I feel like I'm not my partner's true love

[ForSpryPeachWasp]

Posting from outside of the UK, I hope that's not an issue... Anyways, I'm 30 years old, a FTM (baby is 19 months old), and have been with my partner (29 years old) for 5 years now. Our relationship has been good for the most part, despite our rocky beginnings. I mention the way our relationship started because, being totally honest, this may be the main reason for some of what I'm about to describe. We met on a dating app when he was still in a relationship with his ex. I didn't know when we met but found out very quickly and decided to carry on seeing him anyways. Not proud of it to be clear. They broke up eventually after six years together.

From day 1 I have felt like I found 'my person' in him. He's smart, ambitious, handsome, has a lot of values and interests I share. Along with our baby we have built a beautiful life together. And yet despite all of the good things I can't describe the way I feel the lack of... intimacy (?) from his side. I don't mean purely in the physical sense. It's more like something I'm missing from him? I've thought a lot about this over the years and the only thing I can come up with is a feeling of him being reluctant. It doesn't feel like he's curious about me at all, or at least, not anymore. He doesn't put in effort to get me to open up or understand where I'm coming from when we're going through something. For example, I went through a rough patch with my mental health after my mom passed last year, and have honestly been needing quite a bit of support emotionally. I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't really engage or understand. Or bother to ask me what I'm experiencing. It's like he doesn't care enough to put in effort. And I've always felt like, for true love, you put in work and effort. I know I have...

I suppose his ex comes in here as well. She's been a bit of a third factor in our relationship since the start. The first year and a half of our relationship was filled with ups and downs as he clearly hadn't moved on from one relationship and was already starting a new one. We did work through that, he went completely no contact, and for a while it worked. Until about a year ago, shortly after I gave birth. We hti another rocky patch, one thing lead to another, and by his own confession to me he started slipping and making 'contact'. Meaning saving her social media pictures to his phone and DMing her when he drinks, begging her to take him back, asking for nudes. He showed me the messages he sent and they were....... not good.

Now, I've chosen to trust him and his word because he was transparent about it and seemed sincerely apologetic, and so far he has kept his promise to me and our child. But combined with his general reluctant attitude towards me sometimes, it just makes me feel more and more unwanted. I've expressed that I'd like to get married soon since we've been together for 5 years, had a baby, and are financially stable. Even though I try my hardest not to come off desperate (which is really difficult when you've dreamt of your "happy ever after"), he dismisses the idea anytime I bring it up and says that there's no rush. Knowing full well he proposed to her at one point. She rejected him but still. It hurts.

Sometimes I feel like what we have has all been in my head, built up and imagined because I want him so badly to be my happy ending. Does he even want this, does he want me, or does he want her? What am I missing? What does she have? This is all very hard to write to be honest. Makes it too real. But I don't have any friends or family to talk about this with irl, so reaching out here felt like my only option to get some perspectives on this and see if anyone can relate. Thank you in advance.

You’re worth more than this .

Men who cheat live this and have crossover relationships will do it to whatever woman they are with. Because it’s not about the woman they’re with - they won’t change because their ideal partner walks through the door one day.

His behaviour is a pattern and you can’t fix it / him.

Leave the bastard while you’re still young enough to find someone who deserves you and before you have any more kids with him!

It wasn't planned.

We met on a dating app when he was still in a relationship with his ex. I didn't know when we met but found out very quickly and decided to carry on seeing him anyways.

There aren't many true love stories that start like this, tbf. The writing was well and truly on the wall with this one.

I know that some romanticise affairs - he must truly love me if he's willing to blow up his long term relationship for me! The deceit can feel like flattering excitement and the difficulties make it feel as though it was 'meant to be'.

But the truth is often far more mundane than this. A weak and unboundaried man who is looking for a bit of fun or titillation or a way out of his existing relationship because he no longer wants to be in it.

Many women (IME) who end up with a man who has left his wife, will go on to have a baby quite quickly because it justifies the relationship and consolidates the 'true love' narrative. It's the same when couples go on to have another baby within the first year after the discovery of an affair and have decided to stay together. How often have those threads come up on here where the wife discovers he is cheating again or never cut contact with the OW after all despite his tears and protestations to the contrary?

