Can’t bear to admit in real life but I am so sad about this (children)

[Greehst]

I have one ds. His dad left me when pregnant but was in ds’s life consistently. Ex is a very difficult man and if he’s not with ds he’s at work. Very obsessed with work. I just explain this for context to say there’s no chance he would have another with me and obviously I wouldn’t want that either.

i’m 40 next week and ds is 4. I always wanted a large family, there is some grief there. I would also love a daughter even though I am close with ds I would have loved to share other things in life with a daughter, just being able
connect with being a woman and sharing that side of life. Of course I know no guarantees with that even if I did have another.

But it’s not just about having a girl, I’d be delighted to be a mum to another boy too. I’ve dated over the last couple of years but after what ex did to me I struggle so much with forming a full relationship as i have become lazy with it and I suppose quite selfish. I love having the house to myself when ds is in bed. I can’t imagine sharing those things but then I also do crave that typical family unit and wonder if I would be motivated if it was the right person?

Regardless, I’m now almost 40 and it’s highly unlikely I will now be a mother again to another child. I feel so sad about it. I had my fertility checked and it’s ok on that front at the moment but I feel like having another with a man who isn’t ds’s dad is also rubbish for ds… pregnancy is risky as you get older and there would be another man in his life he would need to adjust to (my new hypothetical partner).

I just feel so mixed up and sad. Ds has everything at the moment, nice holidays, will
go to private school, we can afford all classes or extra curricular things. I try and focus on this as one of the positives to having one but deep down it’s not how I feel. Money and material
things are no contest to what life would be like with another child. I’d chose the latter.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned. Like life will be lonely down the line with only one dc (I know that can happen with six children but less likely). How do i find some sort of peace?

I get the "Just feel sad. Like life didn’t go how i planned.". Kids are now, very sadly, not in my future and im slowly coming to terms with that plan not happening BUT very few peoples life goes how they planned, that's life.

It doesn't sound like having another DC with your DSs dad is not the right call anyway, however he is as a father he doesn't sound like a good man to have elsewhere in your life but it doesn't mean, if you want, you can't have another through sperm donation.
Families all look different and are built differently, I work closely with families and this isn't an unusual situation.
I have a friend with 4 DC, 2 by one partner who they see v regularly and is very present in their life and 2 by another who is not present whatsoever and they are all extremely happy, well loved and are not in any way negatively affected by the difference in their fathers or lack of.

But if you decide it really isn't for you then you can grieve the plan and future you wanted and expected but don't let it get in the way of enjoying the present.

There is the possibility of having a child on your own, and I know someone who has done it just past 40 and is very happy. However I would take advice from a family psychologist about deliberately setting up a dynamic where one sibling has a consistently present well-off father who provides for them and presumably takes them on holidays and to family occasions/parties, and the other sibling has no father or father-side-family in their life at all. Your ex and his family might decide to take an extra child into their hearts and include them, but they are under no obligation to do that, and it might cause a fair bit of resentment between the children if they didn't, which would need careful handling.

How long have you been feeling like this? Have a hard think about whether it’s your current birthday that has pushed you into this a child would solve everything situation? I would have a couple of sessions of counselling to try and tease out what is at the bottom of your sadness?

Have another baby as a single woman ! Get a sperm donor and make your own family ! The right man hasn’t come along so don’t wait any longer

But similarly if you had another baby with a partner one would have a living in your family home dad and the other a part time dad he sees somewhere else. There’s always going to be differences unless your ex agreed to have another baby with you which sounds out of the question.

I wouldn’t focus on those possibilities of resentment or inequality if you really want another child, they can be overcome with a bit of extra attention and some lovely planned alone time for you and your youngest when your eldest it at his dad’s.

Just what I was going to say!

