Can’t bear to admit in real life but I am so sad about this (children)

[Greehst]

I have one ds. His dad left me when pregnant but was in ds’s life consistently. Ex is a very difficult man and if he’s not with ds he’s at work. Very obsessed with work. I just explain this for context to say there’s no chance he would have another with me and obviously I wouldn’t want that either.

i’m 40 next week and ds is 4. I always wanted a large family, there is some grief there. I would also love a daughter even though I am close with ds I would have loved to share other things in life with a daughter, just being able
connect with being a woman and sharing that side of life. Of course I know no guarantees with that even if I did have another.

But it’s not just about having a girl, I’d be delighted to be a mum to another boy too. I’ve dated over the last couple of years but after what ex did to me I struggle so much with forming a full relationship as i have become lazy with it and I suppose quite selfish. I love having the house to myself when ds is in bed. I can’t imagine sharing those things but then I also do crave that typical family unit and wonder if I would be motivated if it was the right person?

Regardless, I’m now almost 40 and it’s highly unlikely I will now be a mother again to another child. I feel so sad about it. I had my fertility checked and it’s ok on that front at the moment but I feel like having another with a man who isn’t ds’s dad is also rubbish for ds… pregnancy is risky as you get older and there would be another man in his life he would need to adjust to (my new hypothetical partner).

I just feel so mixed up and sad. Ds has everything at the moment, nice holidays, will
go to private school, we can afford all classes or extra curricular things. I try and focus on this as one of the positives to having one but deep down it’s not how I feel. Money and material
things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?

Seconded.

Focus on what you have. That's what contentment looks like. It sounds as though you and your little boy have a good life.

Life never turns out how you expect. I wanted kids, never happened, husband left, I had another relationship who I thought was "the one" for 5 years. Turns out he wasn't, now I'm single and childless at nearly 51.

Life definitely didn't turn out how I wanted or expected. But learning to appreciate what you have is important.

I still have had loads of fun with my kids post 14. It’s just a little more rationed in time. Quality rather than quantity, shall we say!

You need to grieve the family and child you didn’t have. In time, you’ll learn to accept, cherish and love having an only. I started to go through this when my daughter was 3 and it did take a while. My cut off was her turning 5 in my mind and I felt having that cut off point helped me move forward

I focused on the positives of an only. I wouldn’t change it for the world now. I love our time together, our adventures and our bond. I hope you can get to this point in time.

Speak to DSs dad about adoption. Maybe he would like DS to have a sibling too. You've nothing to lose by just putting it out there.

Many people's lives don't pan out the way that they had hoped and planned. Divorce happens, illness happens, premature death happens. Children have special needs and health problems that weren't foreseen. I would try to let go of the idealised picture of the life you wanted and try to appreciate the life you have.
Look at the relationships and elderly parents board on here-not all sibling relationships are good.
You can afford to spend time doing activities and having fun with your son and can give him all the attention he needs. Build your own life too though, you can't become enmeshed and dependant on him as he grows up. Having another child on your on might not improve your or your son's life.

My advice would be to acknowledge your sadness but dont dwell on it.

It's fine to wonder what might have been but there comes a point where dwelling on this is actually negatively affecting the joy you have with the things you do currently have.

Radical acceptance is the way to go here and actually it's quite liberating. There is a certain relief in not chasing something you thought you ought to have and accepting what actually is. It's not pretending to be happy when you arent, it's about acknowledging: This is what is happening and stopping the mental war against reality- letting go of “It shouldn’t be like this.”

Suffering often comes from two layers:
Pain (the actual event) and
Resistance to the pain (“This shouldn’t be happening”, “Why me?”, “This is unfair”)
Radical acceptance removes the second layer.
Pain is unavoidable, but suffering comes from refusing to accept what already is.

I think it's incredibly selfish to bring a child into the world without a father.
That's putting your wants ahead of a child's needs.
You have one child - if you really had wanted more, you would have had children in your twenties or early thirties.

Lots of good points raised about options available to you, which I won't repeat, you seem to hold some beliefs that I am not sure are true.

The state of loneliness has nothing to do with how many children you have. People with no children aren't necessarily lonely and people who are married and have multiple children can be exceptionally lonely.

Also, this view about one child having a dad when the other doesn't (if you had a child on your own), again, no guarantees there. There are plenty of siblings who have different fathers who have different relationships/contact amounts with their dads. You are working on the assumption that having a father in their life is the thing that's needed. No child needs a 'father' or a 'mother'. They need a stable attachment figure/reliable parent. Gender doesn't matter. I also think an absent parent, or non existent parent (if talking about donors) if better than having an abusive parent.

I raised a single child as a single parent. No contact or money from the father. I managed fine. Sometimes I am sure I had it easier, not having to deal disagreements or mismatching views on parenting.

I get it OP. I think I will always feel a pang that I didn’t have more children. It gets smaller as time goes on. Way too late for me now and no desire for a baby. At 40 what about a donor? I knle several women who have done this and are very happy,

Oh yes me too… it was said in jest!