I don't subscribe to 'once a cheater, always a cheater" because I don't think that's necessarily true.

But I would never have been making babies with someone who lied to me when we met and was cheating on a partner.

He’s a sex offender too btw OP. Sending unsolicited wanking videos is against the law.

That poor ex being dragged back into his orbit, I’m glad she’s blocked him and told him he’s being awful.

You would be out of your mind to stay with this man.

And doing your child a disservice in the long term. You can either split now and both be healthy co-parents or you can stay together and subject your child to growing up in a house full of tension where their parents clearly have an unhealthy relationship and their mum has made herself a shell of her former self to hold onto a shit partner.

Honestly op. This man showed you exactly who he is - a liar and a cheat, when you first met him. He was happy to deceive his then partner so I honestly cannot understand why you are so shocked that he’d be happy to deceive you too?
What kind of turd goes on dating apps rather than just respectfully ending his relationship? And, you might not “be proud” of your part in it but you knew what you were doing. Play shitty games, win shitty prizes.

I wonder if he wanted to play the field, having only ever been with her and from so young an age, but didn't want to take the risk of regretting it if he ended it first. And now he's a dad, he wants to recapture that footloose and fancy free time. Just always wanting what he can't have and never being fully committed to anything.

Basically his just not that into you.

He cheated on his ex and dumped her yet it’s still her he is pining for.

I’d bet something bad happened just before he got on the online app thought some crazy emotional and selfish time then boom there you where and exciting and new. So he took it and jumped.

If she would take him back he would leave tomorrow.

Your his consolation prize.

You deserve better than him despite how you did play a part in his previous relationships demise.

His a dick and your being stupid if you stay.

Show your child a better life.

So after a string of loser boyfriends, you thought “wow, this one is great” when he was shagging you and then going home to his long term girlfriend and climbing into bed with her. Well done. Great choice.

Really?

This is not a man who works through things. He turns outside not in. He cheats when things go south or maybe just because.

He's had 5 years and a kid with you and if you realize he's not got the love for you that you do for him, then you know nothing's going to change. He FAFO and your life is the finding out part and here he is trying to cheat.

Making it work will mean you realizing you love him more than he loves you and turning a blind eye to his cheating. He'll likely find someone else and move on. He's not going to stick around for the first kid and why would you want that misery?

What has happened has happened Op. No point continually beating yourself for thinking the relationship was OK at the start. But you do need to look at the reality in terms of going forward.

Do you want a relationship where he sticks with you (if he even does) because someone has "talked to him" and his first choice partner isn't available and it has all got too hard for him so he just sticks round out of guilt and starts to resent you while he fantasises about other women? SOME people work through things because it matters to them to, but that isn't the case here: it matters to you, not him.

This isn’t about him not being into the OP - it’s a pattern of behaviour that he will have whoever he’s with. For men like this, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Regardless of who their partner is.

I also agree with whoever said that there are probably other women he’s also seeing.

I'm cutting and pasting these bits from @gannett 's post, but you should go back and print it out and stick over your bathroom mirror, because you have some deeply unhealthy delusions about what is normal in relationships:

A healthy relationship is easy. You don't have to work hard or put in effort to make it good, because it comes naturally. The first year of it isn't defined by ups and downs and rocky patches - that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship.
The idea that you have to "work" and "fight" for a relationship is toxic.

You are wasting your own time and energy speculating about his ex or his reluctance to marry you, or why he sends his ex videos of himself masturbating, when all you should be asking yourself is 'Is this working for me?' When of course it isn't. You both showed remarkably poor judgement in bringing a baby into this mess, so I'd suggest ending things asap and focusing to the absolute best of your ability on establishing an amicable co-parenting situation for the sake of your child.

Honestly? You need to grow up. This is real life, not a Disney movie full of 'true love' and 'happy endings'.

He is clearly always going to have a thing for his ex. Why do you want to marry someone who will always see you as second best?

