Posting from outside of the UK, I hope that's not an issue... Anyways, I'm 30 years old, a FTM (baby is 19 months old), and have been with my partner (29 years old) for 5 years now. Our relationship has been good for the most part, despite our rocky beginnings. I mention the way our relationship started because, being totally honest, this may be the main reason for some of what I'm about to describe. We met on a dating app when he was still in a relationship with his ex. I didn't know when we met but found out very quickly and decided to carry on seeing him anyways. Not proud of it to be clear. They broke up eventually after six years together.
From day 1 I have felt like I found 'my person' in him. He's smart, ambitious, handsome, has a lot of values and interests I share. Along with our baby we have built a beautiful life together. And yet despite all of the good things I can't describe the way I feel the lack of... intimacy (?) from his side. I don't mean purely in the physical sense. It's more like something I'm missing from him? I've thought a lot about this over the years and the only thing I can come up with is a feeling of him being reluctant. It doesn't feel like he's curious about me at all, or at least, not anymore. He doesn't put in effort to get me to open up or understand where I'm coming from when we're going through something. For example, I went through a rough patch with my mental health after my mom passed last year, and have honestly been needing quite a bit of support emotionally. I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't really engage or understand. Or bother to ask me what I'm experiencing. It's like he doesn't care enough to put in effort. And I've always felt like, for true love, you put in work and effort. I know I have...
I suppose his ex comes in here as well. She's been a bit of a third factor in our relationship since the start. The first year and a half of our relationship was filled with ups and downs as he clearly hadn't moved on from one relationship and was already starting a new one. We did work through that, he went completely no contact, and for a while it worked. Until about a year ago, shortly after I gave birth. We hti another rocky patch, one thing lead to another, and by his own confession to me he started slipping and making 'contact'. Meaning saving her social media pictures to his phone and DMing her when he drinks, begging her to take him back, asking for nudes. He showed me the messages he sent and they were....... not good.
Now, I've chosen to trust him and his word because he was transparent about it and seemed sincerely apologetic, and so far he has kept his promise to me and our child. But combined with his general reluctant attitude towards me sometimes, it just makes me feel more and more unwanted. I've expressed that I'd like to get married soon since we've been together for 5 years, had a baby, and are financially stable. Even though I try my hardest not to come off desperate (which is really difficult when you've dreamt of your "happy ever after"), he dismisses the idea anytime I bring it up and says that there's no rush. Knowing full well he proposed to her at one point. She rejected him but still. It hurts.
Sometimes I feel like what we have has all been in my head, built up and imagined because I want him so badly to be my happy ending. Does he even want this, does he want me, or does he want her? What am I missing? What does she have? This is all very hard to write to be honest. Makes it too real. But I don't have any friends or family to talk about this with irl, so reaching out here felt like my only option to get some perspectives on this and see if anyone can relate. Thank you in advance.