Please don’t listen to posters who blithely say “have one on your own”. As you say, it would be so unfair on them when your other DC gets to go off to his Dad’s. You’d also be having a baby with a totally unknown man, and your new baby would always be denied knowledge of half their family and medical history.

Increasingly I think donor conception is very selfish.

Do you or your DH have siblings, neices, nephews? Is your son close with grandparents?
If so I would focus on nurturing those wider family relationships, I have an only child too and this is something I've really focused on for him, especially cousin relationships. People often forget that only children can have a big extended family.

I can understand not wanting to do sperm donation, it's not something I'd do either.

I have a son and a daughter. Both grown up now. My daughter moved to Australia and barely stays in touch. My son on the other hand, is local and we are very close. Gender doesn’t always play out like you assume.

Sperm donor, no other father in the picture, if that's what you want.

I agree with this. I think your situation is very tricky and I really can empathise to a degree. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I wasn't having any more children after I had my third! So I can only imagine how tricky you are finding it.

In saying that, I do disagree with creating a situation where a child is left with no father. I know that you sound like an amazing mum, and your child would be absolutely adored and cared for but I personally wouldn't like to make the decision for my child that they wouldn't have a father and would just have to be ok with it. I think that your instinct about your first child having a relationship with their dad, and a potential new child having zero father in their life, carries a lot of weight worth considering. It is all very well and good saying thay children are resilient and they would know they were loved etc etc, but I see a lot of potential for things to get messy and for you to be struggling with guilt and anxiety about the second child's emotions.

Someone upstream said something about acceptance and letting go of what the perfect vision had been, and embracing what is 'good' in your life instead. I hate toxic positivity so much but I think sometimes a simple perspective shift can be literally life changing. With babies, logic does go out the window, I know.

By the way, I have an 11 year old son and he cracks me up every day. His sense of humour is so dry and the things he says are so funny. He is actually great company and a lot of fun to be around. You have a lot of laughter and adventures with your existing son waiting for you in the future.

I was in this situation and chose a second on my own. I agree it’s sad that he doesn’t have a dad. He’s 7 and never questioned it so far and quite likes when his sibling goes to his and he gets me to himself.
I'm lucky my ex has grown fond of him and treats him well.

You know, your ex might feel the same way, and might also feel that it would be good for your ds to have a sibling. It is worth at least raising this with them, if you feel they are a good father? Wasn't sure what you meant when you said ex was difficult.

Sorry if it sounds patronising but its ok to grieve for the life you thought you would have.

I worked with a good therapist to put my regrets to bed and worked through the grief

I disagree with most PP's on here. No, going it solo via a donor or IVF is not really a good solution. Why would anyone knowingly bring a child into a fatherless existence? It's not a trivial thing to deprive a child or a loving father in the home.

And no, it's not 'weird' or unhealthy to seek fulfillment in family or to mourn the loss of fertility.

However, it is healthy to explore and to come to terms, honestly, with the reality of that window coming to a close, and allow yourself to grieve that.

Who knows, maybe one day you will be a grandmother to a beautiful little girl, OP.

"Children are adaptable" is a myth parents tell themselves to justify putting themselves first. Children put up with unpleasant situations because they have no choice. Lots of people are still affected by childhood trauma well into adulthood.

Fatherlessness has all sorts of negative consequences, and society is collectively sticking its head in the sand.

You should consider adopting, the child will be going to a fantastic home by the sounds of it and you’ll be changing their life immeasurably by being an amazing mummy that is all they need!

Would it not be worse to have your second child potentially grow up with their dad there 24/7 when your first barely sees his own dad? I.e one option worse on ds1, the other worse for dc2?

Have you considered adopting another child? Especially since you are financially secure, it seems a perfect way for you to adopt the daughter you yearn for without the risk of an over-40 pregnancy or the complications of a new man in your life.

Honestly, count your blessings. You have a healthy, happy child. You have the financial ability to give him a wonderful childhood. He has a father who loves him. You have your own good health. None of that is guaranteed with a second child.

A second child, with added risk from your age, could be born with physical or mental disabilities, which would affect all of you. You could suffer life changing birth injuries, either physical or mental. Your exes money will still just be for one child, but you'll have to split yours across two children, so your son will always have more than their sibling. Son will have a father but sibling (if donor, adoption etc) won't. Can you be sure ex won't take the hump with you and start being difficult if you have another child? What if your son resents his sibling and having to share you?

Trying to have a second child would be gambling everything you have now. It might work out well, but theres atleast a 50/50 chance it wouldn't.

you should ask the dad (ex partner) if he would father another child with you? Sounds like a solid solution to me. Ask him to genuinely consider it. If not then yes if you have money then go it alone and buy in support xx I totally get the feeling though and I think many women feel these things for each of their own reasons with regards to children.