Have another child on your own. You have decided that it’s not fair that they won’t have a dad, but there is nothing to base that on really. Families come in all different shapes and sizes. Go for it while you still can!

i felt exactly the same as you and I had a second. I love my DC but it was a huge mistake. I haven’t got anywhere near the time I had with my first, private school is now a stretch and I feel like I’m constantly failing one DC because I can’t be two people at the same time. I can’t admit this in really life but honestly, be happy with one!

I admit I do not believe in choosing to have a child on your own. It’s just so selfish. Children are not a right just because you want one. You have a child, and it sounds like he is wonderful, and you can give him what he wants and needs, and have a great life together. Having two children with different parents, and therefore different experiences, is challenging. Life is rarely what we expected/wanted, but we roll with the punches and deal with it. You can grieve the life you wanted, while reconciling yourself to and enjoying what you have.

@Newusername0 thank you for the honesty. As they grow up I am sure you will happy with your decision. It is one of my fears though that I wouldn’t cope well with two if I was on my own. And of course another man could leave like my ex did.

Exactly we don't always get what we want
I never had any granddad's, they both died before I was born. Would have loved a grandad. I'm sure others can add to that.

Well, I'm not having the big family I wanted because it turns out 1) coping with severe sleep deprivation for 18 months+ has broken me, 2) DH isn't as helpful as I thought he would be and 3) I'm not the superwoman I thought I was, I can't cope spinning all the plates, having a baby, being the default parent, the breadwinner, keeping up a career etc.

My younger self would be extremely disappointed in my lack of resilience. But life just doesn't turn out the way we think.

I'm sad about not having the big family I wanted too, and only having the one child. It's just something we have to make peace with (and actually one of probably other life dissappointments, we just have to suck it up and appreciate what we have).

I clicked yabu but only because you have a healthy child who will have a lot of privilege, and the focus needs to be on being grateful for that.

At the same time, it’s totally understandable to grieve for the life you thought you’d have. I hope you get remarried to someone lovely-and perhaps they’ll have a daughter.

Why can’t you admit to being sad about it?

I don’t have children and am sad about it. I have accepted that is what fate had decided for me and also worry a bit about old age but I don’t hide it. You will find many kindred spirits if you share your thoughts.

@NewPersonHere i hadn’t even thought of that possibility. Thank you.

Bad advice.
A child shouldn't be deliberately conceived to allieve a mother's loneliness.
It's not just about being financially stable, although that helps any family with children

@JHound thank you. I suppose because I feel like the sadness becomes more real then.

Reducing the role of the father to a sperm donor, not good advice

This. It’s essentially grieving the life you wanted and learning to accept the life you actually have.

AHHHHHH

You definitely have options, as others have said. But I wouldn’t choose to bring a baby into the world as a single mum. Children deserve both a mum and a dad.

It’s ok to feel sad about your situation.

I think this is a very real concern. I just don't buy into the whole "kids are adaptable" narrative. Children seem adaptable, because it is all they know, but once they are adults and can reassess their childhoods through the eyes of an adult, the impact of inequality between siblings can be deep and long lasting.

Ironically, the fact that your ex sounds to be financially well off, with no intention of having another child, would actually make me even more hesitant to have a second child by a different father, or via a donor. The potential fallout when one sibling inherits a significant, life changing sum of money as his father's sole heir is not one I would ever want to risk.

What a wonderful, thoughtful and kind reply ❤️

It’s ok to feel sad. I think finding peace comes through acceptance, accepting that you feel how you do and not trying to chase the feelings away. And of course accepting the reality of the situation. It’s not how you wanted it to turn out, but it is as it is. Think how much energy we all can spend wishing for things to be other than what they are - and they will still be what they are. Sending a hug

But making it real means you can start acceptance and healing.

I was like you at 39. I could not face turning as I saw that as the door firmly closing on any chance of motherhood. So it was a really tough year.

I came through the other side and have accepted it, built a good community of similarly childless people (voluntarily and involuntarily) and now I am fairly at peace - though I am sure menopause will trigger the same feelings of loss again.

Part of my acceptance was considering the options available to me and realising not having kids was the best of them so I settled on accepting that.