granted would be mine. Many many people are grieving the lives they thought they'd have. I hope you find peace with yours.

'How do I find peace?'

Come to Christ.

I would strongly advise against having another child with your ex or using a friend as a sperm donor as it would be likely to result in all sorts of issues. The ex/friend would have equal rights overt the child which could make life very difficult, whereas with a sperm donor they would not and you would have sole responsibility. Look up the Donor Conception Network and you will find lots of helpful information to assist with making an informed choice if this is the route you decide to take.

Correlation and causation. You are muddling the two.

Thanks for the posts, i am still making my way though them. Some days are harder than others and today is one of the hard days.

I think mostly it is a feeling of resentment and hurt from ex that we didn’t have more because of him. I would have absolutely. And I feel stupid for not moving on from him sooner. But then I wouldn’t have ds/wouldn’t be in any better situation I don’t suppose.

I worry about ds being alone. Ex’s family are minimal and no cousins there. He has a cousin on my side but it’s not the same as a sibling. I worry for him.

Saying I don’t want to be alone in old age and what’s if ds moves far away etc, that could happen with multiple children. What I mean is the smaller the family the less there is going on and it often feels very quiet with just me and ds.

@RogueFemale harsh words but yes probably true! I feel i am considering the needs of any baby though, as I haven’t just marched into a clinic and got the ball rolling. I’ve not done that for worrying about the impact on that child. You say I’m not even 40 but I’m close and obviously that links the pressure with fertility

@Fredflinstoneswife1 read the bible? Pray? Is that what you mean

I get you op

I read about this years ago and think it’s a great idea. People have always done this, this is just more honest.

Even if you have kids, it's no guarantee of help in old age

Why are you worrying. The threads odd. Do you think he's the only child without a sibling in the world then.

Many adults aren't friends as siblings anyway

No but it’s more likely than not. Especially in my family. I do have a large extended family though so hopefully….

Read the Bible, yes, and pray, yes. But neither of those two things are the end goal. The end goal is Christ. Our sin and the curse of sin in the world around us is what causes grief, sorrow and trouble in our lives. Because Christ's suffering and death made atonement for sin, for all who will repent and trust in Him, we can therefore be reconciled to God and have TRUE peace. A peace in the heart and head, which, even if there's a metaphorical storm in the world around us, cannot be shaken. Read what the Bible says about peace.

I witnessed this peace and joy that God can give in the life of my grandmother, whose life was filled with trials- her mother and sister committed suicide, her son was murdered, she experienced many other trials and hardships, but years later, when I was around, all I knew was her speaking about Christ being her rock and that everything else around him was sinking sand. Not surprising that one of her favourite hymns was 'Rock of ages, cleft for me..'

I witnessed Christ in her, and then I sought to know if this could be real even for me, and it was. I cannot describe the deep joy He gives.

We cannot have God and the world though. You have to be willing to give up sin, whatever its temporary pleasure may be.