I feel like I'm not my partner's true love

[ForSpryPeachWasp]

Posting from outside of the UK, I hope that's not an issue... Anyways, I'm 30 years old, a FTM (baby is 19 months old), and have been with my partner (29 years old) for 5 years now. Our relationship has been good for the most part, despite our rocky beginnings. I mention the way our relationship started because, being totally honest, this may be the main reason for some of what I'm about to describe. We met on a dating app when he was still in a relationship with his ex. I didn't know when we met but found out very quickly and decided to carry on seeing him anyways. Not proud of it to be clear. They broke up eventually after six years together.

From day 1 I have felt like I found 'my person' in him. He's smart, ambitious, handsome, has a lot of values and interests I share. Along with our baby we have built a beautiful life together. And yet despite all of the good things I can't describe the way I feel the lack of... intimacy (?) from his side. I don't mean purely in the physical sense. It's more like something I'm missing from him? I've thought a lot about this over the years and the only thing I can come up with is a feeling of him being reluctant. It doesn't feel like he's curious about me at all, or at least, not anymore. He doesn't put in effort to get me to open up or understand where I'm coming from when we're going through something. For example, I went through a rough patch with my mental health after my mom passed last year, and have honestly been needing quite a bit of support emotionally. I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't really engage or understand. Or bother to ask me what I'm experiencing. It's like he doesn't care enough to put in effort. And I've always felt like, for true love, you put in work and effort. I know I have...

I suppose his ex comes in here as well. She's been a bit of a third factor in our relationship since the start. The first year and a half of our relationship was filled with ups and downs as he clearly hadn't moved on from one relationship and was already starting a new one. We did work through that, he went completely no contact, and for a while it worked. Until about a year ago, shortly after I gave birth. We hti another rocky patch, one thing lead to another, and by his own confession to me he started slipping and making 'contact'. Meaning saving her social media pictures to his phone and DMing her when he drinks, begging her to take him back, asking for nudes. He showed me the messages he sent and they were....... not good.

Now, I've chosen to trust him and his word because he was transparent about it and seemed sincerely apologetic, and so far he has kept his promise to me and our child. But combined with his general reluctant attitude towards me sometimes, it just makes me feel more and more unwanted. I've expressed that I'd like to get married soon since we've been together for 5 years, had a baby, and are financially stable. Even though I try my hardest not to come off desperate (which is really difficult when you've dreamt of your "happy ever after"), he dismisses the idea anytime I bring it up and says that there's no rush. Knowing full well he proposed to her at one point. She rejected him but still. It hurts.

Sometimes I feel like what we have has all been in my head, built up and imagined because I want him so badly to be my happy ending. Does he even want this, does he want me, or does he want her? What am I missing? What does she have? This is all very hard to write to be honest. Makes it too real. But I don't have any friends or family to talk about this with irl, so reaching out here felt like my only option to get some perspectives on this and see if anyone can relate. Thank you in advance.

You were his "bit on the side". There will be others.

At least get him to marry you so you have legal protection because it looks as if you’re staying with him otherwise. Oh and sending drunk texts in my experience the truth often comes out when you’re drunk.

What did you expect to happen? Really? You’ve been a fool.

You met a man and found out he had been trawling dating sites whilst in a long term relationship, which he then stayed in for a while whilst dating you (and you knew about it). He only left that one once he knew he had another bed to jump to.

Now it’s been years with you so he is bored again, and has started messaging women looking for another place to jump to. He won’t leave you until he has someone else, but he will 100% leave you. He also knows he can get away with it because he tried it on with his ex, and told you about it as there’s too much of a risk she would tell someone and it would get back to you. But you forgave him and stayed with him, so he knows you’ll take it and he isn’t at risk of being kicked out.

I will bet my house that your partner is on dating sites or messaging others on instagram etc. He is 100% looking to cheat on you and once he has someone new, young and fun… he’ll be gone.

You’re a fool.

He explained to me that he was in a dark place as it was around a significant date for the two of them. No clue as to what this significant date is or refers to... all I know is he felt awful about not being able to talk to her at all anymore, even as a friend, and got drunk to cope, which made him reach out in a wildly inappropriate way. The messages did range from asking her to take him back and telling her he has only ever loved and happily been with her to sending a video of him masturbating and asking her for pictures.