You don't need to be together for him to be a dad to your child. If he's such an amazing dad you claim he is, that shouldn't change anything.

Don't make any rash decisions OP and stop being so analytical right now. That can be emotionally exhausting.
Leave matters lie right now.
Alot at stake.
Fwiw, alot of people have buried love for past relationships, especially first loves

This man is a walking collection of red flags. Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant by a man who obviously doesn't care much about you? Did you think that having a baby would keep him? A lot of desperate women try that trap. 99% of the time it only makes the man involved very resentful.

I've wanted to reach out to her and apologize for years as I know the kind of toll it has on a woman's self esteem and belief in love.

Yeah, don't do that 🙄

That guilt you're feeling; the insecurity and uncertainty? It's ALL part of your prize and it's yours to live with. You don't get to hand it over to someone else.

He ended it? So he says. He was clearly just looking for a bit of fun on the side and got caught up in things. He's no doubt sticking with you because he's already messed up things with the one he really wants so feels like he can't go screwing you and him up otherwise him and his exes relationship ended for what? You also have a baby now so he likely feels trapped/wants to stay for the child.

He's not a good man and you were just a branch for this monkey to swing onto. I'd end it personally. Never would I get with a cheat, that isn't the kind of character I look for in a man. You're kind of getting what you deserve as well, your actions in carrying on the affair and causing so much hurt to an innocent woman were quite frankly, shit.

OK, I get that. Please take this energy elsewhere.

Its been 5 years.

How much longer do you plan to wait for him to work through it?

Honestly you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on your self. You willing had an affair with him and 5 years later here you are with a child and he is drunk begging his childhood sweetheart to cheat with him.

You will always live in her shadow. No matter how long you stay together the voice in your head will wonder if he could go back and undo the stupidity of youth would he. Especially since your child wasn't planned.

That isnt a loving secure relationship.

You knew he had a long term girlfriend but you kept seeing him behind her back, and you think you deserve understanding and sympathy? You don’t get to tell people to go away and “take that energy elsewhere.”

You made a mistake. Now you have to live with it. Most of us would make the grown up sensible decision to leave him.

Why? Does it make you feel uncomfortable to look in the mirror?

Fwiw, I think you should leave him too. You need to see and accept that this is not a good man and your happily every after does not exist within him.

If you don't like 'the energy' - do better and find a different energy for yourself.

I didn't say I deserve sympathy. It was bad for me to do such a thing, as I have said. I can't take it back, or turn back time, and I've said myself it feels like Karma. Coming right back to me. I just don't have to see it repeated here in every other comment. I get it. I really do.

I am sorry about your mum, OP. 💐That's a very tough thing to experience in life and takes a long time to come to terms with.

My relationship suffered after I lost my mum. I expected a lot of emotional support that my lovely husband tried to give me, but it just didn't feel like enough somehow. The fact was that I was distraught for a few years and no-one was going to be able to help me feel better. What did help? I took up a physical activity which was a fantastic (and healthy) distraction and a therapy that improved my mindset and carried me over those first few tough years.

I think if you want to make this relationship work, you are both going to have to put the past firmly in the past, for one thing. He made contact with his ex and sounded remorseful. It's not right but it happened and you can't turn back time to alter it. You can only decide how to deal with it. You can only decide if you wish to either forgive it or not forgive it but not allow it to infiltrate into your relationship forever. People make mistakes, people can and do change, relationships do overcome affairs. Affair partners do sometimes ultimately marry and stay happily together for the rest of their lives.

He isn't with her, he is with you. His proposal to her is in the past. He exhausted himself when your mum died. He chose to have a child with you.

My advise would be to find something to take you outside of the relationship and your home life, and your thoughts. Some kind of healthy interest to divert your attention away from the relationship for a while.

You need to disengage from him a bit and all the stuff with his ex.. Concentrate on yourself and your own wellbeing (and your little one, obviously). Try to find something that makes YOU happy.

I would stop bringing up the subject of marriage for now or just put a deadline on it. Decide to yourself that if he hasn't proposed by X date then you will decide what to do.

Good luck.

He’ll always be a cheat. It’s part of his personality.