He came to me the same night, cried, and told me everything. Showed me his phone and let me go through the entire thing. There was nothing besides the messages to his ex and the pictures of her he had saved. NO apps at all, the app store showed that all the major dating apps had a 'not downloaded' icon, or DMs to anyone else. I have no reason to think he would cheat on me with anyone else, I wholeheartedly believe he wouldn't. It feels like ther's a lot of stuff between them he'll never tell me so I'll never understand. I've tried to get him to talk about it but he shuts me down so quick and so firmly I just let it go.

I've been thinking maybe he needs to see someone.

You just sound even more naive and he’ll use it against you. He will cheat. You really picked the wrong guy.

I am not sure why you are coyly suggesting this might be all in your head when you also post this:

by his own confession to me he started slipping and making 'contact'. Meaning saving her social media pictures to his phone and DMing her when he drinks, begging her to take him back, asking for nudes. He showed me the messages he sent and they were....... not good.

How is that in your head?

It's pretty blatant he misses being with her. Asking another woman for nudes is not a man who is in the relationship he wants to be in.

Sorry - but what were you really hoping we would say? "Perhaps he felt he needed to show polite platonic interest in how her breasts were getting on"?

@ForSpryPeachWasp I know it's hard for you to accept but you are naively refusing to face the glaringly obvious fact that he will absolutely cheat on you (if he hasn't already done so).

He is pulling the wool over your eyes and you are making it easy for him. Why are you so desperate to make excuses for him? "In a dark place" my arse...

None so blind as those who will not see. Best of luck to you op, you’ll need it.

The messages did range from asking her to take him back and telling her he has only ever loved and happily been with her to sending a video of him masturbating and asking her for pictures.

For heaven's sake op, wake up!!

Your partner has tested you by being “honest” and showing you the texts and nudes with his ex. What he has learnt from that is you will stand by him and turn a blind eye to his behaviour.

Yes, I really agree with this. Or I even wonder if he was hoping, on some level, that it would make you ditch him, but instead it became an act of honesty and remorse so you stayed.

It all sounds rather immature, which isn't really surprising given how young they were when they got together. Some people are happily together with their childhood sweethearts for life but most of us aren't and while it can be difficult to make that transition from childhood, or at least very young, love to actual adult relationship, most people do manage it. Maybe he never did.

I don't necessarily agree with the "once a cheater always a cheater" comments, but it's obvious from what you've posted that this man has not committed to you and never will. Maybe he has an avoidant attachment style and he'd be like this with any woman, but is that really what you want for the rest of your life?

I was really sad to read what you wrote about when your mother died. My mother died 11 years ago and my husband is still always there for me when I need to talk about it. He puts everything down and listens and engages with it and is emotionally intelligent and empathetic in his responses. This is actually the minimum we should all provide as life partners when our partner's parent dies. He's shown you who he is - believe him.

And I've always felt like, for true love, you put in work and effort. I know I have...

Lots of posters have correctly told you about the numerous red flags in this relationship so I won't go over those again. But this sentence needs a lot of unpacking.

It's completely untrue. In fact it's completely backwards. A healthy relationship is easy. You don't have to work hard or put in effort to make it good, because it comes naturally. The first year of it isn't defined by ups and downs and rocky patches - that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship.

The idea that you have to "work" and "fight" for a relationship is toxic. The point of a relationship is to be your relaxed, safe space away from the work and the fight the rest of the world requires of you. If it's not easy, if it doesn't feel good without you having to work for it, then there's no point in it.

Sometimes I feel like what we have has all been in my head, built up and imagined because I want him so badly to be my happy ending.

And also, wanting a happy ending so badly because you've built up the abstract idea of it in your head is not the same as true love either.

I’d be willing to bet it was more a case of his ex girlf finding out and dumping him rather than him telling her and leaving her for you. How do you know that’s what he did? You were there when that relationship was finished and was a convenient distraction. A rebound.
I’m afraid to say you are 2nd best, this is coming from someone who is with an affair partner and believes it can work out. Unfortunately I think she sounds like his first love & I don’t think you’re his first choice. Brutal but true. you can carry on in this knowledge or expect better for yourself and move on. It’ll only chip away at your self esteem the longer this goes on.

I've been thinking maybe he needs to see someone.

Op he is fantasising about sex with her.

What good would "seeing someone" do?

Please just see this for what it is.

Have you heard her side of the story? If she refused to marry him it seems more like it was her that was less keen. He would hardly tell you that he's only with you because she finally dumped him. And if he did break it off he clearly regrets it now, unfortunately I think if she turned up on the doorstep tomorrow he would be off. What did she reply when he asked for nudes? It is very disrespectful for him to try to get back in close contact with an ex like that even if nothing else happened.

I think not committing to you by marrying you would be the deal breaker, you need the security of marriage for you and your child. And it shows he still has hopes in another direction, since he's obviously not averse to marrying someone.

He's done quite the number on you, hasn't he?!
He's cheated on you and there you are feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs to see someone.
The beginnings of your relationship were hardly propitious: you met him on a dating site, thus he was actively looking to cheat on his girlfriend on 5/6 years.
You've been with him 5 years and he's been actively looking to cheat on you...with his ex.
Do you not see the pattern?!

And every time you sleep with him, he is likely thinking of her.

I'm sorry OP, it's grotesque for you, but it really is better that you realise that reality simply cannot sit beside your notion that this is "it."

You should ditch him. Why were you in such a hurry to settle for second/third best??

I broke up with my cheating ex when I was in my 30’s and we’d been together 22 yrs at that point. Luckily no kids.

Met lovely DH when I was 36 and I’m 60 now plus we have kids together.

Try and image what your bloke’s going to be like when you’re in your 60’s and he’s still a prat. 🤔

Mate, he sent his ex a video of himself wanking. That's a) gross and b) cheating. Did she reciprocate at all?

I bet they lost a baby/had an abortion and that's the 'special date' but that's by the by. You really are wasting your time with this guy. Unfortunately you do sound too infatuated with him to see it.

Sorry op. Its The Script. Whenever a man cheats and they fess up, they very rarely give the whole story. I cant believe (some) men think women are so stupid 🙄 let me guess, has he said he'll go for therapy?

Sending her videos of him wanking and asking for nudes is absolutely vile but im not surprised as he is a cheat and cheaters usually do it again, which he has. Only a matter of time when he'll take it physical if not already.

What were her messages back to him like?

I haven't reached out to her because I think she knows or at the very least suspects I'm the reason why their relationship ended. It'd be beneficial for me to know her side as well but I don't want to put her through the rollercoaster again. I know what it's like to be cheated on... sadly.
She responded with a long message basically telling him to leave her alone as she has had a lot of troubles already trying to move on etc., then blocked him. She did this right after their breakup too, though, only to end up unblocking, as evidenced by the fact that he could contact her again...As I said I think there is a lot of hurt there. Sometimes I speculate about what they might have gone through together but there's no use in it, is there? I'll only be theorizing on a part of his life he'll never share with me no matter how hard I try to be there for him.

Well he's also a sex offender by the way so that's another reason to leave him (not that you don't have plenty). Sending unsolicited videos like that is beyond vile. He's vile.

He doesn't want you. He doesn't want her. He wants what he can't have and he wants cheap thrills. He will never marry you (unless you drag him down the aisle) and he will never make you truly happy. The only question left is how much more of your life are you going to waste waiting for him to be the man he will never be?

I mentioned in another comment I speculate on what happened too. Minding her message to him after the video debacle I think it was something like this. Maybe a miscarriage. I am close with his sister, though, and she has never said anything about it to me. I hope she'd have told me, if that was the case.

@ForSpryPeachWasp

Are you reading people’s replies? It’s
pretty much unanimous. Everyone is telling you the same thing but you are responding only to selective posts.

“He explained to me that he was in a dark place as it was around a significant date for the two of them. No clue as to what this significant date is or refers to... all I know is he felt awful about not being able to talk to her at all anymore, even as a friend, and got drunk to cope, which made him reach out in a wildly inappropriate way. The messages did range from asking her to take him back and telling her he has only ever loved and happily been with her to sending a video of him masturbating and asking her for pictures.”

Read that paragraph back.

Why would you accept this? Why? Why are you so desperate to excuse away such shoddy, disrespectful behaviour?

He sent a video of himself masturbating to her - and said he missed her. If he was drunk then those are his true thoughts/desires.

Denial is not going to help you. It will make things much more drawn out and painful.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

He doesn’t want to marry you because he’s keeping his options open. Having a baby means you are tied to him and he doesn’t have to put the effort in to maintaining the relationship any more.

Sad but true, seen it so many times on here.